There's only one final between me and second semester of college

So this semester has been stressful and sickly, new and scary, fun and weary. But its almost over and im gonna recap a little.
The first week of classes i was incredibly homesick.. thinking that i would even have to transfer colleges, just to be home again. I was also really sick sick, to the point where i couldnt talk, talk about an interesting first few days of classes.

Then i decided to drop one class. That was kind of a hard decision but totally worth it now that i look back.

Then the second week of classes, my grandma passed away. That was such a hard time but honestly i think that college, and being away from home helped me move on faster.

October was fairly uneventful and nice i suppose... Even if it was a little stressful.

November, i stayed my first weekend at Transy, mostly because my parents came for family weekend. Then the week before Thanksgiving i had a cousin pass away. Another hardship but as my chem professor said, you are only given what you can handle, even if you dont think you can handle it.

December has been short, and quick... Basically two weeks in december and the first full week i had two test and this week i have two finals... hmm... so December has been stressful but that will be over in two days when i get to go home for 3 weeks.

Up next? More chem and spanish and FLA... but adding Bio too... hopefully ill make it!
Til next time...
Jessie

What is this feeling?

I feel as if you are right beside me,
though I know you are nowhere near
Its hard to know what to do
when I dont have any real contact with you
i want to be with you
but its so hard because of the worlds between us
you are the one who grounds me
and for now you are so far from me
ill see you in a matter of weeks
but its not soon enough
i feel like the world cant get to me when im with you
and thats the best feeling in the world
i dont know if its something that will last
or something that you feel
but that feeling is what i long for
i think about it all the time
and have the need for it now
life is rough
and you will be able to help me figure it out
maybe we are meant to be
or maybe we are just supposed to be friends
whichever it is i cant wait to see your smiling face
and be held in your arms, even if we are just friends
so thinking of you til then
I cant wait to see you in Israel

Its been a while

So its been a while since I last wrote...
First of all my grandma died in September. It was a hard loss but I think she is in a better place, she was suffering at the end and it was no fun.
Second, I am almost done with my first semester at college, its definately been challenging and I may not have the best grades but I think that I have grown tremendously, and I have learned lots of things too.
Third, I started to like someone here at Transy but I realized that it wasnt him that I liked I was projecting my feelings for someone that I dont get to see very often on to this guy at Transy. I wasnt really able to start a conversation with Transy guy and I was more shy than I normally am and I knew that something was off and Im not able to put it in words but I now know where my heart belongs, or at least for now.

Other things... I am going to Israel in March, hopefully, and that makes me so happy. I cannot wait.

I dont really have a poem to put on here right now, Im feeling just a bit sick, both of my parents had the flu this past week and I was home for the weekend... great, I am going to get this.

At this point I think my heart is with a person who is not living in the United States at the moment, I dont know how this will work out, though I really hope it does, I will keep this updated... or at least I hope I will.

Back to college life for a minute... I have met some really incredible people here at Transy, and I am so thankful that they put up with me and are my friends, they are ALL amazing!

This is me

So this is to make of list of things that make up me.
I am a tomboy that can sometimes be a girly girl.
I fall hard and fast for guys and I dont get over them easily.
That being said, I care deeply about the people that I am around.
I dont like to party, drink or do drugs.
I love my family, and I spend as much time with them as possible.
My neices are very important to me and I want to always be there for them.
I love animals, I have all my life.
I fight for what I believe in.
I get hurt incredibly easily.

And thats it for now... if i think of more ill write them here!

Road to life

So here i am just shy of two weeks before i move off to college in Lexington. There are many things running through my head as there usually are and again, this is my place to vent. Ah, where to start. Well i suppose i could start off with my feelings about college. I am told that its an amazing time in life but i am pretty much completely and totally scared of whats going to happen. Although i have to admit that im incredibly excited also. There is so much going on right now and its all scary and exciting. I have to admit too that i am worried, not so much for myself rather i am worried about my family. They all have things going on and life, gosh life is not nearly as perfect as it used to be! As for me, i cant stop thinking about my future. Not my college future, but my life after college. For some reason i have started to become somewhat infactuated with what im going to do in life as well as who i am going to spend my life with and where my life is going to take me. I really hope that i make lots of money as well as my future husband and i hope that we get to travel lots and have a family that appreciates the things that i have grown up to appreciate. Well as usual when i type my things out they seem smaller than they do in my head. Thats a good thing i suppose. Well, ill be heading out now... and ill try to keep things small! til next time,
Jessie

Hard facts of my life

So this is no poem. This is no bad news, nor is it any good news. This is me thinking about the hard facts of my life, trying to understand some of the things that i do whether they are important facts or not, it doesnt matter. Ive been going though some things lately and im just trying to wrap my head around these facts. So i suppose i will do this in a list.

Boys- at the beginning of this summer i found myself being liked by two guys. Since being liked by one guy is incredibly rare for me, two was almost imaginable and so i told myself that would make no commitments, meaning i wouldnt date anyone over the summer. Ok at this point i will talk about the specific guys. There was M, my ex-boyfriend. And A, a guy that i met at prom. M and i went fishing a couple of times and we texted pretty much nonstop. That was nice but i realized, for the second time that i didnt really like him. I liked that he was a nice guy but i really couldnt see myself dating him. Then there was A, well we met at prom and then talked some on the internet. He went on a mission trip and i went to Arizona. We got back on the same day and his church had a welcome back party and i was invited. So we got to hang out then and then other times. Which was nice and i really like A but for some reason im keeping him at an arms distance. I know there are many reasons for this distance that im putting, one is that we are going to college and arent going to be around each other at all. I feel that the distance really has nothing to do with A but at the same time everything to do with him. After all its this amazing guy that im holding at an arms distance for no good reason. So thats the basics of one problem. Oh, wait, theres more to this problem. Ok so now that we've gotten the M and A people taken care of theres is this other person, he his I. I and i have only known each other for about 3 years, we met because our mothers were friends when they were growing up. Ok so i just saw I for the first time in 3 years. This kind and myself became fast friends 3 years ago and have been in touch even though he is living abroad. But friendship is all that was there. This trip, we didnt get to spend a great deal of time together but we were there. Again things werent like lovey dovey or anything like that. Far from it infact. But since ive gotten home there have been these bugs in my head. Not bugs like "i cant live my life without this guy" but rather those saying "i could definately live my life with this guy." Im not by any means understanding all of these thoughts or lack there of but this is just what im feeling.

Then theres the im going off to college problem. My mom and i have always gotten along great, but recently we have been getting into a great deal of arguments. They arent any fun, but the saddest thing is that these fights are pushing us away and at a really bad time. I need her and i want to be around her and hang out with her before i go off to college. But unfortunately this is becomming harder and harder because anytime that we are around each other for an extended period of time we fight. This fighting is breaking me apart. My dad and my brother feel as if its because she is worried and scared for me. But whatever it is she needs to see that i am going to be ok without her but i want to hang out with her. This fighting though is just making me to desperately want to get away from this house. I want to be at college but then again im scared. See, im having lots of problems! Starting today however, my father seems to have taken up the agnst that my mother has been giving me. Or maybe its just me and everyone else is just annoying me and i need to go to transy. Who knows.

Ok i think im going to stop there because as i have written this tears have come to my eyes several times. Not a good thing.

Oh wait. I almost forgot, this past Tuesday my father had another one of his heart issues. Its scary for him but also for me and the rest of us. But on the drive home i was just so annoyed with him because he kept saying that hes basically the perfect patient. When in reality hes not. I love my father but even though he claims that he doesnt smoke, he does, he smokes cigars, and granted its not all the time but it is when he is in a car. This really upsets me. And he says that he exercises 4-5 times a week. Yes he goes on walks, but its not rigorous activity. Im not going to go any further.

By the way, though i understand if some people read this they will be hurt and for that im sorry but this is what im feeling at the minute. Well these things and im hurt, scared, and totally confused.

PINK JEEP!!!

So Thursday we drove up to Sedona. Its different from Phoenix in that instead of all desert its all rock! Red rock realy pretty. On our way to Sedona, actually really close to the city itself we stopped at the Chapel of the Holy Cross. Its a really neat church that is built into one of the red rock formations. We spent a little while there and my dad een lit a candle for out family. It was just a really cool church i dont know how else to explain it! Then we went into downtown Sedona. And on the recommendation of a friend, Jennifer we decided to take a Pink Jeep tour. What happens is you basically go 4 wheeling in a pink jeep. WE climbed around all kinds of rocks and even went up and down some of the formations. I think that this was THE BEST part of the trip. At one point we were going down one of the formations at a 45 degree angle! IT was SO FREAKIN fun!And while we were in Sedona we shopped!! Good times shopping. There were some cool shops and things to do. Over all from this trip i came home with 6 new t-shirts!!
Stay tuned for Friday's story!
Jessie

Off Day

Again.. i got a little behind on writing about the vacation but i did take notes silly as that might sound so that i wouldnt leave anything out. Ill even separate the days by making them different posts so its easier to understand. Ok so Wednesday we drove homre from Tuscon and on the way back to Phoenix we stopped at the San Xavier Mission. Its a mission church that is on a indian reservation and it was really neat and moving. The inside was just so beautiful. There was reconstruction going on and near the construction site there was a sign warning about lightning. It said that if you hear thunder or see a storm coming in then you should leave that area because lightning was very dangerous and that area was NOT safe during a storm. It kinda made me laugh. After that we finished the drive back to our hotel in Phoenix. And we spent the rest of the day in our hotel. Just kinda hanging out and reading and all that good stuff.
That was Wednesday...stay tued for Thursday!
Jessie

Tuscon

So i know this is a day late but its better late than never! yesterday we went to Tuscon. We took kinda f a long way there and went through Saguaro National Park and the Senora Desert Museum. So Tuscon is like 2 hours away. And on the way there we passsed an Ostrich farm! we didnt go there but it was kinda of a fummy thing to see. Ok so we went first to saguaro National Park and it was kinda cool and interesting, and very cactusy! That isnt a work but i like it anyway! There are lots and lots of cactus in the park. Which is probably not a bad thing! So there really wasnt many interesting things there other than the cacti so we drove down the road and to the Sedona Desert Museum. It was a pretty cool little museum. There was an outside path that took you through many parts of a desert and it was almost like a zoo. They had lots of different animals in various habitats. They had hummingbirds and javainas (spelling?!) and coyotes and rattlesnakes! They had all kinds of animals. The only down side was of course the heat!! Funny story: I was ooking at a t-shirt and trying to figure out if it would fit me. Well the man at the store said that i could try it on so i stepped into a closet to try on this shirt. it fit and so after putting on my other shirt i stepped out so that we could buy the new shirt. Well five minutes go by and i look at my shoulder. I noticed that a seem was facing me and i thought "thats not right" so i looked at the design on my shirt and well my shirt was inside out. I put it on inside out after trying on the other shirt!! I had a good laugh at that for about 5 minutes and since there wasnt a bathrom around me when i oticed that i had it on inside out i walked around for a few minutes with my shirt inside out!! It was a embarrassing thing to do but i got a good laugh out of it and thats all that matters! After the desert museum we went to my mom;s cousins house. And we met my second cousins. Olivia who's 13 and Jol whos 20 i think. They were very nice their mm, my moms cousin, BA was not home at the time, she works for American Airlines and was going to the airport to pick up her husband. Anyway so Joel and Olivia were the only ones that were home when we got there. So we lounged around the pool (they had a very nice inground pool that went from like 3 or 4 feet to like 8 or more feet and it had a diving board at one end). So we lounged around and went swimming. Then BA and her husband, Jason brought home soe diner and we all ate and chatted. It was a pleasant evening and then we went to bed. So thts it for yesterday. I am going to write a separate post for today! Later ya'll!!
Jessie

I dont think ill ever know why its 'heard' rather than 'herd'

Ok well to explain the title: we went to the Heard Museum. Its this museum that focuses on the Native Americans of this part of the country. It was a pretty interesting museum. But the museum didnt really deal with the sense of hearing. I could see why it would be called the Herd museum because many indian peoples followed the herds of te animals that they hunted. So i really dont understand why its Heard rather than Herd but it doesnt matter does it?! After the Heard Museum we went to a ghost town. It was called Goldfield Ghost Town, and mine. It was preety cool place too. WE did one of those old timey pictures and i got to be a saloon girl!! Which some people would today calla hooker! :) It was fun and at least i didnt have to go out wearing the clothes i tok he picture in because that would just be too much for me to handle!! The ghost town also had a reptile exhibit and Arizona has at least 13 different types of rattlesnakes. This exhibit had all of the types and they were just a little scary. Needless to say im glad they were in cages!! So that abous sums up today! Til tomorrow!!

Arizona and the architecture

So today was the first full day in AZ. It was pretty good. We got up kinda late, which is understandable because of all the traveling that we had yesterday. We had breakfast, i made a waffle... it was good. Then we went to Taliesin West. A home designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Hes my favorite architect. MAN are his houses WONDERFUL... if ever i becomerich im going to buy blueprints for a house that he has designed because i love his houses so much. So we went on a 90 inute tour of the house which was so fun. While on tht tour, i got a great start to a nice tan!! Then after that we went and saw some petrogyphs.that was fun and the signs on the side of the path said watch out for rattlesnakes!! EEEK... good thing we didnt see or hear any!! Well that was all that we really did today. So ill write later... Hasta luego!!
Jessie

Flying to Arizona

So as promised to many people. Here is day one of my daily travel blog! Yesterday we left KY for AZ. We left KY at 4 EST. We arrived in AZ at 9 AZ time or 12 midnight KY time! S then we slept. What a boring first day. The fun things about yesterday were getting lost and dancing to electric slide at the hotel. Apparently there was a graduation party going on and so i felt compelled to dance as we were checking in!! Another fun part of yesterday was the car rental. See i had my sights set on renting a Jeep. I wanted that SO freakin badly. But it just wasnt meant to be. Nope we got a newish Rav4 instead. for those reading who dnt know me i drie a Rav4. But the one that we rented its way more spacious and the back seats move almost as much as the front ones. This is something that i find VERY exciting. OH, its kinda like sittingin bulkhead seating on the airplane, which i got to d for the first time yesterday. Oh, man it was WONDERFUL!! The plane rides werent bad, on the first flight we were on the very last seats on the plane and then we were in bulkhead seating on the second plane with two airly cute guys sitting behind us. See i notice the important stuff in life!! Well we are about to start today's adventure so ill write later. by the way there are LOTS of spanish speaking people here!! hasta Luego!! (see you later)
Jessie

After Graduation

So the last post was not very long, i was distracted to say the least. After graduation i went to Outback with my family, i paid, arent i so nice?! My brothers and father and my nephew had shirts with a picture of me saying "My little sister"; "Daddy's Little Girl"; "My Aunt Jess" respectively. Seeing those almost made me cry! Other than that graduation was just something to get through. As i said earlier i wont really miss many people but rather the teachers that i have grown to love over the past couple of years. So im happy to be graduated and excited to move to the next point in my life: college!

As for right now, I am preparing to go to Arizona for a week. I am packing!! YAY!! So i hope to write like i did when i went to Hawaii, stay tuned. Also, in July i am going to Washington DC for the vet conference with my mom. So look forward to my daily travel blogs!!

Last thing before im done for the night. This summer is going to be a busy one for me. I have 4 jobs lined up, though im only currently working two. I have a job at my chiropractors office, im working with my mom at the vet clinic. The other two that i have lined up, though havent started yet is a tutoring job for a friends son and a decorating job for my friend who received Yeager as a service dog this month!! SO though my summer is going to be busy i will try to write soon!

Til next time....
Jessie

Graduation

So tonight i am graduating. Its kinda exciting but then again its also very sad. See im really not going to miss the people that im graduating with, well at least i wont miss most of them. Its sad though because its the end of a huge chapter in my life. Its funny how for 12 years your parents make you go to school and then one day you are on your own, deciding whether or not you are going to go to school. I just want to be me for me but right now i dont know exactly who i am. So i guess this summer is going to be a mission, if you will to find who i am. Well ive got to go. Will write more later! Til next time.....
Jessie

Easter

Happy Easter! So today was a really kinda interesting day. It was full of memories and also sadness. Until about 3 years ago we celebrated holidays at my grandma's house in Louisville. She is now in an assisted living place and we went to have lunch with her. The lunch was nice but this was the first time I had seen my grandma since she had her dementia fit and was mad at the world. She was quiet for the most part but one thing that she said really stood out to me. Basically it stood out to me because it was a comment about me and my driving. My parents were with her when I got in my wreck in January so she knew about it right away well today she told my aunt that my dad had to bail me out of jail because the cops called him when i got in that wreck. Thats the sadness of the day. The memory part is Timmy and his brother and sister came to visit me one Easter and since i was at my grandma's celebrating coming home reminded me of that day. See that Easter when we came home our neighbor was with Timmy and Shawn and Mandy and Shawn had no front teeth. He was coming down our driveway and a car was coming down the road and he didnt have any brakes so he put his feet out to stop his bike and flipped over the handlebars and lost his front teeth. Which last time I saw him still werent exactly the way they should have been. So theres my stories for the day. Again I am feeling sorry for myself and this is my way to vent.
Til next time....
Jessie

Transy

So its official. Well, almost. I went to Transy this past week and absolutely LOVED it. I got to hang out with some really cool people and my overnight host seemed to know everyone. It was just great. I even got to experience part of an all-nighter, although I went to bed at 2:30. My overnight host was Becca and she was really friendly and immediately I felt as if I was being welcomed by a huge hug from the Transy community. Becca had one friend, Michelle that we pretty much hung out with the whole time and she was cool to. Then came the guy friends. There were alot of guys that she introduced me to and I'm sure I'll miss a couple but here are the names of the ones that i remember. Sorry to those of you that I dont remember. There was Will, i think she said that he was a freshman and he let me hang out with him in his Chem 2 class. It was a class that I was scheduled to go to but it was nice I knowing and being able to sit near someone that i knew. Then there was Thomas, he is a Junior i think. I really didnt get to talk to him much but he seemed like a cool guy. Then i met Alex and Lee and Whitney and Laurie (they are twins) and more people that i cant remember. But the bottom line is that I had a blast and that i cant wait to go there in the fall.
Til next time... Jessie

Walking

The past few days i have been walking with different people at Bernheim Forrest. I have walked the same trail yet each day its been different. It acutally has been really nice. The weather has been great and the company is pretty good too. :) The best thing i think these walks have done is a form of therapy kind of. Really its been good to walk and talk to my friends and my mom about whatever is going on. Its a time to not think about anything in the world but me and the person that i am walking with. I am really hoping to make this a almost daily activity. Well then, I just wanted to talk about my walking experiences. Not only am i getting some quality time with people, but i am also getting exercise! Well then, til next time....
Jessie

Back to Normal.

My life is finally slowly getting back to normal. Well normal for my life! I got my job back and though I dont really want to work it means that I will get paid and that makes me VERY happy! I am looking forward to getting a break from school. Its not really stressful right now and I am keeping up and even doing some things ahead of time but I am really getting tired of the people. I can only take people in small doses and this months dose for some reason feels like its about 5 times too much. Right now I feel as if my teachers pretty much trust me with everything. I run errands for teachers and I even get put in charge of classes and its something to take pride in I guess. Im not the type to rebel but right now I just wish people wouldnt tell me their expectations for me or even how proud of me they are. I know this is something silly to complain about bur really I just want to be Jessie. Not "oh, I'm so proud of who you are, Jessie;" or "your parents should be so proud of you." I guess I really need to focus on what makes me happy and then for everyone else just let them think what they want to think. Most important, I think, is that I become a person that I would be happy to be. Lately I have been thinking a great deal about my future and college. I am getting excited about college but I still havent got a clue of what I want to do. There's nothing that just jumps out at me or anything that I really have a passion for. For some reason lately I have thought about doing something having to deal with theology. Its not something that i thought would be something for me to do, however all the different aspects of all the different religions completely intrigue me. I love learning about the different traditions and everything that people do for their religion. Its all very interesting to me. But then I dont really know what I would do with a theology major. Nor do I know how I would fit theology in a medical field. I think thats what I will go into because I am so much a math and science person. So therefore I think the medical field is my destiny, maybe with a minor of theology. Who knows. Well back to my European History homework. Til next time..... Jessie

Today's thoughts

I wonder what people think of me and what I have become. The adults that I know keep telling me that they are proud of me but what about my peers. I know that peer pressure is something that people avoid but even good students and students that are clean still are affected by peer pressure. Well, at least I am. Its important to me to be accepted. I don’t know why. I still like walking to my own music but I want backup to be there when I stumble or when I am unsure of myself. My biggest problem that I deal with every day is the problem of not being loved by guys my age. I know that this will change and I am counting down the days until that happens. However, its hard to see happy couples and to keep a smile on my face when things just aren’t perfect. The happy go lucky person that is pretty much always smiling and has gotten the nickname of “smiley”. That’s the person that everyone knows. There is another person here and its someone that people don’t get to see so often, it’s a hidden and secret identity. This person is stronger than I am, she is bold and speaks her mind. This girl is unafraid of anything that comes her way. She takes everything in as it comes to her. She lets things flow around her and pick her up and take her when its ready. This woman is angered easily and doesn’t get over things so easily. She gets really hurt easily too. It really hurts her and makes her mad when she has plans with someone and then those plans fall through. The excuses that are given usually sound really fake to me. Spending time with the family is understandable, but is that really what is going to happen or did you just not want to hang out with me in the first place. If what I suggested was something that really doesn’t sound fun to you then DON’T say “oh yea lets do that” because saying that gets my hopes up and then I am just disappointed. I am an eternal optimist but sooner or later I am going to break and not be so happy go lucky. I will snap and whoever gets the brunt of my wrath may not end up being my friend after I am done telling them exactly what I think. I am a people pleaser but at some point I have to please myself too. Its hard, and scary. Life is happening all around me and somehow I feel as if I am just watching it and not actually living it. On the other hand I am someone who just goes with the flow because that’s what is easiest to do. One day I will break the mold that I have created and I will shock everyone around me, including myself. The bottom line of all this and what got me talking in the first place was the fact that breaking plans really aggravates me. If we plan something then follow through. Bottom line. I can understand family emergencies but not every time we have plans. And I can understand having to spend time with your parents but not every time we are supposed to do something. When people say things like this to me it make me feel inadequate, even though I’m not. It makes me feel like a loser and I hate the feeling. So next time you initiate something I will probably have “other plans” even if its not right, it makes me feel better. I know that it just starts a cycle but I don’t really care. So that’s my thoughts for now. Til next time….

Update

Ok so now some hectic life things are over and this is my time to do some reflecting. Dad had kidney stone surgery last Friday. I got my Prom dress on Friday, with help from 2 fun people and a very special dog! My grandma will probably be gone in less than 3 months. And I have seen real and pictures of some really attractive boys!

Dad's surgery went well and he is happier!

My prom dress is FREAKIN awesome. I really like it. Although it is red and i am not really a red person I must say that it looks pretty good on me!

Its hard to think that my grandma wont live much longer but really it will be better for her. She has changed so much and I really want to remember her for who she was and not who she has become and I realize that saying this might make me seem selfish but hey, maybe I am. I dont plan on visiting her until the inevitable happens. I love her and told her that last time I saw her.

Both attractive boys that I have seen recently are boys that I have known for a while but I must say that they, hmm how to put it, they have grown nicely since the last time that I have seen them.

As for a huge decision that I am facing in the next month or so: College, I think that in my mind i have really made my decision, however my body is saying that i just need to wait for my overnight visit.

So back to the present and whats rolling out of my mind right now! I am really looking forward to college, not just for the moving on and growing up but also for the people that I really hope to meet. Honestly I am hoping to have a happy relationship by this time next year. So far, i have lived most of my "love life" in my dreams and through books (though i really dont like romance novels, I have only read one that could even count as one). I am excited and somewhat anxious to have a fun, happy relationship.

Final thoughts: Your life reflects the way that you live. Life is what you make of it, and being an eternal optimist, even though the last month hasnt been great for me, I was continually thankful that it wasnt worse. I wasnt having the best of months and yet I kept thinking about people in places like Africa. So though life hits hard every now and then, always remember, it could get worse and if you are negative about things it probably will, though if you think positive thoughts, it will get better.

Wow, I think I got a good bit of rambling in! Til next time....
Jessie

Being There

Hey there, here's a new poem. Enjoy! I'll leave the origin to your imagination! :)

I told him what I needed
and he said that he was there
I asked him if I hurt him
And he said that he got over it
He should know I didn’t mean to
Now he loves someone else and doesn’t care…
As much; but still he goes on a limb
And is there whenever I have a fit
He tells me that he will always think of me as more than just a friend
I tell him that I still care for him
And I don’t want to step on any toes
He has someone new that he loves
A girl that doesn’t know what she’s got
I was like that to
It was hard for us to go our separate ways
And harder still to make it work
But he says he will always be there for me
I will always be thankful for that
The door swings both ways
And I hope that he will remember that
For I will always talk to him
If that’s what he needs
Even if its 2am and he’s on his knees
Or later like 4
When I am ready to hit the floor
To me he will always be Mr. Mysterious
Even if its just friends for us.

Til next time....
Jessie (finally getting back to her old self)

Stress Attack

Well today was an interesting day. I went to school and almost at the end of my first class, I had a panic type thing happen. It was tachycardia. My heart rate shot up to 120-130 beats per minute for no apparent reason. I also have an ear and sinus infection. My dad is ok, after a stint in the ER last Friday because of superventricular tachycardia. And my grandma is losing it as she is dying. I am an emotional wreck and only wish for a guy to hold me while I cry. I haven't been able to cry everything out yet. I want to so bad but when I am by myself its just so hard. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend either because I know I am just not up for that right now but you know, a friendly shoulder that will just be there for as long as it will take. Right now though, I am living on my dreams that I am having of the summer, looking forward to college (no matter how scared of it I am) and books that I am reading. These things are the only things giving me a reprieve from the hardest week to date in my life.

I was just reading a friend's bulletin on myspace and one of the questions is: What is the most unsatisfactory answer you've ever received? and right now I'm really wanting to answer just that one question. Ok so the MOST unsatisfactory answer I have ever received is "we are to good of friends, your like a sister to me." Now guys, listen up. This is not a good answer for a lot of reasons. First, its NOT what the girl wants to hear. Second it hurts just as bad or worse than almost anything else you can say. And third, its just a stupid rejection, DONT USE IT!

Ok so now I am going to go complain to some of my friends, maybe they will listen to me or at least read about my feelings.
Til next time, I'm feeling sorry for myself!
Jessie

Life

So life has recently put some road blocks up. They aren't as bad as some that people experience but nonetheless they aren't fun and I am in the mood to share them. As you all know my grandmother fell back in August, she fell again in late December and has been living in an assisted living home. She is now screaming telling everyone that she is wanting to die. She is going downhill REALLY fast. This is really hard for me because she may be the FIRST person that I am close to to ever die. It is really scary for me. Another block was last Friday my dad had an episode of SVT, super ventricular tachicardia (i don't know if that is spelled right or not). Basically it is where someone's heart starts beating REALLY fast, like 200 beats per minute. This is the second time my dad has been hospitalized for SVT in a month and a half. He is ok now but he has had two different kinds of episodes since Friday and that too is scary. Not only is my dad having heart issues he also has bronchitis, as does my mom. And becuase I am living in a house with two sick people I too am sick. So that is my life at the moment. OK, now that I have that out I think I can concentrate on my homework. Does everyone know that on top of this life I have 2 Advanced Placement classes going on in addition to volunteering for 2 organizations and all my school activities? Ok I am really done complaining now. Comment me, it may be able to distract me just a little. Til next time....

Blurred Away

I don’t know what to say
My feelings are all mushed and life has blurred away
See, I like this guy
But I am so shy
I think he is too
So this will be something very new
We don’t know each other very well
And as far as I can tell,
He’s got the best personality.
My friends say that guys just don’t see all of me
But I think he just might
Its too soon to tell, but I’ve been up all night
I can’t get him out of my mind
Maybe he’s the one that will be able to find
The real me, the one that others pass over
Maybe he will see what’s below the cover
But until that happens, life is calling
Though I seem to be falling
I hope that I can keep my head above the water
I don’t want to falter
I have done that so much in the past
And its not something that I want to happen again, so fast.

Hey everyone, this is my newest poem. Its like a week old, but hey its here. This one isn't really about a particular person but more about several people. OK then I'll write again soon.
Til next time...
Jessie

The big 5 - 0 (post number 50)

I just got some pretty exciting news today. A friend of mine that has been living in Israel will be coming back across that big blue ocean sometime this summer. This is really exciting for me. Man, I really hope that they get to come to KY to meet my friends! I was actually hoping that they would be able to come in May, but no such luck. So it looks like this will be a short post because I have nothing more to say. Well, til next time.
Jessie