Emotional Roller Coaster

Maybe its just me, maybe I over analyze things, either choice is a good probability, but its part of my charm right?!
I felt on top of the world the other day, talked to a basketball players mom, and she indroduced us to him, and he was nice. And then saw another basketball player that I am already semi-friends with, talked to him, cool. Then had a conversation with another player on facebook chat, and apparently he had noticed my presence at the game, awesome! And then I had more than a 1 word conversation with the guy that is currently the most attractive person in the world to me, AMAZING! I was on a roll, even saw a bunch of them at Gattitown, it was neat to see them outside of school. Even had an awkward dance with that one that is the prettiest person in the world, lets call him The Saint. Yup, almost literally ran into him at the soda stand at Gattitown and we had one of those awkward trying to get out of each others way dances, for which we both apoligized. And I played about 30 minutes of basketball at Gattitown, I was on top of the world, getting over some of my fears.
I had a friend tell me that he didnt like to run from his fears, instead he liked to laugh at his fears and overcome them, and I am trying to incorporate that into my life. So far, its slow going, but at least it is going right?
Anyway, on top of the world, and today was somewhat the same, a friend wanted to work out before the game and so I was just gonna read some homework while she was working out, but then there happened to be a JV game and so of course, I watched that, and players from the team that we were playing came out to watch their JV team play, and they surrounded me, so instead of being awkward I had fun conversation with them. We joked around and it was fun. And I got to see some of our players just hanging out waiting for the game and such. Then it was game time, I got my favorite seats, half court line, FRONT row! The team did not disappoint, nope they beat the 23 nationally ranked NCAA division III team, I was pumped, although I dont think they were as pumped, maybe just exhausted, it was a rough game, lots of fouls, fast paced, and the other team definitely had a size advantage. Yet The Saint had the most rebounds even though hes one of the shortest players on our team! That was fun. Sadly though he didnt get any field goals, but had 7 points, thanks to free throws. haha look at me, making my blog into something about basketball!

Anyway, I guess it was after the game that my high started wearing off. I mean Im a student, working to get things done, moving forward to the unknown, and what do I really have. I have friends- which even though I love them sometimes I get frustrated or annoyed with them, but thats just life. I have a great family, parents who love me, a grandmother who would give me the world if she could, and 2 brothers who I adore, even to this day, usually. haha.
But I read my poems and I think I overthink lots of things, what does it really matter what people think of me? I need to be myself in order to be the person that I want to be, it comes from inside.
There are things in my past that I know were hard while I was going through them but I honestly dont remember all the things that I thought I would, something are clear, but mostly things are fading, fuzzy or maybe I have just plain blocked or written over some things.
Timmy was my first childhood crush and it lasted for what seemed a lifetime, but its over now, sure I loved him and I still think about him, but I cant tell you how glad I didnt end up with him. Or any of the other guys that I have liked over the years. Sure I think its hard not knowing about things that others know about and sure I may not know lots about relationships. But I have seen lots of relationships, and being the person that I am I read into how the people carry themselves, what is good about the relationship, what is something that I want, what do I not want. And so I have expectations, and I dont necessarily hold every person that I meet to those expectations, but rather I hold myself to the expectations. I dont want to change for a person and if I feel like I am changing too much then its not good, its not the person that I should be with. And I dont really see myself dating around. So though its hard, and not necessarily fun, I am working on being me, finding myself (and I have come a long way, but circumstances are always changing so I may not know myself 100%, and thats ok.) and letting people see me. Not a shy person, but rather a talkative one, and not always a happy person, but a person that always wants to make others smile, and not always a nice person, but a person who tells others when she is mad at them, or hits them out of frustration, or maybe gives them the silent treatment. And most recently a person who has come obsessed with the game of basketball and has even made her own stats sheet to take to and fill out at games. So this is me, being myself, and hoping that others will want to find a place in my life, whether its as friends, acquaintances, or other things. But no pressure, things will happen when they are meant to, and I may not be happy with the timing but I do believe that it will happen when I am truly ready, and until then I'll be the best me that there is.