Self confidence

I think part of my problem in life is a lack of self-confidencs. Sure I get through life just fine but I am almost ALWAYS turning to people for direction, I still make my own decisions in the end but I really do depend on others, and after the past week I think I just dont have a true feeling of security/confidence in myself. I will start with the reasons that I think this statement is true, and then I might brainstorm some ways that this can be fixed. Here goes.
1. Yesterday, my brother was in Lexington so that we could go to a UK game together. I felt as if I talked way too much and annoyed him. Granted I talked mostly about basketball but I talked more about Transy's basketball than UK's basketball. And I tried to slow down, but I didnt feel as if it worked. So after he left, and had time to get home I apoligized for talking sooo much, and he said "I didnt think you talked too much, I am proud of you for all that you do, and especially your love of basketball." WOW was my intuition OFF. I mean GEEZ, I didnt annoy him one bit, no hes proud of me?! That was my wake-up call.
2. My mind keeps convincing me that the Transy basketball team would be weirded out by the fact that I do my own set of stats at every game that I attend. But last week after the game I talked to one of the players- after his mom introduced him to my roomie and myself, he has talked to us after every game, real sweet guy (name is Matt). Anyway he was talking how they always play a close game with Hanover, and I started talking about how in the first meeting of Hanover this year they lost by a last second (almost literally) foul and how the team made their 2 free throws and thats what messed us up last time. And then I apoligized for knowing and remembering the things about the game. He laughed and said "No, its fine. Its really cool that you are so dedicated." And that stuck with me, maybe they dont all think I am weird because I take stats. Maybe, just maybe they think its neat, how many fans, that arent related take stats, just for the heck of it? (I know some parents took stats for their kids, at least in high school. I honestly havent noticed if people do it for the Transy games, mostly because I sit FRONT ROW center!)
3. The last way I feel that I am more dependant that independant sometimes is because I am always asking for opinions about what I should do about things, granted I dont always listen to what the people say but I do feel as if I mmake my hard decisions with the help of my friends rather all on my own.
And now, for brainstorming- yay brainstorming.
I need to work at convincing myself that really, honestly, what I do is for me, and those who are weirded out by it wont talk to me but those who either think it is neat or dont care one way or another will still talk to me, and thats a GOOD thing. Its all about being yourself, and I have let loose since coming to Transy, letting people see the real me, but I still feel as if SOMETHING is being held back.
My intuition isnt always right, I mean look at how WRONG I was in reading my brother. Maybe its deep down that I feel that what I do SHOULD be weird so I perceive that it is weird where others think its neat.
And I think a big thing, is that I need to be smart about my decisions, sure its ok to get input from friends, but not for EVERY little decision. And things dont always have to be disected, meaning that every conversation that I have with the Saint, or anyone that Im attracted to doesnt need to be taken apart piece by piece. Sometimes its good to take things at face value and go with the flow.

I wrote the other day about what it would take to make me happy, and though I am still working on that, I did have a couple of happy days. We had a snow day and the ice/snow that made the snow day made me happy, even though I slipped and fell right on my butt and now have a pretty purple bruise. Wednesday we had NO classes, and I got to play in the snow/ice ALL day, with I couple of breaks to warm up. My knees are bruised from trying to run and slide, which turned into run and thwack! And snowball fights! One of my basketball player buddies came out and actually threw a snowball at me, it was funny, he was TOO far off but it made my day. Thursday was a good day too, the only thing that I had to do was my calculus test, which wasnt necessarily a fun thing, but it wasnt too terrible and Im definitely glad that it is over. And because of the weather the basketball game got moved from Wed. to Thursday, which for some reason really made me happy. And then after the basketball game got to talk to Matt a little and the Saint waved at me AND talked to me, it was thrilling, and I was on a high the rest of the night. Friday wasnt super exciting, but it was nice. My poor roomie hurt herself on Friday, falling and possibly breaking her wrist, and then she took her pain meds on an empty stomach, which made her high, and very HAPPY! And I got to talk to the Saint a little, its getting easier and easier, which is nice. We have little 5 minute conversations here and there, which is all it takes to keep me happy. LOL. Maybe we can be friends afterall, hopefully. Yesterday was nice because I got to see my brother. I cant even tell you how much I miss my family. Dont get me wrong I absolutely LOVE Transy and Lexington and think that this was the right decision for me, but that doesnt mean that its less hard for me to stay away for extended periods of time.
So I guess thats about it. Im learning to value my own judgement, not to take things so seriously and living one day at a time, for all its worth.