White Horse

(The title refers to Taylor Swift's new song, not an actual white horse)

So much runs through my head on a daily basis. Everything from clothes, to how my friends are doing- what struggles they might have on a given day (meaning tests and such), how my roomie is doing and what I can do to help her out- she has a broken wrist, what I need to get done in classes, how I can approach different situations, what will make me happy today, how Transy's basketball team is doing- and replays of certain games, to my family- what each individual in the family is doing and what I can do to make them happier- or at least feel supported. And then there are times throughout the day where my mind is just plain blank, maybe I am subconsciously thinking of many things but nothing is on the top of my mind. This happens quite a bit, its like I am thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Lastly there are the times where whatever I was just thinking of got totally erased from my brain- most recently this happens when a particular person makes eye contact with me, and its really frustrating. I want to have coherent thoughts, and even speak coherently- luckily I havent had to think much about my responses because said person (lets call him Clark) and I dont have many talking events. Oh well, thats a gist of what goes through my brain at a given time.

I am happier today than I have been in a while. I had a great time at home this past weekend, went to the circus for the first time ever in my life; I had a lot of family time- which was great. I love my family. I am even more worried about my neices now, and my brother. I think something is happening there, I dont think that my sister-in-law is around much, which isnt a good thing. You know, at least for me when you get married you want to be with someone that wants to spend time with you, and it doesnt have to be a lot of time, but I just dont see that with my brother. It seems that he is already a single father- but she just still lives there. I mean the girls have learned how to and actually do fix each others hair- sure thats fun for dress up time, but not to go out in public when the girls are 6 and 4 years old. Anyway, back to my being happier- I am not going to my sorority meeting tonight and I just want to JUMP for joy. I go in front of the standards board tomorrow to discuss my probation, and I think at the end of the semester I will go and ask for voluntary suspension- but one step at a time. And to top off my happy mood I heard from a friend that is halfway around the world- in Ethiopia. Its always nice to hear from him and his family, and I have gotten 2 emails in 2 months! Almost a record, haha. He isnt very good at the whole email/facebook thing. But its ok, because sporadic contact is MUCH better than no contact whatsoever.

There is one other thing that is contributing to the happy Jessie. Mom and I went and saw "Hes just not that into you" the other day and parts were dumb but the end message was virtually that everyone deserves to be happy, and sometimes being happy is just being able to be yourself- with or without a significant other. And then after that mom and I had a good discussion about love and such, and once we got home we pulled out moms old diaries which she is letting me read. They start when she was 10, then skip to when she turned 14 and are consecutive for about 10 years. Its really interesting reading what she had to say as a 11 and 14 year old (I havent gotten past those diaries yet) and how much I can relate to what she was feeling then, with what I feel now. No two people are the same, but it is nice to see similarities of our "obsessive" crushes so that I can see how she dealt with it, and maybe learn something from her- or rather her 14 year old self.

Lastly, to cover the title of this post. Taylor Swift's song White Horse talks about how life isnt a fairy tale and how she isnt a princess and ends basically by telling the "prince" that its too late for him and his white horse to save her now. Basically its a story about a girl who was waiting in prince charming, but he didnt show up in a timely manner, so she saved herself. I feel like I am getting to that point. I dont need a prince charming, I just need to believe in myself.