Lonely

I dont think I have ever felt so alone in my life.
Sure, part of it was probably my own doing because I was really happy to have the room to myself all day. But also, I am a social being and wanted to have dinner with some friends, but when I call all the friends that I would consider eating a sit down dinner with, and they are all busy, thats just seriously depressing.
And thats not my only problem.
How do you show someone that you are truly happy for them and their successes when you are drowning in your own lack of self worth?
I am so happy for you, really, thrilled, I want to be jumping up and down for you, but on the other hand, I can barely smile at anything right now.
That's just not fair to either one of us. So, maybe if I isolate myself, then you dont have to see my lack of happy, and I dont wallow so much in your happiness.
I am a panicky, weepy, overwhelmed, horribly angry mess that just wants to be held. Yea, if I had the opportunity I would hide from myself.
I guess heres to hoping this black hole that I have turned into wont last, and I will come on the other side completely amazing.

You arent welcome here anymore, boy.

I know, I know, I said I was going to focus more on daily life, and the non-boy issues. But you see, those are things that I can easily talk about with the people in my daily life, and therefore I dont need an outlet for them. And thus, yes, this post is about boys, or really that one boy that I banned from my life Halloween weekend.
I read my happy romantic comedy books, I have happy days, and I dream about my life to come but with all of those things, there is that undertone of him. I am the one that sent him away, told him not to talk to me, deleted our "friendship" so why, WHY can I not keep him out of my head?
I dont even want him in my life. Ok, so maybe I like the idea of most of his attributes- hes 6'4'' and a country boy and he has a fun personality- but he has some things that are deal breakers: his lack of making plans for one (and its a big one!), he gave bad excuses and his overall communication skills kind of suck.
Really, if we combined J with T, things would be perfect, but I am not a mad scientist, nor is it actually possible... sigh.
Back to my rambles about J. I ramble here because he is kind of a he-who-must-not-be-named type of person in my group of friends, and more than that, if I do talk about him- out loud with my voice- its like I cant get away from him. If I keep him in my head and on my blog, I still have some control, and hes banished from my real life.
But there is a flaw in that logic, really if I give thought to him, then he is in my real life.
What to do about that?
I dont know, and maybe when I figure something out, I will tell you, but for now, I just have to keep my head high, the only one that can make my life not worth living is me, and I am not that weak.

I just gotta keep on keeping on.

New year, new me?

I dont think so.
In fact, I feel gross, like an exaggeration, and downright worthless.
I've lost my happy place, and I need to find it again.
Or, maybe I am growing up and becoming my own person with my own opinions, and I dont care what other people think- I get to think what I want to think.

Reinventing myself here.
Sort of.
At least, I think maybe?