So, I text him. Said that I knew we hadnt talked in almost 5 months (today would have been the 5 month mark exactly)and I knew that it was on me, but I was thinking of him and I hope he was doing well. Since he didnt respond to the facebook message, I didnt figure he would respond to this either, and I was ok with that, mostly.
But he responded. And apparently he didnt get the message until last week, because his mom had read it.
Anyway.
Why did I make contact? What makes it different this time?
Ever had an addiction? You can give it up and the first couple of days its not so bad, and you even go through periods of time in which you dont care about it at all. And then you hit a wave of longing. Yea, this was one of those waves. And I lived with it for almost 2 weeks before I did anything about it. So what made me do something? Well, I looked deeply in my heart and soul. And I wrote down things that I thought of, all the questions that came to mind. Why him, why now, what if this happens, or even that?
And I decided that being in contact with him was healthy for me. I miss his friendship because he's not connected to the rest of my friends and in some ways he is a breath of fresh air. AND this time, this friendship will happen on my terms. I made the first contact to show that I guess I was ready to have him back in my life. But if he wants to be in my life, than he gets to make the effort. If he wants to hang out, he can make the contact, and I get to choose whether or not I am free, or want to see him. We are friends, and there is no need to over think anything that happens.
OK, so I'm not perfect.
And I am slightly over thinking the reasons behind this "couple of hours" long conversation that he wants to have because he doesnt want to "rush anything" but, I mean, things happen.
I just gotta keep telling myself, that I am in charge here, and I've done it once- ok so really its been more like 3 times, and I CAN live without him (and I pretty much do live without him 6 months out of the year).
Moral of the story: I did some soul searching before I decided to let him back in my life. Now, we just have to wait and see how it works this time!
(I think I might understand why people have on-again, off-again relationships. Before I always thought it was very stupid!)
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Back To December
It's a song by Taylor Swift. And it describes my feelings of at least the past week fully.
I know that I can't change things, and that its useless looking on the past, but that does not stop me from doing such things.
Its sad that I get inspired to write when I am having hard days with respect to J. Last night was super tough because I've missed him so much lately- we met 2 years ago last Sunday, and of course since I am a dates person, I remember that.
I effectively deleted him out of my life in December. And I miss him. I know that a real "relationship" between us is impractical, and I know that it won't work. But its not just the thought of a relationship that I miss, because technically we were never more than friends. *Sigh*
Yesterday I wrote in my journal and it was like 3 pages of J. Its weird because I struggle to protect my heart, but on the other hand I want to be certain and not have that what if later in life, and I dont know which will win out.
But I had a dream about him last night. I was on spring break and staying at my parents house. In the dream I had had the same struggle that I am having now, and I decided that what the hell, what could I lose by making contact- its not like if he doesnt respond that anything will be different. So I went to tractor supply- it seemed the easiest way to get in touch with him. His work is 2 hours away from my house, and for some reason I was in mom's car, and dad was at tractor supply for something too. I go inside, and at first I figure he might not be working because its a Sunday (back when we were still talking and he got this new job he said that he would likely have Saturday and Sunday off). But I'm looking around and casing out all the workers, and then I see him helping a customer. We make eye contact, and then I go and intently look at screwdrivers, or something equally random. And he comes over and says hey, and I notice that he has a hugely swollen hand- think Hulk hand on a guy that is 6'4'' and 150 pounds at the most. And I say "hey, can we talk?" And we walk around the store, and I apologize for October, and talk about how I miss our friendship and was wondering if we could start fresh (for the 3rd year in a row). He listened patiently, told me that he missed our friendship as well but was worried about being friends again, but he would be willing to give it a shot. And then I told him its all good, it would have to be slow anyway, because I cant tell any of my Transy friends that he is back in my life- they would like lock me away. And then we parted ways, kind of with a bittersweet feeling.
Then at the end of the dream, I got into mom's car and I didnt turn it on but accidentally put it into drive. And it started rolling, and there were hills and because it wasnt on I couldnt put it back in park, but because it wasnt in park I couldnt put it on. But the brakes worked, not 100% but enough to keep me out of trouble, so I searched for a hill to go up so that the car would stop completely so that I could turn it on. And eventually ended up in a park, got the car started fine, drove off, and woke up.
I don't know what is gonna happen, but I am sure it will be a learning experience.
So here's to learning something new, even if it throws your world upside down and involves some emotional pain!
I know that I can't change things, and that its useless looking on the past, but that does not stop me from doing such things.
Its sad that I get inspired to write when I am having hard days with respect to J. Last night was super tough because I've missed him so much lately- we met 2 years ago last Sunday, and of course since I am a dates person, I remember that.
I effectively deleted him out of my life in December. And I miss him. I know that a real "relationship" between us is impractical, and I know that it won't work. But its not just the thought of a relationship that I miss, because technically we were never more than friends. *Sigh*
Yesterday I wrote in my journal and it was like 3 pages of J. Its weird because I struggle to protect my heart, but on the other hand I want to be certain and not have that what if later in life, and I dont know which will win out.
But I had a dream about him last night. I was on spring break and staying at my parents house. In the dream I had had the same struggle that I am having now, and I decided that what the hell, what could I lose by making contact- its not like if he doesnt respond that anything will be different. So I went to tractor supply- it seemed the easiest way to get in touch with him. His work is 2 hours away from my house, and for some reason I was in mom's car, and dad was at tractor supply for something too. I go inside, and at first I figure he might not be working because its a Sunday (back when we were still talking and he got this new job he said that he would likely have Saturday and Sunday off). But I'm looking around and casing out all the workers, and then I see him helping a customer. We make eye contact, and then I go and intently look at screwdrivers, or something equally random. And he comes over and says hey, and I notice that he has a hugely swollen hand- think Hulk hand on a guy that is 6'4'' and 150 pounds at the most. And I say "hey, can we talk?" And we walk around the store, and I apologize for October, and talk about how I miss our friendship and was wondering if we could start fresh (for the 3rd year in a row). He listened patiently, told me that he missed our friendship as well but was worried about being friends again, but he would be willing to give it a shot. And then I told him its all good, it would have to be slow anyway, because I cant tell any of my Transy friends that he is back in my life- they would like lock me away. And then we parted ways, kind of with a bittersweet feeling.
Then at the end of the dream, I got into mom's car and I didnt turn it on but accidentally put it into drive. And it started rolling, and there were hills and because it wasnt on I couldnt put it back in park, but because it wasnt in park I couldnt put it on. But the brakes worked, not 100% but enough to keep me out of trouble, so I searched for a hill to go up so that the car would stop completely so that I could turn it on. And eventually ended up in a park, got the car started fine, drove off, and woke up.
I don't know what is gonna happen, but I am sure it will be a learning experience.
So here's to learning something new, even if it throws your world upside down and involves some emotional pain!
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Temporary Home
A song by Carrie Underwood
Today, while I was in the middle of a group project, my mom informed me that Stan Burrous had died. This is the man that for the first 11 years of my life, I called Grandpa, a man who was always loving towards me, even though I was aware that he had a kind of mean streak. And then he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, turned horribly nasty towards my grandma, divorced her, and moved to Pennsylvania. This is a man who, I have had little to no contact with for the past 11 years. Yet, still, the news of his passing gives me pause.
No, we werent related by blood, but he was a part of my life, and he did leave his mark on my heart.
He was their when I took my first steps.
He would always bring me goodies when he and my grandma visited.
And there was that one weekend, when I was sent to stay with him and Grandma and I didnt speak! Thats right, I think I was maybe 5 or 6, and I didnt utter a word the whole weekend, but I did smile.
I remember my smile brought a smile to his face, he was funny. And I will always have the wooden bowls he made for me... time to pull them out and appreciate them for the love that was poured into them.
No, my life wont necessarily drastically change because the man that I called Grandpa died, but it is a reminder that life is temporary, and we should love with all our heart, follow all our passions, smile daily, and work to foster the relationships that matter to us.
Here's to Grandpa Stan, Grandma Carnes, George, Great-Aunt Mary Belle, Cousin Sharon, Friend Mr. Saltsman, Grandma Carnes' Sister; Abbey (dog), Khan (dog), Dolly (horse), Kitty (cat), Not Spot (cat), Junior (cat) and all the other friends and family I have lost since the summer of 2007. Rest In Peace
Today, while I was in the middle of a group project, my mom informed me that Stan Burrous had died. This is the man that for the first 11 years of my life, I called Grandpa, a man who was always loving towards me, even though I was aware that he had a kind of mean streak. And then he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, turned horribly nasty towards my grandma, divorced her, and moved to Pennsylvania. This is a man who, I have had little to no contact with for the past 11 years. Yet, still, the news of his passing gives me pause.
No, we werent related by blood, but he was a part of my life, and he did leave his mark on my heart.
He was their when I took my first steps.
He would always bring me goodies when he and my grandma visited.
And there was that one weekend, when I was sent to stay with him and Grandma and I didnt speak! Thats right, I think I was maybe 5 or 6, and I didnt utter a word the whole weekend, but I did smile.
I remember my smile brought a smile to his face, he was funny. And I will always have the wooden bowls he made for me... time to pull them out and appreciate them for the love that was poured into them.
No, my life wont necessarily drastically change because the man that I called Grandpa died, but it is a reminder that life is temporary, and we should love with all our heart, follow all our passions, smile daily, and work to foster the relationships that matter to us.
Here's to Grandpa Stan, Grandma Carnes, George, Great-Aunt Mary Belle, Cousin Sharon, Friend Mr. Saltsman, Grandma Carnes' Sister; Abbey (dog), Khan (dog), Dolly (horse), Kitty (cat), Not Spot (cat), Junior (cat) and all the other friends and family I have lost since the summer of 2007. Rest In Peace
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