I cant sleep.

I sometimes worry that I complain too much about my life here.
But I generally like my life.

Tonight, however, I have mixed emotions.
I found out about 2 hours ago that my great aunt passed away- my grandma's sister, Stella.
She was something like 94 years old.
But what will stick with me for years to come, I think is that when I went with my grandma to visit her in November, she was constantly checking to make sure that I was around. "Where's Jessie?" (She was blind at this point).
Tonight I am feeling "I'm here." But I want more. I want to say something brilliant like "Jessie is getting her CPA",  "Jessie is off traveling the world", "Jessie is not simply here, she is everywhere." For now, though, I am just here.
I also find it comforting/interesting/I dont know... but over the past few months, I have apparently been a hot commodity with my great aunt and even my great uncle. They are twins, Stella and John. And I know for certain that one thing they talked of was my trip to Italy.
I hope that I never forget the love and support that I had from my family, my Great Aunt and Uncle while I was in Italy. May it always be a highlighted memory.

Also, a different Great Uncle of mine, who passed earlier this year, will be laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery next Monday. I didnt have many visits with Slim that I remember, but I remember he was always a pretty nice guy. And welcoming to me, and I was always amazed at how tall and skinny he was- maybe thats why his nickname was Slim? haha. But really what I remember most about Slim is/was that he was married to my Great Aunt Fern- who is a cool lady, and my mom's favorite aunt. I fear that Fern wont be around much longer, but at least I will have the memory of her telling me about 4 years ago "I like being old, you get to ask inappropriate questions and be cranky, and no one really cares, because you are OLD!" I think thats a great attitude to have!

But ultimately these deaths remind me of my grandma, as all deaths that I have been through do. I think its because out of all the people who have passed away in the past 4 years, my grandma was a. the first one, and b. the one who I was closest to. And tonight I miss my grandma a whole lot. She first had troubles right after, like literally 2 days after I started my Sr. year of high school, yet she held on long enough to know that I graduated and even to "see" me off to college. She was alive long enough to see every grandchild through their 18th birthday.
I dont know if its me being silly but I choose to believe that she made sure I made it to college. In case you werent around- she died 1 week and 1 day into my Transy career.

As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. I am reminded that life comes and goes. Some people treat you right and some people dont. Some people you love to hate and others you hate to love.Sometimes I get too far ahead of myself, and its times like tonight that I am reminded to live in the present, and find a little bit of happiness in every day.
I only hope that when it comes time for me to make peace with my time on earth, that I have relatives who can keep alive my memory.
Here's to all the loved ones I have lost in the past 4 years:
Henrietta, Sharon, Violet, Dale, Mary Belle, Len, Stan, Slim and Stella
aka:
Grandma, Cousin, Great-Aunt, friend's dad, Great-aunt, Grandma's boyfriend, Ex-Grandpa, Great-Uncle, Great-Aunt.