Point of View

Many would argue that I dont have many struggles in my life. I have a college degree, a family willing to let me take the summer off of any real work and no student loans to panic about. And I understand that.
However, as I type this, I am going through the most difficult part of my life, to this point.

I have a depressed, diabetic father who likes sweets when he is depressed. Therefore, he conveniently forgets that hes diabetic, or doesnt care, or something like that. And he will be having his second knee surgery tomorrow. I love my father and I am grateful that the heart attack didnt take him from this world prematurely, however, I fear it made him somewhat of a hypochondriac, and that really bugs me. I hope that he gets through the surgery tomorrow, that his recoup time isnt as long or hard or tedius as he thinks its going to be, and that he will shift focus from "whats going to happen to me now" to "how can I improve my quality of life".

On the other hand my mom is sick. Shes a needy sick and on top of that shes worried about dad's surgery tomorrow. Can I give her a xanax tomorrow, pretty please? (just kidding). Over this past weekend she has turned into someone that I dont know. I worry that perhaps she too is getting depressed. And I cannot handle both of them being depressed.

I feel like our house is turning into a black hole and if I dont get out I too will be sucked down. And that only makes me want to run away. I dont have a steady job- which rules out actually moving out. But I am ready to move on in life, to start my next chapter. It just seems that I take one step forward and 2 steps backwards. I have my college degree, so I move home and work the same job I've had for the past 10 years. Yea, great, what a way to start life after college. I am simply an ant. I have no real roll in this world at the moment and I am so invisible that my family cant even see my pain. I dont want to be the back bone of the family, I dont want to have to agree with my father, soothe my mother, protect my brothers. I want to run away, to Lexington. But I wont, because what is needed of me right now, is to be the family rock. I'll just keep taking the punches, the mood swings and I will hope for everything to stabilize on the other side.