Baby when we're good, you know we're great...

But theres too much bad for us to think
That theres anything worth trying to save.

Tomorrow, by Chris Young.

Oh, Halloween, how you makes me remember LAST Halloween and the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?
Been thinking of J lately, sigh. But here's what's been in that thought process lately.
It was last Oct 28th that I cut him off, we didnt talk til March 27 and then we talked fairly frequently through May 26th and then our contact fizzled away. In August, or was it September that we had our last real conversation.
But look at that March 27 through May 26 was our main contact. Thats 2 months. We had a good 2 month out of the last 12 months. Wow. Thats pretty sad. Thats incredibly sad. That means that if we were to lengthen the time, it would take us 6 years to have a good 12 months (for 1 year).
Thats not how I want to live my life. My James chapter is obviously done- except for the lingering thought.

And truth be told- I've noticed that I have been focusing less energy on finding a man. On crushing on guys in my life.

Right now, my focus is on finding a job. On passing my CPA tests. I dont have the time or energy for a guy. I know that sounds like a cop out, and maybe it is, but I really have more pressing things in my life to deal with than guys. If a guy wants to be in my life- he will be.

So here's to quiet blessings, one of which being no longer being led on by JJRDF. Though its a shame that our friendship went to hell too.

Goodnight, love you all.

I think I am doing it backwards

I am not a mom.

But I am a girl scout leader and I volunteer for the local middle school's boys basketball team. 

I feel like I am doing things not in order. But maybe there is no order, maybe its all a part of being an individual. 

I find myself in the position of being a role model. 

And not just for the people who see me at every girl scout meeting or outing, or those that see me at every basketball game. Maybe I unintentionally impact someone that I talk to at just one game. 

Maybe I am touching the lives of 19 girls and their families and not just the 2 that I am related to. 

Perhaps people see me as a dedicated sister, because I have only missed 1 of my brothers' basketball games- and hes not a player. 

I dont want to be the sister/aunt that they see at holidays and special occasions. I want to be the supportive aunt that they can turn to for anything, but also the adult that will step back and let them figure some things out for themselves. 

And while it seems I have that part of my life figured out... I still dont have a job. 

Really, I still dont know what I want to do with my life. 

I have an accounting degree. I am working to get my CPA license- easier said than done. 

But I miss my basketball life. Which makes me want to follow the sports management path again. 

And people have always told me I would be a good teacher, and goodness, their schedule would be an awesome one to have- it would be good for traveling.

So maybe doing something that had a "season" so to speak. I mean accounting does have a season- but you generally are an accountant for the whole year. 

I may be getting my first job break soon. My sister-in-law is trying to get some help at the middle school in the front office, and if I can get my foot in the door I could possibly work to become a substitute teacher- then I would see if teaching could be something for me. 

Here's to finding one's way... because, by golly, I think I may be headed in the right direction... just in time for basketball season!! :) 

Chapters

Today I was thinking a lot about people in my life. Ok, so mostly guys. But then instead of dwelling on certain guys I started putting them in chapters.
There's that saying that goes something like "Love is only a chapter in a guy's life, but for a girl its the whole book." This is where I got my chapter idea.
But I didnt put just guys in chapters, I started putting my whole life in chapters by categories.
The interesting but cool thing about all this chapter-ing is that the chapters overlap not just intercategory, but also intracategory.
For instance in boys there is Timmy-3rd grade through 8th, Nathan-homeschooling and 9th grade, Will-9th grade through 11th grade, etc. etc. I'm not going to elaborate further just yet.
There are school chapters.
The brother chapters- living with both brothers, living with just one, having them both moved out and married. Which leads into the nieces and nephew chapters.
Theres the chapter that includes my grandma Carnes, and the chapter of her decline, and now the chapter now that shes gone. Side note: I watched home videos today- I saw the video of my first steps and my grandma was there and she was talking, and hearing her voice made me cry. Oh man, I am going to cherish these tapes.

Here's to organizing my life by chapters, I am having fun with it so far, and it gets me off of thinking about J. Because lets face it, thats who I was thinking about when I started my chapter-ing!

Goods and bads... ups and downs.

I suck at writing when I am confused. I also suck at writing when when I am happy.
I realized that I write when I am frustrated, when I am hurt and when I have something exciting that has happened.
You dont get to see much of the everyday me.
Im guessing thats because I dont necessarily need an outlet when life is going fine.
I also have a hard time writing when I cant sort things out.
And I suppose for the past week I have had a combination of all of those.
Le sigh.
Mostly though, I just feel empty.
I'm a college graduate, I have a degree and yet I have no job.
I can't even seem to find a freakin part time job.
I am living with my parents- and while its nice and all that jazz, I am 22 years old. I shouldnt have to depend on my parents anymore.
And I have a tiny social life. I miss my TU people, because though I didnt go out often- I had the opportunity to! Now, going out is a huge ordeal and pretty much just not worth it.

SO, here is my call to the universe.
Dear Universe,
I would greatly appreciate a job, which I enjoy that will also help me towards my CPA license, a job where others appreciate my work as much as I enjoy it. It would be nice if this job also paid me decently- although a internship or volunteer position is fine-for now.Give me challenges that I can overcome and help others later in life. Yea, I think thats all I would like to ask for right now.
Thanks for the consideration,
Love Jessie

Here, let me slap you in the face...

This whole weekend has been filled with lots of moods. Mostly happy, sometimes sad, a couple of moments of grumpiness.
Friday I had dinner with an old friend, and my gosh it was so nice to catch up with her. Funny though, she too is firmly in the pro-S camp. It just makes me giggle. Sometimes I am irritated that she only really is around occasionally- but after 17 years of friendship I know the cycles and I got this. haha. Anyway, talking to her was nice, we ended up hanging out for almost 4 hours! (wow!)
On the other hand I was told that the fact that I didnt know a friend was gay because of the catastrophe of the winter. I had no clue as to what she was talking about so she elaborated "the time when I froze everyone out". Wow what a slap in the face. Thanks. I didnt freeze everyone out, I didnt freeze anyone out. I was simply trying to figure out where I stood in a time of changes. I cannot help that people felt frozen out

So I began writing this post a week ago now.
I never got my answer as to how a friends homosexuality has anything to do with my psychological state in February... but its whatever, I guess.
I thought I would publish this even if it wasnt finish... because like this post- I am unfinished.

Heart melting moment

So, if you know me at all, you know how much I want kids.
Its like I have child fever, I want kids so bad. But I tell myself that I 1. dont have the means to support kids, and 2. I want to be selfish for a little bit longer before I take the plunge into parenthood.
And while I wait for the right moment- not that there will be one, but lets imagine that there will be- I get my kid fix by spending time with my nieces and nephews. All four of them are growing into not just cute kids, but real people.
Anyway, today was my brother's birthday and we all gathered at his house for a little party- all his wifes doing, and he was obviously annoyed by it all. Then his wife had the gall to refuse a picture with him because it rained today and her hair was frizzy. Ugh. But neither of those things are the point of my story tonight.
After cake and ice cream were consumed the adults were visiting or just sitting around, the children (the 4 mentioned above and and my sister-in-laws twin sister's daughter) were playing in JB's room. Then TA- my youngest nephew walked out of the room carrying a video game leaned against the couch where I was sitting and started to play the game. He proceeded to tell me about the game. I invited him to sit in my lap and play the game, which he did. So there we were sitting on the couch, him in my lap playing this game and me following closely like it was the only thing in the world to do- which at that moment it was. That moment, having my nephew choose to sit in my lap at a big family function- that made my day.
That moment and all of the moments like it is the reason that I want kids. My niece getting excited for a Girl Scout outing because she gets to ride in my car. My older nephew not only willing to give me a hug, but jumping into my arms for a hug. And lastly, having each niece and nephew tell me that they love me.

My hope is that when those kids grow up and get mad at their parents, that I am the one they turn to.
I want to be their stable support.
And eventually, I will have my own kids, but I will be a better mother for spending time with my nieces and nephews.

Heres to kids!

Giggles

Have you ever had so many things to say, but you didnt know where to start so you just dont?
Thats how I feel tonight.
Good things and bad things, so overall this day was just an incredibly interesting day.
It started with a call to come into work- a co-workers son had been in an accident- and we knew nothing more than that.
Then we were BUSY at work.
Then mom and I saw Lion King.
My brother came to visit and brought me paint- YAY paint! Oh, and brother too.
Watched some Ellen- she made me laugh hysterically.
And watched my show, Revenge.
Then, then I got to talk to S. We talked about dancing, phone calls, jobs and relocating (he works for an accounting firm and finds it incredibly funny that hes doing what I want to do, and I cant find a stinkin job.), facebook, beatboxing and just a little bit of lots of life.
If he was asking me if I would relocate for a job with him at his firm the answer is yes! If hes asking if I am just open to looking for jobs outside of KY, the answer is also yes. I would prefer the first one though. Haha.

Anyway- I am exhausted now. Didnt nearly scratch the surface of what I wanted to say, but thats ok.
Tonight is about counting blessings, counting the things that we have experienced, not the things that we missed out on.

Love you all!

Never thought....

I never thought that M would want to talk to me ever again after the way we broke up 6, make that 7? years ago. No, I guess it was just 6.
Anyway, he texted me last night- almost exactly 2 years from the last time that I talked to him.
He wants to see me.
Ugh.
Im too nice to ignore him.
But then he tried to make plans with me, so I artfully dodged them.
And then he said something like "have a good day."

All this just after I had gotten rid of the last 6'4'' country boy in my life.
For a couple of brief weeks my life was nice and uncomplicated- as far as guys.

Although, last week was J's bday and the last time we actually talked I said "talk to you later" to which he responded with "I hope so" and then no acknowledgement when I wished him a happy birthday. Ungrateful wretch.

Back to M, though.
One of his first questions was asking if I was married. Really? He has known me for 6 years does he not know that I am not like the girls around here?
Its the little things: the little things are what attracts you to a guy and the little things will drive you up a wall, in a hurry!
All I can say for certain is: thank god he's in BG and not here... I can avoid him better this way.
Yes, even when I dont want to see people I have a hard time saying "I dont want you in my life, go away" just carefully avoid any and all ultimatums.

Man, I think I was starting to enjoy the simplicity of life without guy issues. I mean sure there's A- but hes gay (and hey that rhymed). And there's T- but he's my husband and if you read one of my recent post you know I'm not kicking him out of my life. Theres S (formerly I), but it seems that that stage might be passing a little bit- though he may always be an ideal guy- the exotic fantasy, so to speak. Wait, get your mind out of the gutter, please and thank you.

Wow, for a while there I was just me. I like that. Lets do that again, k?
Or you know, lets meet this IT guy that my friend who was just recently married wants to set me up with. Ok. I'm up for that. :)

Here's to loving the life you are living. To simplicity.

Twin

Disclaimer- This may not come out as brilliantly as I want it to, but I'm gonna give it a go anyway.

There is a person in my life. A wonderful person, my compliment, my twin. No not my accounting twin- thats another story. This twin is far more of a twin, and the absolute best friend that I have ever had.
This person came into my life when I went to college. And at first we were friends because we were in the same bigger group of people, but the group shifted and we got closer- not in a creepy way, just in a normal course of events, friend way.
Seasons changed, lives were changed, relationships tested, and yet she is the person who has stuck by my side- sometimes begrudgingly (ahem anything having to do with J) and others because I needed her to support me in some way (also ahem J, and family). We have had our fights and there was a terrible moment in my life this summer when I felt that I had completely ruined our friendship (it had something to do with J, surprise surprise). We worked through things and I think in some ways we are closer, though in literal terms we are about 80 miles further apart today than we were a year ago.
Our first serious escapade into drinking was together- and boy did it make an impression on us. (Good times)
And when she started dating her girlfriend things were weird- for a while. Neither one of us had had a boyfriend or girlfriend while we had been friends so it was hard trying to figure out what was going to stay the same and what was going to be different. Hindsight is 20/20, right? Yea, I could have dealt with that about 10,000 times better.
And yet we made it through. Sometimes we talk about all the little nothings and others we stay awake late just to talk about the things that bug us- or scare us, or make us feel bad, or good. Or what we want in life. Goals, plans, hopes, dreams.
The point of this story is that it took me 18 years to find my first "best friend" and I am so glad she is in my life- shes seen some of my best days and some of my absolute worst days, but yet is still my friend.
Plus, when we spend time together we often match-aka Twins. NO friendship can compare.
Also, she fits into my family about as well as I do! haha.
So, Calli, thanks, you are the best and I love you!

Pig Bites

One of our pigs bit me. It happened 2 days ago, but it still effing hurts... and its just strange to say "My pig bit me" its like using "my pig ate my homework" as an excuse... it sounds silly. But it happened. Really and truly happened.

But this post isnt really about pig bites. No. Something else has popped in my head at the most random and inconvenient times during the day.
Today is J's birthday. I wish him a happy 23rd birthday, though I am reminded about his last birthday.
I am obviously not immune to him, or rather thinking about him. But hey, it'll happen. One day, I'll be like "J, yea. That was... interesting. Glad thats not where I ended up. That chapter was one that perhaps needed to happen, but thank god I didn't let it go further."
That day is not today. Though hopefully it wont take 8 years, like it did with Timmy. :)

Ah, well I dont want to dwell on this too much, but I didnt want to keep it all bottled in though.
Dear self,
I acknowledge thoughts of J and understand why they are there. I do not condone any superfluous communication with him.
Dear Heart,
I know this is a weird day, but its ok. It will get better, really.
Dear Brain,
WHY CANT YOU JUST HAVE AMNESIA OF THE JAMES?!
Dear friends,
You are the best. :)

Lean on me..

When your not strong. I'll help you carry on....
Yea, ok, I'll stop there.
But this post is for my "husband", who I have been leaning on lately.

(Cue the cheesy-ness for my platonic husband- its a long story and if you dont know it, well, sucks for you! lol)
T, I am truly happy that you are in my life and such a great friend.
Just over the summer you have talked with me while I've been in good places and bad.
I have revealed to you more than you ever knew about me, mostly because you ask incredibly fascinating questions that leave me no choice but to answer them (ie. passion, obsession and infatuation).
We talk about food- yea, I dont think I have ever had a serious inquisitive discussion about the foods that I like before, or the proper type of macaroni and cheese (for me, its normal, for you its gotta be baked!)
You pretty much always respond when I text- which let me tell you right now, is SO nice. NO, really... it wonderful.
You text me goodnight 9 nights out of 10. And thats something that I talked about on this blog, so I know you read it. Well I know you read it because we talk about it other times too, but still. I appreciate it. (I appreciate ALL my readers.)
I am not sure if you actually ever sleep- because I can text you at some of the most RANDOM hours and you respond. 2 am, sure great. 8 am, no problem. Although you have texted me at 4 am... I was definitely asleep- but was amused.
I also appreciate the fact that you hug me... in a non-imposing way. I have some friends who demand that I hug them and all I want to do is run away- not so with you. lol. That sounds bad, but really its just one friend- and most of the time I DONT run away.
You ask about the things that you know are going on in my life, and you keep up with my life.
My insecurities, you help squish. And you dont make me feel ridiculous when I talk about them.
You also, uncannily know the appropriate times to be silly and when to be wholly serious.

In short, you have been and continue to be such a wonderful friend. :)
I can only hope that I am just as good of a friend to you.

Full disclosure.

I am writing this post as a parody of the way my brain thinks. 

Yes, these were my real thoughts, and yes, I realize they are long shots if that. So dont freak out, dont go assuming things and just laugh with and at me. :) 

Saturday I went to a wedding. While there the bride told me there was this boy she wanted me to meet. 

I panicked. 

On the one hand- weddings are supposed to be great places to meet people- right? So woot.

But on the other hand- I'm incredibly shy... so it would have been awkward to start with, but, then add the fact that my parents were there with me, that makes it even more awkward.

Sadly, my parents were really cold, and we left before the guy even got there. :( 

But, for those of you who actually know me... I dont plan on that being the end of the story with this person. I want to at least meet him- god knows I'm not meeting guys on my own, why not be set up by my friends? :) I've got nothing to lose. 

Being the person that I am, I took everything that I knew about him and made up a fictional story. I'm not saying it couldnt be real, but really, I havent even MET the guy yet. 

So this is what my mind came up with:

(I am going to call him E- its the last letter of  his first name)

E and I meet. Obviously we didnt meet at the wedding, so I get my friend the bride to "set us up" and we meet, well, I came up with E and I going bowling with the newly wedded couple. 

We hit it off. He's got a good job with the city where I want to live, hes an IT guy and somewhat of a country boy- sounds perfect. 

He will hit it off with my dad- cause hes IT and my mom because hes country. 

My brothers will appreciate the fact that he has a good job. 

So we start to date- let me reiterate- THIS HAS NOT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND IS SIMPLY A FABRICATION OF MY IMAGINATION. 

I get a great job, the one that I want in E-town. 

We move in together in his city- Btown. 

Get engaged, married, all that good stuff. 

And live mostly happily ever after. The mostly is because I know there will be some challenges.

Anyway, heres to great imaginations, that can make weddings fun- because face it, going to a wedding single, and as a tagalong to your parents is no fun... ok so its sometimes fun, like when you are 10.. definitely NO fun when you are 22. 

ten-one-eleven

Well, I sat down to write a brilliant blog post.

And then I completely forgot what I was going to say. 

Then this overwhelming exhaustion came over me. 

So I think I will head to bed. 

But first a random fact: I love understated, elegant jewelry. Like my ring, its simple but beautiful and takes my breath away every time that wear it. I dont like gaudy, big, costume jewelry- I generally gag. But something small that has meaning, now, that its just wonderful. 

For example: my ring is something that my mom bought me for Valentine's day the year that I turned 16. 

And the necklace that I wore today is the necklace that my moms oldest KY friend gave me as a graduation present. 

Alrighty, yawning has overtaken me. Goodnight friends!