Putting all the sweet, strong helpful country man thoughts in my head on top of the Greek weeding thoughts. And then drawing parallels between myself and Meryl Streep- Donna- in the movie... I have my Harry Bright (Andrew) and John Anderson (James- because of spontaneity) but I need my Sam Carmichael. Well, all this set me up for some very interesting dreams- or was it all one big dream? I don't know, but here goes.
And forgive me because I only remember pieces.
In the dream I was reading one of my books (they are Christian romances... much better than REAL romance novels) and I was at my lunch break from work. I was literally sitting on a bench at the corner of Ring Road and that road that the mall is on. And across the street from me was Tractor Supply- which, funny enough is where Tractor Supply really is, though the rest of the scenery didnt really fit with the E-town TSC. So back to the dream, I look up from my book and see J working and I'm filled with sadness, but something else catches my eye... gangsters. They do something bad, and I witness it and then they realize that I've witnessed it so they come over to beat me up- they want to rape me. And I remember in the midst of all this that I look over to TSC again and J is gone. I think to myself- "Figures, this guy couldnt love me so why would he save me?" But somehow I convince the gangsters that I'm not going to talk that I didnt see anything and that beating me up would only cause them more trouble and they leave me alone. I go back to work, sad. But as I leave I look back to where I had been sitting and J is having words with the gangsters. Again I think to myself "Being a hero when I've already saved myself does no good, James."
Next scene. We are IN the E-town TSC- which I've never been in in real life- and we are with the Girl Scouts and this place has all the normal TSC stuff but then it has lots of extras. And the best thing about the Tractor Supply of my dreams was that it had all kinds of loose animals walking through the store. Yep, there were horses, cows, dogs, cats, but there was also a camel- that decided that it was going to be my friend and follow me around (much to my delight), a brown bear- sleeping in a hammock, a giraffe, sheep, goats and lots of other random animals. The girls were allowed to pick out one small thing to buy so as one of the adults I was going around and helping them pick things out. I found a nice charm bracelet which had a basketball hoop, a basketball and a soccer ball, it was perfect for me, until I picked it up and it had various other things attached to it that didnt describe me. So I put it down. And started looking at other things, fully expecting the boots against the tile floor and keys to hint at someone's approach. But I happened to glance down at the floor and realized it was hardwood floor, not tile floor and so boots would sound different. It was a bittersweet realization.
Obviously I hold on to things super tight until I just let it go. I think this is the start of process of letting go- even though I havent talked to him since September.
But the last dream was the most bittersweet:
It was at TSC again... J was there and we were kind of actively avoiding each other, until a customer made him come into the aisle that I was in. After he helped the customer he grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. He said "I'm sorry I hurt you but you were right: I wasn't ready for someone like you." he then bent down to kiss me and walked away. I walked out, to a bright, wonderful day. And that was that.
As much as I was having a bad J day in early December, I am having the opposite today. That day I was just unhappy and bringing him into my pain was second nature and it worked- I was more unhappy and focused on him instead of everything else in my life.
Today, I am happy. I have a job, a paycheck and everyone at my job is amazing in their own way. I love them all, already and I've only worked 8 days. I have been invited out with the girls and I joke around with one of the guys, who I think will be a buddy. I ask for work and I am given lots of random tasks that make me feel useful. I have a happy place now, this is my happy place, this moment in my life. He isn't a part of it. No guy is, this is MY time, the time to be selfish and do whatever I want with my life. I also have a whole lot of great friends, each of them is there when I need them and I miss them dearly. I need a reunion.(hmm...) Everything has its time: this is my time to learn, to grow and to love each day. No need to be sad, unhappy and needy. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment