They say time heals all wounds.

And so my J wound is healing.

Its not perfect, because life isnt perfect, there are some ragged edges still left to smooth over, but for the most part the tear in my heart from that J person is slowly healing. 

Like any wound to the flesh, Ive had to cut off the dead parts and let the good parts come together and heal. Plain and simple: heal. 

If you arent someone who prescribes to that form of imagery let me explain. 

Its like our relationship was a tv series that was finished at the climax which lead to a cliffhanger. The big kiss and then: will they or wont they. But thats when the show was ripped off the air. There was no resolution, some half promises from network executives and some big blow up in the tabloids but really the poor tv show was done.
I was listening to some Lady Antebellum tonight, which kind of always prompts thoughts of J. And when I was thinking of him, I realized that the force of memories isnt so painful. That while the really great memories are somewhat lost in the cloud that is J, they are there and they will emerge as I need them.

On the other hand.. I love my life situation as it is now... for the most part. I love being able to see my family whenever, I love my job, and the people that I work with, my life, its just starting. I am lucky, so lucky to be where I am today, and I am grateful for all the gifts throughout my life. Having said all this, my biggest hope now is to 1. stay at the firm where I work now and 2. own my own house by my 25th birthday- I've got just more than 2 years.

One last piece of business... for those of you who might read this on a regular basis, this is your only warning that I will likely be going off the social networking grid for a few weeks, who knows I might get a wild hair and limit more than just my social networking. It didnt seem fair to not warn anyone, so this, this is your warning, and if you dont see it, not my problem. Love you all! 

Life and Death

My Uncle passed away in the wee hours of the morning yesterday morning. He was just 65 years old, had literally just had cataract surgery done and was so excited that he could finally see the tv without having to wear glasses for the first time since he was 15. And while the actual death was sudden, it wasnt totally a shock. But regardless, its death, and its somewhat harrowing- no matter how many times you've had to deal with it.
Yesterday was hard for me. I got the news about his passing at 2:30 am. At 6:30 I was up and by 8 I was at work. I had my crap pulled together but I was literally shaking, and I was only going through the motions of work. By 8:30 someone asked me if I was ok- which was my undoing- because I wasnt ok, and I am not exactly the best emotional actress. I lost it, and anyone who saw me, saw that I had lost it... I spent the entire day working to keep from crying. And then when I got home, I just cried... let out as much as I could. That helped... obviously what I needed was just to let go, let myself cry, and be done with it all.

I dont think I ever really gave myself permission to mourn for my grandma when she passed 4 and a half years ago.And considering this was her son, I think I took it extra hard. When grandma died I was still transitioning from home to Transy and I had all these new people that I didnt REALLY know, and who didnt REALLY know me. What was I supposed to do, sit there and cry in the cafeteria? No thanks. I remember telling these new people and then just going up to my room and not even really crying, but sitting there like a lost puppy. What was I supposed to do, who was I supposed to tell?

As the week has progressed (as I write this part of the post its Thursday evening- and I started the post on Wednesday) I have noticed my demeanor and attitude and my environment. Tuesday I was a wreck, I pulled it together most of the day while I was at work, but really, I was a wreck. Wednesday I had compartmentalized it and went to work to do my job and be with those people and everything went well- I even cracked a joke about his death I told someone he just keeled over. After work, my brother and his family came over and the girls wanted to play the game of Life, so thats what we did. It was entertaining and soothing to just be with family. After the game was over we sat around and told stories, and it was an easy, nice banter. Today, Thursday I had my 4th CPA exam. So I got up, went and took it, then took my car to get an oil change and the tires rotated and balanced and then spent the rest of the day at home- kind of doing nothing, well except taxes. I did my taxes today! Tomorrow is the visitation and funeral and then people are coming to our house afterwards. And while I appreciate the gathering of family and maybe some close friends, really, I want nothing more than to come home and be alone.

Being alone, that brings up whole other issues in life, because to me, being alone is both comforting and terrifying. I like not having to answer to anyone, not having to entertain anyone, just being responsible for me. But when something like this happens, I want someone to be the shoulder for me to cry one. The strong presence in my life, someone to make sure I dont fall onto my knees in a big, muddy puddle. And I dont have that, the only person that keeps me upright is me. My brother said that the after funeral gathering is just family hanging out, but what he doesnt know is that being with family for me, is so lonesome. When family is around I am surrounded by people who love each other (and me) and who are paired off. And yes, I know they love me and support me but they have their own individual units that they have to take care of- I dont fit into any one of those units, not really, not anymore. I would rather be by myself tomorrow after the funeral than be alone in a house full of people. I know, thats selfish- and thats also why I said nothing about the proposal, but I may have to run away at some point.

And then, not related to death at all, not really... is my job. I love my job. I love the location, the size, the work, but most of all I love the people. They are my current biggest support system. I feel them holding me up, helping me stay on my feet, and that, thats the best gift that anyone could give me right now. Well, support or flowers because for some reason I really want flowers- even though I know they are a longshot- a girl can dream, right?!

In closing: I hope you all take an extra minute or two to be thankful for your blessings, I hope you can acknowledge the things that trouble you- whatever they may be, and I hope that you keep your strength through all of life's curve balls.

One last thing: hug someone. You can get all the air hugs and virtual hugs in the world, but they dont compare to the real thing- to having the support, even if its momentary from someone else.

Goodnight everyone.

Less than stellar

In many of my  "remembering when" times dealing with that J person I remember the good things and overlook the bad things- shame one me.
Tonight, I remember both, but more the bad things. Yea, yea, I can hear the cheers now from those who may be reading this. That and the exclamations of "FINALLY".
So here goes. While I still remember the good times and would love to live every moment of my romantic life the way that I lived those moments, there were times, and they happened more frequently than not when I was frustrated with J. Seriously. I didnt know what to do, say or think because of the things that he said or the way that he said those things. Life was just so confusing when we werent face to face, and I didnt deserve that.
As per my usual with this J person, a Lady Antebellum song can sum it up pretty well
"Not knowing in that moment we'd never speak again but it was perfect; I never will forget when we owned the night."
So its not completely true to my story, but thats because it isnt my story. But substitute speak for see each other and its perfect. Though technically I suppose the argument could be made that I might see him again some day.
You know, the only thing that we ever got right was the face to face meetings, talkings, and interactions. The rest of it, which was in fact about 90 percent of our relationship, or lack thereof, was via texting or the occasional phone call.
He told me that I calmed him down. He told me that I didnt know the effect that I had on him. But he could never tell me how I calmed him down or what the effect that I had on him was. All I got out of him was half truths, lots of ifs, ands and buts, and no real substance. You would think that if someone meant that much to them you would fight more to keep them in your life. And I could be totally reaching the wrong conclusion here, BUT, in many aspects I got the impression that he didnt feel like he was good enough for me. I have two "answers" for that: 1. Isn't it MY decision who I am too good for and who I'm not? Have you not seen my parents. My mom graduated from an ivy league college and my dad didnt even finish college. and 2. Seems to me that when you are friends with someone who you feel is too good for you, you do everything in your power to keep that friendship alive, because maybe just maybe they need someone like you in their life.  Its not to give them an ego boost, but to give yourself one, because if they continue to be your friend that means that you may be better than you think you are.
Back to the original subject:
When you have a sucky non-person-to-person relationship that face-to-face time is going to take a beating and perhaps get overshadowed by the other crap. And while that wasnt exactly the case for me- because no matter what the idiot did I wanted to see him just one more time.
I think I can count the number of times that I saw him on my fingers and some toes (party March 20, movie Fast And Furious, TSC taking K, my birthday 4/22-23, end of school 5-19/20, wedding 6-6, April trip to TSC, week before birthday 9-30, birthday 10-7, TSC Nich.- 3-4 times 1 for event, 1 with nieces, and maybe 1-2 more, and then May 26th- The Kiss) Thats it, that is every time that I have seen the guy, and yet I spent 2 YEARS wanting him in my life more, wanting him to want me, wanting a real relationship with him. In those 2 years I saw him through work issues, a bad girlfriend, the birth of Nephews, a car wreck and various other things.
And in an effort to be fair, he saw me through a few things too, mostly, my insecurities.
This is the moment where I am sad that the friendship we had through March-June 2009 is gone. Because during that time, he was a great friend to me. Things then heated up so to speak and we- yes we- didnt handle them well... unless we were in the same place at the same time, which almost never happened.
Am I glad that "we owned the night"? Yes.  Would I change the experiences and the way that they have helped to change me? No. Do I want to start that process all over again, talk to him? No. But do I wish that we had a friendship that stood the tale of time? Yes.
I dont know where my life will take me from here, and thats ok, I dont need to know.
What I do know is that the mistakes that I made, the insecurities that I had, they were building blocks for the lessons that I learned.
And in the end, it doesnt even matter.
In the end, this moment, I am happier than I have ever been in life, and it has nothing to do with a boy or man.
In this moment,  I am happy because I am on the right track to live my dream. A dream that developed as I did. And will continue to develop, I am sure.
Now, to convince some person to send flowers to me.... haha, perhaps that a challenge for a different day.
Goodnight world- remember your blessings.

New Year, new me? *updated*

It was unintentional. I didnt make a resolution. And its not like I flipped a switch and BAM it was different. But I have realized over the last couple of weeks that there have been a lot of changes in my life. And suddenly May isn't as magical in my mind as I made it out to be for the last 7 or so months. No, this is MY time.
Here are some of the changes that I have done:
-changed my name (on fb)
-changed my hair
-changed my job
-drove to Lex in the dark, by myself, for the first time, ever
-changed my mindset
-changed my life.
Unfortunately I have no control over my heart, but thats ok, I dont think much more change would go over well.
Let me explain.

Professionally I decided to go by my full given name. And then I decided that I might want to be "friends" with my co-workers but "ie" was less professional than "ica" so I made it fb official. The funny thing is that I went back to Transy the other night for a basketball game, and people called me "ie" and I was like, "what? who are you talking about?" I find it super amusing. On the other hand introducing myself as "ica" rather than "ie" is SUPER strange. Funny huh? (I thought so).

In October I went from brunette to redhead, it was amazing. I felt different as a redhead, bold, dangerous. But then I got a job, and my roots were starting to show, so I went back to brunette but it didnt totally cover the red, and so now I just feel secretly dangerous. I love it. And I told myself that I can be a seasonal redhead/brunette. Tax season= brunette (more professional)  and summer/fall= redhead (fun-loving!) haha.

I graduated in May, I had the degree. That college degree that everyone says you need to land a job, and I had no job. No bites even, until September. Then 3 interviews. Then nothing. Til December. Then 2 job offers in 2 days and THEN the ok to be a substitute teacher. Talk about living in the fast lane. I always said I didnt have to accept the first offer, and that was true. I didnt have to accept it, but the first offer came from the firm that I wanted to work at. The one that I had decided in September was the place for me. I've been there 3 weeks now, and I love it. I love the people and I love the work. Hopefully tax season will be a positive experience.

I have been asked back to Transy to serve as the official bookkeeper for a game and so I went to a game to  make sure I knew all the things that I would need to know. One coach greeted me with a hug, another, with a great hand shake and surprise on his face. They won, which puts them 11-1. And it was wonderful, but the price that I paid for such happiness was dealing with the drive home, in the dark, by myself; something I had never done before. There was nothing special about the drive, other than it was something that I actively avoided while I was at Transy.

As for my mindset and my life... its every little change that makes a bigger difference. I feel that, deep in my bones and therefore I believe it.

But then, comes my heart. My feelings ebb and flow, they dismiss *that person* and then they pine away for him like nothing good will ever happen to me. Its just life, it will get better, I am and will be happy. I know this, but do you know how I know this? Because of that stretch from May-December. Life sucked then. Life, in general, rocks now. And while I could drop dead tomorrow, I dont think my story is done. There's still a lot of tread left on my tires even if sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride! :)
Enjoy, loves.

*Update*
What I forgot to mention the other day was my room! I painted not one but two new colors... and I started the process in September, I think... but I finished painting the last wall Jan 8... you know 3 months later! :)
Anyway, my point is that I've made a lot of interesting changes in my life and though they weren't necessarily planned as momentous changes, they kind of turned out that way, and I'm not complaining, not one bit.
Life is good.