I went to a Tractor Supply today. I do this actually once a month or every 2 months, so it shouldnt be a big deal. Besides J hasnt worked at Tractor Supply for over a year now, and I havent seen J in a year and a half or more. Regardless, every single time I walk into a Tractor Supply, no matter which one it is, I expect him to come up behind me and grab me. Every single time, my blood pressure goes up. Add the sound of boots on the floor and I want to hid. Add the sound of keys AND boots and I'm tense as a board. Its like Im transported to a time where things were good between us.
And yet hes not a part of my life anymore nor do I want him to be.
Its funny, in college, I was willing to change my life plans based on how the people I was growing close to were going to live their lives. J wanted to go work for Tractor Supply corporate and so I was gonna find a way to go to grad school in Nashville. Bout thats not who I am anymore. I found the selfish part of me and want to chase MY dreams, not be a sideline to someone else's dreams, nor do I necessarily want someone to be a sideline to my dreams. This is not the time for me to find someone to spend my life with. This is the time for me to live my life for me. To be scared and yet chase my dreams with everything that I have. Let go of whatever's coming and take a 2 and a half week trip with a good friend, even if that means missing the birth of my nephew. My life is changing and its something that I want to soak up. I may not see the differences day by day or week by week, but I know they are coming, I feel them, and Im selfish enough not to want to share that with someone else. This is MY dream, I am paying the price and so I should get to reap the benefits. :)
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