Body image

Lets take a moment here and talk about body image. I know it's not exactly an easy subject, so I'll talk about mine.

I'm not a woman that is petite or skinny. Nor am I someone who overly large. I mean technically my BMI classifies me as being overweight, but it's just a number. So is my weight- it's just a number, quantifying my personal gravity.
Around this time last year I was successfully losing weight, it made me happy. I got to the point where I was halfway to my goal, and I just wanted another 15 pounds gone. And the weight loss stopped.
There's a magic number that I've hovered around since, any reading above that number and I'm sad. Readings below that number and I am super happy and I eat something extra.
I gave up sodas for 40 days or so. But then I decided I really liked them and this was my body and if I wanted a soda I should be able to have a soda. I promptly fell off the bandwagon and there were days when I would have 5 or 6 servings of soda. Damn. Soda is good, but not THAT good. I should enjoy it in moderation.
Ah, moderation. That's the word that we are always given, right? Moderation of alcohol, of sweets, of anything we really like, because its probably bad for us.
Moderation is good. Going off the deep end can be good too- you just gotta believe in yourself to be able to swim to get back into the shallow end.
But I digress, this is about body image, not my feelings about food or the magic number.
My body image varies daily. One day I think I look absolutely fantastic and the next I look totally awful. I didn't continue to push myself to lose the additional 15 pounds to my goal weight because I generally feel good about where I am. Yes, I have this little pooch of fat. Yes, I have love handles, but ok. IT IS OK. This body is mine and so far, it hasn't let me down in anything I've wanted to do.
Also, I wear the same sized clothes now that I did in high school. I started high school approximately 10 years ago. I am approximately 10 pounds heavier than I was in high school. And last year I was more fit than I had been in high school.
And my whole point about this post is that my body image is fluid. As is most of my body, it changes, it adapts and it is mine. Don't punish your body for having a little more fluff than you want.
What I am saying, is find a happy spot with your body. A place where you like yourself, generally. You don't have to love yourself every day, just a piece of yourself. Love your mind today if your body is god awful. Love your heart. Your personality. We are not just our body, we are a whole package.
On the other hand, if you wake up some day and find yourself heavier than you've ever been and you are unhappy and generally don't like where your habits are, change them. It doesn't have to be a big change, sometimes a small change makes all the difference in the world.
But most of all, do not be overly harsh on yourself. You are a work in progress. Your body is a work in progress, your mind, your fitness, your education. We are not ever stagnant beings. We move, we breathe, we eat and we find ways to deal.
Last night, I looked at myself in the mirror, really looked at my whole being. I didn't hate it. I didn't LOVE it, but I was happy with it. I am not perfect, last week, I was more than 1-2 pounds over my "magic" number and I was miserable. So, I ate healthier, I exercised more and I got back down to my "respectable" weight. Like I said, its a fluid thing. Its not perfect. But my body does every single thing that I demand of it, and for that I am grateful and I will take it out, proudly. That's not saying I'll be wearing a bikini anytime soon. But I will love at least a piece of myself every single day. 

Apparent Propane Catastrophe in our house....

Its not really a catastrophe- not at all, in fact. Its just that sometimes I think my father is a bigger princess than the rest of us.
So, about 6pm Dad checks the thermostat. The temp is 66 degrees and things are set to keep the house at 70. Dad says "I bet we are out of propane." He goes outside, and indeed our tank says 0. None. Nada.
His reaction is to get worried and kind of mad and to call all the numbers to see what we can do. Not necessarily a bad thing, except its 6pm on Superbowl Sunday and there is a propane shortage in the midwest.
Mom and I point this out. We say "there is a shortage, we may not be able to get propane and if we can it may be more than $5 a gallon, is it really worth it?"
I should also mention that when the propane people came and filled the tank this fall they noticed a leak and apparently they were supposed to send someone out to check it. No one ever came. Dad- manager of the house since hes been retired- never followed up with them, so who knows how much money leaked out of that tank. I dont think we've ever run out of propane before and Saturday I was almost blown away by the smell of propane just outside the front door. (Today he tells the propane people that the wife has noticed the smell for a couple of weeks but never said anything. Um. Excuse me, you knew there was a leak when they FILLED THE TANK.)
So we have no propane. Dang. Not cool. But you know what we DO have? Electricity. Water. Food. Animals (they can help keep us warm) and wait for it. A buck stove. A wood burning device that can be used to heat the house- damn, what a concept.
So while dad is running around mildly panicked about not having propane and being absolutely totally sure that they will come out to FILL the tank Monday when he calls mom builds a fire. And since its starting to precipitate outside and our wood isnt covered... I bring in several loads of wood so that we have dry fuel to feed the fire.
I know that being without propane could be a bad thing. But I just wasnt seeing it last night. Really. I mean, come ON. We have the means by which to keep the house relatively warm.
Mom and I were ready to tackle the rest of the winter propane-less. But dad isnt having it.
Today, first thing out of his shower he calls the propane people and asks for propane. They will deliver tomorrow, Tuesday and its not $5 a gallon, not even $4 a gallon- so thats nice. But here's what I find pretty funny: they arent going to send someone out to check the line for a leak until Friday. Ok. Wait a second. Lets fill up a tank with a known leak on Tuesday and not check the leak to see how big it is until Friday.
Does anyone else see how this could be a MAJOR waste of funds AND resources?
While theres a major propane shortage in parts of the country, lets fill up a leaky tank, SO WE CAN LEAK PROPANE OUT BECAUSE WHAT THE HECK? really? REALLY?
Also, whos responsible for the line? The gas company says they wont know that until they check it. My dad is retired, my mom is the sole source of income in this household and lets fill up a tank (for the second time this year) so that it can LEAK while we wait for someone to check the line and oh-by-the-way we might be responsible for fixing the line.
I think, at the end of the day, my rant is not about the propane as much as about money. I know I am not perfect, and yes, I am probably somewhat of a financial burden on my parents, but you know what I did about that? I went and found a job- a steady, part-time job. And I am working to be very aware of the money I spend and how I spend it.
I know that it might be distorted, but since dad's retirement, I see him spending money like its going out of style but the heart of the matter is that for about 7 months my mother was the ONLY one making ANY money in the house. And since I was aware of this, I worked hard to cut down on my spending rather than keep spending money as much as I was. I am thankful that my family has the means that it does, and I hope that I can be careful about MY money so that I can function in the world, on my own, when it comes to that.