Waxing and waning

Its funny, and annoying at how fast feelings can wax and wane.
I hate it, honestly. Why? Why do they come and go like this?
Or maybe its a coping mechanism?

A month ago, ONE MONTH AGO, I was running on a high from having dinner several nights in a row with O. I was sure it was the start of something. There were declarations of feelings. Comments that feelings are deeper than they were. FINALLY, we were getting somewhere. But in true O fashion, a disappearing act followed. Lets have this discussion about feelings and disappear. I honestly don't think he knows that he does this. But I run out of energy trying to make conversations happen. I don't want to force it.
Love, I will talk to you every day. I will. But I cannot be the only one trying here.
Its exhausting trying to understand why you are holding back. I asked you outright to either give it a good try or let it go, but you have to tell me. Use your fucking words! And you didn't and you've barely talked to me since, so like, I guess you don't want to try. I don't know why? I can, of course, make up LOTS of reasons why. Reasons that are about you, reasons that are about me, but they are ME coming up with reasons and you NOT explaining reasons.

I'm sure something will happen at some point, and I'll be ready to embrace O again. I feel conflicted about it. On the one hand, the asshole, whether he knows it or not, has created this push and pull this love and hate, the wax and wane of my feelings for, geez, for 15 years. Ok, not exactly really that long, its been more like 12. But on the other hand, can you imagine the story we could tell if we ended up together?! I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I love thinking of that story. A story that started before our mothers even hit puberty!

I think my only hope now is to hope that someone else comes along and helps me move on. Someone who shows me how much they want and love me. I say I hope for someone else to come along, not because I necessarily NEED someone in my life, but because I clearly cannot be trusted to not run back to you on my own. And I won't block you or cut you out of my life because that's not me. I do care about you, you are important to me, and I will be there for you if you need me.