So this is no poem. This is no bad news, nor is it any good news. This is me thinking about the hard facts of my life, trying to understand some of the things that i do whether they are important facts or not, it doesnt matter. Ive been going though some things lately and im just trying to wrap my head around these facts. So i suppose i will do this in a list.
Boys- at the beginning of this summer i found myself being liked by two guys. Since being liked by one guy is incredibly rare for me, two was almost imaginable and so i told myself that would make no commitments, meaning i wouldnt date anyone over the summer. Ok at this point i will talk about the specific guys. There was M, my ex-boyfriend. And A, a guy that i met at prom. M and i went fishing a couple of times and we texted pretty much nonstop. That was nice but i realized, for the second time that i didnt really like him. I liked that he was a nice guy but i really couldnt see myself dating him. Then there was A, well we met at prom and then talked some on the internet. He went on a mission trip and i went to Arizona. We got back on the same day and his church had a welcome back party and i was invited. So we got to hang out then and then other times. Which was nice and i really like A but for some reason im keeping him at an arms distance. I know there are many reasons for this distance that im putting, one is that we are going to college and arent going to be around each other at all. I feel that the distance really has nothing to do with A but at the same time everything to do with him. After all its this amazing guy that im holding at an arms distance for no good reason. So thats the basics of one problem. Oh, wait, theres more to this problem. Ok so now that we've gotten the M and A people taken care of theres is this other person, he his I. I and i have only known each other for about 3 years, we met because our mothers were friends when they were growing up. Ok so i just saw I for the first time in 3 years. This kind and myself became fast friends 3 years ago and have been in touch even though he is living abroad. But friendship is all that was there. This trip, we didnt get to spend a great deal of time together but we were there. Again things werent like lovey dovey or anything like that. Far from it infact. But since ive gotten home there have been these bugs in my head. Not bugs like "i cant live my life without this guy" but rather those saying "i could definately live my life with this guy." Im not by any means understanding all of these thoughts or lack there of but this is just what im feeling.
Then theres the im going off to college problem. My mom and i have always gotten along great, but recently we have been getting into a great deal of arguments. They arent any fun, but the saddest thing is that these fights are pushing us away and at a really bad time. I need her and i want to be around her and hang out with her before i go off to college. But unfortunately this is becomming harder and harder because anytime that we are around each other for an extended period of time we fight. This fighting is breaking me apart. My dad and my brother feel as if its because she is worried and scared for me. But whatever it is she needs to see that i am going to be ok without her but i want to hang out with her. This fighting though is just making me to desperately want to get away from this house. I want to be at college but then again im scared. See, im having lots of problems! Starting today however, my father seems to have taken up the agnst that my mother has been giving me. Or maybe its just me and everyone else is just annoying me and i need to go to transy. Who knows.
Ok i think im going to stop there because as i have written this tears have come to my eyes several times. Not a good thing.
Oh wait. I almost forgot, this past Tuesday my father had another one of his heart issues. Its scary for him but also for me and the rest of us. But on the drive home i was just so annoyed with him because he kept saying that hes basically the perfect patient. When in reality hes not. I love my father but even though he claims that he doesnt smoke, he does, he smokes cigars, and granted its not all the time but it is when he is in a car. This really upsets me. And he says that he exercises 4-5 times a week. Yes he goes on walks, but its not rigorous activity. Im not going to go any further.
By the way, though i understand if some people read this they will be hurt and for that im sorry but this is what im feeling at the minute. Well these things and im hurt, scared, and totally confused.
