One is one too many, one more is never enough.

From "You and Tequila" by Kenny Chesney with Grace Potter

The boy reads the blog. And just when I thought that nothing would surprise me. I am impressed, flabbergasted, and yet somehow, not surprised at all.

I dont know whether to feel completely embarrassed, because I never in 1000 years thought he would read this, and thus probably 90 percent of my posts have been about him. Or elated because he does read what I have to say. Regardless, I hope that I dont change my brutally honest glimpse into my world see what I am feeling take on this blog.

I am like a yo-yo, and this is my outlet. So time to smile, face the facts, and go with your gut. Its not a life or death situation, the only things involved are my heart, and maybe something of yours.... I dont know. I may be an optimist, but I am not THAT optimistic! :)

I am a work in process- or as an accountant would say WIP- and I am not perfect. But you know, neither is life, its messy and none of us get out alive.

This one is for you love, take your time, figure things out, but let me do what I do best, and that is yo-yo.

What the hell am I doing?

I feel like I am in a holding pattern.
I have graduated from college and have my whole life in front of me, exciting, right?
Sure, but also scary as hell. What am I going to do with the rest of my life, and forget that, what am I going to do with my summer, and forget that, what am I going to do about a job?!

We're like fire and gasoline.

Its from Tomorrow, by Chris Young.

It was 2 years 3 months and 4 days, but I think I've finally given up.

Does it mean that I dont long for you to change my mind? Nope, I wish that you would show up sweep me off my feet and the two of us could run off together for a bit. But the rational side of me knows it wont happen.

Also, I have learned that shutting you out does nothing. If you decide to kick me out of your life, thats fine, but I will still be around. I will still answer your texts, I will still be your friend, and yes my heart will probably jump any time that I see your name on a phone or on facebook or whatever, but I will be there if you need me. However, the moment you start flirting I have the right to start ignoring what you say.

Also, you may feel this is coming way out of left field. But we kissed, 4 weeks ago... and then little flirtatious things, but you never followed through. And that means that my brain had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking. Probably overthinking but you never tried to stop it... so here we go... well really, there you go.

My explanation is that though I would love to spend time with you, see where it leads, it seems you do not feel that way. I wish you the best, J, really. :)

One of the things that I have been seriously thinking about lately is that when someone wants you in their life, they dont make excuses, they find a way to see you, you are important enough that they would do as much as they could for you. Well buddy, you always find excuses. I have always clung to you, but maybe, just maybe its time to find something else to cling to...

Give and take, push and pull, right and wrong

I know no one likes him, except for me.
I know that everyone thinks hes using me.
I know that hes probably not the person that I will marry.
I know these things... and yet I am on a seesaw... push and pull.
I am ready to ride this thing out, once and for all.

Yet, it seems the ride isnt quite over. But things have changed. I dont want a real relationship with him anymore. I deserve better than what he has to offer, really. Do I have feelings for him still? Yea, of course I do, I've felt very strongly about him for roughly 2 years. Will I write him out of my life? Nope. Does knowing that I dont want a real relationship mean that I wont accept opportunities? Nope.

The only thing this means is that I know now that sometimes one has to be selfish- especially when you are talking about a significant other. Having fun with this guy? Yea, no problem. Settling down with him? Hell no!

So far hes the only fish in the sea biting. But its time to reel the line back in, resecure the bait and cast out my line again.

I want to find someone who will want me every day, someone who can go a day without talking to me but would rather not. As Blake Shelton sings it, I want to be the Honeysuckle to some guy's honey bee. (The song is Honey Bee if you wanna listen to it.)

Its not fun anymore

That was my promise to myself, that this relationship got to happen as long as I was having fun.
I started to expect things, you know, I expected us to get closer.

Things changed, and I dont know if they were good or bad, they were different than the things that have happened before. I mean that is the whole point, right? The balance was off though, and I find balance to be important. He was definitely not putting as much into this as I was. And so it became time to back off.

And then I got insecure. "But we keep coming back to one another", uh huh, yep, and?...
That took some time to get through, I had one friend say basically: "yea, it happens, maybe theres something in the cosmos" another one said "maybe its your neediness and he has a lasso that keeps you tied together" and yet another friend said "that happened to me, and I get it, you just have to let it play out"...

This is me letting it play out. If I was him having to deal with me, I am not sure that if I DIDNT have feelings for the clingy person that I become, I would stick around. In other words, I realize that I get a little crazy, I overthink things, and he always talks me through it... so I am thinking WHY put up with me if you dont have any feelings for me. Seriously, is it just an ego thing, as some people think? I couldnt imagine, couldnt imagine putting up with someone like that just to boost an ego.

Then, the other thing that is swimming in my head is that there is a saying that you are supposed to let someone go, so that you know if they were yours or not... but I have decided that that doesnt really work... at all. Because, what if both parties decide individually to let the other one go, to back off and wait for them to make the first move. If both parties of a relationship desperately liked another, but somehow had it in their mind that the other didnt like them and they let each other go... talk about opportunities wasted. Im not saying thats whats happening here, in the case of me and J, but its just a curious thing.

There's another idea out in the world: basically, the idea that if you want to be with someone, you will make it happen, no excuses, no weather, no nothing could keep you apart. This is a new motto, so to speak, rather an old motto that I am readopting! If he wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen, I have given every opportunity, I have hit on him and alas, nothing. lol.

Since this time has been different, why not keep it different! I wont demand that we not have any contact (even though when I did that, I wanted nothing more than for him to contact me). I wont ignore him- I never have. But its time for me to step back, he can and will contact me if or when he wants.

I will end with some quotes that have struck a chord with me, whether it amuses me or simply makes me thoughtful...

"Sometimes the best way to get someones attention is to stop giving them yours"
"Flirtationship; more than a friendship less than a relationship"
"Don't back down just to keep the peace. Standing up for your beliefs builds self-confidence and self-esteem"


I may working to move on with whatever is next, but that doesnt mean that I have forgotten how it felt to be in his arms that night. Yea, thats a feeling I am not likely to forget anytime soon. Also, a feeling that I dont WANT to forget, because those moments, that night, it was all perfect. And hopefully I get other moments of perfection... :)

Barn Muckin

My first week home and I've found myself completely immersed in the country life, and loving it.
For years my mom wanted me to go outside and do outside things, and finally thats exactly what I want to do. I dont know what changed, but I am so thankful for the horses, the barn the muck and the country air, not to mention the wonderful night sky and beautiful sunsets, like the one that I'm looking at now.
Lately, I've been longing to be in the barn... not to be with the animals per say but thats a plus too. No, I've felt the longing of cleaning the barn, muckin out the stalls, gettin dirty... you know doing the thing that was used as a punishment for me growing up (or at least the threat of a punishment).
I cant tell you why I find myself down there getting dirty cleaning the stalls, but I'm finding it healing in some ways- though I cant tell you what I am healing from.
Its peaceful. I find that often in my life I just carried on without really doing much, and maybe thats just it, I am trying to be proactive. The stalls wont clean themselves, no, its not necessarily fun to be sweating like a pig in the middle of a KY summer day mucking out the barn, but the satisfaction that I am getting doing this, oh my goodness, its good for the soul.
Also, I've watched my dad face his ailments this week and it saddens me that he get sick and almost cant function, its not good, and I dont know if there is a way for it to change, but I know that I can do many things to keep from being debilitated by ailments. Part of it is attitude.
When dad had his heartattack he was told that he couldnt ever ride roller coasters and one of my favorite memories pre-heart attack was the joy that he got from riding roller coasters with my brother while we were in Florida. My other brother and I were scared of roller coasters and so we just watched them. So, when dad had his heart attack I realized that I would never see that particular joy from him. That I had lost my chance to share that joy with him, but it didnt mean that I had to loose that joy all together. I told myself that from then on out, I was going to ride roller coasters, that I would face that fear, because it was something that my dad could no longer do.
I think the barn muckin is along the same lines. I have legs, youth and just overall a body that works. Why wouldnt I use that body for the good of the family? Why have I wasted my body my whole life? Now, I know that is a little overkill that I havent exactly wasted my body for my whole life, but I understand now, sometimes doing something because you can is wonderful.
I think another aspect to the whole barn cleaning is that its physical, manual labor. I have decided, loosely decided, that people should spend at least 1 summer doing physical manual labor. Funny thing though is that I am too worried about what the outcome would be if I said this out loud... So I am creating my own physical manual outdoor labor. Taking it one day at a time, but I hope that by doing this my body firms up and that my soul grows.
I have realized that I have chosen a career that is NOT manual labor intensive, and suddenly that scares me. I dont want to be stuck at a desk for the rest of my life.

I guess the bottom line is that I have decided that mucking out stalls is in some ways my summer project, and so far, I think its therapeutic. Its getting me outside, doing actual labor and I am getting to spend time with the animals. Who knew that I was such a country girl after all? Or that it would take going to college in the city to bring out the country heart.

Changes

I decided to go back and see if things were really different between October and now. I guess I wanted to make sure that I wasnt kidding myself, I wanted to reassure myself. And things are, maybe not things exactly, but me, I am different, and that is easy to see between the posts of then and now.

I'm not saying that I am completely different, but I think that I am more comfortable in my own skin now. In October I wanted nothing more than to be his woman, for him to be my man, for us to be together and to define every little piece of our relationship. I wanted to talk through things before they happened, I didnt want to lose control, but most importantly I didnt want to give up myself to someone who may or may not care about me. As for now, I think I am slightly more laid back. I think I come off as crazy a lot of the time and he takes it, he listens, he makes fun of me, but hes a steady presence. Silly, right, because I complained about that before.

Haha, hes like a brick wall, and always has been. A steady, strong person, who when I run at him with all the force in the world he just absorbs the shock, doesnt say anything. Which, back in October, I thought was him running away... now I am not pardoning him completely, he COULD have talked to me, we COULD have worked things out, but it wasnt the right time then. I needed to learn some things first, like when I run at a brick wall like that, I am going to fall on my face, but when I walk up to the wall, explain where I am coming from, it will hold me up. It doesnt have all the answers and neither do I, but maybe we can find answers together.

The other night, I was obsessing about the kiss, I couldnt call my best friend, so I texted him. He listened to me, and he gave me feedback- not the things that I necessarily wanted to hear, but enough for me to get through the block on my own, for a little bit longer anyway.

This time around I feel like I'm looking more at the short term, a kiss doesnt lead to marriage. lol. A kiss is just a kiss. We like it, we move on. I've moved home, I dont know if or when I will see him again, I would like to, but if I dont I dont. I feel my innocence as a weight to bear, baggage, heavy baggage, why would anyone want to deal with someone as pure as me- silly right? But I live with it, I deal with it and with any luck I will find someone eventually who will love me as I am.

Everyone still tells me that hes not the one for me, his actions dont prove his worth. I buy that, I understand and respect that, but- and I may be like 6 years late- but I want my fling! lol. Let me throw caution to the wind, let me be dumb, stupid and put my heart on my sleeve. Let me experience something new, because we all know that the old thing was not working so well for me. What if, what if this new outlook on live life and etc will lead to something more... and who knows I might find my knight in shining armor- or at least one in tin foil, hopefully! :)