A new Lady Antebellum song that I heard for the first, and tenth time today! It kind of not quite but almost perfectly describes my feelings about Thursday, if you are interested.
Don't worry I am not exactly sure about the "one I've been waiting my life for" or however they say it...
(Though the way I said it worked really well with my post, heehee)
I will keep this post a short one.
Goodnight friends.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Silly me, it was just a kiss... right?
Yea, I went in thinking it was my last chance, that you wouldnt come and even that if you did come, it was the last time we would likely see one another.
But you did come, and we hung out...
And now, I dont know how to proceed. I suck at this, the last time I kissed someone, he said "See ya Monday" and got out of the car, and then, well, that was kind of it for our relationship.
Maybe its because you didnt say "See ya Monday"...
Maybe its because it felt right.
But now I mourn that that may have been the last time.
Ack. I keep going in circles in my head. I tried to talk to him about it, but I dont know if I am more confused or not.
I know who I want to talk to, who will give me the best advice, but she, well she doesnt want to talk to me about him. She doesnt like him. And I hurt her feelings by being with him.
How can the best night of my life also be one of the worst nights?
Sigh. Its time to believe in myself, and be strong for myself... so here goes nothing!
But you did come, and we hung out...
And now, I dont know how to proceed. I suck at this, the last time I kissed someone, he said "See ya Monday" and got out of the car, and then, well, that was kind of it for our relationship.
Maybe its because you didnt say "See ya Monday"...
Maybe its because it felt right.
But now I mourn that that may have been the last time.
Ack. I keep going in circles in my head. I tried to talk to him about it, but I dont know if I am more confused or not.
I know who I want to talk to, who will give me the best advice, but she, well she doesnt want to talk to me about him. She doesnt like him. And I hurt her feelings by being with him.
How can the best night of my life also be one of the worst nights?
Sigh. Its time to believe in myself, and be strong for myself... so here goes nothing!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
So many changes
Im done with Transy. I have graduated, and I am now an alumna, yet that isnt the only big moment of my life.
I got to fly in a private jet from New York to KY.
I karoake'd for the first time ever.
I felt like I lost all of my friends for about 15 hours.
And I had an awesome experience with him- no we didnt sleep together- but I feel like I cant tell anyone because no one approves of him.
I am not saying that he's the one for me.
I am not overlooking the past, simply letting it go.
I understand that you dont like him.
But I was hoping that your love for me meant that I could share the things that I am dying to share with you.
I dont need protection, I have always lived my life on the safe side.
I want to let loose some more. I want to have fun and I want all my friends to be there by my side.
But for the first time I feel kind of rebellious, and if I must do this without your support, I will.
There is room for both of you, just like there is room for me and your significant other in your life.
I guess ultimately I want your blessing. I understand that you may not like him, but I would love your support, your ear, and I dont want to make the choice between him and you, and I shouldnt have to, I have a big heart. :)
I got to fly in a private jet from New York to KY.
I karoake'd for the first time ever.
I felt like I lost all of my friends for about 15 hours.
And I had an awesome experience with him- no we didnt sleep together- but I feel like I cant tell anyone because no one approves of him.
I am not saying that he's the one for me.
I am not overlooking the past, simply letting it go.
I understand that you dont like him.
But I was hoping that your love for me meant that I could share the things that I am dying to share with you.
I dont need protection, I have always lived my life on the safe side.
I want to let loose some more. I want to have fun and I want all my friends to be there by my side.
But for the first time I feel kind of rebellious, and if I must do this without your support, I will.
There is room for both of you, just like there is room for me and your significant other in your life.
I guess ultimately I want your blessing. I understand that you may not like him, but I would love your support, your ear, and I dont want to make the choice between him and you, and I shouldnt have to, I have a big heart. :)
Friday, May 27, 2011
New Experiences
Something happened last night.
Something that was a long time coming, and good.
But I cant tell anyone about it because no one will be happy for me.
And the person who I want to tell the most, is giving me the silent treatment.
It sucks.
But I am sorry, I wouldnt change my experience last night for anything, because it was a long time coming.
I just wish that you would be happy for me and let me celebrate with you.
I also wish that you would tell me your honest opinion when I asked and not let me find out that you are pissed about things later.
I love you, I cherish you and our friendship, but I also think that you were trying to protect me from him, and last night, I didnt need protection, I needed to do what I've been wanting to do for months now.
Something that was a long time coming, and good.
But I cant tell anyone about it because no one will be happy for me.
And the person who I want to tell the most, is giving me the silent treatment.
It sucks.
But I am sorry, I wouldnt change my experience last night for anything, because it was a long time coming.
I just wish that you would be happy for me and let me celebrate with you.
I also wish that you would tell me your honest opinion when I asked and not let me find out that you are pissed about things later.
I love you, I cherish you and our friendship, but I also think that you were trying to protect me from him, and last night, I didnt need protection, I needed to do what I've been wanting to do for months now.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Almost Halfway
So I am currently in Italy- which I think I told you the other day. Its the longest trip I have ever taken in my life, and its the first international trip without someone in my family. And I am happy to report that though I miss everyone a lot, I have not suffered from horrible bouts of homesickness. It seems I am growing up, growing into an adult? But totally ignoring the fact that I graduate in like 13 days, yea, lets keep ignoring that! :)
Short, sweet and to the point: I am glad I took this trip, I miss people back home, some of whom it was expected that I would miss, others, not so much. But Italy is a great experience, and I have even enjoyed not looking at a map, and just getting lost.
Longer. I have finally decided that yes, life is about getting lost, doing something you may have never seen yourself doing, and just going with the flow. I think that is what Italy has brought out in me, and its something that I can hopefully translate in to all other parts of my life. Many times I become a control freak, maybe if I just let things go things will fall into place. Its funny though that I had to go to a foreign country to discover this. Yes, we have some structure every day, but we also have free time, and its our time, to wander and do just whatever blows our skirt up. I like this, I want to cultivate it in all parts of my life. :)
Short, sweet and to the point: I am glad I took this trip, I miss people back home, some of whom it was expected that I would miss, others, not so much. But Italy is a great experience, and I have even enjoyed not looking at a map, and just getting lost.
Longer. I have finally decided that yes, life is about getting lost, doing something you may have never seen yourself doing, and just going with the flow. I think that is what Italy has brought out in me, and its something that I can hopefully translate in to all other parts of my life. Many times I become a control freak, maybe if I just let things go things will fall into place. Its funny though that I had to go to a foreign country to discover this. Yes, we have some structure every day, but we also have free time, and its our time, to wander and do just whatever blows our skirt up. I like this, I want to cultivate it in all parts of my life. :)
Friday, May 13, 2011
This shouldnt be the way things are... but ok, whatever
You arent mine, I do not belong to you.
I was doing JUST fine for the first 3 days, what happened?
I know, I had a dream about you,
and now, well now I cant get you out of my head.
I miss you, lots.
And I have no way of getting in contact with you.
None.
I mean there's a chance you might respond to my facebook message, but I dont think you will.
And I dont even know if you use your email address.
But I miss you...
So much it aches.
Which is weird, funny and this shouldnt be happening.
We went 5 months without talking, 2 weeks shouldnt be a big deal.
But my god, I miss you.
More and more as time goes on...
Oh well, I may or may not get to see you sometime in the 4-5 days that I am in Lex once I get back from Italy.
But my guess is that I wont.
So not that you ever read this, but I miss you and I hope you are having a good couple of weeks! ;)
I was doing JUST fine for the first 3 days, what happened?
I know, I had a dream about you,
and now, well now I cant get you out of my head.
I miss you, lots.
And I have no way of getting in contact with you.
None.
I mean there's a chance you might respond to my facebook message, but I dont think you will.
And I dont even know if you use your email address.
But I miss you...
So much it aches.
Which is weird, funny and this shouldnt be happening.
We went 5 months without talking, 2 weeks shouldnt be a big deal.
But my god, I miss you.
More and more as time goes on...
Oh well, I may or may not get to see you sometime in the 4-5 days that I am in Lex once I get back from Italy.
But my guess is that I wont.
So not that you ever read this, but I miss you and I hope you are having a good couple of weeks! ;)
Monday, May 09, 2011
From this moment on
I leave for Italy today. My first trip abroad without my parents. I will be gone for 2 weeks.
I am suddenly terrified.
Can I do this, can I get through 2 weeks with these people that I dont really know? It's gotta be better than going totally on my own, I guess. Yet, I am still terrified.
On the other hand this is something that I wanted, something that I signed up for, and maybe just maybe it will be wonderful.
One thing I am sure of is that this will be a challenge, but one that can push me out in the world. Maybe this trip will make me feel like less of a mouse and more like a lion.
Its kind of funny, yesterday I was home, my brother had thrown my parents a Surprise wedding anniversary party and it became clear that I would be responsible to take them home. And I felt rushed... I didnt get home til like 5 and I was wanting to be in Lex at 5, ugh! But more than that I felt a minibreakdown coming. And I didnt want to burden my parents with sadness on their happy day. I think I managed to get out of the house without them realizing it, but I realized that I was leaving and boy am I going to miss them. The funny part is that I think that as much as I am hiding my feelings, they are too. Lots of people have been asking me how mom is taking it, and I really dont know, I think she is a little worried and probably has some anxiety. But I got an email from her this morning and realize that there's more than meets the eye. I think my mom is almost as panicked as I am. But we are both putting on a brave front because we dont want to worry the other!
So, here's to a wonderful, amazing time in Italy!
I am suddenly terrified.
Can I do this, can I get through 2 weeks with these people that I dont really know? It's gotta be better than going totally on my own, I guess. Yet, I am still terrified.
On the other hand this is something that I wanted, something that I signed up for, and maybe just maybe it will be wonderful.
One thing I am sure of is that this will be a challenge, but one that can push me out in the world. Maybe this trip will make me feel like less of a mouse and more like a lion.
Its kind of funny, yesterday I was home, my brother had thrown my parents a Surprise wedding anniversary party and it became clear that I would be responsible to take them home. And I felt rushed... I didnt get home til like 5 and I was wanting to be in Lex at 5, ugh! But more than that I felt a minibreakdown coming. And I didnt want to burden my parents with sadness on their happy day. I think I managed to get out of the house without them realizing it, but I realized that I was leaving and boy am I going to miss them. The funny part is that I think that as much as I am hiding my feelings, they are too. Lots of people have been asking me how mom is taking it, and I really dont know, I think she is a little worried and probably has some anxiety. But I got an email from her this morning and realize that there's more than meets the eye. I think my mom is almost as panicked as I am. But we are both putting on a brave front because we dont want to worry the other!
So, here's to a wonderful, amazing time in Italy!
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Watch Me
You sir, may possess every attribute that I want in a significant other. And so on the outside, on paper, you would be perfect for me, but real life doesnt care about paper. Real life doesnt hand me perfect, real life hands me you. See, while on paper you have all the things that I want, in real life, you have some personality traits that I cannot live with, though I have tried.
Next on my list of perfection: A good communicator who follows through.
I dont want to talk to you, to see you eventually. I want to talk to you, see you, be with you now.
I'm not going to cut off all ties with you, because I dont do well with that, but I sure as hell dont have to, nor will I wait for you.
I get to make my happy, I get to do whatever I want to, and you, well, lets just say I've been disappointed one too many times to ever follow through with an us.
Will I dream of it? Yes. Because I see myself eventually marrying someone like you, though, unlike before, I definitely dont think it will be you, unless you go through some drastic changes, and that just not fair to ask of someone who is so wrapped up in his own world. (Wow what a horrible sentence!)
But all these things I decided last weekend. And after this decision I went out and did things for myself. I lost control of my faculties and staff, danced the night away in the tightest dress I've ever worn, randomly went to Rolex with someone I dont really know all that well, then went bowling with the most random people ever, and went to a movie at a theater BY MYSELF... I did those things instead of waiting on you. You always disappoint, and me, well, I may be slow, and I might not get things right the first time, but I will learn my lessons, and I will come out happy!
Two years ago, I fell for you and you left me hanging. Last year, I knew that I still had more feelings for you than you had for me. This year, well, we will just have to see, right?
Next on my list of perfection: A good communicator who follows through.
I dont want to talk to you, to see you eventually. I want to talk to you, see you, be with you now.
I'm not going to cut off all ties with you, because I dont do well with that, but I sure as hell dont have to, nor will I wait for you.
I get to make my happy, I get to do whatever I want to, and you, well, lets just say I've been disappointed one too many times to ever follow through with an us.
Will I dream of it? Yes. Because I see myself eventually marrying someone like you, though, unlike before, I definitely dont think it will be you, unless you go through some drastic changes, and that just not fair to ask of someone who is so wrapped up in his own world. (Wow what a horrible sentence!)
But all these things I decided last weekend. And after this decision I went out and did things for myself. I lost control of my faculties and staff, danced the night away in the tightest dress I've ever worn, randomly went to Rolex with someone I dont really know all that well, then went bowling with the most random people ever, and went to a movie at a theater BY MYSELF... I did those things instead of waiting on you. You always disappoint, and me, well, I may be slow, and I might not get things right the first time, but I will learn my lessons, and I will come out happy!
Two years ago, I fell for you and you left me hanging. Last year, I knew that I still had more feelings for you than you had for me. This year, well, we will just have to see, right?
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