Bittersweet

I last saw him March of 2003, roughly 4 months after he moved. This was a person that I liked and some people even believe that I loved. I liked him for 7 years before he moved and then it took me roughly a year to get over him. A person that I had wrapped my life around, the only reason that people called me a bitch- I was pretty jealous, but then again I had some of my best times hanging out with him and I wouldnt change any of that for the world. Live and learn right? So why is he in my mind now, am I worried about him, are our fates gonna bring us back together? I dont know. And even if we were brought back together he is no longer someone that I would want to be with, this person changed. But I still remember the person that was such a big part of my life. Even if I tended to be jealous of the girls that he liked, we had a great friendship. And to think it all started because of his dog! Spending time at his house- which was so close to my bus stop, playing with Nala, and the puppies. And then Nala was gone but our friendship stuck. It wasnt just me and him, there was Natalie too. She was our glue, I was just to nervous around him and she linked us. Then Natalie left, and you know we still hung out, but then his brother and sister were our glue. But then, on his 14th birthday he came over and hung out with me, for pretty much the whole day. I always felt like part of his family, I even got invited to family events. And for a long time it was hard for me to remember these things, to look at my past and be happy, I was to wrapped up in the memories where you kept telling me that I was just a good friend, like a sister(Which I guess I was). And now all the memories are bittersweet. I may have been young, but I learned, and I remember, and now I can really smile.

This post started because of a dream that I had last night, and I was kind of a blast from the past. It was shocking and I felt like I was a little kid again- not necessarily a good thing, because I was back to being shy and uncomfortable. I have worked too hard to break out of my shell to let this person push me back into it. So for me I have moved on. I will remember this person, with happy and sad thoughts. And now, I can really be bittersweet about the times I thought were insanely tough.

For those who dont know who I am talking about, his name is Tim and he was a person that I revolved many parts of my life around for seven years. And I tended to define parts of myself because of him, like people asking about me I would tell them that I liked a guy for 8 years, I am breaking away from that definition of myself, finally.

A New Day

I only have a few minutes til I have to get ready for work but I wanted to get this down. Today was a day of discovery. A little over an hour agi i decided that I wanted to play the piano. Now I had lessons when I was like 10 and I still have those books but I really dont remember much, so I started from the beginning all over again. I played for about a half hour and then decided I wanted to find the books that I started playing out of, and I found my first piano lesson but I also found a great deal more. I found the books of music that my mom had written out, songs with guitar chords- are they chords? And then I got curious, it was kind of a want to find more music but it was also curiosity spiked during a very religious conversation that I had last night, the conversation focused around Islam and their beliefs, now I wanted to contribute but I really dont know anything about Islam. So on my little search today I remembered and then found the Koran that my family owns. Inside is a note to my mom from her Muslim friend, and thats when it hit me. There is SO much in my house that I havent really ever taken an interest in. Not only do we have a Koran but we have a "regular" Bible and a book of Mormons. So much to learn and its right at my finger tips. And its not only religious books that we have but "Common Sense" and some of the classics that I should have read in school but havent. Its funny that now, when I have to get ready for work is when my curiosity is really peaked. I must wait til tomorrow to do some more searching. Not only am I intrigued by the history that is in my house but I realized the reason for keeping journals- its not necessarily for yourself but rather for the generations after you. I may be late in the game but I am going to hit the ground running.
So much discovered, a new leaf, a new day, I am about to fly away!

Old stuff

I have been finding some of my old poems, so I thought I might share one or two, probably only one at the moment.
This one is called Maybe One Day
A great person
cant you see?
happy on the outside
lonly and sad inside
though you dont see it
its definitely there
a heart broken one too many times
a soul searching for the right one
isnt it sad... how many times shes gotten shot down
told shes just a good friend
not what she wants but so what, who cares
maybe one day
someone will actually love her
maybe one day
she will be more than just a friend
maybe one day
hopefully some day
she'll be happy inside
like shes always been... outside

Realizations

So much to say, I dont know where to start. I guess I'll start with my retreat. It started and I was kind of by myself, people flocking to one another after being apart for several months, but these werent the people that got me through the hard things, these were the people who came after. And though I love each one of them, its a distanced love, if that makes sense. These people havent gotten the full Jessie experience! HAHA. Anyway after a while I was folded up into the experience and it didnt matter that these people didnt know everything about me, but that they were accepting me and that was nice. And though during the retreat there was conversation of relationships, I felt good. See usually I feel left out or like a loser when people talk about relationships, but because I am newly happy with my single status I just listened and took everything in!

Then last night/this morning I had a LONG, interesting conversation with some friends. We talked about everything from Michael Phelps, dorm room decor, homework that I was getting a head start on, Viagra, Birth Control, Guardasil, to more personal things like first thing noticed about the opposite sex, death, and virginity (in an odd manner, lol). This conversation made me realize that I have some great friends, even if they seem to be a little protective. And that I wouldnt trade the experiences of the last year, good and bad, for anything in the world.

And this morning when I woke up, I woke up from a dream that left me feeling content. I dont remember what it was about but I know that it was nice and happy. Which led me to realize that these past couple of days have been important to me, my how much I have learned since Thursday! Though I was slowly coming around to the idea that there isnt and wont be a guy in my life for a while- or so I suspect, I am in a good place, and I really do love myself. And I miss the people who have really shown that I am important to them. So I cant wait to go back to Transy!

The last thing I want to talk about at the moment happened while I was shopping with my dad. We were in the checkout line for Kroger and the bagger made the comment that he liked my shirt, (One that says Amsterdam- I kinda had an inside joke at the comment!) and that he and his dad were supposed to go there. This kid just kept talking to me and I was polite and smiled and such, and then I realize that he could be trying to flirt with me- yes I'm bad at the flirting game! haha. So when we left my dad was like so you know that boy? And I said no, he said well you all seemed to be talking a lot so I thought either you knew him or he was flirting with you. See only after the fact do I realize that flirting happened! LOL and usually its my dad that points it out to me! :) And that just makes me laugh. But kind of a take home message I got was to not give up hope- be happy with myself, have a little fun and just let life happen! So thats what I am gonna do! :)

Remembering You

I am all ok until someone asks about you.
This last time it was my mom,
just curious about how long it took
to get rid of your song
til i no longer shook
or forgot to long
to be able to remember you and not ache
i tell her it was 8 years
but still whenever you are mentioned
the wounds are raw again
its not that i miss you
or even that i want you
rather its the memory of you
because for so long you were such a part of my life
but now i only have memories
some good and some bad
but mostly they are fading
a distant ache, that i feel occasionally
and that raw hurt that happens maybe once a year
so, im grateful to remember
but also to be able to get past it
and to be open to the future