Dont.

Dont you wish we tried. Do you feel what I feel inside. You know my love is stonger than pride.
Song By Shania Twain.

Still Confused.
Need to seriously wait for him to text me first, but I fear that he wont. Even our limited contact has been better than the no contact that we had for 2 weeks.
I guess I just have to suck it up and go with the flow. Yea, its gonna suck, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I dont know much, but I do know that if not talking to someone was killing me, that I would talk to them. Im not saying I want to talk to him 24/7 but I would like to initiate SOME contact.
So heres to the waiting- lets hope its not a 2 week ordeal! :)
Wait, is this punishment for me saying that we shouldnt talk? Is he making me wait like I did that for him? But thats not really fair because I warned him that we shouldnt talk, that I was having issues with the separation of friendship vs. romantic feelings. UGH I dont get it.

But what I want most? To see him, to surprise him at work, does that make me a horrible person, or just a hopeless romantic? haha

Everyday

Rascal Flatts song.

Today there has been a quote passing through my head. "Dont make someone a priority if they make you an option." So yes, that see-saw that I have been on for some time is at play once again.
He isnt a priority, not now, but I do like talking to him. He said he was dying not talking to me, but I havent seen any of that come into play. Somewhere, somehow I have to find the strength- the willpower to not talk to him until/unless he talks to me.

Here's to that stubborn Carnes streak, lets put it to good use!

What a Beautiful Day

Song by Chris Cagle.

I cant find the right words. I cant find the right description. Everthing swirls around and nothing gets pinned down.

This is not a good place for a person who likes to have the answers. I am not good at living without answers. But the one person who has the answers isnt very forth coming- they need space.

So heres the issue, space vs. answers.

Right now, space is winning.

I dont want to drive you away because of my questions.

Anything But Mine

Kenny Chesney song.

We are talking again. 12 days no talking and I about lost my mind- as you can read.

Still, is this good? Or am I just feeding a heartsick mind?

Really, it was killing you not talking to me? How can I not fall for that, how can I keep my head on me and focus on the fact that YOU dont want anything, at least not now, right? I am good at compartamentalizing, but I dont know if I am THAT good.

Stronger woman

So I couldnt keep up the no talking, my willpower deteriorated, but I reasoned that it was ok to talk to him if all I was trying to salvage was the friendship. So yes, I sent him a message, and no I dont know how he reacted, I dont know what hes going through, but I left it up to him. I said that I missed my friend, but did not beg for contact, instead I just told him that he knew how to get a hold of me. I have no control over his talking to me and I dont know what hes going through, but I am working on rewrking my ideas of whats going on. Yes he was scared of forcing me into something or hurting me, but I think at this point we have crossed that bridge, and the question is whether or not we ARE actually friends, and if we are I guess we are still on a hiatus. And I dont know whats going on, but I work hard to live life with no regrets, and I think that I would have regreted NOT reaching out and saying "hey I am ready to talk again when you are". So thats where things are now. Have I messed something up? I dont know, but then again it doesnt really matter.

Addiction

Yesterday, and then again today- I saw you online, I wanted to talk SO bad, but I just couldnt I dont know that enough time has passed- in fact im pretty sure that NOT enough time has passed because I still think about you, constantly.

Live your life

Life isnt perfect, it never has been it never will be, but there are moments in one's life that seem to be pretty perfect. I havent had any of those moments since early June, I think that the last pretty perfect moment that I had was June 7th. But thats not the topic today, lol.

After the past three days that I have had, days that have been sucky, today was a better day. Oddly enough, I think the rain that we had yesterday took the black cloud that was hanging over my head away! Well that, and a good dose of exercise. We got a wii fit yesterday and that thing is definitely a workout! So after my exercise I got a better hold and a happier perspective on life. I shouldnt be sad because we decided to go our separate ways for now, I should celebrate the fact that we are grown up enough to talk things through, realize that the timing is wrong, as well as the fact that we do care for one another. :)

Theres an undercurrent to this all, and I dont know what it is or what it means yet, but its definitely something that I am working on. HA, the little detective in me! heehee.

So heres to finding things out, and discovering a new perspective, where it doesnt do any good to have a pity party, but rather asserting one's self is the way to go! Good luck to the stronger women in us all.

Strange... Ride... Cry

Three song titles from 3 great artists. Reba, Martina and Faith. And I am going through some of what all these songs talk about.

I just want to cry, but I cant. Its not that I am trying to hold back the tears, but rather they just wont come. I want nothing more than to lock myself up and cry for 2 days, but somehow since I've told myself that crying is fine, that its ok, that its just what I need, the tears just wont come.

I may not be perfect, I think about him all the time, especially in the past 3 days, which have SUCKED, but I am strong- and I have got to follow through with what I said, not because I want to stick to my word, but because I know that I will be stronger if I do.

I feel as if I am trying to stop an addiction that I had. There is one habit/addiction that I do have, and I have never been able to give it up- even when trying and this not talking is much like stopping my habit. The first few days were fine, I felt as if I made the right decision, but then there was a bump in the road, and I just want to start all over, go right back to where we were- but I know that I cant, because I am just going through a little bit of withdrawl. I want to talk to you so much that I ache, but I have got to get through this, not just for myself, but also so I can be a role model for others. The world is bigger than just me and my feelings- and though I share my life openly with friends and family, part of it is so that they can see the strength that I hope that I have, that I believe that I have, and that they can find that strength in themselves.

Several weeks ago I wrote that I was at a crossroads and I had to wait for the storm to pass to decide which road I was going to take. Well I think that the storm has passed, at least for now, and I will take a path that runs just parallel to the road that I was on. New paths are scary and I am not ready for that just yet, I guess. But I cant be on that same road I WAS on, because some little things have changed. And I dont dare walk on that path that I came from, because that would be counterproductive.

The bottom line today- is that sure I want to talk to him, but I wont because I have the determination, the willpower to stick to a decision that I made last week and I believe that I am still a little too emotional to reverse that decision. So I know things will work out the way they are meant to, and I just have to live life, make decisions and like the woman that I become. :)

I cant breathe without you but I have to breathe without you

This blog is my outlet, the place where I can say everything that I want to say, but that I'm scared to say.
The title of this blog is from the song "Breathe" by Taylor Swift and it captures the emotion and feeling that is going through my head now.

I dont think I have lost him. I still consider him a friend but the no talking deal that I proposed is taking a toll on me, I almost caved today- was *this* close to texting him.

This is the part of the healing process where I have to go back, remember all the strength that I had just a few days ago, and remember that it ISNT over, its just different.

This blog is like my own personal post secret, only I am too scared to send a secret in, so I write it where anyone can see it, counting on the fact that no one will. Is that sad, realisitic, or just odd? I welcome and encourage all thoughts, and comments, that is if anyone reads this! :)

Dont Stop Believing

Just saw that on someone's facebook and it seemed appropriate.
Yesterday I saw a piece of flair on facebook that said "Beautifully Broken" and it stirred a lot of thought, who knew? See, I added the piece of flair but then I thought about it, I am not beautifully broken, Im not even broken at all, I am beautifully put together by all the things that have happened in my life. Sure Timmy B. was hard and I felt broken but it was because of him that I now have a huge respect for myself and DONT lay my heart out for everyone to see, ok well I guess I tell pretty much anyone who will listen- except for the actual person that has caught my eye so to speak. Yes, sometimes I feel as if I am just tied together with a smile, but smiling is my favorite and it can make the whole world better.
It doesnt matter where I started, or the things that deterred me or pushed me forward, but what really matters that no matter what, I keep moving forward (no matter how fast or slow) and that I DONT stop believing that things will turn out ok. Sure there will be trying times, sure I will want to give up, sure I will fall flat on my face, but at the same time I ALWAYS have the option of getting back up, and thats all that I have to do. Maybe someday when things get hard I will have someone who loves me that I can lean on for support, but until then, I only have to answer to myself, I only have to take care of myself, and I only have to support myself.

And whoever you are, whoever is reading this, I challenge you to believe in yourself and support yourself. It really is an amazing feeling. :)

Time to start the healing

So I dont know about all the other girls around, but I've seen the quote "No boy is worth your tears and the one that is wont make you cry" and its now hitting home. That boy that I was writing about yesterday, I've never actually cried over him. Everything that has happened throughout our friendship/courtship I've always been very "go with the flow" and it worked. Sure my feelings are hurt, yes, I really like him, but if its meant to be it will. I honestly think that IF it had happened this summer it would have been hard, and maybe thats just not whats meant for us now. Maybe we will just always be friends- because I do believe that we are friends, even if I have to take a break from talking to him for now. Or maybe just maybe some day we could be something more- but you know it doesnt matter, I have been able to open up- maybe not so much on the outside but I definitely know what I want and what I WONT settle for. And even if sometimes frustrating he was always a good friend, talking me through things, and yes there were times where I didnt hear what I wanted to hear (or anything for that matter) but he treated me well, overall. So no, we werent meant to have a romantic relationship at this point, but we have a friendship that I think can survive the rocks- even if they are rocks that we both throw in the way. And that might sound that Im trying to hold on to something, but Im really not. Im just in a happy place- realizing that I am me, and that if people want to be in my life, then they can, and I dont need a man in my life- in fact I may be too independant for one! ha. But I can do the things that I enjoy and thats all that matters right now. :)

To fellow strong girls, or even women who are struggling, the bottom line is that you have to believe in yourself, because honestly you are the only one that you have to live with, everyone else is just optional. So make yourself happy, do the things that YOU want to do, and dont settle for something that YOU dont want. YOU deserve the best, and so do I. And sometimes the BEST is to be single, surrounded by friends and family and holding out- because you want a King, not the Jack of Hearts! :) Good luck to us all!

Love Lockdown

I could say that I dont know why I keep writing on this blog, but thats only a half lie. I keep writing in the hopes that someone someday will benefit from it, but at the same time I have the hope that the people that I talk about, the people that I should talk TO would read this and be able to understand maybe everything that I cant say.
The only thing that I DO know about this blog is that I find comfort from writing it, and there's at least one person that reads it- even if not regularly.
There's something to be said for getting everything out so the world can see it, even if the world chooses not to.

I should have known that the night that I talked to Ibrahim that whatever James and I had was over. I know that sounds funny, but somehow Ibrahim always contacts me RIGHT after something has gone wrong with a different guy. I find this quite fascinating. I think I've noticed more this time because its been such a short time. See in March when I was dealing with the Dylan ordeal, I talked to Ibrahim. And by that time I was done with Dylan and talking to Ibrahim was a great therapy- just something normal to do even if we dont talk all that often. But then when Ibrahim talked to me not even a week after James said that he "would want to do more than {I} have done and [he] didnt want to put me in that position" (basically what I got from that was that he wanted to have sex, and apparently didnt want to push that on me), I should have known to just be done with James. I know that sounds bad, that I feel as if I should abandon a relationship because another guy talked to me but I dont see it as that way. Ibrahim has a way of contacting me at some of the most random, most needed moments in my life and THATS the reason I should have known. Ever since then James and I have been walking and interesting tightrope- he had a top secret conversation with my sister-in-law and wont tell me what its about other than hes scared of something that is "complicated" and he wont let me in. We had been talking, and even said that we were going to be friends "for now" and that we wouldnt rule out the possibility of a different relationship later. But since this past Sunday I havent heard from him save the occasional forwarded text message. But that only counts as me knowing that hes still alive! haha.

For someone who is scared about pushing me into something that I've never done, this guy just doesnt realize that life is about taking chances, being risky, and hoping for the best. I am a strong girl, and I can take care of myself, if I dont like something then I will either say stop or I will leave- simple as that, I dont really play games- I am NOT compelled to be with someone just because its whats expected, nope sorry, I am an individual and I can make my own decision. I mean if he thinks he will be abusive if I say no then I'm glad that hes not pursuing something, but if hes just scared that one or both of us will get hurt, then yea, thats life, sometimes people get hurt- but seriously we have to take a chance, if its something that I have learned in the past year (a year of HUGE change on my part) then its that you gotta take risks, chances, put your heart and soul out there for people to see, because that, my dear is how you find the people that really want to and DESERVE to be in your life. Sure people will say things like "you should be more outgoing, if nothing else, then for me, because I havent left" and then 4 months later be on the verge of leaving, but its how you deal with your disappointment in these people that will help you later in life. Life is all about chances, opportunties, and then regret. So do what you want, dive in head first, even if you are afraid of hitting your head on concrete- life is leap of faith. So hold your breathe, close your eyes and JUMP! Because whether you come out victorious or not, its something that you WANTED to do, and THATS what's important. But then again if what you say is different than what you want- like you SAY that your scared of getting hurt, but really you just DONT want a relationship, then buddy, own up. Say what you mean, men and women have enough troubles communicating cross-gender, dont make it more difficult by saying something that you really dont mean- it only makes matters worse.

Honestly I cant really say what I feel about this boy, on the one hand it felt so real, natural. But on the other hand I dont like to be led on and its starting to feel that way. I feel for him, got dropped on my ass, but I WILL get back up and move on, I just gotta catch my breath first.

Once burned twice shy woman with a jaded eye....

wants it all and nothing less.

I thought that maybe he was different, that he really cared that life was finally sending someone that I could have a relationship with, but the question now is if thats true, I dont know anymore.
Is he really that noble in not wanting to push me too far or is it a cover up? Everyone keeps telling me that I need to talk to him, but my god thats easier said than done, and I even had my chance last night, he called me- I had a captive audience.
I know he has a past, I know hes known for being a player, and I know I should give up, but I cant- theres a pull there that even if we dont have something NOW, I think there is the chance of still having something later. Is that dumb? I dont know, I have never felt like this before. The whole experience with him is different than what I've ever had before. So do I trust him, or do I look to the past. How am I to know that he hasnt changed. But then again, for arguments sake, how do I know that he HAS changed?

If I was brave enough, I would talk to him and ask him flat out:
Do you like me, want a relationship with me?
I realize that you are scared but life is full of scary things, are you really worried about me or are you worried about me hurting you?
And I would tell him that life is all about embracing new experiences, even if they are scary, its just part of life, and if it doesnt work out it will make us stronger in the long run.
I realize that real relationships are hard, take time and effort and are sometimes really frustrating. But at the same time there are the good things, and he told my sister-in-law that he wants to talk to me so even if he IS scared, he isnt giving up, just yet.
To tell you the truth, I am scared too. I have NEVER ever before been in a situation like this and my god I dont know which way to turn. So I will stand at the crossroads for a while, just waiting for the storm to pass and then maybe I will have a clearer view of what my destination might be.
And I doubt he will read this but if he does, this my friend is everything that I have a hard time saying in person, because honestly I dont want you to take it the wrong way. Ultimately I try my very hardest to protect myself and if I say these things to you then it leaves me more vulnerable.

Life is good- if sometimes frustrating

As I type this I am in the middle of a family vacation, all 11 of us... 7 adults and 4 children under the age of 7- and its been pretty good.
I dont know really where to start with this, working on letting things just flow out of my head and onto the screen I guess. I was confused and yes a little hurt when he told me that overall he would want more than I have ever done in a relationship and he didnt want to put me in that position. There are several ways to look at this, first I thought it was at least thoughtful that he said that outright- even if I did have to kind of pin him down. Secondly, who in their right mind would want ONLY a relationship with the things that I have done- even I am looking for something more, however, I dont want to base a relationship on sex or the implications of sex- which is what I told him.
I wanted to keep the friendship alive, but I really dont know how well thats gonna go because he sends messages like "Good morning beautiful" and "Im so lonely in bed this morning, I wish you were here"- that doesnt sound like someone who is giving up, nor does it sound like someone who got turned down- for all intensive purposes. So what gives? Is it that hes trying to stay in my good graces? or Does he actually have real feelings for me and still want me around? I dont get it, why do people have to sugar coat things, why cant someone just say what they mean?! But I cant say that I dont like this distraction, becuase it keeps me from focusing on all the little irritations that living in a house with 10 people creates! HAHA.
I guess we will just see how things pan out.