Where does the time go?

Its been 2 months since I've written anything here, 2 whole months, exactly.
I am not seeing G. We kind of fizzled. Probably my fault, and thats ok, ya know? Things like this happen.
And thanks to a friend's memory of my posts from my Israel trip, I took a trip down memory lane myself, the other day. There was something that stuck out to me, something that I didnt know was true of that time, but something I've known to be true as of late.
You see, there is a person in this world who, regardless of where he is and what he is doing, has always drawn me to him, if that makes ANY sense...
I know I've talked about him on and off here on this blog, but my life just seems to circle around him. Can we all remember my Memorial Day weekend trip to DC? And the emotions that I had after it? Yea, so that person is now in basic training for the Army. And considering his family isnt supportive, really, of his Army aspirations I have taken it upon myself to write him while he goes through the basic training process.
10 letters in 3 weeks... most of my friends say overkill. But he wrote 1 letter back telling me that he loves getting my letters and he loves hearing from me and that he doesnt have a lot of free time but he does read the letters at night. He also said something like "I have always known you are crazy, and Ive always been ok with it, in fact its what I like most."  It was in response to something in at least one of my letters talking about how crazy I am for quitting my job and going back to school and just running around and this and that. But what a great response! How lucky am I to have someone who like my crazy! lol. I mean I have a lot of friends who deal with my crazy, but no one has before said that its what they like most. (Swoon)
Right now he is home on what they deem "Victory Block" leave for the holidays. And he sent me a message: "I got your letter, I loved it. Please send more, it keeps me going. :)"
I bet you can imagine how those words made me feel.
On the other hand, hes home for 2 weeks, well now for another week, and other than that message, I've not gotten to talk to him. Yes, his communication skills suck. Yes, I know this, and yet, I still swoon over and over again.
So, heres to hoping for more contact, more letters, and more swooning! lol.

Panic

I dont know why I panicked and I have learned a lot about myself thanks to said panic.
But damn it, this was a good one. One that treats me right.
I hope there is a way to move forward.
G is the one that I think about- all the freakin time.
I desperately want to talk to him all the time- when I wake up, before I go to bed.
Hell there are nights when I just want him to be near me.
Maybe we will get to that point again. Maybe not. Only time will tell.

He hasnt run from me yet- maybe there is still the chance.

Stepping back

I have 2 things to write about and I dont want to forget them:
Cervical Cancer
Stepping back to see things from a different perspective.

What you need to know:
Happy girl once again.

I will give you details soon.

Goodnight!

Short, sweet and to the point.

One of the things that I miss most from G is random 3 am messages. They were never really long, usually just a sentence, but they always made me smile.

"Why did you take the crush posts down?"
"I've grown quite fond of you, woman."

I realize I may never get any again, but that doesnt mean I dont miss them. :)

That is all.

Goodnight, ya'll.

All or nothing?

Why is it that when we are friends I can't get you to make plans with me but when we were dating you wanted to hang out almost every day that you were off?
Isn't there a happy medium anywhere?

I saw goodbye in her eyes, girl, let me love you

The first part of the title of this post is a Zac Brown Band song and the second part is a Ne-yo song.
Two different worlds right?

I dont know where I am, or where I am going anymore. I take it a day at a time but thats not what I want to do. I want to look forward to the future, I want to have goals dreams and happiness. But we arent there, not yet.

I am in a place I've never been before, what happens when you realize that 1. you really messed up and 2. you messed with someone else's emotions- unintentionally. Let me explain. So G and I talked for 3 months, then started hanging out which we kind of also called dating, then we kissed, I panicked, called the dating off, but realized that I didnt want him out of my life and we are building back to friends. Yea- most of that happened in the last 3 weeks (but who's counting?) Last weekend I was mad at him because he wouldnt talk to me even thought we had already said we were gonna go back to being friends. This weekend I am mad at myself because I feel like an ass trying to get back to being friends so soon after "breaking up" because what if there were some things that he needed to work through... but I wasnt sensitive enough to let him do that. Stupid, needy, regretful me.
I drank 2 bottles of wine to get rid of that week, he drank 3. Maybe now I'm reading too much into it, but am I the reason that he had to drink 3 bottles of wine? Did I really mean that much to him- was he really that fond of me?
And then somewhat unrelated: how the hell do I go back to being friends- I pretty much told him everything, am I allowed to still do that? How do I get him to start a conversation, I dont want to be the one to drag info out of him, thats not cool. I want to be friends again- hang out, see where life goes but not have any expectations, not of each other and not of myself. Because I suck at reacting the way that I expect myself to react. Way to be a failure, Jess.
And on that note, someone told me yesterday that I am an inspiring person? What the hell? How am I inspiring? But I guess the answer is that I believe that everyone should chase their dreams- especially young people such as myself. It doesnt matter if the dreams is big or little, totally out there or completely plausible, you should chase it to the best of your ability, so that you dont have any "what-ifs".

Then this afternoon I went walking, by myself. I dont like walking by myself anymore. I miss walking with my friend, my twinkie. Walking by myself is too quiet. But on the other hand I was able to do some reflecting and this is what I realized today: the week of September 23rd sucked. I lost my twinkie to France and then I pushed away G. It was just a bad week. But this is what I realized: unlike most of my life, I was unable to separate those two pieces of my life. Usually I can take every part of my life and separate it out into different boxes in my head, but because there was so much going on, my mental separation was not working. It sucked, and I panicked. Jessie needs to not be so panicky. Jessie just needed to take a deep breath and go more with the flow and less with the rash decisions.
Next time, if there is one, will be better.
Next time I'll focus.

My, what a difference a week makes...

Last Wednesday I basically killed a non-relationship-relationship. I say it that way because we were technically dating BUT we never made it FB official or anything. Anyway, so I kind of jumped the gun last week, panicked, you know, all that fun crazy white girl stuff.
And then, understandably, the "lets be friends" comment wasnt working and G wasnt really talking to me.
But yesterday we had a little conversation.
And today my world was righted because we talked for a couple of hours. I loved it, it was wonderful, amazing and made me so very happy. Like you dont even know.
Silly, yes.
Crazy? A little.
But its me.
And G, well, I am a little surprised that he is still willing to talk to me, but Im really happy about it at the same time.

My angst is over, arent you glad?!
My self-improvement, however, has just begun! :)

Seriously?

Ive spent the whole week being emotional. And then I spent the weekend being physically sick.
Not how I saw my week going when it started.
Nonetheless that is what happened.
I stayed in denial.
Then I did the whole sad depressed thing.
And no Im kind of moving on to anger.
I realize that I told G I didnt want to be dating, but damn it I did not mean that I wanted him out of my life.
And hes freakin ignoring me.
Really dude?
We spent 3 months building a friendship, less than 2 weeks of actual dating- we were never even facebook official and now you wont talk to me? What the hell?
Also, if you were really fond of me, you would want to still be in my life- be my friend, because I just needed to take a step back. I need you as my friend- really.
I would tell you all this, but I am TRYING to give you space. I know, I suck at giving you space, but Im stuck between giving you space and making sure that you know I still care.
I know its not easy to "go back to what we had" but I am hoping we can at least open a line of communication and talk again, see where/how that goes.
I hope you are still reading this blog.
And to everyone else having to read my angst... I am sorry. lol.

Ruined

I dont like having regrets but I would really like to go back to Wednesday and change what went down.
I reacted out of fear.
I realized it yesterday on my way to Lexington.
I have a fear of relationships- or rather kissing.
People kiss me and crap just goes downhill from there- its happened every time.
It sucks.
And I dont know if its MY reaction or the situations.
But I freak out.

I dont know if G will read this- not going to lie- I hope he does, because hes not answering me anymore. I get it. I dont deserve his answers. But I miss talking to him. In the last week I have lost 2 people who, between them I spent roughly 6 hours a day with.
Not feeling great, obviously.

I am emotionally and physically fucked up right now. Literally spilled my guts this morning. Not in a happy place.
I feel like I am wading my way through mud. The deep kind- mud up to my mid thighs.

UGH.

Goodnight.

Fall days

Cooler weather colored leaves and all that jazz.
But big major life decision time for me. Time to go back to school. To totally change my life. Why you ask? Because I dont want to sit at a desk crunching numbers for the rest of my life. I want to change lives, I want to heal things and I want to be a vet.

Remember that guy I wrote about, the one I referred to as G? Ok, so I talked to him on facebook, imessage and texting for about 3 months and then finally thanks to reading this blog he decides that hanging out could be a good thing. We have 3 dates in 3 days. Then over the next week and a half another 2 dates. This guy in so many ways is perfect- you think I'm kidding but every piece of his personality is everything that I've ever wanted in a guy that I may be dating. Hes considerate, supportive, and yet gives me space. And yet last night I "broke up" with him, I use the quotes because we were never official about anything, it was some pretty casual dating. So I just talked about how perfect he was and then about how I broke up with him- I know, that doesnt seem right does it? So to answer your unasked question, I dont really know what went wrong. But it was definitely something in me. Let me try to explain. First guy that I've actually dated- if you read anything about J you know we never really dated- and within 2 weeks I "give up"? I think I had expectations and I didnt live up to them. HE DID. HE was perfect, HE was amazing, HE gave me space when I pulled away. I was the jerk. I was the idiot. And you might think, if Im beating myself up so much, why did I say "Adios"? Because at this moment in my life it didnt feel right- I didnt feel right. And while I feel like that happened was right, I still feel like a big ol' asshole. Worlds biggest jerk, right here. I know we didnt date that long but he treated me so well and then I went and caused him pain. Im a people PLEASER not a people PAIN CAUSER. Ugh. So G, if you are still reading this- you were awesome, amazing, sweet, funny, caring and I could go on and on, but that might not be the best idea. And since I've done everything so cliche up to this point, Ill continue on that path: I really do hope that we can still be friends and hang out and go to the movies and go bowling and all that jazz, because I dont want you out of my life, I just am not in a place to be dating right now. Ugh- that sounds so fake- but I promise its not!

In other news, my twinkie, my soulmate, my Sdot went to France on Tuesday, and I've been downright lost without her. Its crazy, Im literally sitting here crying because she sent me a message tonight and I havent gotten to really talk to her all that much since she left. I mean I know shes off doing something awesome and shes going to have a great adventure but I miss her SOO much. We literally saw each other very nearly every day for the last 3 months and now shes gone for 7 months.
I want to post this, but I'll write more about sdot being gone later- hopefully before the weekend is up.
Missing my friend, G too.
Sigh

Happy Girl

That is all.

Another year in the books.

So, if you are a new reader, or an old one, you will notice that every year I post something on the anniversary of my grandmas death. Weird, maybe, but it is a day that I consciously reflect on the past year and write about it. See, its not near a holiday so there isnt any pressure. Its my day to think about the things that I deem important and theres something liberating about that.

Today seems somewhat different. Maybe its because its the 5 year anniversary of her death? Or maybe Im just getting older and the day is less of a knife wound and more of a bruise. That being said, I miss my grandma very much, she was an amazing woman. Every year I think about how I am living out her legacy, and whether or not she would be proud of me. A "what did I do this year that makes me worthy of praise" kind of reflection.
Ok, so I know that living ones life so that some dead person will be proud of them is just weird and sometimes counter productive. But I dont live just so she will be proud of me, I live a life that I hope she would enjoy, I want to live a life where I could tell my grandma every detail- ok, so that might be odd, but I guess the bottom line is that I want a life that isnt scandalous. Hah.

This year's anniversary is particularly hard but I think that she would enjoy my story, my journey, and for that, I look forward to what the next year holds.

Ways of Change, Change of Ways

High school - yep, high school- it was tolerable for me, nothing special. I played soccer, or started the season playing soccer my freshman year- that didnt last, but sophomore year I did play the whole season. I went to football games and basketball games. I made good grades, but I was always just ready to leave, move on. My popularity wasnt going to peak in high school, and I knew it.
I left high school figuring that I wouldnt ever really look back... and yet, Im looking back. There are things that I didnt really pay attention to that I am kind of seeing in a new light. No, I'm not going back and reliving the whole experience, but I am getting glances into moments that just make me pause for a moment.

Obviously, I've been talking to someone I knew in high school- albeit I didnt know them that well, but it has been so much fun. Sleep has become something that I push back... midnight on work nights, and even later on weekends- why sleep when I can be laughing my butt off at something ridiculous?!

And to add to the blast from the past there is a person - s dot- who I've known for something like 15 years- wow, I dont think I realized I had known her that long but just the past couple of months we've become really close. Its funny really how our friendship evolved. We met in girl scouts, and really didnt have much to do with one another other than the fact that our parents were co-leaders. Then scouts was over and eh, we just werent really friends. Later, she was looking at colleges and came to visit me at Transy and we got along pretty well. She didnt go to Transy, but we saw each other a couple of times over the years and then we made plans like movies. But this summer, and I cant even remember when - crazy, right?!- but we decided to workout together and we've talked every day and seen each other almost every day. Its kind of really nice to have a good friend that is close and who I can see almost every day. And we really are working out- exercising, ya know? Zumba, and walking. I love it, who woulda thought.

There was a song that we sang in girl scouts "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Its cheesy, sure, but I am learning just how important it is to have the older friends in one's life. Maybe you share a lot of experiences with them and they will know about the infamous Timmy, or maybe you didnt know them that well before, but you are getting to know them better now. Its all a great journey. But then there are the people in my life from Transy- the "new" people, and they are just as important. They are witness to my Transy experience in a way that no one else will be.

At the end of the day its not about who I was, but who I am. Every little moment has shaped me, some more than others but each moment is like a cell and when they all come together you have me, this person. There are flaws- or mutations, if you will. But because of them I am uniquely me- something that no one else can be and for that, I am blessed.

I hope that you all feel just as blessed, grateful, amazing and unique!

Just had to share

Got to talk to "my guy".
And while it was exciting and what I had been waiting for ALL day, what made it better was that we had a conversation about my night guard. I mean seriously? He thought it was "very cool", seriously?
I mean he gets lots of kudo points for that comment, but to be that interested in my night guard?
I dont get it.
I mean Im flattered.
And I think its hilarious.
Partially because I've never had to describe my night guard before.

Waiting room

Tomorrow, I mean later today, my mom has knee surgery. Its the same knee surgery that my dad had last year and my grandma had before that... an no I dont THINK its genetic, but if it is, then I am up a creek with no paddle.
Anyway, tomorrow is another trip to the hospital. Another time to wait. To watch the morning news shows and to be the stability for the parent who ISNT under the knife.
Thats what I pride myself in being- my parents' rock. Whenever we have to go to the hospital for whatever reason- a heart issue, a knee surgery, a uterine surgery, the birth of children, grandma has fallen, I do my best to be the rock. Thats not saying that I dont need support from others, because honestly sometimes it would be really nice, however, my role in this family is to make sure everyone keeps it together- and that might be a self-appointed role.
There is one exception to that rule- when no one is around. If I am the only person at the hospital waiting for the news, then, then I fall completely apart.
Hospitals dont scare me, they dont make me nervous, they just dont have any negative effect on me at all.
To me a hospital is just another building.
I dont know why I'm so comfortable in a hospital- we didnt become familiar until I was 11. But my dad had his heart attack when I was eleven and over the last 12 years he's been in and out, at first it was heart attack scares, then it was the SVT, but dads last hospital trip was his knee surgery last year. Mom has been healthier, shes only had the uterine surgery May 2010 and then the knee surgery tomorrow. My dad's mom was in the hospital a few times in the year leading up to her death. As for me, I've never been in the hospital- maybe thats why we get along so well.
Anyway, moral of the story is that tomorrow is another hospital adventure.

Side note: Talked to a certain special person tonight, and I will be going to bed a happy person. :)

It's bedtime, but I dont wanna go to bed!

Theres a person in my life. I dont know if I mentioned him earlier in the summer or not, but basically we went to high school together and we've reconnected thanks to my sister in law posting a picture of me that also tagged his brother in law's brother.
Anyway long story short, we've been talking- a lot.
In fact Saturday night I stayed up talking to him til 5:30 in the morning. It was crazy, but it was so much fun. I cant stop smiling- seriously, its kind of obnoxious.

I know I am probably getting ahead of myself here, but I keep thinking of the guys in my life who meant something to me- you know, guys who had the potential of being more than just a friend. And the bottom line is that none, not a single one of those guys communicated with me as well as this one does. I send him a message and he answers seemingly as soon as he gets it. He apologizes for having to 'brb' when we are talking on fb- the brb though is so that he can go do his work. I mean, you dont have to apologize to do your work when you are at work and talking to me... although its very sweet. If we are talking on the iPads and he loses internet connection, he gets on fb to tell me that he lost connection on his iPad. And Friday night we watched a movie together- I watched it via Showtime on my tv and he netflix-ed it and synched up with me so that we could watch it together, I mean seriously? He didnt have to do that.

Now, I only have one problem. We've been chatting on fb and the iPads since mid June. I'm ready to see him, hang out with him. But its hard because he works 3rd shift and I work first. He works every other weekend and I dont work any weekends. And apparently he's super popular and has all kinds of plans on his off weekends so far. *sigh*. But I am not giving up! Also, kind of an interesting fact: we've not exchanged phone numbers. I mean technically we both have our numbers accessible by the other person but we've not actually exchanged numbers- which I find kind of cool, and kind of weird at the same time. I mean really, we are having this great friendship on fb but we dont text or anything?

And the only downside to our talking more and more, and really its only been since we talked until 5:30 am Sunday morning. But now I want to talk to him all the time! ALL THE TIME! Im trying to keep my cool, but its so, so very hard. I'll try to keep you updated.


Oh, in other news, my friend that I visited in DC in May called me Monday. A phone call, after pretty much no contact since I visited him! Hes starts basic training with the Army next Tuesday. I'm happy for him, a little annoyed at his communication skills, but happy for him and thankful that he called me to tell me the update- that counts for something right?
(Its not NEARLY as good as responding to me asap, even if its just a quick note because hes using his phone to get on fb)
I guess I shouldnt complain too much, and just take what I can get! lol :)

Goodnight friends.
Here's to hoping for more late nights! :)

User manual.

I spent some time with a friend today, just talking. She's someone I've known for years and while we werent close as kids we've gotten closer as we've gotten older.
Today we were talking guys. We both have problems. I have limited experience but she doesnt have any experience and so we lament together.
Today, my (new) guy was the subject. I've consciously not tried to talk to him since Wednesday because I was hoping he would send something to me, but on the other hand I dont want to leave him hanging and feeling like I dont want to talk to him. But then again I want him to want to talk to be because I freakin wanna talk to him! Ugh.
So what do I do?
I ask all my friends. But they all think I'm cute and sort of write me off. But there's no right answer, right? We are all different and we all have different experiences. We can look at someone's experiences and learn from them but that doesnt mean we will have similar experiences!
So then I ask myself what I want to do. I WANT to talk to him. But I want him to ask me for my number- apparently Im a little old fashioned. I want to hang out with him and see if we have any face-to-face chemistry. There are a lot of things that I want. But I told myself I wouldnt harass him over the weekend and if he wanted to talk to me he could, so I wont do anything til tomorrow, and hopefully tomorrow I will get to talk to him. And there are so many things I want to talk to him about that I dont know if he will get any work done! haha.
 And thats the other thing, I know when hes at work and will talk to me but what about when hes not at work- does he ever think about talking to me? I know, I know, Im over thinking it, but thats who I am. :)
So now, 2 quotes that I have running on a loop in my head are:


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind



We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.

Therefore, Im working on saying what I feel and finding my mutual weird person! :)

Gee, I wonder what will happen next...

So, I think last time I wrote I mentioned G.
Well, G and I have been talking more and more.
He surprises me every time we talk, and is almost always teaching me something new.
I havent laid eyes on this guy in 6 years.
But he makes me laugh.
Yep, I have a crush.
And we will tentatively be hanging out in August.
Thats right, folks, I asked him to partake in a social activity with me. Aren't you proud?
Whats better is that he said yes.
Ive not been able to stop smiling for 2 whole days.

Also, here is one of my pieces of our conversations:
Me: How do you feel about bowling?
Him: Its racist and homophobic.

I about died from laughter when I read that.
I hope laugh at that, because if you dont, I think you might have problems. :)

Anyway, that's all I've got tonight.

Happy dreams, ya'll.

Something Different

Its not really old school, but its definitely something I dont think I've done before.

I told you about talking to G, but heres the thing, we only talk on fb. I dont have his cell phone number- so no phone calls, and no texting. We've emailed a couple of things- which seems super old school, hah. And we havent seen each other in years. 

And yet the conversations that we have arent special, they are really just 2 friends catching up and chatting, and yet they make me laugh and laugh. I love laughing. 

On the one hand I want to talk to him daily- all the freakin time, text him, talk to him on the phone- and im not a phone person, or even get to see him and spend time with him. But then, on the other hand I love our current conversations, talking to him now and then, sort of randomly. 

Its better than the nothing that I am getting from the other one. 

And until just this very minute I hadnt thought about J since I started talking to G. 

Its funny how much life can change in a year. 

This year has been full of good changes and I look forward to whats next, hoping that its just as exciting. 

Hey, theres the potential that in the next year I will have moved out or, shock, maybe be in a real relationship. Ok, ok, so I am getting a little ahead of myself, but the world is full of possibilities, y'all! You never know who you are gonna meet, or reconnect with! 

Enjoy your day, because tomorrow its a different day, and there will be different reasons to be happy. 

Next!!

So, last month I was all hung up on this kid, the one in DC. But I havent heard from him- not really- since I visited him and while I know he is communicationally challenged how hard is it to say hi on facebook, really?

I randomly went on a canoe trip with my brother, his wife and several of their friends including one of C's best friends from high school, DP. Well we were both tagged in one of my sister in laws pics and then one of MY friends from high school asked DP how he knew me. DP told G and then since I was tagged I sent G a message too telling him how I knew DP. And then G and I started talking, and talked for an hour, at least. And ever since then- its been 2 weeks now, we've randomly talked. My god this guy makes me laugh. Hes charming, says cute things, sweet things- at least I think they are sweet. And he seems to be really interested in whats going on in my life. Whenever I ask a question about him he answers but then turns the subject to me. He has not once not responded to me and whenever he has to go actually work- because we usually talk while hes at work, he apologizes and tells me he will brb. Then every time we are signing off he say "tty soon?" its like he doesnt take it for granted that we will talk again, its endearing.
Talking to him makes me happy. That is all.

Alaska is done

And I didnt finish blogging on this blog, but you can check out the rest of the trip on my other blog- thats right, I have 2 blogs, really I have 3 but anyway, the rest of the trip is over there.
http://adventures-threesixnine.blogspot.com/

Bear necessities!

This morning started early, especially since I stayed up late talking to friends last night. Shew, that wake up call was NOT welcome, but it happened, and I woke up and off we went.
Yesterday we signed up for an 8 hour wildlife viewing tour through the Denali National Park.
So we get to Denali and we are the last group on the bus, but our bus driver, John Miller is WONDERFUL. I mean within 2 minutes of us being on the bus we are laughing. But the day is a dreary rainy foggy cold pretty icky day. Sigh.
Regardless, off we go. The first animal we come across is a snowshoe hare, not to be confused with a rabbit, apparently the difference is that a rabbit cannot change color whereas the hare does. The hare is white in the winter and brown now. And I know this makes sense but I still found it amusing: their feet are HUGE in comparison to the rest of their body. Yea, thats the one thing that I picked up about the hare.
Further into the park we go, John is giving us all kinds of info, the history of the park, the geology of Alaska, the history of the animals, the rivers and the mountains and while that might sound boring, he was a very good storyteller so it was fascinating.
But the miles came and went and there were few sightings of wildlife. We did see 2 caribou from afar, really really afar. And someone asked the difference between caribou and reindeer and the answer is that genetically there is no difference, but reindeer are shorter. We dont want reindeer to crossbreed with the wild caribou though because it would make them shorter and less likely to do well in the winter. The remaining question though is would a reindeer/caribou cross be a carideer or a rainbou? :)
We saw some mountain sheep, just chillin on the top of a mountain checkin us out, chewin their cud- it was amusing but again, not all that exciting. We want to see bears and moose!
We keep driving, further and further and further into the park. The road is now a 1.5 lane rock road and we are on an upgraded school bus- and there are steep cliffs and other upgraded school buses, coming the opposite direction! But our guide is not only a very good guide hes a very good driver and we all stay safe!!
So probably a mile before we get to the turnaround place we come across a momma bear and her 2 springers... that means the cubs that she had with her were born this past January. Bear mommas take care of their cubs for 3-4 years. And this big ol momma grizzly was just chillin on a hillside, eatin some plants. The cubs were kind of checkin things out and playing- but they were all totally ignoring the buses that were lining up to watch them. Momma grizzly then decided to cross the road- RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR BUS! So cool! We took this opportunity to go do our turnaround and then come back where we got to spend more time watching the momma and babies. Let me tell you, I am so glad I got to see a WILD grizzly bear in person, what an experience, amazing!
And then on our way back we saw a couple of moose! Experience complete. What a freakin awesome tour.
The unexpected gem of the tour was that there was no cell phone coverage- we were in the wilderness! Even though I told a new, old friend that I would be by my phone all day if he wanted to message me- and I was by my phone all day but I couldnt have gotten anything if I wanted to, it was cool not to hear the binging of cellular devices throughout the tour. I dont know if that sentence makes sense, but Im gonna leave it like that and hope that if you are reading it you are smart enough to understand what I mean! :)
But, wait for it, our day is not yet complete!
Once we get some hot chocolate and back to our car we decide to check out the sled dogs that the park has- they have puppies too!! We got to pet the dogs and then got a demonstration that talked about the history and the current status of sled dogs- it was pretty good, even if I did get yelled at for crossing the rope to try and pet the dogs- I am a dog person, I want to pet them!! And they werent clear in the directions that one shouldnt cross the rope!! But in all honesty- sometimes I just have to break a rule! haha. :)
After we saw the dogs mom and grandma went to look at the science center while dad and I stayed in the car- mom and grandma got lost, surprise surprise, but eventually they found us and off to dinner and shopping we went!
Dinner was Subway- gotta love Subway! And shopping was touristy! I have a weakness for touristy shopping! :) So I bought some bear socks and a bear t-shirt. This is in addition to the zip-up fleece that I got yesterday for $9... thats right a zip-up fleece jacket for $9, can you say a steal?! :)
Mom and grandma kind of ran out of steam while we were shopping, so we headed back to the hotel room.
As I have been writing this post, the sun came out, its quite magical, considering we havent seen the sun the whole time we have been in Alaska... its been cloudy the whole time with some pretty rainy moments. Amazing that its 9pm right now and the sun is out as if it was a 5pm at home. Its just beautiful.
Alas, my day is coming to an end and I've got nothing more to talk about, so I will give you a sentence or two on what we will be doing tomorrow. We are gonna head back towards Anchorage tomorrow and then Homer the next day. I think we will be staying 2 night in Homer then back to Anchorage so that we can head home.

Goodnight friends. :)

Wassup Denial.... I mean Wasilla Denali!

6 people read my last post, which means I have to deliver tonight.

Today we started out heading to the Anchorage Botanical Gardens. First thing we see is "Be bear aware" and the other things we see are mosquitoes... large deadly scary mosquitoes. So while dad and I are being bear aware and slapping ourselves silly, mom and grandma are looking at the pretty plants. Dad dodges the majority of the mosquitoes by putting up his hood while I apparently attract them, by the hundreds with my hair. And while slapping at a mosquito I missed and scratched the area by my left eye, so much that it looks like I was scratched by an animal- yep, I drew my own blood, which probably didnt help my mosquito problem. Ok, so mosquito adventure done.
Next we head towards the highway and up to Wasilla. In case you live under a rock, a very large rock, thats where Sarah Palin lives. I googled her address in time to look up and say "Thats the road off of which she lives." as we drove by, and that was that. Next we stopped at a Subway for lunch in a town called Talkeetna. They also had showers in the gas station in that little town- something that I have never seen before in my life!
Ok, so I pee while at Subway, and then I pee at the gas station next door as we leave, but you know, less than 20 miles down the road and I have to pee again. There's only one problem with that: Talkeetna was the last town- and bathroom- for 95 miles. I have a sprinting bladder and it gets nervous when it knows it wont be able to be relieved for a long time... I do NOT have a marathon bladder. So here we go, 95 miles...and I have to pee for about 80 of those miles. There is gorgeous scenery passing by and all I can think about is oh my god, I have to pee. Someone says funny, I laugh and then regret it instantaneously. Anyway, here we are driving in the middle of beautiful Alaska and all I can think about is counting down the miles til we can get to a restroom. But heres where magic happens. We are driving and theres a sign for a trailhead but it also has the universal- or what I think is the universal sign for bathrooms, so I scream "BATHROOM" and my dad says "Do you want me to stop here" I said "YES!!" and had my door opened and was RUNNING down the path to the little outhouses before he had the car in park. Relief never felt so good.
So, after that little side trip we got back on the road, and finish the trip to Denali. Let me just say, the scenery here is breathtaking, absolutely beautiful. We got to Denali, checked the place out, got tickets for a big wilderness seeing adventure tomorrow, and then went to dinner. Oh, and I bought a bear bell, its a carabiner with a bell. I hate making noise, but Im willing to make noise if it means that I dont have to deal with a bear.
Back to the day, we did a little 15 mile drive through the park and saw some Caribou... which the reindeer are a subspecies of, btw. And then once we got out of the park we went to dinner, where we had to wait for a place to eat for over an hour, but it was delicious pizza! Thats where I made my grandma cry, not awesome by the way. But mom really pissed me off, making me feel worse about hurting grandmas feelings so I got up and left for a while to cool down. I felt horrible, about half an inch tall. Really, I didnt mean to hurt grandmas feelings, but apparently Im good at it, sigh. So I buck up, buy her an emory board- because she loves them and go apologize. Things seem to be fine now, I just gotta be patient and not so quick with my one liners.
After dinner we went shopping!! I love souvenir shopping! I love it more when I can get a fleece zip-up thingy for 10 bucks! YES!! But I also dont like to dawdle, so we did our shopping and then came back to the hotel, which has a river running right outside of the cabins, which is beautiful, and by this time its 9:30ish and mom and grandma get situated and fall right asleep. Dad and I again are the ones up but since it is now 11 here- no it didnt take me an hour and a half to write this and if it did, I blame it on being distracted by talking to friends on FB- I need sleep, we have to be back up at the National Park by 7:30 in the morning... eek!
Goodnight friends!

Alaska

So, here I am, in Alaska. I may not have visited all of the lower 48 states but I have now visited both Hawaii and Alaska.
The trip up was fairly uneventful.  While going through security in Lou I pulled a sticker off the back of some foreign (cute) guy's shirt. It was funny trying to explain what I was doing- gotta love language barriers. The Lou to Minneapolis flight was nice and then we were in an old plane for Minneapolis to Anchorage. There were lots of babies too, but thankfully there was no more than about 5 minutes of crying the whole flight- magical.
We got in and got our stuff, called the hotel for a shuttle and made it to our hotel around 1:30 am Alaska time- which is 4 hours earlier than home time. And the coolest thing was that the outside light was similar to that of dusk at home- thats right dusk at 1:30 am. Welcome to the summer in Alaska!
We were all exhausted though, so bed was of the first order. I popped in my night guard- attractive, I know, and my newly purchased ear plugs and I was blissfully unaware of anything until about 8 am. I am only wondering why I never invested in the ear plugs before- especially with my dads snoring and my grandmas rustling.
This morning we woke up and got our rental car. The rental car guy was an attractive black guy named Matthew who had a very large championship ring- thats how I knew his name was Matthew btw, not from a name tag but from his ring! Apparently he played football for the University of Washington and got the ring when they beat Nebraska for some championship- I love random people's cool stories!
After getting the car- a brown Hyundai Santa Fe, and checking the lost and found for mom's hat- she doesnt really remember where she lost it, we headed to brunch with our old neighbor. Well technically her parents are still neighbors but she moved to Alaska about 5 years ago and was actually headed to California today, so brunch was about the best visit we could manage! Anyway, it was good to see her, she is an amazing person and was like a sister to me in some ways growing up- a much older sister! And since she is honorary family, this is my not-so-shameful plug for her music, go look up Amy Lou Hettinger and listen to her CD, its amazing!
Somewhere between getting the car and getting brunch mom lost her credit card- are you counting? thats 2 things in 2 days- and so we retraced most of our steps looking for it, but no such luck, so we had to come back to the hotel to call the credit card company to cancel the card. Me, well, Im pretty annoyed by now, really, why would you put your credit card in the same pocket as your phone which you are checking every 5 minutes? Maybe I've just learned my lesson and mom hasnt yet. And grandma, oh goodness grandma is being helpful. So mom is losing things and grandma is being helpful, my annoyance level rises higher and higher. Oh, and while we are back at the hotel dad has gone to get drugs for his athletes foot. Never a dull moment!
So credit card canceled, with lots of extra help, and athletes foot treated we are on our way again. We head up to the Alaska Native Heritage Center- it was WONDERFUL! On our way there we saw 2 moose (!!!!!!) and as we walked in we were greeted by a dancing demonstration, then we walked around and learned about the various Native Alaskan tribes (?- I dont know if tribe is the technical term, but its what I am using) and along this path an Iditarod champion was set up, ok not just ANY champion the 2011 champion! And his dogs, and new PUPPIES! So we paid the outrageous price of 10 bucks per person for a 3 minute ride with 16 Iditarod dogs! And these dogs were happy to mush, amazing! We then met a native that was a great storyteller, someone we could have listened to for hours, but really, we were starting to fade.
Back to downtown Anchorage where we stopped at an Ulu factory that was near a stream where there are supposedly Salmon- we didnt see any Salmon. By this time its about 5 and we are hungry, so I directed the family to an "Old Alaskan Restaurant" where mom and grandma had halibut and salmon respectively and dad and I had a cheeseburger and a hamburger, respectively. They may have been burgers but neither dad nor I think that it was actually beef burgers, so I am claiming that it was a moose burger! hah.
After dinner we came back to the hotel room and have been vegging out. Mom and grandma have been asleep for hours now but dad and I are up and reading, although I think after this post I am headed to bed myself. Its now 9:30, which is a nice respectful time to go to bed, right?! Even if it looks like its the middle of the day outside still? I LOVE this daylight for something like 20 hours a day! Tomorrow we plan to hit the botanical gardens, Wasilla and make it all the way up to Denali!
Oh and in case you were wondering, I did get over my annoyance, in fact I got pretty giggly and amused as the day wore on- thank god!

Healthier

While in DC 2 weeks ago- insert comment about missing DC and bemoaning the fact that it has now been 2 weeks- I lost something like 7 pounds in the 4 days that we were there. It was something that blew me away, and inspired me. How did I lose so much weight you ask? We walked 11 miles on Friday and another 5+ on Saturday, according to my friends pedometer. But thats not all, on top of walking I ate foods that were not my norm, I didnt have many "junk" foods and I drank mostly water. Yep, that will make you lose weight.
But then I come home and get back into my normal routine, except man it would be REALLY nice to keep losing weight. SO I started exercising, biking, walking, mucking out the barn. I put on the 5 pounds I had lost and then I lost them again. (I know, I know, its not exactly healthy to be seesawing weight so much, but its only 5 pounds.)
Again, here we are 2 weeks later, and I am still inspired- though decidedly less inspired on rainy days. My weight still cant decide what it wants to be but its not that important. I've decided that I want to be active, happy and healthy- but I dont want to cut out all of my favorite foods. So I have been working really hard at moderation. Last week I did 3 miles worth of something- walking or biking but it was just not really what I wanted to do. Over the weekend I mucked out part of the barn, and thats all fine and good, but I dont want to do that during the week. And then I realized I missed running. Therefore this week, I have ran. I was always more of a sprinter and less of a distance runner but maybe I can train myself to run further- farther?... Anyway, Monday I ran to my old bus stop- a half mile away from the house. I ran the whole way, I was flabbergasted that I could, much less that I did. And then I was ecstatic. Then Tuesday I just wasnt feeling the whole running thing. Wednesday I ran to the bus stop again- and then I ran half way home too. Again, impressing myself. And today, I ran to the bus stop. Who knew I had the stamina for all that running?! But being a reasonable person, I dont want to push myself too injury so I think I may walk tomorrow. See, its all about moderation- even exercising in moderation, because if you push your body too hard you wont want to go out the next day, but if you dont push enough you might get bored.
Being healthy isnt just about exercising though, is it? Its a combination of exercising and providing your body with the right fuel. And if you know me at all, you know I love sodas, but sometime towards the end of lint I decided no sodas during the week, but I could have them during the weekend. And that worked, for a while. Now, though, I am allowed a soda occasionally. It can be during the week- like Wednesday, I was really craving a Dr. Pepper from McDonalds, so I got one. When I gave up sodas I started drinking a lot of sweet tea- a lot. Well, thats not exactly MUCH better than sodas. So now, my general rule is to drink water over the course of the day and have something different with lunch- so tea or soda or whatever and yes I am allowed to cheat occasionally. I am even starting to enjoy the tastelessness that is water- who would have ever thought?! That explains my drinking habits but not my eating habits.
Food= fuel. But not all food is GOOD fuel. No, I am not perfect, I ate a milky way as I walked out the door for my run yesterday, but I am getting better. Breakfast- I eat cereal. I get bored with sticking to the same cereal all the time though, so I switch up the cereals as I go along and I am allowed any cereal. Lunch- I try to eat fairly healthy, but sometimes I splurge. Like today, I went to Mr. Gatti's and had some ridiculous amount of pizza and it was SO FREAKIN good. And then for dinner I had a pear and a greek yogurt. So you see, I have small-ish breakfasts and dinners and then lunch is kind of whatever.
Is it working? I dont know yet, I figure really, it ought to be a gradual weight loss.
Will I stick to this plan like a dairy farmer milks his cows? Hell no. I am human, I want to be healthy, but sometimes not being healthy is so freakin fun. I am not going to have my life run by my goal weight and how far away I am- that ISNT healthy. I am however, hoping that little changes can become habits and that overall I will be a healthier person because of those little changes.

Summer Sundays.

Last night I slept with the tv on... I turned on one of my favorite chick flicks and then fell asleep in the middle of it and so accidentally slept with the tv on... and then this morning I was super nostalgic.
I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning and it made me want to go visit my grandma- my dad's mom. And then I realized that she's dead, and has been for almost 5 years now. So then I remembered visiting her on beautiful Sunday's like today. I remembered visits from when I was a kid and my brothers still lived at home- I would fall asleep in the back of the car and then because they didnt want me sleeping on their shoulder they would play ping pong with my head- eventually I learned how to sleep with my head straight back against the car seat.
I remembered visits where we played cards, when we got Wendy's to eat on the way to her house, the drive, the happiness that I associate with her and her house. I remembered times where she played cards with me, times when she watched me and my brothers and we had Red Baron personal pizzas. I remembered drinking root beer at her house and how her fridge always had sodas and Breyer's yogurt.
And then I remembered the last time I went to her house: It was a beautiful Sunday in August. But we couldnt get ahold of her on the phone and when we got there she didnt come to the door. She had fallen wasnt able to pull herself up and her phones were all up high. I had to call 911 and then we followed the ambulance to the hospital. She lived another year after that, and there are days, like today, where I miss her so very much, but mostly I think of her looking down on me, and I hope, desperately hope that she is proud of the person I am and the paths that I have chosen.

Then after I had all this nostalgia, we get the phone call that my other grandma, my mom's mom has been in a wreck. She was fine- thank goodness, but her car burst into flames and was totaled.
So today was very interesting, but at the end of the day, I am thankful to have gotten 18 years with my dad's mom and more with my other grandma. I probably dont tell her enough, but I love her and she is one absolutely amazing woman. Hopefully I get several more years with her, and if I am really lucky my kids will get to meet her. And maybe, just maybe it was Grandma C watching over Grandma A today.

May Splurge

May was a whole month of splurging for me. I called it the month you may splurge. :)
Now, I didnt go CRAZY and like buy a new car or house or anything like that but anything that I found in my day to day life that I wanted, I bought.
I bought plane tickets to DC, new luggage FOR DC, a new tea maker, some clothes, some shoes, some music... you get the point.
Well, the interesting thing that came about my little experiment was that though I was buying pretty much everything my little heart desired, I was still living within my means. Now, normally a put a nice chunk of my paycheck into savings and I didnt do that in May, nope didnt put a single cent into savings but I also didnt run up a big credit card bill.
I find this interesting and exciting.
Now, May Splurge is over and its time to go back to saving my money, because at some point I want to move out of my parents house... and I want to have a pretty nice penny saved up! :)

Brighter than the Sun

Its a Colbie Caillat song that I absolutely love.
I bought it, the Lady Antebellum "Own the Night" cd, and a few other songs- I cannot CANNOT stop listening to them all! They are wonder, amazing, fantastic. Oh my goodness.

Ok. So I sat down to write a wonderful, inspiring blog post, but I am getting thoroughly distracted by "One Day" and therefore all the magic that I was going to write is now gone.

Smile everyone, today was a great day! :)

A Memorial Day weekend to remember

I went to Washington DC this weekend. Most people think that I went to show a friend who has never been there around, in reality I went to see a guy. And I have sat down to blog about it 4 times now and I cant really find the words to say.
There are things that I know: I would do anything, go anywhere for this guy. I have known him for 8 years but have only seen him/spent time with him for a total of 4 and a half weeks. I have written about him here before, hes the one that always seems to pop up when something  is going wrong with other guys. lol. Hes a rock for me, always alright, cheerful and one of the best listeners. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I read WAY too much into the little things, but thats ok, because other than that I like to think that I am a fairly well adjusted person.
Obviously since I planned a trip to go see this guy I know that I like him, really like him, like would move to another country to be near him if it came to that just to be near him.
But, Ive never told him. I dont know if I've even hinted at it to him. I mean I know we have been a little flirty, but people are flirty all the time, that doesnt necessarily tell him "hey, if you told me to move to be closer to you so that we could perhaps see where this could go, no problem/"
Anyway, it had been 4 years and 2 months since I last saw him when I made this trip. And it didnt matter, I was still head over heels, got caught in his stare and I just was stunned. He totally had a smolder going on and I was caught in the flames. No, nothing happened, but I honestly feel like it was close, really close. I could be wrong, but he thought that I was going to be there for a week, and I was only there for 3 nights. He was SO very disheartened at the fact that I wasnt going to be there for a full week that it read into it that something probably would have happened. And then my friend was helpful, really helpful, too helpful. First of all, Im shy when it comes to guys and second of all I am far more shy when there are extra people! Not only was MY friend there, he had a friend there. Oh well. I mean I know that it wasnt meant to be, at least not this past time, and perhaps this was the perfect set up for the next time- and I am going to do everything in my power to make sure we dont have to wait 4 years to see one another again.
And while there were lots of Jessie melts moments over the course of the weekend, I think the one will stick with me forever is the goodbye.
So we get into the car- he was our chauffeur for the whole time we were there- and he asks which airport hes taking us to. Airport? No, take us to the metro, we will get to the airport. He tried again "which airport". So, I was like, alright this could be good, and I said "Reagan." To which he said "Thats in Virginia!" and I responded with then take us to the metro. Then he asked if it was really alright to just take us to the metro. Yes, its really ok.
OK so we get to the metro and he parks- leaving the car on. My friend and I get our luggage and while we are doing that he goes back to get the keys. Once we have our luggage I go to give him a hug and he says "No, I'll walk you in." Oh, ok!! So we walk in. We are mostly quiet but the station isnt exactly quiet. Anyway, the whole way down I'm thinking, I should grab his hand or maybe he will grab mine. Yea, no such luck. Then he waits as my friend and I get our metro tickets to the airport. OK. Time for the goodbye. We walk over to where you put your metro card in so that you, the passenger, are no longer a part of the general public. He hugged me, ok, thats fine. He hugged Katrina- thats to be expected. But then, then he held his arms out to hug me again. Whoa, wasnt expecting that. And my heart started racing, and I thought he might kiss me. But he didnt, and I didnt say what I had spent the whole night before thinking of: "You know, I made this trip just to see you." No, it was just another hug- but, and maybe I am making it up because I want it to be true, but then again maybe not, but there was something different about this second hug. I felt it all the way down to my bones. There was a shift. So my friend and I go through with our tickets and we head to the train, but I turn around one more time and wave. And thats it.
There are so many things that I could have done different, but I didnt. And I know its not really good to look back on that but I know I will for a while.
And what I will remember most is the fire that I felt when he looked at me- he smoldered remember? And I totally fell right in to it! The second hug too- it will be with me for a long time to come- and if you have read ANY of my posts you know how long I hold on to things! (Even knowing its not necessarily the healthiest thing.)
This isnt the end of our story- the story of this guy and me, at least I'm choosing to believe that it isnt the end. Theres more to come, and unfortunately- or fortunately, I think the next chapter is him joining the Army. He says he wants to be sent to Fort KaBoomBoom (Knox) here, you know, 10 miles from where I live and man that would be AWESOME. But I know the chances of that actually happening are slim to none. And because of that I have made the executive decision that- as long as he keeps me informed and its plausible for me to go (ie NOT on April 14)- I will go to his graduation ceremony or any ceremony that he has with the Army, if nothing else to show my support. Lastly, yes, I am aware that this could all end badly, but I have held on hope to be with this guy for 8 years- if not to be with him with him, at least to spend more time with him- and so far it has happened pretty nicely. I hope for more to come- and maybe you will hope with me!! :)
Goodnight friends.

Saying Goodbye

Tonight we had to put down one of our cats. And by our cats I mean my cats.
Kallie. She was an annoying demanding little calico cat that peed on everything- though it wasnt TOTALLY her fault. She was in kidney failure and she was super, super anemic. So instead of waiting for her to get sick and painful, we let her have a good last few days and put her down when she was still able to enjoy life.
Some people might think thats wrong, but waiting for her to get sick would just be selfish on my part.
I cried, though, of course. I loved that cat, it turns out, really loved her.
I will miss her photobombing all of my random pictures. I will miss her annoying meow. And I will miss her randomly sniffing my eyelids- I kid you not. She also liked licking plastic, like plastic Kroger bags. She was not a super lovey dovey cat, but I would often wake up in the morning to find her curled up somewhere near my head. And she purred when I petted her, a chirp-y purr that was totally endearing.
She wasnt even my cat to start with, she was my brother's cat, but she didnt like his wife- he got the cat when he was with a different woman, and I think, personally, Kallie didnt like that he switched women, even if the rest of us did.
When he brought her home, she was pregnant. So we let her have the kittens. 3 orange and whites and a black and white, if I remember right. Then we spayed and declawed her- which is why when she started peeing on everything she didnt get thrown out like the rest of the cats. When my brother moved out, he took her with him, but she started peeing in inappropriate places, so he brought her back. Because I lived in what was his room, she became my cat, and we formed a nice bond.
Euthanizing one of our pets is always hard, and when I am bonded to it, its harder, but Ms. Kallie had a good long life where she was loved and treated right- not every cat, or hell even human can say that for their lives, and so I am confident that she is in kitty heaven somewhere annoying the humans with her demanding wife-y meow- that I personally, became fond of, most days. hah.
So, if you are reading this, give your animals an extra hug tonight, they deserve to feel loved- every one does.
Goodnight friends.

23 on the 23rd.

And I happened to look at the clock at 4:23, so I made a wish. :)
This birthday was one that I have been looking forward to, I just felt like there was something special about being 23 on the 23rd.
And, get this, I didnt cry today. Its kind of awesome.
In fact my day was super laid back and the only people in my life that I really had face time with were my mom and dad. Some people may not have been satisfied with the simplicity of my day, but for me, it was actually kind of perfect.
My day went like this: I got up and ran some errands and did some nice birthday shopping. Then I had lunch with my momma. After that I came home and relaxed for the rest of the afternoon until my parents got home, we had dinner of ham steak and cornbread. Then mom baked me a heart shaped cake, and she and my dad came out of the kitchen singing to me.
Nothing about my day was actually planned, and I think thats what made it so wonderful.

I wish that others in my life could appreciate the simplicity that made this birthday special. I dont think it would even occur to my sister-in-laws to not plan out a birthday, to just let things happen, but hey, they get to live their lives and I get to live mine.

Its like riding a bike...

So, its my birthday, officially in Eastern Standard time as of 2 minutes, make that 3 minutes ago.
Last week as an early birthday present my mom gave me the means with which to buy myself a new bicycle. It was pretty exciting- yes, I do have the heart of an 10-12 year old, but it was also a little scary. See, I havent been on a bicycle in probably about 10 years, and I dont think I ever really recovered and was comfortable on a bike after my wreck.
Cue the bike wreck story:
Once upon a time, my best friend, neighbor and person who was like my sister and I went for a ride. I had a pretty sweet bicycle that I had gotten, maybe even as a birthday present, and it was lime green and royal blue, I think it was a boys bike but I loved that thing, I rode it quite frequently. But on this particular day we went out to the bus stop but then turned left and went another half mile or so down the road. We get to the top of the big hill and I tell N "I dont want to ride my bike down the hill, its too big and Im kind of afraid I will wreck." She said "Jessie, dont be such a chicken, its just a hill, dont worry about it, just use your brakes and go slow."
So we start down the big scary hill. My handle bars start shaking, violently. And the next thing I know I am more than halfway down the hill face down with my bike about 5 feet away from me and N is asking me if I am alright. I get up to find both knees skinned, 2 nice injuries to my right hand, my left elbow has a huge chunk skin missing and my right elbow is skinned a little bit. I wasnt wearing a helmet- at least I dont think I was, but my head seemed to be fine. And later I would discover a massive bruise on my left hip, from what we figured, the bike landed on me and bounced? who knows. Anyway, we are over a mile from my house and even further from N's, we dont know many of these neighbors but we do know the P's who live right near our bus stop. My bike's front tire was almost folded in half and there was nothing to do but leave it on the side of the road as we went for help. That right, I walked a half mile with super sore knees, bleeding elbows and a bleeding wrist. That walk seemed like it took F-O-R-E-V-E-R, but eventually we made it to the P's and Momma P fixed me up while Daddy P took his car to retrieve my bike. They then drove me home and that was that.
The only problem being that I didnt get back on the bike and now big hills REALLY terrified me. It didnt help at all that our driveway is a big hill. My bike was out of commission, and I think that made me sadder than anything. I would occasionally ride on mom or dad's bikes but they just werent as cool as my bike, and I didnt feel very safe on them.
Fast forward 9ish years and I decide I want to get back on a bike. Fast forward another year and I finally get a new bike.
Now, now I am in my 20's, riding a bike shouldnt be a big deal, but its kind of terrifying. I know I want to ride a bike and get good at it and use it as a form of exercising BUT Im kind of terrified of wrecking. I have been on 3 rides and its been a strange mix of emotions each time. I am excited and happy to get out, feel the wind on my cheeks and be riding a bicycle, but on the other hand, Im not very stable on my bike. I havent wrecked, yet, but I just feel wobbly.
Moral of the story: I am kind of terrified of my new bike, and wrecking, but Im facing that fear head on each time I get on the bike. Perhaps, though, I should buy a helmet... you know take measures to prevent brain damage should I actually wreck. :)

They said "I do"

A friend got married yesterday.
That whole thing called a wedding seems to be happening to a lot of my friends lately- I suppose thats what happens when you are in your twenties.
And with each wedding I go to, I ponder my own future wedding, assuming that I actually get to have a wedding.
If I am with my parents at a wedding we often end up discussing the size of the guest list, and this is what we know, my wedding is either going to be huge or nope, theres no or, its going to be a big one. And I dont even know who the groom is going to be yet. Hah. Poor guy!
I love the idea of weddings but Im kind of actually a bad wedding guest, I am no good at participating in the festivities, other than going to the wedding and eating the cake!
Anyway. I am not one to dream about my possible future wedding all the time, but there are moments in my life when I think about it, almost obsessively.
I know my colors and the type of venue that I want. But theres one thing that I find a little funny: with each guy that I like, like really like, I come up with a different wedding date. I know, thats a little strange, but at the same time its kind of hilarious.
I hope that I do get to have my wedding someday, but not just a wedding, but a marriage with a person who who will be my partner and companion.
Maybe, if I am lucky, I will get to share the special day with my Payton- yes, I am planning for my dog to be a part of my wedding. :)

That moment when

I chose to drink water over soda.
That happened today. Ive been refraining from sodas during the week for the past 3 weeks now and I have almost caved so many times, especially with the stress of tax season but Saturdays and Sundays are soda days and today I grabbed a water to drink instead of my favorite soda, Mello Yello.
Maybe I am changing my ways, one day at a time, one choice at a time.
Also, I've lost 5 pounds, coincidence? I think not.
Its the little things like this that make me happy.

Choosing water, not texting J... this has been a nice week for little changes that are actually huge from my perspective.

May you have your small victories and celebrate them too.

Proud of myself.

So, 1 year ago today J's nephews were born. And I really wanted to text him today, reach out and have that contact again.
But I didnt.
Thats right, I finally made that step where I decided that my life is pretty good just the way it is and I have been down that road 3 times now, I dont need to do it again, thanks.

Yes, friends, I can feel you ALL cheering.
Truth be told, I am cheering too, its kind of a wonderful thing- i think. :)

Brighter than the sun

Its a Colbie Caillet song.

And I woke up singing it this Easter morning. It made my whole day a happy one, especially when I paired the song with my new yellow shirt!
Today was one of my favorite Easters and I cant even explain why it was, it was just a wonderful day.
Unrelated:
As a kid, like any other kid, I wanted a younger sibling, but I knew that my mom had a really difficult pregnancy with me so I didnt want her to have to go through another one. Therefore, I came to the logical decision that my parents should adopt a kid, and that way mom didnt have to go through another pregnancy and I could be a big sister. Obviously, my parents didnt adopt, but that just made me want to adopt so much more. I cant explain it but since I was probably about 7 years old I have wanted to make adoption a part of my life.
For some reason, perhaps its all the young kids that my current coworkers have, I have thought about adoption almost constantly for the past week or two. I know that I am not in a place right now to adopt, but I decided that I want to make sure I know the process that I am going to have to go through.
And for those of you thinking that I dont have control of my life, I know that, but I also think it doesnt hurt to plan, even if it never works the way you think it will.
So last night as I was looking at the process of adoption from another country, I made the decision on which countries I would like to adopt from. I would like to adopt from South Africa- they allow same sex couples adopt (one of the only countries that I saw that allow that) and India- but you have to be at least 30.
Other interesting pieces of information about adoption that I learned. Some countries require that you have some sort of residency as you go through the adoption, some dont care (South Africa) and others insist that you live in that country permanently (Italy) others just want you to be there a little while (India insists on a week of living with the prospective adoptive child).
There are rules not only from each country but also what state you live in. And so far I've found no place where the rules are the same!
There are age limits, some places just require you to be 18 (South Africa), while others require you to be 30 (India). Some places say there can be no more than 43 years between you and the adoptive child and some say that if you are a couple adopting your combined age cannot be over 90 years.
Some countries allow only married people to adopt and they even have rules on how long a couple has to be married before they can adopt- some places its 3 years, others its 5. Some people allow single people to adopt and a lot of places DONT let single men adopt.
There is also something called the Hague convention which sets up standards for intercountry adoptions.
So obviously I have just scratched the surface but I am excited, terrified, and hope that I actually get to go on the journey of adoption.
But again, you dont have to remind me that life doesnt always go as planned, why not? Because I planned to get married at age 23. And while technically I still have 12 months and 15 days to make that happen I just dont see it actually happening. I also planned on having passed all my CPA exams by now (I havent passed 1). So I really get that life doesnt happen the way one might plan for it to, and sometimes you just gotta give yourself more time, but that wont stop me from planning!
Depending on which life track that I get to take, I hope to adopt sometime between the ages of 25 and 30. If I manage to find a man to marry Im fairly certain that I could be convinced to push those ages back just a little bit. But the bottom line is that already, 15 days shy of my 23rd birthday Im feeling the pull to become a mom- even though, logically I know its AT LEAST 3 years away. Yes, I know I just said that I may try to adopt when I am 25 and thats 2 years away but lets be honest and know that the process will likely take more than a year and so while I may start the process when I am 25 I'll likely not actually have a kid til I am 26.
Just throwing this out there, but for a long time, I wanted to be married at 23 and have my first kid at 25 and lets be honest now, it will be a HUGE, mega, ohmygosh surprise if I have a kid before I am 26.
Ok, so hows that for shaking up my normal posts? hah.

Phases.

If you know anything about me, its that I go through phases. Times where I blog a lot, and times when I rarely blog. Things like that.
So my current phase is phase all about S.
Hopes and dreams and all that jazz. I just wanna see him again soon. Its been too long.

I wanna run away..

Not in a bad way... I just want to try something new, different, completely out of my comfort zone.
I wanna move to Washington DC and go to grad school.
Tonight, I start on that journey.
Not physically, just mentally.
I start my plan: take and PASS the CPA exams, take the GMAT, get into grad school, find a part time job, find a place to live, go to grad school at a place that is literally down the street from where my mother grew up.
It feels right, so now I just have to actually work at it, and achieve my goals, dreams, etc.

Also, completely unrelated, there was an anesthesia board meeting at the place where I work tonight, Im really thinking that marrying an anesthesiologist wouldnt be too terrible. And no I didnt need spell check to help me spell that! :) Fun fact 93: When I was 10 I wanted to be an anesthesiologist, for 2 reasons 1. it was fun to say and 2. starting salary was $100,000

Sappy country songs are my life.

Its true, country songs can make me cry and I can relate to too many of them.

In other news, it really bothers me that I have 5 followers on this blog but when I click, it only shows me 4 people. Number 5, who are you?

Things I havent told you-the blogging world:
1. I have 6 chicks growing up in a cage that I built, in my room. Someday soon I really need to get them an outside cage, but Im working 10 hour days 6 days a week and theres no time to fix the outside cage, so inside they stay. And they chirp and are mostly endearing, except when the chirping wakes me up and I want to scream at them, but I do my best mother hen voice and ask them nicely to be quiet because I have to get up to go to work and I want my last 20 minutes of sleep.
2. Im starting an ewe adventure Sunday. I am getting 2 ewe lambs, a black one and a white one. Im going to be totally original and name them Ebony and Ivory. And every time that I say those names, I am reminded of the movie Racing Stripes when the fly starts singing that song at the racetrack. If you havent seen Racing Stripes, its a good one to watch with a 4 year old, its cute. I really enjoyed it, but Im just 4 years old, or something.
3. I need more synonyms for "wonderful" I go to work and whenever anyone asks me how I am I tell them I am "wonderful" but thats getting old. I have also used "fantastic" and I am currently on a "stellar" kick, but I need more words!
4. In an effort to be more conscious of my eating habits I have cut sodas out of my diet during the week. Its easier during the week, than the weekend, go figure. Anyway, week one was a pretty good success, I drank a lot of sweet tea, but no sodas and even on the weekend I had a total of 4 sodas... which for me, is not TOO terribly bad. Its not great, but its not bad. The next challenge is tomorrow I am going to try to drink nothing but water! We shall see how THAT works out.
5. Work wise, I am in one of the most bizarre places... not physically. No, I have a good job at a place where I love all the people BUT, I dont know if I will have a job come April 18th.

Alrighty, well Im exhausted... I am going to bed goodnight friends and mysterious number 5.

Dancing away with my heart

We have now passed the 3 year non-iversary. It was a pretty average day.
Im still thinking of J every day. My thoughts are becoming more happy, we were friend thoughts and becoming less of the heartbroken, sorrowful, I lost this boy out of my life thoughts.
Its funny I gave my new co-workers a quick recap of my and J's dance of not actually becoming more than friends and they were like "maybe hes not out of your life forever". That gave me pause. First I thought "omg what if they are right, what if hes not out of my life, I dont know if I can handle him potentially breaking my heart again." And then, I was like "Ok, what if hes not permanently out of my life, this could be interesting, maybe we really were the right people at the wrong time." And then I went on with my day. Thats the blessing of where I am now, I think about J but mostly its in passing and not really something that I dwell over for hours out of my day.
As for J, hes recently changed jobs, PetSmart now instead of Tractor Supply... and forgive me, but PetSmart is less of a turn on so to speak. I loved that he worked at Tractor Supply, I loved that he drove a Jeep Wrangler, and now neither of those things are true! Yea, so Im kinda shallow, Im human, its allowed! :)
Anyway, he also is recently out of a relationship with a one Ms. Cat. Not kidding Kitty Cat is the ex's name. It makes me giggle a little bit that he doesnt hold relationships very long, and usually hes only with someone when he and I arent on speaking terms. No, I havent contacted him, nor has he contacted me, but now Im kind of prepared for that whole what if hes not out of my life forever idea.
SO universe... I am ready, for whatever my future brings, J or no J.
Also, I think that the fact that I have a job that is slowly starting to completely consume my life makes it easier to live in the moment.
So, J if you read this, still, I hope that you are doing well and that you are happy.

Home, Just A Kiss, Cowboy Cassanova

Those were the songs that I heard coming home from Tractor Supply tonight, while my thoughts were consumed by that J person. (Pretty sure I got home just by autopilot, thats how focused I was on "him")

Its gonna be a long month, I think. The non-iversary month, as Im going to call it, and feel free to roll your eyes, sigh loudly, and move on... which is something that I wish I could do, but I havent- yet.

I still miss him. Obviously. And its taking every ounce of my willpower to NOT text him today.

No February and now March

My life has changed in the past year, big time. I mean there have been subtle little changes, and larger more life altering changes. And yet, theres that one person, who is no longer in my life, that I keep thinking about. That I keep wanting to talk to. And I KNOW hes out of my life, and it is for the better, but that doesnt mean I have to be happy about it every second of every day. Im allowed to think that it sucks now and then. And Im also allowed to laugh at myself when the moment that Im thinking about him the hardest the radio comes on with a song that says, more or less, "I know you miss him, but he aint worth missing."
Hah, isnt that the truth?
Deep sigh.
Life goes on. Even happily ever after. And still I want the idea of him. Thats it. I dont even know if hes the same person that I originally fell for 3 years ago- I am inclined to say that hes not, but still the idea that I have in my head of him is amazing. Wonderful, and just makes me smile. Hopefully the next guy that really catches my fancy will be better, will eradicate this guy for good. Im not saying I want to forget the memories because they are a part of me, like the scars from my bike wreck, these memories have a part in making me who I am today. But on the other hand, I need to live in the present and look forward to the future and let the past be the past. No pining, no whining, just fun, just done.

Things that arent helping me right now?
1. The fact that Lady Antebellum keeps writing songs that remind me of him. Their latest: Dancin Away with my heart has the following lyrics:


I haven't seen you in ages 
Sometimes I find myself
wondering where you are
for me you'll always be 18 
and beautiful and dancing away with my heart

I brushed your curls back so I could see your eyes
And the way you moved me was like you were in my mind
I can still feel you lean into kiss me
I can't help but wonder if you ever miss me


OK... So I didnt know him when I was 18, and we never "danced" but the other parts pretty much speak truths.

2. Our non-iversary is coming up. Yep March 21. And we all know how I get weak in March and reach out to him. So this is my goal: DONT DO IT JESSIE. DONT TEXT HIM DONT REACH OUT TO HIM! So far, so good. But then we are only on day 7 of March... 21 more days to go!

I am sorry I circled back to "him" but when I talk about him here, I dont feel guilty. I just dont talk about him in person, in public anymore- and thats ok... but I need to get out my comments, thoughts etc, somewhere!

They say time heals all wounds.

And so my J wound is healing.

Its not perfect, because life isnt perfect, there are some ragged edges still left to smooth over, but for the most part the tear in my heart from that J person is slowly healing. 

Like any wound to the flesh, Ive had to cut off the dead parts and let the good parts come together and heal. Plain and simple: heal. 

If you arent someone who prescribes to that form of imagery let me explain. 

Its like our relationship was a tv series that was finished at the climax which lead to a cliffhanger. The big kiss and then: will they or wont they. But thats when the show was ripped off the air. There was no resolution, some half promises from network executives and some big blow up in the tabloids but really the poor tv show was done.
I was listening to some Lady Antebellum tonight, which kind of always prompts thoughts of J. And when I was thinking of him, I realized that the force of memories isnt so painful. That while the really great memories are somewhat lost in the cloud that is J, they are there and they will emerge as I need them.

On the other hand.. I love my life situation as it is now... for the most part. I love being able to see my family whenever, I love my job, and the people that I work with, my life, its just starting. I am lucky, so lucky to be where I am today, and I am grateful for all the gifts throughout my life. Having said all this, my biggest hope now is to 1. stay at the firm where I work now and 2. own my own house by my 25th birthday- I've got just more than 2 years.

One last piece of business... for those of you who might read this on a regular basis, this is your only warning that I will likely be going off the social networking grid for a few weeks, who knows I might get a wild hair and limit more than just my social networking. It didnt seem fair to not warn anyone, so this, this is your warning, and if you dont see it, not my problem. Love you all! 

Life and Death

My Uncle passed away in the wee hours of the morning yesterday morning. He was just 65 years old, had literally just had cataract surgery done and was so excited that he could finally see the tv without having to wear glasses for the first time since he was 15. And while the actual death was sudden, it wasnt totally a shock. But regardless, its death, and its somewhat harrowing- no matter how many times you've had to deal with it.
Yesterday was hard for me. I got the news about his passing at 2:30 am. At 6:30 I was up and by 8 I was at work. I had my crap pulled together but I was literally shaking, and I was only going through the motions of work. By 8:30 someone asked me if I was ok- which was my undoing- because I wasnt ok, and I am not exactly the best emotional actress. I lost it, and anyone who saw me, saw that I had lost it... I spent the entire day working to keep from crying. And then when I got home, I just cried... let out as much as I could. That helped... obviously what I needed was just to let go, let myself cry, and be done with it all.

I dont think I ever really gave myself permission to mourn for my grandma when she passed 4 and a half years ago.And considering this was her son, I think I took it extra hard. When grandma died I was still transitioning from home to Transy and I had all these new people that I didnt REALLY know, and who didnt REALLY know me. What was I supposed to do, sit there and cry in the cafeteria? No thanks. I remember telling these new people and then just going up to my room and not even really crying, but sitting there like a lost puppy. What was I supposed to do, who was I supposed to tell?

As the week has progressed (as I write this part of the post its Thursday evening- and I started the post on Wednesday) I have noticed my demeanor and attitude and my environment. Tuesday I was a wreck, I pulled it together most of the day while I was at work, but really, I was a wreck. Wednesday I had compartmentalized it and went to work to do my job and be with those people and everything went well- I even cracked a joke about his death I told someone he just keeled over. After work, my brother and his family came over and the girls wanted to play the game of Life, so thats what we did. It was entertaining and soothing to just be with family. After the game was over we sat around and told stories, and it was an easy, nice banter. Today, Thursday I had my 4th CPA exam. So I got up, went and took it, then took my car to get an oil change and the tires rotated and balanced and then spent the rest of the day at home- kind of doing nothing, well except taxes. I did my taxes today! Tomorrow is the visitation and funeral and then people are coming to our house afterwards. And while I appreciate the gathering of family and maybe some close friends, really, I want nothing more than to come home and be alone.

Being alone, that brings up whole other issues in life, because to me, being alone is both comforting and terrifying. I like not having to answer to anyone, not having to entertain anyone, just being responsible for me. But when something like this happens, I want someone to be the shoulder for me to cry one. The strong presence in my life, someone to make sure I dont fall onto my knees in a big, muddy puddle. And I dont have that, the only person that keeps me upright is me. My brother said that the after funeral gathering is just family hanging out, but what he doesnt know is that being with family for me, is so lonesome. When family is around I am surrounded by people who love each other (and me) and who are paired off. And yes, I know they love me and support me but they have their own individual units that they have to take care of- I dont fit into any one of those units, not really, not anymore. I would rather be by myself tomorrow after the funeral than be alone in a house full of people. I know, thats selfish- and thats also why I said nothing about the proposal, but I may have to run away at some point.

And then, not related to death at all, not really... is my job. I love my job. I love the location, the size, the work, but most of all I love the people. They are my current biggest support system. I feel them holding me up, helping me stay on my feet, and that, thats the best gift that anyone could give me right now. Well, support or flowers because for some reason I really want flowers- even though I know they are a longshot- a girl can dream, right?!

In closing: I hope you all take an extra minute or two to be thankful for your blessings, I hope you can acknowledge the things that trouble you- whatever they may be, and I hope that you keep your strength through all of life's curve balls.

One last thing: hug someone. You can get all the air hugs and virtual hugs in the world, but they dont compare to the real thing- to having the support, even if its momentary from someone else.

Goodnight everyone.

Less than stellar

In many of my  "remembering when" times dealing with that J person I remember the good things and overlook the bad things- shame one me.
Tonight, I remember both, but more the bad things. Yea, yea, I can hear the cheers now from those who may be reading this. That and the exclamations of "FINALLY".
So here goes. While I still remember the good times and would love to live every moment of my romantic life the way that I lived those moments, there were times, and they happened more frequently than not when I was frustrated with J. Seriously. I didnt know what to do, say or think because of the things that he said or the way that he said those things. Life was just so confusing when we werent face to face, and I didnt deserve that.
As per my usual with this J person, a Lady Antebellum song can sum it up pretty well
"Not knowing in that moment we'd never speak again but it was perfect; I never will forget when we owned the night."
So its not completely true to my story, but thats because it isnt my story. But substitute speak for see each other and its perfect. Though technically I suppose the argument could be made that I might see him again some day.
You know, the only thing that we ever got right was the face to face meetings, talkings, and interactions. The rest of it, which was in fact about 90 percent of our relationship, or lack thereof, was via texting or the occasional phone call.
He told me that I calmed him down. He told me that I didnt know the effect that I had on him. But he could never tell me how I calmed him down or what the effect that I had on him was. All I got out of him was half truths, lots of ifs, ands and buts, and no real substance. You would think that if someone meant that much to them you would fight more to keep them in your life. And I could be totally reaching the wrong conclusion here, BUT, in many aspects I got the impression that he didnt feel like he was good enough for me. I have two "answers" for that: 1. Isn't it MY decision who I am too good for and who I'm not? Have you not seen my parents. My mom graduated from an ivy league college and my dad didnt even finish college. and 2. Seems to me that when you are friends with someone who you feel is too good for you, you do everything in your power to keep that friendship alive, because maybe just maybe they need someone like you in their life.  Its not to give them an ego boost, but to give yourself one, because if they continue to be your friend that means that you may be better than you think you are.
Back to the original subject:
When you have a sucky non-person-to-person relationship that face-to-face time is going to take a beating and perhaps get overshadowed by the other crap. And while that wasnt exactly the case for me- because no matter what the idiot did I wanted to see him just one more time.
I think I can count the number of times that I saw him on my fingers and some toes (party March 20, movie Fast And Furious, TSC taking K, my birthday 4/22-23, end of school 5-19/20, wedding 6-6, April trip to TSC, week before birthday 9-30, birthday 10-7, TSC Nich.- 3-4 times 1 for event, 1 with nieces, and maybe 1-2 more, and then May 26th- The Kiss) Thats it, that is every time that I have seen the guy, and yet I spent 2 YEARS wanting him in my life more, wanting him to want me, wanting a real relationship with him. In those 2 years I saw him through work issues, a bad girlfriend, the birth of Nephews, a car wreck and various other things.
And in an effort to be fair, he saw me through a few things too, mostly, my insecurities.
This is the moment where I am sad that the friendship we had through March-June 2009 is gone. Because during that time, he was a great friend to me. Things then heated up so to speak and we- yes we- didnt handle them well... unless we were in the same place at the same time, which almost never happened.
Am I glad that "we owned the night"? Yes.  Would I change the experiences and the way that they have helped to change me? No. Do I want to start that process all over again, talk to him? No. But do I wish that we had a friendship that stood the tale of time? Yes.
I dont know where my life will take me from here, and thats ok, I dont need to know.
What I do know is that the mistakes that I made, the insecurities that I had, they were building blocks for the lessons that I learned.
And in the end, it doesnt even matter.
In the end, this moment, I am happier than I have ever been in life, and it has nothing to do with a boy or man.
In this moment,  I am happy because I am on the right track to live my dream. A dream that developed as I did. And will continue to develop, I am sure.
Now, to convince some person to send flowers to me.... haha, perhaps that a challenge for a different day.
Goodnight world- remember your blessings.

New Year, new me? *updated*

It was unintentional. I didnt make a resolution. And its not like I flipped a switch and BAM it was different. But I have realized over the last couple of weeks that there have been a lot of changes in my life. And suddenly May isn't as magical in my mind as I made it out to be for the last 7 or so months. No, this is MY time.
Here are some of the changes that I have done:
-changed my name (on fb)
-changed my hair
-changed my job
-drove to Lex in the dark, by myself, for the first time, ever
-changed my mindset
-changed my life.
Unfortunately I have no control over my heart, but thats ok, I dont think much more change would go over well.
Let me explain.

Professionally I decided to go by my full given name. And then I decided that I might want to be "friends" with my co-workers but "ie" was less professional than "ica" so I made it fb official. The funny thing is that I went back to Transy the other night for a basketball game, and people called me "ie" and I was like, "what? who are you talking about?" I find it super amusing. On the other hand introducing myself as "ica" rather than "ie" is SUPER strange. Funny huh? (I thought so).

In October I went from brunette to redhead, it was amazing. I felt different as a redhead, bold, dangerous. But then I got a job, and my roots were starting to show, so I went back to brunette but it didnt totally cover the red, and so now I just feel secretly dangerous. I love it. And I told myself that I can be a seasonal redhead/brunette. Tax season= brunette (more professional)  and summer/fall= redhead (fun-loving!) haha.

I graduated in May, I had the degree. That college degree that everyone says you need to land a job, and I had no job. No bites even, until September. Then 3 interviews. Then nothing. Til December. Then 2 job offers in 2 days and THEN the ok to be a substitute teacher. Talk about living in the fast lane. I always said I didnt have to accept the first offer, and that was true. I didnt have to accept it, but the first offer came from the firm that I wanted to work at. The one that I had decided in September was the place for me. I've been there 3 weeks now, and I love it. I love the people and I love the work. Hopefully tax season will be a positive experience.

I have been asked back to Transy to serve as the official bookkeeper for a game and so I went to a game to  make sure I knew all the things that I would need to know. One coach greeted me with a hug, another, with a great hand shake and surprise on his face. They won, which puts them 11-1. And it was wonderful, but the price that I paid for such happiness was dealing with the drive home, in the dark, by myself; something I had never done before. There was nothing special about the drive, other than it was something that I actively avoided while I was at Transy.

As for my mindset and my life... its every little change that makes a bigger difference. I feel that, deep in my bones and therefore I believe it.

But then, comes my heart. My feelings ebb and flow, they dismiss *that person* and then they pine away for him like nothing good will ever happen to me. Its just life, it will get better, I am and will be happy. I know this, but do you know how I know this? Because of that stretch from May-December. Life sucked then. Life, in general, rocks now. And while I could drop dead tomorrow, I dont think my story is done. There's still a lot of tread left on my tires even if sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride! :)
Enjoy, loves.

*Update*
What I forgot to mention the other day was my room! I painted not one but two new colors... and I started the process in September, I think... but I finished painting the last wall Jan 8... you know 3 months later! :)
Anyway, my point is that I've made a lot of interesting changes in my life and though they weren't necessarily planned as momentous changes, they kind of turned out that way, and I'm not complaining, not one bit.
Life is good.