So I am blessed with a family that loves me and supports me no matter what. There are only 5 males that I need in my life at this point- and thats my dad, my brothers and my 2 nephews. Sure its nice to be wanted by a guy thats my age, and I am not giving up hope, I am just screwing my head back on. The past 10 or so days I met the boy that has been mentioned in the past few posts and it was fun, he was nice, but ultimately hes not for me, and Im not for him, not romantically anyway. I think that whats best for me now is to be his friend- a nonjudgmentive friend that he can always turn to. So I am very thankful that the universe answered my call and that it reassured me that I can be wanted.
I know it doesnt seem as if my head was in the clouds during this whirlwind 10 days, but it was, I just also had the presence of mind to keep pushing through the clouds because I knew that there were things that I still needed to do, things that I still needed to see, even though there was this new and exciting boy in my life. What I have discovered is that I dont want to change myself for anyone, I am happy to be who I am, I love being me, and I would love for a guy to also share my happiness for life. I cant deal with guys that are constantly going through mood swings because I am generally and upbeat person and mood swings just rub one me until I want to break down- especially if they arent mine because I want to help people and if their moods are constantly moving back and forth between extremes then I cant help them the way that I want to. And maybe its a lesson that I cant always help people, but I can tell you that I will always try- if I think you are worth it! HAHA.
Next for me is the end of this semester and May term. There are less than 2 weeks left of class, then a week of finals and then a short 4 day break and then the 4 week term. Time is FLYING by! I registered for the classes that I will be taking in the fall this morning and I got everything that I wanted. Now, I just have to find something for the summer. And I may have to take macroeconomics over again. UGH- but I think it will be better over the summer, hopefully.
I guess thats it for now!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Bring your life to life: stop planning, start doing
Got some more Dove promises and the title refers to one of the messages I got.
And ya know? It kind of applies to me, I am always planning things out, sure I live the day to day of my life as it comes, but I am always planning for tomorrow, for the future, and Im not saying that it has to stop. But it might be a good idea to slow it down- because even as I plan I realize that its never gonna happen just the way I want it to. So heres to living just a little bit more in the present.
That being said, I shall talk about the boy, because he, in fact is in the present. lol. I become less and less confident that a romantic relationship will come from this- at least not until he is able to work through some personal hurdles, and until he tells me what they are theres not much that I can do other than be there for him, but I will promise that I will be there for him. I think that he has got to learn to trust again, I am fairly certain that his one bad experience hovers over him like a black cloud- kind of the way that mine does, but I am certain that his is a little more complex. I know what my issues are, I know even how to solve them, I just dont know when the will be solved. And you know a relationship takes a fair amount of trust, and willingness to let the other person in.
Yup, the old relstionship is definitely hovering around him like a black cloudm and he feels as if he missed out on some things- thus now he wants to go back and party. I wish him all the luck and I will be the friend- its what I am used to, its what I am good at- I just hope that he will understand that we are now friends, which means I wont forget about him and I will worry about him.
So thats it for now, goodnight!
And ya know? It kind of applies to me, I am always planning things out, sure I live the day to day of my life as it comes, but I am always planning for tomorrow, for the future, and Im not saying that it has to stop. But it might be a good idea to slow it down- because even as I plan I realize that its never gonna happen just the way I want it to. So heres to living just a little bit more in the present.
That being said, I shall talk about the boy, because he, in fact is in the present. lol. I become less and less confident that a romantic relationship will come from this- at least not until he is able to work through some personal hurdles, and until he tells me what they are theres not much that I can do other than be there for him, but I will promise that I will be there for him. I think that he has got to learn to trust again, I am fairly certain that his one bad experience hovers over him like a black cloud- kind of the way that mine does, but I am certain that his is a little more complex. I know what my issues are, I know even how to solve them, I just dont know when the will be solved. And you know a relationship takes a fair amount of trust, and willingness to let the other person in.
Yup, the old relstionship is definitely hovering around him like a black cloudm and he feels as if he missed out on some things- thus now he wants to go back and party. I wish him all the luck and I will be the friend- its what I am used to, its what I am good at- I just hope that he will understand that we are now friends, which means I wont forget about him and I will worry about him.
So thats it for now, goodnight!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sleeping, or lack thereof
This past week has been whirlwind for me. And through it all I feel pretty grounded. Started with the party that I went to not two days ago Friday, but a week and two days ago. I went so that I could make sure my friend got home safe, and wasnt going to be driven home by a guy that was going to drink. And at that party I met a guy that has given me the time of day. We have been texting almost constantly, and he has come up and stayed at Transy- twice. I gotta say, sleeping in someone's arms all night is much better than I ever could have imagined, even if I dont get much sleep. And that sounds bad, but really nothing has happened. This guy is giving me the space and time that I need to wrap my head around being, hmm, I guess the best word to use here is wanted.
At this point we are just friends, and we both have some feelings, issues, and past experiences to work out before anything could happen. But while getting these things figured out, I think anyway, that we have each other's backs. I will admit that I am not the perfect, dorm room hostess and that I get kind of flustered, and quiet, very quiet, but I think I am making progress.
Kind of the funny side to all this, was mom calling this morning, while the boy and I were at Panera, and she was talking about shirts to get me from her trip, and apparently I was giggling. She called back later to ask why I was giggling, I told her that the boy was making fun of the situation. So she asked if he had stayed the night and I said, yes (I'm not gonna lie to my mom!) and she asked if there was anything that I wanted to tell her, to which I said no. Now the kind of funny thing was that this conversation was going on while I was still out driving with the boy. (Yup, gonna keep refering to him as the boy, those who are close know who he is, and I dont really like using names on this blog.) And so mom said that she was gonna call dad. So she got off the phone with me, I turned to the boy and said shes gonna call dad. He asked if I was worried, and I said no, dad is just gonna call my brothers and I dont think they are gonna do anything. By the time that I got back to my room, both brothers had texted me, as well as my dad. Everyone was a little questioning at first, but then almost unanimously they said that they were happy for me. Hope they know that this may not turn into a relationship, but I dont think that matters too much. I think they are just happy that I am getting out there and getting a little attention. Not to mention, they are happy that I am happy. And for now I am. I dont know where this is going, I dont know all the little pieces yet, but as they fall into place, I will keep this updated- as usual. :)
At this point we are just friends, and we both have some feelings, issues, and past experiences to work out before anything could happen. But while getting these things figured out, I think anyway, that we have each other's backs. I will admit that I am not the perfect, dorm room hostess and that I get kind of flustered, and quiet, very quiet, but I think I am making progress.
Kind of the funny side to all this, was mom calling this morning, while the boy and I were at Panera, and she was talking about shirts to get me from her trip, and apparently I was giggling. She called back later to ask why I was giggling, I told her that the boy was making fun of the situation. So she asked if he had stayed the night and I said, yes (I'm not gonna lie to my mom!) and she asked if there was anything that I wanted to tell her, to which I said no. Now the kind of funny thing was that this conversation was going on while I was still out driving with the boy. (Yup, gonna keep refering to him as the boy, those who are close know who he is, and I dont really like using names on this blog.) And so mom said that she was gonna call dad. So she got off the phone with me, I turned to the boy and said shes gonna call dad. He asked if I was worried, and I said no, dad is just gonna call my brothers and I dont think they are gonna do anything. By the time that I got back to my room, both brothers had texted me, as well as my dad. Everyone was a little questioning at first, but then almost unanimously they said that they were happy for me. Hope they know that this may not turn into a relationship, but I dont think that matters too much. I think they are just happy that I am getting out there and getting a little attention. Not to mention, they are happy that I am happy. And for now I am. I dont know where this is going, I dont know all the little pieces yet, but as they fall into place, I will keep this updated- as usual. :)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Inspiration
I want to be an inspiration for girls that have been hurt emotionally, but not like anuse, just things havent gone right with guys. To do that I will share my story. Now, dont feel sorry for me because I live a pretty happy life, and I have almost everything that I need or want, but when it comes to guys, things just dont go my way. It started when I was fairly young and had my first crush- he was my one of my best friends, and definitely didnt see me as datable. That was the hardest to get through, because it wasnt just a crush, it lasted 8 years, and I guess you could say it was my first puppy love thing. And over the years there have been the other crushes, 1 short relationship, and lots of unrequited feelings. The common denominator of all this has been me, left crying. But thats not the inspiration that people need to hear.
The key to it all is to keep your head up. Its not about how many times life knocks you down, or the struggles you go through, but rather getting back up and being strong enough to stand tall after something happens, everytime.
My latest experience was that I met a guy friday night at a party, we seemed to hit it off. So I facebook friend requested him and he sent me his number, and we have been texting oh so much over the past few days. And it seemed that he was in to me, definitely saying all the right things at the right time, but then the bombshell came- he is also talking to another girl, and her name is Kristen (funny, the last guy that I was falling for dated a Kristen). I cant even tell you how crushed I was. But the point here, is that he did tell me about the other girl, and he told me before anything happened between us, and I think hes a pretty decent guy, but nonetheless it was a blow to the gut. I told him that I still wanted to talk to him but that he had to stay honest with me. I dont know how this will turn out.
Heres the thing though- my friends, god love them, are pissed. And I am the one that is, I dont know the right word to put here, maybe laidback about it all. I had a friend that was super excited and jumped for the phone when I got a text before I could. And then theres another friend that has just gone through the hard- hes my friend and I really like him and then he shows up with girlfriend situation.
To them and everyone else I say this: I have been broken, knocked down a couple of times, and shocked, but I know that whatever is happening will lead to the eventual happy ending for me, because I wont settle for anything else. Now, this is not to say that my happy endind will include a guy- just that Im not going to get depressed and down and hurt SO much after every guy that walks into my life.
I may talk about guys a lot but there is more to life than guys and love and such.
Plus this guy- the one from the party- has distracted me throroughly from the last guy, and if nothing else, THAT is a blessing.
Ok, disclaimer, some of this sounds kind of religious, but for me its not. If it inspires you in a religious way then go for it, but thats not where it came from.
The key to it all is to keep your head up. Its not about how many times life knocks you down, or the struggles you go through, but rather getting back up and being strong enough to stand tall after something happens, everytime.
My latest experience was that I met a guy friday night at a party, we seemed to hit it off. So I facebook friend requested him and he sent me his number, and we have been texting oh so much over the past few days. And it seemed that he was in to me, definitely saying all the right things at the right time, but then the bombshell came- he is also talking to another girl, and her name is Kristen (funny, the last guy that I was falling for dated a Kristen). I cant even tell you how crushed I was. But the point here, is that he did tell me about the other girl, and he told me before anything happened between us, and I think hes a pretty decent guy, but nonetheless it was a blow to the gut. I told him that I still wanted to talk to him but that he had to stay honest with me. I dont know how this will turn out.
Heres the thing though- my friends, god love them, are pissed. And I am the one that is, I dont know the right word to put here, maybe laidback about it all. I had a friend that was super excited and jumped for the phone when I got a text before I could. And then theres another friend that has just gone through the hard- hes my friend and I really like him and then he shows up with girlfriend situation.
To them and everyone else I say this: I have been broken, knocked down a couple of times, and shocked, but I know that whatever is happening will lead to the eventual happy ending for me, because I wont settle for anything else. Now, this is not to say that my happy endind will include a guy- just that Im not going to get depressed and down and hurt SO much after every guy that walks into my life.
I may talk about guys a lot but there is more to life than guys and love and such.
Plus this guy- the one from the party- has distracted me throroughly from the last guy, and if nothing else, THAT is a blessing.
Ok, disclaimer, some of this sounds kind of religious, but for me its not. If it inspires you in a religious way then go for it, but thats not where it came from.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Restless
I don't understand, but I do get it, and thus I need to let go, give up, move on.
With these words I start the path of being ME for ME. If others dont like it, I am sorry, but I will not make excuses for myself. So, enjoy!
With these words I start the path of being ME for ME. If others dont like it, I am sorry, but I will not make excuses for myself. So, enjoy!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Take a Chance on me.
So I havent written in a while and thats mostly because I dont necessarily know how to say the things that I want to say. It occured to me, when I was handed the stats by the mysterious stats guy, that people from Transy might read this blog, and sure I WANT people to read it, but there is a great deal of personal things on here that are/were easier to write about when all readers were faceless! Oh well, life goes on right?
Where to start? Where I left off, of course.
Since I last wrote, our basketball team captured the HCAC (Heartland Collegiate Athletic Conference) basketball championship- both teams did actually.
Then both teams were on the road to the NCAA Divison III tournament. Girls were off to St. Louis and boys to Centre college- just down the road. So naturally I went to the boys game. I got there at 5- the first game was at 6, and Transy played at 8. I honestly expected it to be crowded when I got there, but it wasnt, I think I may have been the 20th person there! But its ok, because I got a prime seat- just about half court, 4 rows up! Shortly after I got there, parents and grandparents started showing up. They have become a sort of family- a basketball family. The game was a good one, our guys played their hearts out, but we came up a bit short, after going into overtime, thanks to Joey hitting two free throws with 0.00 time left on the clock for regular play. We lost by 4. It was sad but also theres the promise of a new beginning for those who arent seniors. For the seniors it was bittersweet, but you know at least we made it to the tournament- thats SOMETHING. So after the game I stuck around to shake the hands of the players, as was becoming my new habit. Some of the players even hug me now. And one player in particular hugged me when I stuck out my hand to shake his. I was thrilled, and confused, because see this is the Saint, I talk about him a lot and he had basically stopped talking to me the week before the game, which pissed me off. And his girlfriend had friend requested me on facebook, which made me curious. I just thought that his girlfriend was checking up on the people he was talking to, and maybe told him to stop talking to me, I didnt know. But then he hugged me, and I KNOW that it was a simple thanks for coming and thanks for your support thing, but he could have done that with a simple handshake. And throwing me even further was the fact that the following day, he and his girlfriend are no longer friends on facebook- yes facebook, I know its silly but it IS informational! So safe to say they are no longer together? I dont know. And these thoughts have kept me wondering ALL through the break. But now basketball is over and I dont know when I'll get to talk to him again- without bein awkward about it. Oh and theres the whole "its probably not even me" thoughts, I know how many girls think that he is gorgeous and such, so that keeps my head running around in circles too.
Ah well, I cant stop living life to think about all the different possibilities or opportunities, I just have to go with the flow. See what happens, and be BRAVE, I am pretty sure my whole family is rooting for me! haha Mom, dad, brothers, grandma- everyone! And then theres the people who ask about me and the guys I am around, and of course, I share, because I cant hold it back- they are also very supportive. Now, if only it would happen (no, I dont really expect it to).
And now, Spring Break!
I had such grand plans of things to do over break, very little actually got done but I did enjoy my week, and I have time before things HAVE to be done, I just need to get straight to work once I get back to school.
I think thats where I'll stop today. :)
Where to start? Where I left off, of course.
Since I last wrote, our basketball team captured the HCAC (Heartland Collegiate Athletic Conference) basketball championship- both teams did actually.
Then both teams were on the road to the NCAA Divison III tournament. Girls were off to St. Louis and boys to Centre college- just down the road. So naturally I went to the boys game. I got there at 5- the first game was at 6, and Transy played at 8. I honestly expected it to be crowded when I got there, but it wasnt, I think I may have been the 20th person there! But its ok, because I got a prime seat- just about half court, 4 rows up! Shortly after I got there, parents and grandparents started showing up. They have become a sort of family- a basketball family. The game was a good one, our guys played their hearts out, but we came up a bit short, after going into overtime, thanks to Joey hitting two free throws with 0.00 time left on the clock for regular play. We lost by 4. It was sad but also theres the promise of a new beginning for those who arent seniors. For the seniors it was bittersweet, but you know at least we made it to the tournament- thats SOMETHING. So after the game I stuck around to shake the hands of the players, as was becoming my new habit. Some of the players even hug me now. And one player in particular hugged me when I stuck out my hand to shake his. I was thrilled, and confused, because see this is the Saint, I talk about him a lot and he had basically stopped talking to me the week before the game, which pissed me off. And his girlfriend had friend requested me on facebook, which made me curious. I just thought that his girlfriend was checking up on the people he was talking to, and maybe told him to stop talking to me, I didnt know. But then he hugged me, and I KNOW that it was a simple thanks for coming and thanks for your support thing, but he could have done that with a simple handshake. And throwing me even further was the fact that the following day, he and his girlfriend are no longer friends on facebook- yes facebook, I know its silly but it IS informational! So safe to say they are no longer together? I dont know. And these thoughts have kept me wondering ALL through the break. But now basketball is over and I dont know when I'll get to talk to him again- without bein awkward about it. Oh and theres the whole "its probably not even me" thoughts, I know how many girls think that he is gorgeous and such, so that keeps my head running around in circles too.
Ah well, I cant stop living life to think about all the different possibilities or opportunities, I just have to go with the flow. See what happens, and be BRAVE, I am pretty sure my whole family is rooting for me! haha Mom, dad, brothers, grandma- everyone! And then theres the people who ask about me and the guys I am around, and of course, I share, because I cant hold it back- they are also very supportive. Now, if only it would happen (no, I dont really expect it to).
And now, Spring Break!
I had such grand plans of things to do over break, very little actually got done but I did enjoy my week, and I have time before things HAVE to be done, I just need to get straight to work once I get back to school.
I think thats where I'll stop today. :)
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