She let herself go

I think George Strait sings that song...

And this is what I've got for my few loyal friends and readers.
She let herself go.
For a long time, I wanted to be with him because I thought it would work. I thought it would be fun, that we could conquer anything that tried to come between us. I was wrong.
I think more recently I wanted to be with him because I didnt want to give up on him.
Maybe I thought that if I told him how much I wanted to be with him, he would understand that I would be there FOR him.
That was wrong too.
I am slowly releasing my death grip hold on what I so desperately want, because, who am I kidding, if it hasnt happened in the past 2 years, chances are its not going to happen.
Thats right, I'm letting myself go.
Trying something new, and this is what it looks like:
I am still me, an emotional wreck under my cool facade of a controlled individual.
J is still J, the one who might always Mr. Perfection in my eyes, even though he has his faults.
But we, never were, and thus I am giving up on the we.
Thats not saying I want out of his life, or that I am giving up on him. No, I believe in him, no questions asked, 100% of the time. If he wants something, I know he will get it, I know he will achieve all his goals. And I hope he will let me in, and let me be a cheerleader for him.
But I need more from a man than he has ever given me. I need support, unconditionally, someone who will ask me about my family, my friends, my life. Someone who will make an effort to be in my life. Someone who treats me with kindness and love, even when its the last thing in the world that they want to do.

J gave me something that I needed in order to move on in my life. And now, I just have to move on and let myself go. Its time to see what the universe has in store for me, because while I am comfortable with where my life is, its time I embrace something new.

Thats what it all comes down to, I might get frustrated, annoyed, giddy, and even get butterflies, when it comes to J. But now, I know what will happen, I know that when I pull away he will come swooping in to keep me interested. And that in some ways is comfortable for me, I need to shed the security.
I need to be bold, try something new. (Sounds like a Taco Bell commercial).

But for tonight, I will tell myself that I can still love J, in the way that I have for the past 2 years, which may not be in the way that one might normally define love. But I can also give myself permission to move on, to let myself go. :)

Talking is overrated?

I like to communicate, in a manner that is clear to all parties.
I do not like to vocalize things.
I realized today, when I slammed my head into the dashboard of my car as I was merging on to the highway and almost in tears from frustration, that I dont like to have people incessantly talking at me, to me, etc.
I like to have conversations, but I dont like to force information- vocally.

How strange is that?
I know, I have been harping about having a certain someone just tell me what he wants from me- done asking for that btw- and yet I dont like to talk. How do I explain myself?
Simple.
Clear communication can happen in many mediums.
It doesnt take a vocal "I just want to be friends" talk, to get the message.

Again, I am not saying that I am going to become a mute, I am simply saying that I have noticed lately that I prefer being quiet- even in situations that others might call an "Awkward silence".

Just an observation I thought I might share with my loyal followers... all, 3 that I am aware of... :)

One of these days....

One of these days I will say to myself:
http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9kwzlbchH1qzcn8zo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1311903551&Signature=fkQ6luCL%2BMqDVyGT0pSub3g%2BKkk%3D

And believe it.
I think I get closer to that day all the time. I have some full days where I even believe it. But then, I remember something, something that seems crazy and special, and my walls go crumbling down.
One step forward and 2 steps back.
Eventually I will get where I am going, I just have to be patient with myself.

I cant sleep.

I sometimes worry that I complain too much about my life here.
But I generally like my life.

Tonight, however, I have mixed emotions.
I found out about 2 hours ago that my great aunt passed away- my grandma's sister, Stella.
She was something like 94 years old.
But what will stick with me for years to come, I think is that when I went with my grandma to visit her in November, she was constantly checking to make sure that I was around. "Where's Jessie?" (She was blind at this point).
Tonight I am feeling "I'm here." But I want more. I want to say something brilliant like "Jessie is getting her CPA",  "Jessie is off traveling the world", "Jessie is not simply here, she is everywhere." For now, though, I am just here.
I also find it comforting/interesting/I dont know... but over the past few months, I have apparently been a hot commodity with my great aunt and even my great uncle. They are twins, Stella and John. And I know for certain that one thing they talked of was my trip to Italy.
I hope that I never forget the love and support that I had from my family, my Great Aunt and Uncle while I was in Italy. May it always be a highlighted memory.

Also, a different Great Uncle of mine, who passed earlier this year, will be laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery next Monday. I didnt have many visits with Slim that I remember, but I remember he was always a pretty nice guy. And welcoming to me, and I was always amazed at how tall and skinny he was- maybe thats why his nickname was Slim? haha. But really what I remember most about Slim is/was that he was married to my Great Aunt Fern- who is a cool lady, and my mom's favorite aunt. I fear that Fern wont be around much longer, but at least I will have the memory of her telling me about 4 years ago "I like being old, you get to ask inappropriate questions and be cranky, and no one really cares, because you are OLD!" I think thats a great attitude to have!

But ultimately these deaths remind me of my grandma, as all deaths that I have been through do. I think its because out of all the people who have passed away in the past 4 years, my grandma was a. the first one, and b. the one who I was closest to. And tonight I miss my grandma a whole lot. She first had troubles right after, like literally 2 days after I started my Sr. year of high school, yet she held on long enough to know that I graduated and even to "see" me off to college. She was alive long enough to see every grandchild through their 18th birthday.
I dont know if its me being silly but I choose to believe that she made sure I made it to college. In case you werent around- she died 1 week and 1 day into my Transy career.

As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. I am reminded that life comes and goes. Some people treat you right and some people dont. Some people you love to hate and others you hate to love.Sometimes I get too far ahead of myself, and its times like tonight that I am reminded to live in the present, and find a little bit of happiness in every day.
I only hope that when it comes time for me to make peace with my time on earth, that I have relatives who can keep alive my memory.
Here's to all the loved ones I have lost in the past 4 years:
Henrietta, Sharon, Violet, Dale, Mary Belle, Len, Stan, Slim and Stella
aka:
Grandma, Cousin, Great-Aunt, friend's dad, Great-aunt, Grandma's boyfriend, Ex-Grandpa, Great-Uncle, Great-Aunt.

Real versus Fake

Why is it that my relationship with my fake husband is way more fun and rewarding than the relationship that my heart wants?
Thats right, I have a (fake) husband. He is wonderful, caring, checks on me and always talks to me when I seem to need it the most.

So, I guess its time to take the leap.
Yea, the leap I've been avoiding for far too long.
The one that is inevitable.

J, its clear that we are just meant to be friends.
One kiss doesnt change that, especially if nothing happens afterwards.

So, my friend, here is to a long friendship!
(See, I told you I wouldnt run away)

Disclaimer: The above message was written 2 hours before what comes next.
I cant do it.
I went back and read some of my posts that deal with you and I am too emotionally involved to make myself take out all of the emotion.
If you want to be just friends, fine, tell me that, I can handle it. But I cant make that decision.

Have you heard the song "Colder Weather" by the Zac Brown Band?
Thats me and you, darlin.
I'm the lover and your the leaver.
And we dont have colder weather, we are warmer weather.

OK, I am sleepy and that might not make much sense.
My resolve isnt 100% there.
And I really wanted to come visit and check on you, but I decided that if you wanted me, you would tell me. No use in butting in when I'm not wanted.

Obsticales

This week has been one of the most exhausting both emotionally and physically weeks of my life.
I just gotta get through my long Saturday, shew.
But I've discovered one of the ways to my heart is being able to beatbox. Thats right, this country music fan will fall for just about anyone who can beatbox.
If you read this, I'd love to hear one random fact about yourself- leave it anonymously if you like, it could be fun!! :)
That is all, night peeps.

Paper Heart

OK, so the surgery is over, dad came out of it fine. Mom is sort of, kind of back to normal.
And then, more than a week after we had had a conversation the boy contacts me, something about his face breaking out. Poor baby.
Not gonna lie I kind of blew up. I dont know if he actually got the message, because he didnt respond. But because I think it was well said and to the point, I will recreate it for you! :)
"Oh no. You dont get to say the things you said last week and then run away for more than a week only to waltz back around when you feel like it. I could have used a friend, if nothing else, first Friday and then today. Not an asshole who is going to ignore me til hes ready to talk. Im not going to run away from you James, but its time to be a man and face the music. Pick something- be my friend and take me as I come, decide you want more or hell, banish  me to being an acquaintance, just tell me. Today was one of the hardest, lonliest days of my life and I could have used a friend"
Yea, that actually takes up like 5 or maybe 6 160 character text messages, so I have no clue if it went through.

I feel bad for the blow up, I do, but on the other hand I asked him to be there for me the night before the surgery, and I got no response.
So yea, Im a little upset, but I am confident that everything will work out.

Point of View

Many would argue that I dont have many struggles in my life. I have a college degree, a family willing to let me take the summer off of any real work and no student loans to panic about. And I understand that.
However, as I type this, I am going through the most difficult part of my life, to this point.

I have a depressed, diabetic father who likes sweets when he is depressed. Therefore, he conveniently forgets that hes diabetic, or doesnt care, or something like that. And he will be having his second knee surgery tomorrow. I love my father and I am grateful that the heart attack didnt take him from this world prematurely, however, I fear it made him somewhat of a hypochondriac, and that really bugs me. I hope that he gets through the surgery tomorrow, that his recoup time isnt as long or hard or tedius as he thinks its going to be, and that he will shift focus from "whats going to happen to me now" to "how can I improve my quality of life".

On the other hand my mom is sick. Shes a needy sick and on top of that shes worried about dad's surgery tomorrow. Can I give her a xanax tomorrow, pretty please? (just kidding). Over this past weekend she has turned into someone that I dont know. I worry that perhaps she too is getting depressed. And I cannot handle both of them being depressed.

I feel like our house is turning into a black hole and if I dont get out I too will be sucked down. And that only makes me want to run away. I dont have a steady job- which rules out actually moving out. But I am ready to move on in life, to start my next chapter. It just seems that I take one step forward and 2 steps backwards. I have my college degree, so I move home and work the same job I've had for the past 10 years. Yea, great, what a way to start life after college. I am simply an ant. I have no real roll in this world at the moment and I am so invisible that my family cant even see my pain. I dont want to be the back bone of the family, I dont want to have to agree with my father, soothe my mother, protect my brothers. I want to run away, to Lexington. But I wont, because what is needed of me right now, is to be the family rock. I'll just keep taking the punches, the mood swings and I will hope for everything to stabilize on the other side. 

Famous Last Words

"Because it keeps you in my life"

Do you know how many times those words have gone through my head, followed by "Your in it more than you think".

Really?

Because you said those things Monday and havent spoken to me since. Maybe I am in it exactly as much as I think I am... which is quite honestly, not very much at all.

At this point I have only 1 question.

What do you want from me, James?

In the end

we only regret the chances we didnt take
the relationships we were afraid to have
and the decisions we waited too long to make

I dont have a plan...

but that doesnt keep me home doing nothing.
Yea, you read that right. And yes, I know that its hard to believe so let me explain.
I dont have a single plan... I have several options.
I feel stuck, as if I am not moving forward, but at the same time, I am starting a new class tomorrow. A CPA review class that is going to take me through the next 6 months.
But then what?
And what about the in between time?
Where should I search for a job?
I havent even registered to take the CPA test... and you HAVE to register and get your "Notice to Schedule" AT LEAST 2 months before you want to take the test. But its not just one test, its 4... and you have to get the NTS for each test, which means you have to really know ahead of time
And the thought of it all has got me petrified.
Like, I pretty much had a panic attack today.

But, this is what I do know:
Its just a class, and I should take it 1 day, 1 lesson at a time.
If I decide that I can take a stab at the test, then I can start the registration process. This is MY test, MY certification and I should get to decide how to handle it... it doesnt get to handle me!
I am learning that it is ok to not have a set plan- they never work anyway- but rather a direction: sometime in the next 5 years I should have my CPA license.
I saw a quote the other day that I really liked:  
Success…seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit. ~Conrad Hilton
I may not be successful- yet- but this is me, moving forward. Being scared like no other but still taking on the challenge. One foot in front of the other, I am moving. 


My hope for anyone who reads this, is that you too are moving. Know that dreams arent made by just getting by, you've got to be an active participant- not just a spectator. 
Good luck! (to you and me) 

Its not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

Contrary to what it seems, I do have a life that doesnt revolve around "the boy". 

And this is a post dedicated to that other part of my life. 

I have a friend who 6 years ago got a double lung transplant, and the age of 16. She had cystic fibrosis, and she very nearly died. 

The title of this post is one of her favorite sayings. 

She  is in rejection and they cant treat it because she also has a fungal infection and if they give her the anti-rejection drugs it will knock out her immune system so that the fungal infection would take over and kill her. So, they treat the fungal infection, hoping, praying that they can get rid of it and then treat for rejection. But the only cure for rejection is another transplant. 

In honor of this friend, I will tell you how our lives have intersected at various points in time. 

I first met her when I switched high schools from BHS to BCHS as a sophomore.  We were in the "Gifted" program together. We had a class "Gifted Seminar" where the final project was to come up with a 5 page paper and a 15 minute presentation on a topic of your choice. I had just gotten Payton and so I picked "Training a Service Dog" as my topic and my friend's health was declining fast, and so she did her presentation on Lung Transplants. We both did something that we were actually experiencing, although it wasnt until school had let out for the summer that she got her transplant. There were complications, she didnt do very well for a while and she was not really close to home at all. She was in St. Louis. 

Later that summer- about mid-July. My mom, grandma, Payton and myself made the trek to Minneapolis for a vet conference. We drove and decided that on the way home St. Louis wasnt too far out of the way and that we would visit my friend. They were so glad to see friendly faces. I think it really meant a lot to them that we showed up. Some of our mutual friends said that they would go visit her, but I dont know that any of them actually made it to St. Louis. 

She then came back to KY, but the asbestos that was growing in the walls of BCHS would have been fatal to her, so she had to switch schools and go to BEHS. She and I fell out of touch. But I always admired, and well still admire, her strength. She is very much a fighter. 

I have seen her occasionally because she uses my mom as a vet and she has 3 dogs. 

But last summer she got married. It was a beautiful, and rather eventful ceremony. It was a very hot July day and she had been sick with a fever all morning! Vomiting too. Poor thing. So we are listening to the preacher with ALL of his praying- it was a LOT of praying. And the next thing we know, she has passed out! Her soon to be husband caught her, held her, and if we werent already sure, we knew then that he was a keeper. lol (I should mention that he has also had a double lung transplant). She was fine after she cooled off, they finished the wedding and all was well. Yep, shes a trooper- getting married with a 102 fever and passing out, yet she had the biggest girly smile on her face the rest of the day.

Fast forward almost a year and her mom comes into the clinic. C isnt doing well, at all. 

My heart hurts. I havent really had much contact with her other than what I have already written about, but this girl... this woman, is one of the toughest women that I know. And somehow, someway I need her to know that I am thinking about her. 

So I get on twitter. "Follow" her, and we have exchanged a few tweets. I even uploaded a pic of Payton holding the silicone band that says "Organ Donation Works" with the caption of "Payton supports organ donation" 

Bottom line: 

Sometimes one can find strength in the people around them who have made the best of sucky circumstances. 

Organ donation saves lives.

And prayers or thoughts for Christena are greatly welcomed by her family. 

"Because it keeps you in my life"

Thats the reason I get. The reason that he wont tell me my definition in his life.
But, to me that says if he were to tell me the definition that I would run away.
Its been 2 years, doesnt he know by now, I dont run away- at least not for long.
I've always come back. And I dont give up on people who want me in their life- unless its unclear to me as to whether or not they want me in their life.

That was 2 nights ago now.
After I got that text I got another one that said "Your in it more than you think" in reference to me being in his life.
And then nothing. No contact yesterday or today.

That seems very selfish.
Yea, not telling me keeps me in your life. But whats keeping you in my life?
I'll ask you what I have asked you before...
Whats in it for me, J?
Am I supposed to just wait around for you to decide that oh, today you want to talk to me. Today you want to see me. That some day you might show up and kiss me again?
Or maybe, maybe you do just want to have me around in case nothing else pans out. And from where I'm sitting, thats a dirty, sick, mean trick, dude.
And then theres the third choice. The idea that maybe you are scared. I dont know what you are scared of, but I would like to know what it is, if you are.

I am not dumb. I may seem dumb to a lot of my friends for sticking around. But I am not dumb. I know what my odds are, and I am ok with them. There's two sides to the story, darlin, and you know my side. I'd love to hear your side. Even if what you really want is to move to Australia to be with Faith. (Remember telling me about her?)

Its funny, I relate a lot to Sweet Home Alabama, the movie- I know you are familiar with it. And theres one part in the movie that makes me wonder if you are doing something similar. Don't worry, I wont give anything away, whats the fun in that? :)

Homesick

Yea, thats right, I am sitting here at home with my family and I am homesick.
What for you might ask, especially since I am home.
Well, turns out I left a chunk of my heart in Lexington.
Yep, I miss Lexington like I missed home when I first went to Transy.
CRAZY!
So what now?
I'll tell you what now, I start looking for a job in the Bluegrass Parkway corridor.
Its time to follow my heart... and my heart is not particularly attached to Louisville, but rather very attached to Lexington- more so than I even realized.

huh, interesting realization.
Mind is kind of blown.

Inadequate

The vacation was great. I loved the time that I got to spend with my nieces and nephews, it exceeded all of my expectations. Really, it was wonderful.
Yet, here I am, home, in my own bed, and my life feels almost empty.
I dont get it.
Well, thats only a half lie. I do kind of get it.
I feel inadequate because I am a college graduate living at home. I have a piss poor excuse of a love life. No job prospects and no debt to pay off.
Though the last thing is not a bad thing, it just means I wont have any creditors knocking on my doorstep.
I promise I am thankful for what I have, but I am a bit lost.
Time to make some decisions, time to put myself on the line- in more ways than one. Lets see if I sink or swim!

And yea, I miss him still, but I cant get a read on how he feels, still. Sigh.
Really dude- figure it out, it shouldnt be THAT hard, and let me know, please.

eight three one

I miss him/you.
Its silly, I get that, but more and more I miss him. Not the person that I first met and got to know, although he was pretty cool too, no I miss the one that I got to see, if only briefly that Thursday in May.
We as J and J have a history, one that doesnt really work out. But that night, we did work out. I know he thinks I am silly for thinking about it a lot, but that is just what my idle mind thinks of... sorry dude. You want my mind to think about something different, give it something different to think about! lol.

At least I feel less angsty about things. I've decided we are like the ocean, we have tides, we get close we fall apart, sometimes things are easy and other times they are incredibly annoyingly not so easy. And then comes a hurricane, where things go crazy- usually its my doing, and then things calm down and we have our little routine.
I guess I just dont want us to get set in our ways. I dont want to hit a stalemate where we are now. I want a challenge, something different, something that doesnt follow the things we've done before. Lets have an oil spill, get everything super sticky and messy! Yea, bad joke, my bad, but at least it gets the point across.

I am not going anywhere, but that doesnt mean that I am running away. Im just not running toward you, like I felt I have before. This time, I want you to run to me. Show me that I am not just a toy in your life, something that you get tired of after a while. Show me that I am something that you want to keep.

PS- This girl gets to go home with a nice beach look! woot woot! :)

It was a quarter after one...

Yea, yea... my life is a Lady Antebellum song. 

But there I was last night, and it was approximately 1:15 and I felt the great need to text you. But I figured you were probably already asleep, so I didnt text you. I moved from my room in the vacation house to the living room and slept on the couch. Missed you, needed you, and fell asleep. 

Then this morning my nieces and nephews were all playing with iPods and all listening and singing to Need you now, and I didnt put it all together til about 15 minutes ago.

How perfectly did that fit? A little too perfectly, as does the rest of my life, but you know, its whatever. 

Also, randomly this morning I had an interesting dream. I was recruited to play soccer for Transy because all the normal players were out of town or something. So I went to play, and I got to start!! But I was in a superhero costume and I had a mask that limited my vision. And not only that but we were playing against an Indian, as in from India team, in their Sari's. But I got tired of not being able to see so I ripped off my face mask and revealed my identity to everyone, in order to play this soccer game.  (I am highly amused by this dream, btw. haha) 

Goodnight loves. 

Sisterhood

I dont have a biological sister, never have, probably never will.
But I have something much better than that. I have a sister that I got to choose, or who got to choose me.
And we didnt have to be initiated into something, we havent pledged ourselves to one another, we just we are there for each other, through thick and thin, anger and sadness.
Crazy families, and bruised hearts. Its just part of the territory, you know?
So here's to you C, my partner in crime, best friend, and the person who will be my friend from here on out. My sister even.
Its deeper than blood, more impressive than just friendship, we have a partnership of sorts.
Thank you, for always being there. I appreciate it, and I will always see you as the sister I never had.
I wish I could say more profound things but I just cant. And I am sorry for that, hopefully you can understand.

The calm, the storm, whatever it is, its nothing I've dealt with before.

I dont know how my brothers and their wives really see me, but I feel like I will forever be like 5 or maybe 10 years old in their minds. And, for a long time, I think I catered to that. But now that I am 22 years old, I want to be seen as an adult. I know that I will always be the kid sister, but theres more to me than that. I am not one dimensional, not even 2-D. Just as there are many pieces to me that I dont think guys who I am interested in see, there are also many parts that my brothers dont see, whether that is by choice or not, I dont know.

I was kind of dreading this family vacation, and I have been pleasantly surprised. Thats not saying its perfect, there are still a few things that I would like to change, but maybe just maybe I am on the right path.

Its funny, I was idly talking tonight, and I dont know if anyone heard me, and thats ok, but what I said was that I look forward to the next family vacation, in say 2 years. Because, unless something goes totally awry, I wont have kids, and I may be independent enough to really be the cool aunt. See, I think the kids like hanging out with me because 1. they know I will keep them safe and 2. I dont have to make sure someone is on their best behavior... I can treat every kid equally.

Speaking of the next family vacation... I dont know where I will be in life, whether I will have a significant, or even insignificant other, but I do know, that I think I have found this place in my family where even in this transitory time that I find myself in, family is what truly matters. And getting to spend a week with my family, that is priceless.

Also, speaking of significant or insignificant others. I just finished a book, and yes its fiction, but that wont keep me from drawing parallels from my life. But basically the main character has fallen in love with a fallen angel, and its reeking all kinds of havoc on heaven and hell... and god knows that doesnt fit in my life, but what I am drawn to is this relationship that the girl has with the angel she has fallen for... She feels so deeply for him and yet he often leaves her with unanswered questions. With this passion, but at the same time deep questioning, of is this really true love, is this all I get, because if so, its depressing. And I may not have found my true love, if one is even out there for me, but there is this person in my life for whom I care deeply about and yet anytime I talk with him, I am left with more unanswered, burning questions. I mean seriously dude? Isn't passion supposed to be something that you dont really have to think that much about? Cant you rush head first blindly into something as crazy as love? Ok, so that makes me sound a little crazy, but I feel a little crazy. All I wanna do is talk, I'd love to tease out your feelings for me because I just feel like I am in limbo. I cant move forward because you havent figured out how you feel about me and I cant just shut you out, because well, I am not willing to shut the door I guess. So I sit here, in your grasp, waiting for you to decide, and yet you dont.
I get told over and over what I should feel for you and how others see you, but they arent me and I am not them. Call me stupid, but I believe in you, anything you want to do, go for it. But if you really cant see me there as a serious contender in your future, let me know now. Thats all I really want. My mom said something to me while we were in Maine and its kind of stuck with me and basically she was saying: If you know that you arent going to end up with a person, then let them go, its unfair to keep stringing them along. So, J, I guess what I am asking from you now is that, if you know that you dont want a relationship with me, not now, not ever, just tell me. I am really good at hearing the brutal truth. But please, seriously, since you cant give me a definition, at least give my possible definition some thought. Please, help me move out of this purgatory limbo that you've put me in!
And if you decide to keep me in your life here are some things to know- and if they arent useful for you, maybe they will be useful for someone in the future:
1. I love hearing from you every day. I dont even care if its a simple hey, or even just a goodnight.
2. I love getting goodnight texts.
3. I am not a big on the phone talker, but I do like for it to happen now and then. However, because I have this a. fear of phones and b. calling someone during something important, its likely that I probably wont ever call you, but rather wait on you to call me.
4. I want to see you more, physically, in person. Invite me over, or ask to come to my place, but then follow through. I'm not asking for something crazy big like a big dinner or some elaborate plans... no, I'd settle for a nice walk and just some time to talk.
5. I am not likely to bring up the tough stuff in face-to-face conversation, it scares the shit out of me, but I will answer honestly and to my best ability. Although, I will probably try to throw some bad humor in the mix so it doesnt seem so awkward.

I guess, its about bedtime for me.
Goodnight world.

Baby, you're a firework....

Happy Fourth of July, friends!

Here I am, on family vacation with 11 of the people who are closest to me.
My nieces and nephews think Im the cool one, because I dont seriously discipline them- I'm not someones mommy, so I dont get seriously mad... I do minimal disciplining. This makes me the cool one. And I am the funnest in the water- I dont know what makes me different than their parents, but I am. Maybe because I just let them hang all over me and I dont try to get them to try new things that scare them. I just chill out there with them and do my damnedest to keep them from going under. I am hoping that on the next family vacation, I am still the favorite and that they all choose to like ride in the car with me... thats what I would love, but, they are kids, they get to decide what they want to do.
The eldest has been bent out of shape a fair amount during this trip- poor kid. I think she just wants more individual attention, and specifically because shes oldest. But, thats not really my call...

I sit here, watching fireworks by myself, and I am oddly content. This family vacation has been different than the others. I dont know if its that I have a buddy to hang out with, whether I've just grown up or what. Yet, even though things change, there are still some things that will stay the same. I will always be the youngest, and my brothers will always be able to scare me. But there will always be the times that I dont fit, I like to read and my family, besides my mom doesnt, not only that they cannot fathom why we like to read.
And, I have far deeper country roots than either of my brothers, which is just sad to me. But I guess such is life.

I still dont know what my role in this family is, but I am the youngest child and so I mostly go along with what everyone else wants to do. Maybe, one of these days I'll get tired of just doing whatever and decide to stand up for myself. But I spend far too much looking into the future, and not enough in the present.

I guess what I am wanting to say, but cant quite get out has more to do with Katy Perry, and the whole message that she sends in her song Firework, which I am sure most people have heard. And thus maybe, someday eventually I will stop feeling like a plastic bag floating in the wind and ignite my light and let it shine.

I just want to be with someone who will deal with the fireworks that I will bring into life! haha!

Chillin on a dirt road

By Jason Aldean.

One of the lines is "memory lane up in the headlights" and I've been taking jaunts down memory lane,
My life doesnt seem all that exciting to me, dont get me wrong I certainly enjoy it, mostly. And I know that I have gotten to do more things probably than a lot of people my age, but at the same time there is nothing to seriously set me out of the crowd. Deep down, I dont know if I like that or if I think its a problem. But maybe, it just is, plain and simple, it is who I am.

In trying to define myself, I find definitions come from very interesting places. So, humor me if you will, and maybe you will find some humor in my life.

~When I am with my family I feel like I fall in the seriously awkward phase of still being the baby of the family, but I am really an adult. So I feel that my brothers still see me stuck at maybe 10, yet my nieces and nephews see me as an adult, maybe even a role model. It is only with my parents that I feel my correct age.

~I dont mind sharing my bed, in fact I am fairly liberal at sharing a mattress, just dont try anything goofy.~ lol. In fact there was a time where in the course of 6 months I had 4 bed mates of the opposite sex. And yet, nothing ever happened, didnt even kiss one of them.

~I find extreme happiness in the country way of life, and love to be in and around it, but I also value education.

~I tend to be very opinionated. However, I dont always share my opinions. I like to keep the peace and dont want to put people out, but at the same time, deep down, I want everyone to do the right thing, the respectful thing.

~ I know real life may not give me my fairytale ending, but I still want it.

And now there are small children running around... time to put the laptop up!