She let herself go

I think George Strait sings that song...

And this is what I've got for my few loyal friends and readers.
She let herself go.
For a long time, I wanted to be with him because I thought it would work. I thought it would be fun, that we could conquer anything that tried to come between us. I was wrong.
I think more recently I wanted to be with him because I didnt want to give up on him.
Maybe I thought that if I told him how much I wanted to be with him, he would understand that I would be there FOR him.
That was wrong too.
I am slowly releasing my death grip hold on what I so desperately want, because, who am I kidding, if it hasnt happened in the past 2 years, chances are its not going to happen.
Thats right, I'm letting myself go.
Trying something new, and this is what it looks like:
I am still me, an emotional wreck under my cool facade of a controlled individual.
J is still J, the one who might always Mr. Perfection in my eyes, even though he has his faults.
But we, never were, and thus I am giving up on the we.
Thats not saying I want out of his life, or that I am giving up on him. No, I believe in him, no questions asked, 100% of the time. If he wants something, I know he will get it, I know he will achieve all his goals. And I hope he will let me in, and let me be a cheerleader for him.
But I need more from a man than he has ever given me. I need support, unconditionally, someone who will ask me about my family, my friends, my life. Someone who will make an effort to be in my life. Someone who treats me with kindness and love, even when its the last thing in the world that they want to do.

J gave me something that I needed in order to move on in my life. And now, I just have to move on and let myself go. Its time to see what the universe has in store for me, because while I am comfortable with where my life is, its time I embrace something new.

Thats what it all comes down to, I might get frustrated, annoyed, giddy, and even get butterflies, when it comes to J. But now, I know what will happen, I know that when I pull away he will come swooping in to keep me interested. And that in some ways is comfortable for me, I need to shed the security.
I need to be bold, try something new. (Sounds like a Taco Bell commercial).

But for tonight, I will tell myself that I can still love J, in the way that I have for the past 2 years, which may not be in the way that one might normally define love. But I can also give myself permission to move on, to let myself go. :)