Waxing and waning

Its funny, and annoying at how fast feelings can wax and wane.
I hate it, honestly. Why? Why do they come and go like this?
Or maybe its a coping mechanism?

A month ago, ONE MONTH AGO, I was running on a high from having dinner several nights in a row with O. I was sure it was the start of something. There were declarations of feelings. Comments that feelings are deeper than they were. FINALLY, we were getting somewhere. But in true O fashion, a disappearing act followed. Lets have this discussion about feelings and disappear. I honestly don't think he knows that he does this. But I run out of energy trying to make conversations happen. I don't want to force it.
Love, I will talk to you every day. I will. But I cannot be the only one trying here.
Its exhausting trying to understand why you are holding back. I asked you outright to either give it a good try or let it go, but you have to tell me. Use your fucking words! And you didn't and you've barely talked to me since, so like, I guess you don't want to try. I don't know why? I can, of course, make up LOTS of reasons why. Reasons that are about you, reasons that are about me, but they are ME coming up with reasons and you NOT explaining reasons.

I'm sure something will happen at some point, and I'll be ready to embrace O again. I feel conflicted about it. On the one hand, the asshole, whether he knows it or not, has created this push and pull this love and hate, the wax and wane of my feelings for, geez, for 15 years. Ok, not exactly really that long, its been more like 12. But on the other hand, can you imagine the story we could tell if we ended up together?! I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I love thinking of that story. A story that started before our mothers even hit puberty!

I think my only hope now is to hope that someone else comes along and helps me move on. Someone who shows me how much they want and love me. I say I hope for someone else to come along, not because I necessarily NEED someone in my life, but because I clearly cannot be trusted to not run back to you on my own. And I won't block you or cut you out of my life because that's not me. I do care about you, you are important to me, and I will be there for you if you need me.

Oh, those summer nights...

About 7 years ago I wrote a story about a couple of kids. 

Lazy hot summer nights, a pond, fishing, fate, love. It was beautiful, really. Its not on this blog, but on a different platform. 

Its still one of my favorite things I have ever written. I reread it to send to a friend recently and I nearly teared up just reading it. 

Tonight, I found myself at that same pond, looking at the dock that was so prominent in the story. Its different than when those memories were created. There has been almost 15 years of weather - including some significant storms, growth, change and yet there is something timeless about that spot.

As I was standing there in the cool early June evening I watched the life on top of the water, below the water and I thought of the water itself. 

I felt a kinship. I am that body of water, not literally, but metaphorically. (Bear with me, here.)

That pond, as long as I have been alive, has never been dry. For me, the water in that pond is like the love that I have in me. Sometimes its ready to burst at the seams and it overflows a little. Sometimes, the level is significantly lower - but not so low that life stops. There is a "normal" level and its not too much but not too little either. Tonight, when I visited, the level is high. There's supposed to be rain this week, so maybe it'll overflow a little. 

Inside that pond, there is a lot of life. From fish (I saw mostly bluegill tonight) to snakes, frogs and probably some turtles too. There is a parallel here between souls and ponds... maybe its just my soul, but here you go: The fish are the sustenance, the constant, right? They can't go anywhere else.  The snakes are the slithery bad thoughts, the things that keep me up at night and the dark shadows that race in and out of my life: the doubt. I didn't treat this patient right, I loved too much, I am overwhelming as a person. Some doubt is a good thing, but I mean, lets hope there is not a huge infestation of snakes in this pond! (I've seen only 2 at one time and it was last week.) The frogs, the happy parts of the journey, the songs of the soul, singing their own song, there to entertain themselves and whoever might want to listen. And sure, sometimes they are eaten by the snakes, the doubts, but still, those that are left will sing and sing and sing. Especially since its early summer! The turtles, they are your friends, slowly making the rounds, coming for a visit but then leaving again. Its ok, you have all that you need within you, but those turtles, they make life more interesting. 

But the last thing that I noticed tonight at that pond was the water striders skimming along the surface, making these small ripples but not REALLY breaking the surface. Do you know what those water striders are like? They are the things that give you goosebumps, where when someone or something touches you, you feel it all the way to your soul. 

Its just a pond, right? 

Nah, its life. 

It’s been a while...

like almost 2 years?!
Wow, who woulda thought. But then again I was 16 when I started this blog and boy crazy. Or at least boy angsty...
Anyway, now I’m knocking on the door of 30.
Still single. Maybe some day that will change.
Still traveling, just recently got back from my 5th trip to the Hawaiian islands. Going back to Italy for the third time next month.
I’m a doctor.
I’m still in school... I promise, someday I’ll stop!

Last year I was making fun of my friends who were worried about turning thirty.
Jokes on me.
My life is nowhere near my mental image of thirty.
I should be married, or at least in a relationship by now. Nope. Probably because I’m too picky... but I mean, hopefully that means less heartbreak in the end, right?
Kids.. .shoulda had a houseful by now. Nope. But I have plans, luckily, as a woman, it’s easier for me to have kids, if I really want them. (And I do!)
A house, if nothing else, I should have my own place. But nope, again.
At least I have a good career and that part of my life is going well.
It’s funny, I have all these people that tell me they are proud of me when I keep coaching myself that I’m not a failure. That sounds extreme. I’m not mentally unstable, I’m not in a bad place, I just literally have failed at the social aspect of life. Meeting someone, having a relationship, those steps. People tell me it will happen, and I have to believe it, because if I don’t it does get a little depressing. I do want to love and be loved. I want a partner for this crazy life. Someone to share the ups and downs with.
Dont get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade my journey so far for where I am. So there’s the good part. I just am hopeful that someone good shows up soonish.

 Almost thirty and still got some boy angst.... haha.

Snails

9 years ago I was in Israel.
To this day it has been one of my very favorite vacations. We crammed in a lot in the 5 days we were there and it really wasn't enough time, but the last night was almost perfect.

I remember that your mom wanted to take us all out for dinner. But you had bought snails to cook. 2 kilos, you bought and you were so proud and so ready to cook a good dinner. But your mom insisted. You refused to go out. And seeing an opportunity, so did I.
That's right, I didn't go out not because I didn't want to or anything like that, I didn't go because this was my chance to spend some time alone with you.
So they left, your mom and brother and my mom and grandma.
It was just you and me.
Most of the lights were out.
We started with cleaning the snails. Working closely at the sink.
Pick out all the dead ones you said.
So we did.
Scrub them clean you said.
So we did.
Make sure there are no dead ones again, you coached.
So we did.
After 2 hours of handling 2 kilos of snails making sure that they were all alive and well scrubbed.
You seasoned them.
And they went into the oven.

Then we got into a heated discussion.
"You never write me," you said.
"Bullshit," I said "I write you all the time, sometimes DAILY!"
So we went downstairs to the computer.
You logged into your email and I showed you the proof.
Gotcha!
Then, I told you all about this crazy website called Facebook!
And we created you an account.
I thought facebook would make you a better communicator... boy was I wrong!! Haha.
After dealing with the computer things and making promises, some of which were kept and some of which weren't we went back to check on the snails.

I don't remember if they were done just yet.
I remember eating bread and watching you eat some snails. That sounds creepy, it wasn't creepy. If ever there is a movie made of our relationship, it will be portrayed as a romantic watching of you.
I already knew then that I loved you. I had discovered that love the summer before, but it would take me almost 9 years to admit it.

I can't remember what we talked about that night but it doesn't even matter. I remember the feelings of that night. The sense of security and home.

How did your mom manage to keep my mom and grandma out for so long? It seems a little ridiculous now. I mean we were 2 18 year old kids. Anything could of happened. It didn't, but it could have!
I mean I remember wanting to kiss you that night. I didn't.
The next time I saw you, May 2012 I wanted to kiss you, but I didn't.
The time after that, August 2015 I wanted to kiss you, but I didn't.
But the time after that, July 2016, I didn't want to kiss you. And that's when I thought I'd moved on.
Now, here its March 2017 and it seems you still have a piece of me.

Here's to always remembering the night of the snails. One of my favorites.

Letters to you

I am a letter writer. Well, I write letters to one person. It started when he went to basic training. It stopped before he was out of basic training. Then it started again when he told me those letters were what got him through and he still had them.
I don't write often, just often enough.
Our communication is spotty, at best. Though, I have talked to him more in the last 2 years than I have all our lives.
I don't know why we keep circling back.
In fact, I thought our story was done this past summer. I visited him. It was fine but I left early and I thought that was it.
Apparently not.
I can't say that I hate hearing from him, as infrequent as it might be. He says he wants to talk about real stuff. We have phone conversations that last an hour. And yet, I haven't been able to tell him the real stuff on my end.

From the Night Sky to the first rise of Dawn

4 am is an early call. One that will wake you up sharply from dreams that you won't remember. 

You stumble to the bathroom to relieve your bladder. 

The dogs are playing on the bed. You hear their playful growls as they tussle about the bed. 

Moving from the bathroom through the dark apartment to the front door. 

You have to call the dogs because they are having too much fun to pay attention to you. 

Finally leashed up and ready to go, you walk out the door. 

In to the night.

Its quiet. 

Peaceful.

Only 1 light on in any of the apartments that are around. 

The grass whispers as you move about, letting the dogs relieve themselves. 

Look up. 

The moon was full just 4 nights ago. 

Its a clear night and the moon is still bright. 

But so are the stars.

You see Orion's Belt- the first thing that you know to look for.

Then maybe the North Star? 

You always forget exactly where it is supposed to be. 

You smile. 

The world is quiet around you and to may be just a speck in the universe, but you are here. 

You know that quote....

The one that says "Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different." (C.S. Lewis)

Thats where I am right now.
Thanks to timehop I saw that this time last year I had just received flowers from a guy I was dating, but that I knew the relationship was done. (We broke up before the flowers died.)
And someone who I care deeply about had told me that he had tried to commit suicide (Army guy from back in 2012, if you remember the stories about him).
Another very close family friend had just recently been diagnosed with colon cancer. She's dead now. Her death has left a hole so deep and a fire so hot that I am continuously blown away.

I am not where I was a year ago. And what a glorious thing!

Last year, at this time, I had just gone to the wedding of a family friend's daughter. The son, a friend of mine was there and I had not seen nor spoke to him for 3.5 years leading up to the wedding- not for lack of trying on my part, but because mostly he didnt want to be contacted.
Let me just tell you, our reunion was amazing - not in a romantic way (like I wanted it to be) but think of not seeing your best friend for 3.5 years. Literally having no contact with them and then being reunited. The world stopped spinning, and then I started spinning - because of the hug. It was a wonderfully fierce hug. We spent that night ignoring the fact that we hadn't talked or seen each other for 3.5 years. We danced, we laughed and we hugged. The next day I flew home.
I had a boyfriend, but the boyfriend would never, EVER, in his wildest dreams live up to this friend. Because, at the time, I wanted nothing more than to be with this friend. To marry him. To change his world. To show him that he is important and loved and amazing. I knew that if I was feeling this for the man I wasn't dating, then if nothing else, I was dating the wrong man.
3 weeks go by. The friend (think Israel, DC and Army from previous years' posts) calls me because he wants to tell me something. He wants to tell me that he tried to commit suicide. That he still has my letters that I wrote to him while in basic training and that he's glad we are back in touch.
I start reeling, and not in a good or healthy way.
My world, my whole being just wants to be there with him. To hug him. To tell him he is worthy of this life. And to tell him that I would have been really sad if he had actually succeeded.

Fast forward several months. Some with lots of communication from the man we all know to be really bad about communication, some months with practically no communication. LOTS of angst on my end. Does he like me, does he not? Is he really how I remember him? He says some of the right things, some of the time. But jesus, hes 500+ miles away. Thats not going to work. If only we could visit again- have a real, good visit.

And then I have a 3 week externship in New Jersey. Do you know whats kind of on the way to New Jersey? DC! So I stop for an overnight visit at his place.  What an eye opening experience. I will try to articulate it without sounding too uppity.
Scene, from MY perspective: I am finally getting a chance to see if there is something between us. Something romantically inclined. I am driving to Washington DC to spend the night at his place (he has 4 roommates). I arrive and he has fixed dinner. He puts my stuff by the bed I am supposed to be sleeping in. We put on a movie (Silver Linings Playbook) and eat. Then we decide to get the ingredients for Derby Pie- my gift to them for letting me stay the night. The depth that I am used to seeing in out hanging out is not there. This is not a snail cooking moment. We are kind of like 2 boats passing in the night. I am uptight and nervous because I have built this trip up so much in my head. We get back to the apartment. There are people coming and going. There is pot smoking happening. Drinking. Half-hearted games and lots of sarcasm. In my head this is very much a bachelor pad and these men are very much not really looking for lasting relationships. They come across as not having their life together. Bouncing from thing to thing.
I came away from that situation thinking that this friend of mine was not remotely where I am in life. Thats not a bad thing, it just something that is.
I left the apartment the next morning before anyone was awake. I cried for 2 hours as I continued my drive to New Jersey. And I let go of an ideal that had been in my head for 9 years. Yes, thats almost a decade.

When I was 18 this guy became very important to me, it was a feeling a hope, a connection. I can tell you it was July 2007 and it happened when we got lost in the woods together. We were joined by a friend of his (now one of his roommates). My feelings grew when we visited them in Israel. (We will always have the snails!) From July 2007 through July 2016, I really, truly, in my heart believed that I would marry this man. I thought that we were meant to be. I thought that our timing was just always a little off. But what I know now is that, though a wonderful man, this is not the man for me. Our paths have not continued parallel to each other but we are headed towards the future at different angles now. Again, not a bad thing. Not in the slightest.

I don't know why I left before he was awake- and I felt like a royal bitch doing it. And I think the tears that I shed were more of a cleansing cry than a sad cry, as once I was done, I was done. I do think that we would have made a kick ass power couple. I think we would have made really gorgeous babies, but it isn't in our cards- or rather I am not hoping beyond all hopes that its in our cards anymore.

I am at a better, healthier place now. I am learning better how to be me. And how to love people for who they are - something I thought I already knew, but apparently not. I am learning to love people as they are and how they are to me. I am not sure if that makes any sense. I love people who come into my life, I love them fiercely and deeply and I imagine how they are important to me (the person from above was going to be my husband- can you imagine how much I loved him?!). But people dont need to be loved as how they are important to me, they need to be loved. Period. Just love.

And so I embark on a journey of love. We all need a little more love in this world.
If you are reading this, I send you some love, use it as you see fit.

PS-  I wouldn't change my life, my story for anything. I am very glad to be where I am now and I don't mind any of the things that I went through to get here, as they made me a better person.

Where does the time go?

Its been more than a year.
I'm sorry.

There's so much to say, but when I have the time to say the things that I want to say, I can't always find the words that fit.
I could tell you about the past year. The ups, the downs. The whoa's and what the fucks.
But thats not why I came back to this page tonight.
When my world feels off, topsy-turvy and in a way that I can't relate to the people that are around me, I turn to this place. Because here I just write what I'm feeling. No expectations. No worries about how things will be misconstrued. No angst in waiting for a response that I may never get. I write here, because later I can still find this place, I can find my words and be reminded of who I was when I arranged these letters just so.

My heart hurts for the world. I think more than it ever has before. Don't get me wrong, the terrorist attacks on 9/11 were awful.
But so much in the past week I have seen the hatred of the world in a way I've never personally seen before.
What happened in Paris was awful, it was, I won't deny that.
But the fact that it gets so much more attention than the rest of the world is sad. Sickening, even.
Yes, I am a fairly privileged white woman. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I don't have to worry about how I will get where I need to be. There are so many things that I don't have to worry about and I take that for granted.
Why can't we- the collective we, humanity- be decent and open our arms and hearts to those that are suffering more than we could possibly even imagine?
Why don't we reach out and help?
YES. There are things that we do wrong on our own soil, things that we could do better. YES, we have homeless people that deserve more than they get. But at least the homeless aren't nation-less.

I am angry that our knee jerk reaction to fight terror is to commit terrorism right back- we don't call it that, though. But when you go and bomb a place to get rid of the "bad guys" what is that? How do we know they didn't think they were getting rid of the bad guys?

Why can  we not take a minute to see what they are trying to tell us? Maybe they do these awful things to get our attention- why can't we listen to them? Think of the child that acts up in a classroom, I'm thinking of a kid that is in elementary school - do we automatically suspend him because he acted inappropriately? No. We try to understand where he is coming from and fix the problem. I get it, its harder to see so clearly when people have died for seemingly no reason.
Maybe these people had such an awful life where no one cared about them that they thought the only way to fix the problem was to die and to take out as many others as possible because they felt so wronged by the people on this planet that they wanted more people to feel the pain. It worked, right? Facebook has a temporary profile picture. EVERYONE is talking about what happened in France. But more than that, people have started to identify more with hate and anger rather than compassion and empathy. That's where we are going wrong.

A whole new world

I thought I hadn't written in almost a year, so I was surprised to see my last post was in February. But so much has changed since that post. My whole life has changed. So, in case anyone was wondering, here is what has happened:
- 6 vet school rejections (although I received most of them before February)
- notification of being put on the waiting list for one vet school
- 2 acceptances to vet schools
- 1 new job, with an amazing boss, who has since left
- 2 dog deaths
- brother moving

But tonight I dont really want to write about vet school or really my life. I want to write about something that has happened tangently to my life. I want to write a story that isnt really mine to tell, but on the other hand I dont know that its being told anywhere else, so why not. And the story has had an impact on my life, even though I havent experienced it. Who knows how far it will impact me.

Growing up I heard the stories of how my dad was a single dad to my brothers. I heard about the awful things that his ex did and in many ways, I am living proof that he got through them and is a better person because of them. When I started my new job in February I met a man who seemed to be going through many of the same struggles that I heard stories of growing up. The difference: this man had 4 children, 2 girls (the oldest and youngest) and 2 boys (the middle kids). He had an ex who was no good, who had tried to commit suicide more than once. This woman would set times to visit the kids and then come up with shitty excuses as to why she couldnt make it. She spent her money on alcohol rather than paying her child support. Basically she is a deadbeat and doesnt even deserve to see her children. But this man, lets call him A, tried to make it so that she could have a relationship with her kids. He kind of bent over backwards for her. Not because he wanted to see her more, no their relationship was done and over (she realized she was gay) but he wanted to do the right thing for the kids. The number one thing that I learned about this man was that though he was a manager, a man responsible for a store succeeding, he was a father first. His kids were his number one priority, always. Who cant admire that? Seriously. A dad who would do anything for his kids is probably one of the most attractive things in this world. So when the time came that he could no longer afford the childcare that his kids needed while he worked, he did the only thing he knew to do, turn in his resignation. He had to move home, closer to his parents, to his family, so that he could continue to provide for his kids. He made the comment to me that his childcare cost or was going to cost more a month than his house payment and his car payment combined. Our district manager is a schmuck and wasnt going to allow him to transfer, so he had to resign. But then the universe, or some would say god, had a better idea. The person who is the district manager for the store that is by A's parents house called and asked if he was interested in being a manager for her, for that store. Things moved fast after that. Hes been gone for just over a month now and I feel his loss every day- even though I talk to him nearly every day.
A is not just a father, though that is clearly his most important role. He is a friend, a manager and someone who I look up to. If and when I own a clinic or my own business I hope that I can be half the manager that he is, because he is the best superior I have ever had.
I dont know why he stayed with his ex for so long, especially since he told me that he knew 2 years into the marriage that he had to worry about her leaving him for a woman sooner than she had to worry about him leaving her for another woman. Or why he had 4 children with her. But I do know that his 4 children are very lucky to have him as a father. And that he is one hell of a man, and I hope that even if he says he doesnt ever want to get married again, he finds happiness and contentment. I also hope that I can continue to call him a friend, because hes a really great one!

Body image

Lets take a moment here and talk about body image. I know it's not exactly an easy subject, so I'll talk about mine.

I'm not a woman that is petite or skinny. Nor am I someone who overly large. I mean technically my BMI classifies me as being overweight, but it's just a number. So is my weight- it's just a number, quantifying my personal gravity.
Around this time last year I was successfully losing weight, it made me happy. I got to the point where I was halfway to my goal, and I just wanted another 15 pounds gone. And the weight loss stopped.
There's a magic number that I've hovered around since, any reading above that number and I'm sad. Readings below that number and I am super happy and I eat something extra.
I gave up sodas for 40 days or so. But then I decided I really liked them and this was my body and if I wanted a soda I should be able to have a soda. I promptly fell off the bandwagon and there were days when I would have 5 or 6 servings of soda. Damn. Soda is good, but not THAT good. I should enjoy it in moderation.
Ah, moderation. That's the word that we are always given, right? Moderation of alcohol, of sweets, of anything we really like, because its probably bad for us.
Moderation is good. Going off the deep end can be good too- you just gotta believe in yourself to be able to swim to get back into the shallow end.
But I digress, this is about body image, not my feelings about food or the magic number.
My body image varies daily. One day I think I look absolutely fantastic and the next I look totally awful. I didn't continue to push myself to lose the additional 15 pounds to my goal weight because I generally feel good about where I am. Yes, I have this little pooch of fat. Yes, I have love handles, but ok. IT IS OK. This body is mine and so far, it hasn't let me down in anything I've wanted to do.
Also, I wear the same sized clothes now that I did in high school. I started high school approximately 10 years ago. I am approximately 10 pounds heavier than I was in high school. And last year I was more fit than I had been in high school.
And my whole point about this post is that my body image is fluid. As is most of my body, it changes, it adapts and it is mine. Don't punish your body for having a little more fluff than you want.
What I am saying, is find a happy spot with your body. A place where you like yourself, generally. You don't have to love yourself every day, just a piece of yourself. Love your mind today if your body is god awful. Love your heart. Your personality. We are not just our body, we are a whole package.
On the other hand, if you wake up some day and find yourself heavier than you've ever been and you are unhappy and generally don't like where your habits are, change them. It doesn't have to be a big change, sometimes a small change makes all the difference in the world.
But most of all, do not be overly harsh on yourself. You are a work in progress. Your body is a work in progress, your mind, your fitness, your education. We are not ever stagnant beings. We move, we breathe, we eat and we find ways to deal.
Last night, I looked at myself in the mirror, really looked at my whole being. I didn't hate it. I didn't LOVE it, but I was happy with it. I am not perfect, last week, I was more than 1-2 pounds over my "magic" number and I was miserable. So, I ate healthier, I exercised more and I got back down to my "respectable" weight. Like I said, its a fluid thing. Its not perfect. But my body does every single thing that I demand of it, and for that I am grateful and I will take it out, proudly. That's not saying I'll be wearing a bikini anytime soon. But I will love at least a piece of myself every single day. 

Apparent Propane Catastrophe in our house....

Its not really a catastrophe- not at all, in fact. Its just that sometimes I think my father is a bigger princess than the rest of us.
So, about 6pm Dad checks the thermostat. The temp is 66 degrees and things are set to keep the house at 70. Dad says "I bet we are out of propane." He goes outside, and indeed our tank says 0. None. Nada.
His reaction is to get worried and kind of mad and to call all the numbers to see what we can do. Not necessarily a bad thing, except its 6pm on Superbowl Sunday and there is a propane shortage in the midwest.
Mom and I point this out. We say "there is a shortage, we may not be able to get propane and if we can it may be more than $5 a gallon, is it really worth it?"
I should also mention that when the propane people came and filled the tank this fall they noticed a leak and apparently they were supposed to send someone out to check it. No one ever came. Dad- manager of the house since hes been retired- never followed up with them, so who knows how much money leaked out of that tank. I dont think we've ever run out of propane before and Saturday I was almost blown away by the smell of propane just outside the front door. (Today he tells the propane people that the wife has noticed the smell for a couple of weeks but never said anything. Um. Excuse me, you knew there was a leak when they FILLED THE TANK.)
So we have no propane. Dang. Not cool. But you know what we DO have? Electricity. Water. Food. Animals (they can help keep us warm) and wait for it. A buck stove. A wood burning device that can be used to heat the house- damn, what a concept.
So while dad is running around mildly panicked about not having propane and being absolutely totally sure that they will come out to FILL the tank Monday when he calls mom builds a fire. And since its starting to precipitate outside and our wood isnt covered... I bring in several loads of wood so that we have dry fuel to feed the fire.
I know that being without propane could be a bad thing. But I just wasnt seeing it last night. Really. I mean, come ON. We have the means by which to keep the house relatively warm.
Mom and I were ready to tackle the rest of the winter propane-less. But dad isnt having it.
Today, first thing out of his shower he calls the propane people and asks for propane. They will deliver tomorrow, Tuesday and its not $5 a gallon, not even $4 a gallon- so thats nice. But here's what I find pretty funny: they arent going to send someone out to check the line for a leak until Friday. Ok. Wait a second. Lets fill up a tank with a known leak on Tuesday and not check the leak to see how big it is until Friday.
Does anyone else see how this could be a MAJOR waste of funds AND resources?
While theres a major propane shortage in parts of the country, lets fill up a leaky tank, SO WE CAN LEAK PROPANE OUT BECAUSE WHAT THE HECK? really? REALLY?
Also, whos responsible for the line? The gas company says they wont know that until they check it. My dad is retired, my mom is the sole source of income in this household and lets fill up a tank (for the second time this year) so that it can LEAK while we wait for someone to check the line and oh-by-the-way we might be responsible for fixing the line.
I think, at the end of the day, my rant is not about the propane as much as about money. I know I am not perfect, and yes, I am probably somewhat of a financial burden on my parents, but you know what I did about that? I went and found a job- a steady, part-time job. And I am working to be very aware of the money I spend and how I spend it.
I know that it might be distorted, but since dad's retirement, I see him spending money like its going out of style but the heart of the matter is that for about 7 months my mother was the ONLY one making ANY money in the house. And since I was aware of this, I worked hard to cut down on my spending rather than keep spending money as much as I was. I am thankful that my family has the means that it does, and I hope that I can be careful about MY money so that I can function in the world, on my own, when it comes to that.

Eight Years

I started this blog in December 2005 that was eight years ago, EIGHT!
Wow.
In that time I've graduated high school, dealt with death in a completely new way, gone away to college, gone out of the country on my own, graduated college, worked for a whole year like a normal person with an 8-5 job, gone back to school and applied to veterinary school.
Also in that time I've watched 2 nieces grow older and 3 nephews be born and grow.
I've gone from being a teenager to being officially in my mid-twenties.
Thirty is looming ever closer mostly because I will be looking it right in the eye if I manage to get into and through vet school.
But while I know I have changed in the last 8 years, its only been this past 1 year that I feel more changed than ever before.
I still have a lot left to experience but last year I was still kind of stuck and angsty and worried about relationships. Kind of like, I have to have a romantic relationship to save face in the world. I need to be coupled off with a person for X amount of time for it to be worthy and then maybe I will be happy. Thats where I was last year.
Thats not where I am this year.
This year I am decidedly less angsty. My life is happy, though I could stand to move out of my parents house- I dont push it because I know it will happen, eventually. I have friends getting engaged and married left and right and I am genuinely happy. Like whoa- who knew that I would be excited to go to so many weddings? And I even look forward to them believing that there won't be someone on my arm. I am me, I am actually a pretty cool, though oftentimes boring person and I am ok with who I am. Really. For like the first time I am happy being me. Just me. Period.
I am not looking for that relationship to define myself as a normal person- lets just go with the fact that I am not normal in that respect though incredibly, totally normal in other respects.
I am better at depending on myself for support- I dont always like it and there are times when all I want in this world is a hug, but I get through it.
And while I might be in a holding pattern right now as far as where my life is going. I will know definitively my moves for at least the next year in approximately 106 days.
Times are a changing, people. Hold on!

Reduced

Her ankle is broken. Her state relatively fragile.
Now she is safely recuperating from surgery in the hospital and we are all home safe.
Time for me to cry myself to sleep.
Fear for what could have been.
Fear because the hospital she's at is the hospital I last visited when my other grandma fell.
Fear because Grandma Carnes died at 85, Grandma Albert is now 85.
Fear of the unknown.
But relief that she's fixed.

My ideal

In avoiding some homework, I turn to my blog- as is my habit.
Its when I should be thinking about things such as anthrax that I decide to think about my legacy- so to speak.
I think of where I'm going and where I've come from.
Its the holiday season and they are always hard because I desperately miss my grandma- she was a feisty woman and she loved all of her progeny so much that I miss her so much during family times. I think of how she got to see all of her grandchildren turn 18. And something that is more special to me specifically- she got to see me go away to college- whether or not she was actually "there" to see it, as in mentally, is not something that I think about- I like to think she was. But I also think of the things shes missing- theres a whole nother (my spell check says nother isnt a word, does that mean its slang?) generation that shes missing, thats missing her. I have 5 nieces and nephews, 2 of which never met her and the others probably barely remember.
But as such, I am her legacy- at least partially. And I think of that randomly. I am at least part of who I am because of her. I make Red Baron single pizzas and the smell takes me back to her babysitting my brothers and myself. I see Barq's root beer and I think of her, she ALWAYS stocked her fridge with the sodas that we liked- Barq's especially. She had Breyer's frozen yogurt- because it was better for you and Breyer's regular yogurt. I can't even tell you the hours that we sat in her living room floor and played card games- yes, even after she turned 80. She was special, so special. And I was her favorite because I was the baby of her baby.
So I think about my legacy - I know its a little strange, I am only 24 years old and I don't have children, but I will leave a legacy. My nieces and nephews at this point are my legacy- at least to a certain extent. I hope that I have touched their world in a way that no one else has. I hope that I have been able to show them something that they wouldn't have learned from their parents. I hope they know how much I love them and how much, in some ways I live to make them proud, sort of? Let me think that through.
I've quit a job where I could have moved up and I decided to go back to school. My nephew gets really sad when I tell him that I may be moving away for 4 years and that breaks my heart, but theres a bigger lesson for him to see: I am leaving the things that I know and love so as to follow a dream.
And my nieces, I want to be a person for them to turn to, no matter what is going on in their lives- thats going to be hard if I'm 4+ hours away, but there are cell phones and I have told them that they can call me for whatever reason- to share anything with me.
I may be chasing a dream but more than that, I am showing my nieces and nephews that dreams CAN change and you CAN chase them even if you thought you were going to do something else with your life. I can only hope that those are the things that they get from me. But on the other hand I know that kids dont always understand the things you are desperate for them to understand- sometimes they find a different message, a better message, and thats ok too. As long as they know that I love them and I will be there for them, all is well in the world.

Assets

So I went to a Halloween party dressed up as Lara Croft. And almost immediately after I got there, a guy came up behind me and started saying things like "uh huh" and "oh yea" I got the distinct impression that he was admiring my, um... assets. My first reaction was to ignore him- which is what I actually did. And then later, he said "wanna sit on my lap" as I was walking over near him, looking for something. To say I was uncomfortable would be an understatement. Don't be sly with me, dont appreciate my assets without talking to my face, and for god's sake, dont wear a mask if you want me to think fondly of you- I dont like when I cant see people's faces.
And then I did see this guy's face- he was actually pretty attractive, and he did talk to me and was pretty nice. My bad first impression was smoothed over... or something like that.
But then I thought about it... more and more...
Yes, having a guy appreciate my assets was kind of nice- it doesnt happen often. But then again, it was gross and made me feel like decking the guy. Talk to me, to my face. Dont just be impressed by my body, be impressed by my mind, my intellect, by what I have to offer. Talk to my face, not my butt- because my face is more likely to talk back.... just sayin.
Yesterday, I thought "man, I just really dont know how to act when someone admires me". Today though, today I know that when someone talks to my face, I will react differently. I mean dont get me wrong, Im not that good with face to face interaction, but when someone sticks with me, is willing to break into my bubble, I'll talk to them and I'll be nice and who knows, maybe a connection might even be made.
But you gotta say hi first... I'm not good at making the first move. Haha.
At least I know my limitations?

Happiness

Sometimes happiness is when you learn to let everything go. Life will happen, either you will get what you want or you won't. Don't agonize over the what if's but do what you can. By all means keep working, just know that end the end what's meant to be will find a way. And, life is good. 

I'm living in my happy place these days, and I'm so grateful! 

Wouldn't ya know...

So I'm home after a family vacation- family as in my brothers and their wives and kids were on the trip as well as my parents, 12 bodies in all. And while there were moments that sucked- I didnt get to see my nieces as much as I had hoped - I felt like this was the best family vacation that we have been on as a group (its the 3rd one). I was happy. I am happy.
I had my own room and I didn't feel lonely once. I was with my family- people who love me and I got to talk to others who love me. I didn't feel like the odd one out. I was grateful that I had my own room, my own space. Yes, it would have been fun to have the kids spend the night one night, but that didn't happen and its OK. Often when the family is around I feel lacking because I don't have a significant other or kids. But this time I was so happy. I didn't have to think about anyone but myself- ok, yes, I drove my car down so my parents depended on me some, but still I could go off and do my own thing. I could sit down in my room and read, or take the boys for a walk or watch MY tv shows. I could sit in MY room and do whatever it was that I wanted to do and I LOVED every single moment of it. I could sleep in the middle of the bed, and use all 5 pillows! (The 4 that the hotel provided and the one that I brought.) I felt comfortable and happy and at ease. I felt like I was me. I am the person I am meant to be. Life is truly good.
It made my heart happy to finally feel that way on a family vacation. Usually family vacations are full of angst for me.
And now I feel 2 things simultaneously. 1- I am ready to share my family vacations with a significant other. Things came together on this trip and I didn't hold things back and I felt good and I look forward to going on vacations with my significant other and kids in the future. 2- I am confident that if I DON'T have a significant other when we go on the next trip I will be totally fine and just as happy, if not happier.
I have found peace with where I am, who I am, what I am. There are still many things to come, but I am excited for them, I look forward to them. But until they come, I'm good. I'm in a good place- which is awesome. May you all find your happy places! :)

My famn damily.

No, that post title is not a typo. Just switch the first letters of the last 2 words... then you're speaking my language.
Its family vacation time again. A time for love, drama and hurt feelings.
The past 2 vacations I've kind of felt the odd one out. I am the odd one out, really... I am the one in her mid twenties thats not married. The one that doesn't exactly have a job. The one that is a perpetual student without a day job. It's been a part of my life, my identity that I've had to deal with, and in the past I havent exactly dealt with it gracefully.
One brother isnt even here yet and some shit has hit the fan. Sigh.
And it sucks, and my brother is being an ass... but you know what? Do you know what I've learned?
That I am lucky. That I have at least 2, maybe 4 kids that adore me and that there are reasons I am not married.
I see so much in the marriages of my brothers, I see and I'm not always jealous- dont get me wrong... I want to be married and I want kids, but my god sometimes the heartaches that happen are so petty, so awful and so stupid.
I know that when and if I get married it wont be perfect, I know that we will have our struggles and fights, but I hope to god that one day my husband tells his sister that he married the love of his life instead of telling his sister that his wedding anniversary is actually the day he made his biggest mistake.
What the fuck, what am I supposed to do with that knowledge. How AWFUL is that? And idiot, if you feel that way- leave her. Dont be miserable and make her miserable- how is that any way to live?
I am lucky to be where I am.
I hope that I find a man who loves me, who I love and who will work with me through issues instead of just blowing up during family vacations.
But for tonight, I will enjoy my simple life- and by simple I just mean unattached. ;)

Its been another year

Its not quite the 14th, yet, but I wanted to start on my yearly reflection on my grandmas death.
(Jeez that sounds morbid.)
Anyway, this year the  14th means more than just the anniversary of the burial of my grandma. It would have been G and my anniversary. Dont laugh. Ok, yea its a little weird, but anyway...
Last year on the 14th I went to G's apartment and I went on my first ever real honest to goodness date. It was wonderful. G and I had our little thing that kind of fizzled, then we didnt talk much, then we had embarrassing drunken texts and then we talked less, then we saw each other at a party and spent most of that evening chatting and we saw each other 4 more times over the course of 2 months-ish and now we are back to talking quite frequently. Usually I initiate conversation, which is fine, I dont obsess over it as much as I did last year because the meaning is different. G is my friend, he is a person who I can vent to about whatever is going on in my life, and for that I am grateful- SO GRATEFUL. But I can also tell him the most random crazy stuff and hes cool with that too. (Or so it seems- I dont want to convey thoughts in his head that may not actually be there.)
I will never forget on that first date, I told him it was the 5 year anniversary of burying my grandma (I know, not really first date material) and he looked horrified! It was actually kind of funny. And he said to me "we dont have to hang out." Which was a nice thing to say, and I appreciate the gesture, but really, what else should I do on the anniversary of my grandmas funeral? I think hanging out with someone is the perfect thing to do.
I knew then that he was going to be important in my life, but not in the way he is today. I found a person who inspired me. A person who can roll with my ups and downs. One who can take my hots and colds and still talk to me. (Now that Katy Perry song is stuck in my head.) I laugh at myself for some of the things that I've done in our friendship. For example, in March we had some interesting drunk texting. Then we barely talked. Yet, in April I was like "whats your address, want some postcards from foreign places." He was like "hell yea" and I sent him more postcards than I sent my family. WTF? haha. While I was on my trip I talked to him, more than I talked to anyone else, other than my family and the person I was traveling with. It was like I knew he would respond, and that was comforting, because it was a bit of home while I was away. And he had weird hours but I knew he would respond when he had the chance.
September 14* will always be the day that I buried my grandma and thus a time I will always remember her. But thanks to the last September 14th, it will also be a time when I remember just how much life is left, whats good in life and how to move forward. I needed to go on that date to move forward and make September 14 something more than it was, dwelling on the past, even in a positive manner, isn't necessarily the best thing to do.
I think that my grandma would be proud of me, of the person I am becoming. I am in a totally different place this year than I was last year and next year will also be completely different, but thats the beauty about life, it doesnt stand still. Life changes, you change and things evolve.
I was working at an accounting firm, now I am finishing the prerequisites for vet school. I started a relationship last September 14th and today its not the relationship I thought I was getting into, its a relationship that helps me grow. G is a one in a million kind of person and I'm lucky to have him as my friend.

*I realized/found out that we actually buried her on the 15, but the 14th will always be more important to me and I think I will continue to remember her on the 14th- its a little less morbid.

Bigger than one person

My life, its more than just me. I have a village that surrounds me, picks me up and rallies for me. I have people here and there and everywhere who believe in me, sometimes more than I believe in myself.
I am lucky.
I am happy.
And while I am facing one of the biggest challenges of my life, I know that no matter what happens, I will succeed.
I may trip and fall on my knees or even flat on my face, but someone will laugh at me and then help me up.
I would do the same for the lot of my believers.
Because in life we dont just believe our spirituality or our God or what-not.
We believe in each other and its that belief that makes the world a better place.
You believe in me and I believe in you.
You tell me secrets and Ill divulge mine to you.
You tell me your greatest fears and I'll help you fight them.
My life easily touches a dozen people but I think, really it touches more, not necessarily directly.
Its like a ripple. I made a change and maybe I inspired another person to make a change, and she inspired another who inspired another, my initial ripple is therefore never ending. What an amazing feeling. I helped me but I helped another person who helped another person.
So, you see
my life is bigger than just me.
My life, my decisions, my actions, they encompass so much more.
And thats something that resonates through me, right to my core.

Thank you, each and every person who is in my life. I am learning to appreciate each of you for your individual contributions to my life, my world, your world.

My cup overflows

I don't know what it is about today but today, life is beautiful.
I was hit with an overwhelming sense of peace, and recognition of my good fortune.
How lucky am I to be chasing my dreams. How lucky am I that my family supports my dreams- even though it will take me away from them for 4 years in a way I've never been away from them before. How lucky am I that I am relatively healthy- more healthy that I may have ever been in my life. How lucky am I that I have lungs that make it easy to breathe and legs that let me enjoy a run. How lucky am I that I get to have the animals that I want. How lucky am I that I have a good reliable car, that I can focus on my studying and that I have what feels like the biggest support group in the whole world.

Today I feel lucky, blessed, grateful and so many other good things.

Now and then

Every once in a while I am hit by what feels like an imaginary baseball bat in the gut. Now, I've been hit by a REAL baseball bat in the gut, so I know what it feels like, and how utterly breathtaking it is- and not in a good way. But baseball bat aside, I get hit, run over with this great feeling of SOMETHING about I, or S or whatever I've referred to him as I think hes had multiple aliases on this blog. And now I'll refer to him as Him- because its part of his name and why the hell not. Anyway, back to this feeling of something- I cant even define the something that I feel. I dont know if its longing or hurt or just wanting to be in contact with him. Maybe its as simple as I miss my friend. In all my OTHER relationships with guys, I generally talk to them again- I mean hell I talk to G almost every day again- which is awesome- but beside the point, sort of.
When it comes to Him I am currently totally lost. I sent letters while he was away- and I got positive feedback, but then maybe I came on too strong? Because it feels like all ties were cut. Here is a friend, a person that I turned to when my life when left right up and down and I had to find out third hand that something awful happened to him- and I dont know more. I know I have crazy moments, but I like to think I'm not over the top - or if I am - that people can rein me in and I can then act like a normal human being!

And right when I was delving into this blog post, G texted me to ask how the Him situation was going. World's greatest friend, there.
Can I just say how lucky I am to have been able to go from friend to more to nothing back to friend? G is amazing.

Equal and Opposite Reaction

Not sure yet if the title has anything to do with the post other than I am avoiding having to study for physics.
I think about where I am now, and where I was a year ago, hell I can even think about where I was 2 years ago.
This time 2 years ago I was starting to get worried about finding a job. Here I was sitting with a degree which was useful and I had no bites on a job. I wanted a job, so bad. I was ready to start my post grad life. I had a 2 year plan. Land a job that paid reasonably well (I was hoping to make $27,000 after taxes) and save as much as possible for 2 years then use the savings as a down payment on a house somewhere close to home but in the next county over. I was pining over J who had kissed me 2 nights before I graduated and then basically became smoke in the air. I was looking forward to a new start and anxious to get it started.
This time last year I had a job, one that DIDNT pay me what I had been hoping for, but it was a job in the size firm that I was hoping for but I was learning that it wasnt necessarily leading where I wanted it to. I was an intern, after busting my buns during tax season. I had failed all 4 parts of the CPA exam and I was learning that what I had learned in school was not what I was practicing in real life and that maybe, just maybe I didnt want a desk job for the rest of my life. I was talking to this really great guy, G, who kept me up to the wee hours of the morning just because we had so much to talk about. We had what my friends referred to as cyber dates where we watched the same movie at the same time and talked about it- cute, no? And I was anxious to SEE G. Talking was great, but I wanted to spend time with him.
This time this year I am back in school working on prerequisites for and applying to vet school. G and I "dated" for a couple of weeks - and I put that in quotes because it was only so short. I still think the world of him and recently we have sort of started talking a bit, but not NEARLY as much as we did last year. I am learning the difference between being a friend and being someone a person is interested in- its a learning experience, for sure. I dont think I ever recognized before the difference- maybe because I generally cycle people (ahem J and I). I saved a fair amount of money, but spent it all on a 2.5 week trip to Ireland and Scotland and a new puppy instead of keeping it around for a down payment on a house. I have a new dream, a new 5 year plan, and things that I wanted to happen sooner rather than later are getting pushed to later- I'm talking a serious romantic relationship and (eventually) kids. OH and this year I have a new nephew! So may changes, but only now am I really realizing it. Even 7 months ago, I didnt know I would be where I am now, I love it- well sort of. I am excited to be on this journey to what I think will be a more fulfilling life, but I miss a regular paycheck and being able to be "done" with the day at 5pm. Oddly enough though. And! My dad is retired, another change.
Looking forward to this time next year, with any luck I will be moving away from home- like at least 4 hours away- with my 2 dogs and I will be embarking on a 4 year journey through vet school. I will be missing the early teen years of my nieces and some of the formidable younger years of my nephews but I know that, really, I will be showing them something more valuable than they will recognize at the time. I will be showing them that even when it means leaving everything that you know, you can and should chase the dreams chase the things that will, in the long run, make you happy. These are lessons that their parents wont be able to instill in them and that grandma can only tell them about. Its me, who will be the example. By doing what I am doing, I am showing that what you think you will like doesnt have to be your ultimate lifetime career. There's so much riding on vet school. I feel the pressure every day, I carry all of those weights with me, every day, but I know in the end it will ALL be worth it.
And since Im here, why dont I look 5 years down the road? With any luck, I will have graduated from vet school. I imagine I will come back close to home to be with the kiddos. The girls will be 16 and 14. The boys 12, 10 and 5. And my beloved Payton, if we are lucky will be 14 and still kicking. Perhaps my mom will own the clinic and I will work with her, like I have for so much of my life and maybe, if I am really lucky, I'll be able to start think about starting a family of my own.
I know that life rarely works out the way we plan, but if nothing else works out, I hope, really hope that I get into vet school.

I am me.

And I like communication and I've decided I am not going to hold back. I am going to talk to you as much as I want. If you dont respond, thats not going to necessarily dissuade me- I mean it might eventually disuade me. But I am me, and I like talking and interacting with people and so thats what I am going to do. Either you interact back, you ignore me or you eventually tell me to f-off.
I mean, I know it took me a while to get back to the talking stage but, this is me... I do things in yearly cycles. I'm weird like that. And I miss the talking for hours on end that we had. I get that we are in a different place now, but that doesnt mean that I dont think we cant or shouldnt be friends. In fact, I think the very opposite. I think being friends, good friends- if thats possible- is a great thing.
So heres to communication. Because thats how I roll. Haha.

Nearly Dead

I was told informed yesterday that the person that I wrote about in my last post was found in early June nearly dead. And when I say nearly, I mean about as close to dead as one can get without being dead- he wasnt breathing when he was found. Or so Im told. I got the story from my mom who only heard pieces of the story from his mom.
And ive been reeling. What can I do, what really happened, why do I only find out a month later, what happened to my friend. And none of my questions are being answered and I dont know what to do, where to start, or even just to let the whole thing go.
I miss my friend.

I deserve better

There was a person in my life, who I met in 2004 who always turned up at turning points in my life. If I was going through something tough, he was there. If I just needed to vent, he was there. He has consistently lived 500 miles away from me and seeing him has generally been hard. He has even lived more than 5000 miles away. But there was always a constant: he was there and I could count on him. 

That constant changed in December. And the change keeps evolving. You see, election night I got a message from him about wanting to Skype, but I was involved with someone else at the time and I knew skyping with this guy would tangle me up on the inside. So I didn't Skype with him. But that night he said some things that, lets be honest here, took me by surprise, but in a good way. Nothing bad just I want to hear your voice and I wish I was with you right now. I obsessed over those words, like I do, and when he went to basic training I sent about 16 letters. I got one back: I love hearing for you, please keep writing, yes you are crazy but that's what I love about you. I talked to him briefly when he was on leave for Christmas- please keep writing. I've written you back twice. (I never did get that second letter.) I was beside myself. So, because his mom is out of the country and I didn't know his siblings plans for his basic training graduation, I emailed his mom- she's much better at communication and emailed me back within about 2 hours. She said: I don't know if his siblings, grandma or girlfriend are going down. 

Wait, what? Girlfriend? What the hell, man? 

I was floored- although I had just the previous week said to my friends- what if he has a girlfriend and he just hasn't told me? Seems my intuition was right. 

So I send a letter that didn't rip him a new one but said, basically "hey man, why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend". 

I haven't heard a peep from him since the first day of January when he said keep writing your letters get me through training. 

Not a god damned peep. 

That was 6 months ago. 

Then, last week, he updates his relationship status to have been dating this girl since August of last year. AUGUST!  

Election night was in November. A whole 2 and a half months into his relationship he wanted to Skype and hear my voice. When he said "I really wish I was with you now." 

You can't say that to someone who will believe in anything, to someone who will read into it like I do when you are in a relationship. God damnit. 

So, long story short, I miss the person who showed up at the most random but most needed moments in my life for the last 8 years. I wish though he was able to say "hey, I've got a girlfriend, I'm not gonna talk to you anymore. But I guess I'm not worthy, in his mind for that. 

Ack! Pisses me off. I deserve better. An yet, the person who hasn't talked to me in 6 months, who won't talk to me, is the person that I still think about more than almost anyone else. There is one other person I think about frequently, but really I don't need to be thinking about either one. Neither one of them are in my life, nor should they be, really. 

Get out of my head

I'm in Ireland I should be playing happy and crazy and just plain having fun. I'm annoyed because military man is in my head and has been since i left home. Dude get out of my head. You do not deserve to be there... I deserve to let you go. Let me let you go.

23- Take 2...

I liked 23 soo much, Im gonna do it again. I dont wanna be 24.

I have birthday issues. And I've had lots of hurt feelings over birthday plans.
But I've also realized its something that I need to work on, so Im gonna do that.
What struck me as funny, not funny haha but funny interesting. Was that for my 20's I've spent most of the time that is my birthday by myself. I remember on my 20th birthday, I was kind of left alone and I cried myself to sleep- I think I even wrote a blog about it, but Im not about to go look because if Im right that would just be depressing. When I was 21 I spent the day volunteering for the humane society at Rolex, I spent time in my dorm room all by my lonesome and then I headed home. Granted I did have a few friends come out, but they arrived later. The majority of my day was by myself. Twenty-two- that one I wasnt by myself, except to go to the bathroom. lol. Twenty-three though, I took the day off work and I went shopping by myself. Today, 24- i mean 23-take 2, I spent most of the day by myself, studying.
I usually dont lament about spending so much time by myself. Usually, I have no problem about it, but for some reason, I felt that being by myself on my birthday was kind of sad. Should I be around people that I love and who love me? Sure, and I was for pieces of every one of those birthdays. But its the days when its hard to be by myself that are the most important. Im learning to be happy to spend time with me and that will make things easier in life later. Life isnt all roses. In fact theres only pieces that are roses. Life is hard, it sucks and it will mess you up. But those moments, those moments of perfection, thats what makes it all worthwhile.
So heres to learning to be happy not because its expected or because you feel obligated, but because you actually enjoy your life. I wouldnt trade my life for anything. Even the parts that suck or drive me nuts! :)

Time changes everything, and sometimes nothing.

I went to a Tractor Supply today. I do this actually once a month or every 2 months, so it shouldnt be a big deal. Besides J hasnt worked at Tractor Supply for over a year now, and I havent seen J in a year and a half or more. Regardless, every single time I walk into a Tractor Supply, no matter which one it is, I expect him to come up behind me and grab me. Every single time, my blood pressure goes up. Add the sound of boots on the floor and I want to hid. Add the sound of keys AND boots and I'm tense as a board. Its like Im transported to a time where things were good between us.
And yet hes not a part of my life anymore nor do I want him to be.

Its funny, in college, I was willing to change my life plans based on how the people I was growing close to were going to live their lives. J wanted to go work for Tractor Supply corporate and so I was gonna find a way to go to grad school in Nashville. Bout thats not who I am anymore. I found the selfish part of me and want to chase MY dreams, not be a sideline to someone else's dreams, nor do I necessarily want someone to be a sideline to my dreams. This is not the time for me to find someone to spend my life with. This is the time for me to live my life for me. To be scared and yet chase my dreams with everything that I have. Let go of whatever's coming and take a 2 and a half week trip with a good friend, even if that means missing the birth of my nephew. My life is changing and its something that I want to soak up. I may not see the differences day by day or week by week, but I know they are coming, I feel them, and Im selfish enough not to want to share that with someone else. This is MY dream, I am paying the price and so I should get to reap the benefits. :)

Just say it

I realize that a relationship didnt happen with G, much to his dismay. And I realize that last week was hard on me and probably just as hard on him. But maybe something that others don't realize, is that he laid it all out. Told me how he felt, no holds barred. And that, that is something that I wish every person would do. Wouldn't the world be easier if we all knew where we stood with one another? I hope that he was able to get the same clarity from me, even if it's not necessarily what he wanted to hear. Life has it's ups and downs goods and bads but there are so many people in my life that don't tell me where I stand and I hate it. I will always be honest, it won't always be pretty and I might hurt feelings, but we can't scare away from that, because it only makes life harder.
A while ago I confessed feelings to a person, he never responded. Ever. I still haven't heard from him, months later. But I talked to his mom, because our families are friends, and she told me that he had a girlfriend. I was downright shocked. And I asked him about it "why didnt you tell me before I made a fool of myself?" Still nothing. Is he ashamed that he didnt tell me or that I went out on a limb? Does he care? I don't know, and that's the hardest part of life. Uncertainty.
I'll tell you something though. I am not ashamed. I own my feelings, every single one of them. Going out on a limb like I did, it was actually empowering. I felt good afterwards. Now, it seems like I've kind of lost a friend and that really stinks, but if he isn't man enough to acknowledge what I've said and set the record straight, then why the hell do I want anything to do with him?
Yea, lets be real here, feelings aren't it and dry. They don't disappear, appear or change just because they've been acknowledged-or not- they are more complex. We are more complex. But I hope that people strive to be more real with one another. And G if you are reading this, I wish you all the happiness in the world, I do. But I don't think it includes me.