A "sister" asked me tonight "What would it take to make you happy?" my answer? I dont know. Honest. But I can tell you some things that would bring me out of the tetering depression that I currently have. Time away from the sorority. (We had another membership selection tonight and for the nth time in a row, I thought to myself, I really REALLY dont want to be here.) Knowing that my brothers and neices/nephews and the rest of my family was happy. Stressed, maybe, but happy with their overall lives, and I just dont know if that will happen for one of them. Gosh I hope it does because my family, and my brothers especially deserve the best. Spending some actual, quality time with my family would also be nice. The hard part about that is that I am in Lexington- and over my homesickness, and so I dont have the opportunities to see everyone that I had before, and thats hard. I miss my parents, my grandma's cooking and life advice, and watching my brothers play basketball, not to mention the laughs that I always get from hanging out with the little ones of the family. And animals- it is REALLY REALLY hard for someone like me, who has grown up with LOTS of animals ALL her life, its hard to be animal-less for any period of time. So seeing and being able to be with animals would be great.
For me its the little things that bring a smile to my face, thats the easy part, now I have to find a way to keep that smile on the inside as well as the outside.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Disappointment
No, I am not a disappointment, other than the occasional times that my parents tell me that they are disappointed in me I never feel like a disappointment. No, I am disappointed in sorority life. I wrote on this a little earlier in the school year but heres another round.
I like most of the people who are in my sorority, they are good people, and I am glad that I have gotten to know them. But as it is SO often pointed out, sorority life isnt just about the people. There are politics and judgements that happen that people may or may not know about. My "sisters" talk about the good things of ritual, and how they are "proud to be our sister" but I just cant get those warm-fuzzies. I am trying to understand, trying to stick with it but I dont have that much more in me. Sure, everyone is entitled to their own personal judgements, but I dont like the fact that a negative judgement from a select group of people can serve as "THE" judgement from the body as a whole. I just cant get on board with that.
I go to every required meeting, I do all the things necessary but I just cant get more involved, because this sorority is literally sucking the life out of me. We have meetings every Monday, and I am probably a bitch to anyone who comes around me leading up to the meetings, and then after just about every meeting I just want to cry.
I am not going to just give up, and play dead. No, I will stick with my decision of being a part of this sorority until April, mostly because I have paid my dues through April. But once April rolls around I will not harbor any hard feelings toward the organization, but rather we will just go our separate ways.
For all of those who read this that are torn in regards to sorority life, here is what I have to say: sororities are great social aspects of campus, whether its a big campus or a small campus, but if you have reservations going in, think about why you are concerned and maybe talk to others that are actually initiated members. Granted they may not want to answer your questions but dont take the "its just so great to have so many friends that I can call on at any time" aspect for a real answer, because the thruth of the matter is that those people may not always be there for you, and sometimes the hardest decisions in life, or the hardest falls that we face, are things that we have to get through as individuals. There are times in our lives that we have to take responsibility for who we are and what we stand for and we cannot let an organization mold us into something that we arent. All in all, its important to be an individual, its important to listen to what you brain and your heart has to say, and most of all its important to not get caught up in all the emotions of a moment to make a decision that may affect the rest of your life.
I like most of the people who are in my sorority, they are good people, and I am glad that I have gotten to know them. But as it is SO often pointed out, sorority life isnt just about the people. There are politics and judgements that happen that people may or may not know about. My "sisters" talk about the good things of ritual, and how they are "proud to be our sister" but I just cant get those warm-fuzzies. I am trying to understand, trying to stick with it but I dont have that much more in me. Sure, everyone is entitled to their own personal judgements, but I dont like the fact that a negative judgement from a select group of people can serve as "THE" judgement from the body as a whole. I just cant get on board with that.
I go to every required meeting, I do all the things necessary but I just cant get more involved, because this sorority is literally sucking the life out of me. We have meetings every Monday, and I am probably a bitch to anyone who comes around me leading up to the meetings, and then after just about every meeting I just want to cry.
I am not going to just give up, and play dead. No, I will stick with my decision of being a part of this sorority until April, mostly because I have paid my dues through April. But once April rolls around I will not harbor any hard feelings toward the organization, but rather we will just go our separate ways.
For all of those who read this that are torn in regards to sorority life, here is what I have to say: sororities are great social aspects of campus, whether its a big campus or a small campus, but if you have reservations going in, think about why you are concerned and maybe talk to others that are actually initiated members. Granted they may not want to answer your questions but dont take the "its just so great to have so many friends that I can call on at any time" aspect for a real answer, because the thruth of the matter is that those people may not always be there for you, and sometimes the hardest decisions in life, or the hardest falls that we face, are things that we have to get through as individuals. There are times in our lives that we have to take responsibility for who we are and what we stand for and we cannot let an organization mold us into something that we arent. All in all, its important to be an individual, its important to listen to what you brain and your heart has to say, and most of all its important to not get caught up in all the emotions of a moment to make a decision that may affect the rest of your life.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Feel Like Something is Missing.
Its not a bad thing, and its something I have talked about probably ad naudium (I think thats the right word) recently. I just feel like theres something missing in my life, yes my family is great, and so are my friends, and basketball comes close to filling the void but its still not enough. And yes I am shy AT FIRST, but get me talking and I wont shut up, I worry that some of my newfound basketball friends might get kind of "WHOA, I dont want to talk to you so much" occasionally but thus far they keep talking to me, or at least most of them do. The one that I want to talk to the most, almost like a desperation, its like pulling tooth and nail with him just to get him to say 1 word. Its so frustrating. On the other hand I am making fast friends with the other guys, and that warms my heart and soul! :) Still even if there is no future with me and the Saint it would at least be nice to be friends with him, I am beginning to wonder if he is also a shy person. I mean it kinda fits. Anyway, all I can do right now is just keep trying, I mean if he gets tired of it he can always tell me to shut up! But it means that he will have to talk to me.
Other than that I just have to keep on keeping on, and things will fall into place. My friend Victoria is starting an archery club here at school and is nominating me as vice president, which I find SO exciting! I havent gotten to shoot in a while and people on campus seem pretty up to the idea, most importantly my friends and some of the basketball players, which I find perfect, just perfect. :)
Ah, well then, another rant about my life is done!
Other than that I just have to keep on keeping on, and things will fall into place. My friend Victoria is starting an archery club here at school and is nominating me as vice president, which I find SO exciting! I havent gotten to shoot in a while and people on campus seem pretty up to the idea, most importantly my friends and some of the basketball players, which I find perfect, just perfect. :)
Ah, well then, another rant about my life is done!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Quiet Snowfall
Just looked out the window and theres some pretty snow out there, and its still coming down. I love the way that snow mutes everything else. My roomie has gone to spend the night with her mom at the Hyatt and Im enjoying the quiet but also I kinda feel lonely. I dont think I will be one to live by myself, I like human contact too much! Anyway, Ive talked to my mom and a friend and just had time to think about things in general.
I feel that if you have a mostly good life, you dont think about the things that are going well, no, at least for me I just keep picking up on the part of my life that dont seem just peachy. And the top thing on the list is the whole boyfriend issue, I feel as if I think about this and talk about this a lot. But its ok, I really am ok with being by myself, at least for now, because honestly do I have enough time for a guy in my life? I dont really think so, I mean I have 4 classes to keep up with and then there are the basketball games! haha. Ah, anyway this is just me saying that Im ready for it to happen, and when it happens Ill be happy. And until then I will focus on calculus! Anyway, goodnight and happy snow.
I feel that if you have a mostly good life, you dont think about the things that are going well, no, at least for me I just keep picking up on the part of my life that dont seem just peachy. And the top thing on the list is the whole boyfriend issue, I feel as if I think about this and talk about this a lot. But its ok, I really am ok with being by myself, at least for now, because honestly do I have enough time for a guy in my life? I dont really think so, I mean I have 4 classes to keep up with and then there are the basketball games! haha. Ah, anyway this is just me saying that Im ready for it to happen, and when it happens Ill be happy. And until then I will focus on calculus! Anyway, goodnight and happy snow.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Emotional Roller Coaster
Maybe its just me, maybe I over analyze things, either choice is a good probability, but its part of my charm right?!
I felt on top of the world the other day, talked to a basketball players mom, and she indroduced us to him, and he was nice. And then saw another basketball player that I am already semi-friends with, talked to him, cool. Then had a conversation with another player on facebook chat, and apparently he had noticed my presence at the game, awesome! And then I had more than a 1 word conversation with the guy that is currently the most attractive person in the world to me, AMAZING! I was on a roll, even saw a bunch of them at Gattitown, it was neat to see them outside of school. Even had an awkward dance with that one that is the prettiest person in the world, lets call him The Saint. Yup, almost literally ran into him at the soda stand at Gattitown and we had one of those awkward trying to get out of each others way dances, for which we both apoligized. And I played about 30 minutes of basketball at Gattitown, I was on top of the world, getting over some of my fears.
I had a friend tell me that he didnt like to run from his fears, instead he liked to laugh at his fears and overcome them, and I am trying to incorporate that into my life. So far, its slow going, but at least it is going right?
Anyway, on top of the world, and today was somewhat the same, a friend wanted to work out before the game and so I was just gonna read some homework while she was working out, but then there happened to be a JV game and so of course, I watched that, and players from the team that we were playing came out to watch their JV team play, and they surrounded me, so instead of being awkward I had fun conversation with them. We joked around and it was fun. And I got to see some of our players just hanging out waiting for the game and such. Then it was game time, I got my favorite seats, half court line, FRONT row! The team did not disappoint, nope they beat the 23 nationally ranked NCAA division III team, I was pumped, although I dont think they were as pumped, maybe just exhausted, it was a rough game, lots of fouls, fast paced, and the other team definitely had a size advantage. Yet The Saint had the most rebounds even though hes one of the shortest players on our team! That was fun. Sadly though he didnt get any field goals, but had 7 points, thanks to free throws. haha look at me, making my blog into something about basketball!
Anyway, I guess it was after the game that my high started wearing off. I mean Im a student, working to get things done, moving forward to the unknown, and what do I really have. I have friends- which even though I love them sometimes I get frustrated or annoyed with them, but thats just life. I have a great family, parents who love me, a grandmother who would give me the world if she could, and 2 brothers who I adore, even to this day, usually. haha.
But I read my poems and I think I overthink lots of things, what does it really matter what people think of me? I need to be myself in order to be the person that I want to be, it comes from inside.
There are things in my past that I know were hard while I was going through them but I honestly dont remember all the things that I thought I would, something are clear, but mostly things are fading, fuzzy or maybe I have just plain blocked or written over some things.
Timmy was my first childhood crush and it lasted for what seemed a lifetime, but its over now, sure I loved him and I still think about him, but I cant tell you how glad I didnt end up with him. Or any of the other guys that I have liked over the years. Sure I think its hard not knowing about things that others know about and sure I may not know lots about relationships. But I have seen lots of relationships, and being the person that I am I read into how the people carry themselves, what is good about the relationship, what is something that I want, what do I not want. And so I have expectations, and I dont necessarily hold every person that I meet to those expectations, but rather I hold myself to the expectations. I dont want to change for a person and if I feel like I am changing too much then its not good, its not the person that I should be with. And I dont really see myself dating around. So though its hard, and not necessarily fun, I am working on being me, finding myself (and I have come a long way, but circumstances are always changing so I may not know myself 100%, and thats ok.) and letting people see me. Not a shy person, but rather a talkative one, and not always a happy person, but a person that always wants to make others smile, and not always a nice person, but a person who tells others when she is mad at them, or hits them out of frustration, or maybe gives them the silent treatment. And most recently a person who has come obsessed with the game of basketball and has even made her own stats sheet to take to and fill out at games. So this is me, being myself, and hoping that others will want to find a place in my life, whether its as friends, acquaintances, or other things. But no pressure, things will happen when they are meant to, and I may not be happy with the timing but I do believe that it will happen when I am truly ready, and until then I'll be the best me that there is.
I felt on top of the world the other day, talked to a basketball players mom, and she indroduced us to him, and he was nice. And then saw another basketball player that I am already semi-friends with, talked to him, cool. Then had a conversation with another player on facebook chat, and apparently he had noticed my presence at the game, awesome! And then I had more than a 1 word conversation with the guy that is currently the most attractive person in the world to me, AMAZING! I was on a roll, even saw a bunch of them at Gattitown, it was neat to see them outside of school. Even had an awkward dance with that one that is the prettiest person in the world, lets call him The Saint. Yup, almost literally ran into him at the soda stand at Gattitown and we had one of those awkward trying to get out of each others way dances, for which we both apoligized. And I played about 30 minutes of basketball at Gattitown, I was on top of the world, getting over some of my fears.
I had a friend tell me that he didnt like to run from his fears, instead he liked to laugh at his fears and overcome them, and I am trying to incorporate that into my life. So far, its slow going, but at least it is going right?
Anyway, on top of the world, and today was somewhat the same, a friend wanted to work out before the game and so I was just gonna read some homework while she was working out, but then there happened to be a JV game and so of course, I watched that, and players from the team that we were playing came out to watch their JV team play, and they surrounded me, so instead of being awkward I had fun conversation with them. We joked around and it was fun. And I got to see some of our players just hanging out waiting for the game and such. Then it was game time, I got my favorite seats, half court line, FRONT row! The team did not disappoint, nope they beat the 23 nationally ranked NCAA division III team, I was pumped, although I dont think they were as pumped, maybe just exhausted, it was a rough game, lots of fouls, fast paced, and the other team definitely had a size advantage. Yet The Saint had the most rebounds even though hes one of the shortest players on our team! That was fun. Sadly though he didnt get any field goals, but had 7 points, thanks to free throws. haha look at me, making my blog into something about basketball!
Anyway, I guess it was after the game that my high started wearing off. I mean Im a student, working to get things done, moving forward to the unknown, and what do I really have. I have friends- which even though I love them sometimes I get frustrated or annoyed with them, but thats just life. I have a great family, parents who love me, a grandmother who would give me the world if she could, and 2 brothers who I adore, even to this day, usually. haha.
But I read my poems and I think I overthink lots of things, what does it really matter what people think of me? I need to be myself in order to be the person that I want to be, it comes from inside.
There are things in my past that I know were hard while I was going through them but I honestly dont remember all the things that I thought I would, something are clear, but mostly things are fading, fuzzy or maybe I have just plain blocked or written over some things.
Timmy was my first childhood crush and it lasted for what seemed a lifetime, but its over now, sure I loved him and I still think about him, but I cant tell you how glad I didnt end up with him. Or any of the other guys that I have liked over the years. Sure I think its hard not knowing about things that others know about and sure I may not know lots about relationships. But I have seen lots of relationships, and being the person that I am I read into how the people carry themselves, what is good about the relationship, what is something that I want, what do I not want. And so I have expectations, and I dont necessarily hold every person that I meet to those expectations, but rather I hold myself to the expectations. I dont want to change for a person and if I feel like I am changing too much then its not good, its not the person that I should be with. And I dont really see myself dating around. So though its hard, and not necessarily fun, I am working on being me, finding myself (and I have come a long way, but circumstances are always changing so I may not know myself 100%, and thats ok.) and letting people see me. Not a shy person, but rather a talkative one, and not always a happy person, but a person that always wants to make others smile, and not always a nice person, but a person who tells others when she is mad at them, or hits them out of frustration, or maybe gives them the silent treatment. And most recently a person who has come obsessed with the game of basketball and has even made her own stats sheet to take to and fill out at games. So this is me, being myself, and hoping that others will want to find a place in my life, whether its as friends, acquaintances, or other things. But no pressure, things will happen when they are meant to, and I may not be happy with the timing but I do believe that it will happen when I am truly ready, and until then I'll be the best me that there is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)