My 19th Birthday

here it is my ninteenth birthday
and i dont know whats wrong with me
i sit here at 12:07 in the morning
and i am crying
i cry myself to sleep,
because i cant think of many good things
i wake up the next morning and see all my birthday wishes
i cry again
maybe its because the things that i really want
the things i feel i need in my heart
are things that im not going to get
i wish for them every year
and only once has it come close
its a void that most people can fill
one that i have been ignoring for a while
and i cant ignore it anymore
sure, im loved
by friends who are wonderful
and a family that is always there
but i need something more
someone to really love me
someone who wants to be with me
someone who can hold me
someone to make these tears go away
but im doubtful ill find him today
so i will get up and face the day
i will wear a smile
so that i can hide all this pain
for just a little while

After Israel

So we are back, we have been for a few weeks now and the routine is the same, things are happening and life is flying by, but there are some things that I just cant stop thinking about. So first off, the people that stick with you, you know the ones that get stuck in your head for random periods of time and then they are gone, but then they show up again. I have one of those and I dont know what to do. On the one hand I would love to be in a good relationship but I have kind of high standards and I wont let myself be with someone who I dont think could be THE ONE, not that there is only one but still. For some reason I wont entertain the idea of a relationship unless I think it will be long lasting, I am just not a fling type of girl. Anyway, theres this person that is in my head for days at a time and I wonder about him, hope hes safe, and I can see having a future with him but my logical brain is telling me that it doesnt have a good chance of working out. That sucks, but hey I guess I gotta live life and see how things go. But before that I am just ready to have someone who will hold me, be there for me. I suppose I am picky about the person that I am looking for but if he is going to have my heart dang it I HAVE to be picky, I have to protect myself. I dont want to go through the ordeal and pain of a broken heart again, its just not something that I consider fun. And being pretty much an eternally nice person I cant stand to think that I might break someone else's heart, thats ALMOST as bad as having my heart broken, but I dont want to lead a person on because thats wrong, is there a way that I can nicely tell someone that I am just NOT interested in being anything more than friends. But I do want to be friends. At this point there is one person that I would want to be with, though it is incredibly hard, but I dont want to wait around for a few years for him to decide one way or another, co bottom line, im SCREWED, and have been all my life.
Thanks for reading the Rant.
Jessie