Waxing and waning

Its funny, and annoying at how fast feelings can wax and wane.
I hate it, honestly. Why? Why do they come and go like this?
Or maybe its a coping mechanism?

A month ago, ONE MONTH AGO, I was running on a high from having dinner several nights in a row with O. I was sure it was the start of something. There were declarations of feelings. Comments that feelings are deeper than they were. FINALLY, we were getting somewhere. But in true O fashion, a disappearing act followed. Lets have this discussion about feelings and disappear. I honestly don't think he knows that he does this. But I run out of energy trying to make conversations happen. I don't want to force it.
Love, I will talk to you every day. I will. But I cannot be the only one trying here.
Its exhausting trying to understand why you are holding back. I asked you outright to either give it a good try or let it go, but you have to tell me. Use your fucking words! And you didn't and you've barely talked to me since, so like, I guess you don't want to try. I don't know why? I can, of course, make up LOTS of reasons why. Reasons that are about you, reasons that are about me, but they are ME coming up with reasons and you NOT explaining reasons.

I'm sure something will happen at some point, and I'll be ready to embrace O again. I feel conflicted about it. On the one hand, the asshole, whether he knows it or not, has created this push and pull this love and hate, the wax and wane of my feelings for, geez, for 15 years. Ok, not exactly really that long, its been more like 12. But on the other hand, can you imagine the story we could tell if we ended up together?! I am a hopeless romantic at heart and I love thinking of that story. A story that started before our mothers even hit puberty!

I think my only hope now is to hope that someone else comes along and helps me move on. Someone who shows me how much they want and love me. I say I hope for someone else to come along, not because I necessarily NEED someone in my life, but because I clearly cannot be trusted to not run back to you on my own. And I won't block you or cut you out of my life because that's not me. I do care about you, you are important to me, and I will be there for you if you need me.

Oh, those summer nights...

About 7 years ago I wrote a story about a couple of kids. 

Lazy hot summer nights, a pond, fishing, fate, love. It was beautiful, really. Its not on this blog, but on a different platform. 

Its still one of my favorite things I have ever written. I reread it to send to a friend recently and I nearly teared up just reading it. 

Tonight, I found myself at that same pond, looking at the dock that was so prominent in the story. Its different than when those memories were created. There has been almost 15 years of weather - including some significant storms, growth, change and yet there is something timeless about that spot.

As I was standing there in the cool early June evening I watched the life on top of the water, below the water and I thought of the water itself. 

I felt a kinship. I am that body of water, not literally, but metaphorically. (Bear with me, here.)

That pond, as long as I have been alive, has never been dry. For me, the water in that pond is like the love that I have in me. Sometimes its ready to burst at the seams and it overflows a little. Sometimes, the level is significantly lower - but not so low that life stops. There is a "normal" level and its not too much but not too little either. Tonight, when I visited, the level is high. There's supposed to be rain this week, so maybe it'll overflow a little. 

Inside that pond, there is a lot of life. From fish (I saw mostly bluegill tonight) to snakes, frogs and probably some turtles too. There is a parallel here between souls and ponds... maybe its just my soul, but here you go: The fish are the sustenance, the constant, right? They can't go anywhere else.  The snakes are the slithery bad thoughts, the things that keep me up at night and the dark shadows that race in and out of my life: the doubt. I didn't treat this patient right, I loved too much, I am overwhelming as a person. Some doubt is a good thing, but I mean, lets hope there is not a huge infestation of snakes in this pond! (I've seen only 2 at one time and it was last week.) The frogs, the happy parts of the journey, the songs of the soul, singing their own song, there to entertain themselves and whoever might want to listen. And sure, sometimes they are eaten by the snakes, the doubts, but still, those that are left will sing and sing and sing. Especially since its early summer! The turtles, they are your friends, slowly making the rounds, coming for a visit but then leaving again. Its ok, you have all that you need within you, but those turtles, they make life more interesting. 

But the last thing that I noticed tonight at that pond was the water striders skimming along the surface, making these small ripples but not REALLY breaking the surface. Do you know what those water striders are like? They are the things that give you goosebumps, where when someone or something touches you, you feel it all the way to your soul. 

Its just a pond, right? 

Nah, its life. 

It’s been a while...

like almost 2 years?!
Wow, who woulda thought. But then again I was 16 when I started this blog and boy crazy. Or at least boy angsty...
Anyway, now I’m knocking on the door of 30.
Still single. Maybe some day that will change.
Still traveling, just recently got back from my 5th trip to the Hawaiian islands. Going back to Italy for the third time next month.
I’m a doctor.
I’m still in school... I promise, someday I’ll stop!

Last year I was making fun of my friends who were worried about turning thirty.
Jokes on me.
My life is nowhere near my mental image of thirty.
I should be married, or at least in a relationship by now. Nope. Probably because I’m too picky... but I mean, hopefully that means less heartbreak in the end, right?
Kids.. .shoulda had a houseful by now. Nope. But I have plans, luckily, as a woman, it’s easier for me to have kids, if I really want them. (And I do!)
A house, if nothing else, I should have my own place. But nope, again.
At least I have a good career and that part of my life is going well.
It’s funny, I have all these people that tell me they are proud of me when I keep coaching myself that I’m not a failure. That sounds extreme. I’m not mentally unstable, I’m not in a bad place, I just literally have failed at the social aspect of life. Meeting someone, having a relationship, those steps. People tell me it will happen, and I have to believe it, because if I don’t it does get a little depressing. I do want to love and be loved. I want a partner for this crazy life. Someone to share the ups and downs with.
Dont get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade my journey so far for where I am. So there’s the good part. I just am hopeful that someone good shows up soonish.

 Almost thirty and still got some boy angst.... haha.