Some people may think that they know me but really how can they know me when i dont even know myself. Life sucks, not always but usually and theres no getting around that. Things almost never work out the way you want them to and even if they did theres something right around the corner that will shoot good things down. I live for myself, i usually like myself, but i am so tired with putting up with everyone elses stuff. Its not my fault that you didnt make it to lunch, i dont have to call you we eat at the same time every day, or just about, sometimes people are early and sometimes they are late but EVERY day we eat at just about the same time. Oh and wanting to go somewhere with me after months of not talking to me im sorry i just dont think im ready for that. You dont have to tell anyone anything, i can make my own plans. Seriously. There are some people from home that i dont mind not seeing, there are the people from back home that were toxic to me and its one thing to talk to them but an entirely different thing to see them. I dont like to be pushed aside for other things that are kind of trivial in your life, and you know what im not going to push you away unless you are just driving me crazy and honestly I like to have time to myself. But if everytime that we make plans you just decide that it cant happen then soon enough im just going to stop making plans with you. There are other people in this world who like my company and who are nice to me. As you can see im not really in a good mood and if this seems personal its not. If i happen to be going on a trip with a guy that you may like and you found out from him im sorry, but honestly the reason i didnt tell you is because you hurt my feelings, telling me that when i wore eyeliner i looked dead, thanks thats a great feeling to have. Oh and dont forget when a comment is made about me in my sorority letters, that just plain hurt. I dont think people mean to hurt me usually but it happens, i am a very senstive person. Im not going to take of my letters just because you ask me to, i was asked by people to put those letters on and i already feel leary to be happy in the sorority, not for my sake but because of the people around me. Damn it im just not emotionally stable to handle all the bull that has been thrown my way. So if i feel distant its because im afraid that if i say something then i will be shot down, i dont need your approval to be myself but then again i dont need your help in making me feel invisible. I can fall flat on my face all by myself. And yes there are things that i am slow in getting, and i will laugh at myself for some of these things but when i say that im not in the mood, im not and i dont find it funny. So please dont laugh at it because it will just make me angry and i dont like being angry.
I am venting, dont take everything said in this post to heart but these are the things bothering me. I dont need your help to be myself but i do need you to be there for me when im lying on the ground. So thanks to those of you who have been there. And to those who are trying to help me, making plans for me, being sarcstic about things that i have done that werent the greatest decisions, thanks for being the ones who make me stronger, maybe when its all over i wont be so sensitive.
The last thing on my mind, its the leaving the country bit. I am so happy to be getting out of this country for a week, this trip cant come soon enough. Oddly enough its trips away from home, away from KY that center me. So heres to Israel, the trip that will make me feel like myself again.
