I know its been almost a week since I last wrote and the funny thing is that I was writing daily about just whatever silly things were happening, but in the last week more important things, or more influential things have happened and I havent written. That doesnt seem right so I am gonna give an overview without getting into all the gritty details, because I would just get upset all over again.
Rush- My best friend rushed and she didnt make it past the second night and it wasnt because of her GPA or because of the scores she was given that first night but rather because some girls that are high up in the sorority black listed her. Needless to say I was VERY upset all weekend, and I mostly kept it to myself because I know how anti-sorority my mom is and I didnt feel it would be beneficial to talk to her because she would just be pissed, so I did the things to support the sorority, but I didnt do it wholeheartedly, mostly I did it while crying, though not necessarily in public. I put on a brave face for the sorority, and did as little as possible to get through the weekend. I am feeling better now that I have other things to occupy my time, but my friend wants me to fight for her, so I will. And I will start that fight towards the end of this week/beginning of next week. I feel as if for once I am not going with the flow, I am not ok with where the sorority is going, so I am going to do what I can to change it.
On a happier sorority note, some of my other friends that rushed are now Phi Mu's and I am SO happy for them!
Monday my neice was admitted to the hospital because she had been vomiting and unable to hold anything down since Friday. I yearn to be in Louisville with my family, to see my family and animals. It looks as though my neice will be released from the hospital tomorrow and it was and E. Coli infection. So, I dont plan on going home this weekend as much as I yearn to. This is to test myself more than anything, I know that I am growing up and I feel that I need to overcome times where I have had a hard week and I need to just recenter myself on my own. Therefore, though I yearn to go home this weekend I am going to stay, study hard and play some and finish out my last week before fall break with a BANG! I have 2 tests next week and so I would love to go home feeling good about my grades.
Alright, so theres an update on my past week, hopefully I'll get good at posting almost daily again and I am headed to bed, goodnight!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Saturday Morning Farmer's Market
So its been a few days since I last posted, I have just been really busy, stressed over the whole Sorority recruitment. Tonight will be the longest night for me, we have our Community Involvement night and then we go through the membership selection process. Anyway, so this morning I went to the Lexington Farmer's Market with Katrina and Tara, it was awesome. So many people, so much food and DOGS!!! Its kinds funny but the highlight for me was the dogs! There were 2 shepherds and 2 Bernese Mt. Dogs and a REALLY cute Blue tick hound puppy that was about 3-4 months old and a golden and a really fat lab and some chihuahuas and DOGS! Which makes me miss Payton SOOO much, which really makes me homesick. So my solution, since I cant go home, is to buy Payton some doggy treats! And just think that I am blessed to be able to go to Transy, to be thankful for my Transy families- Ive decided that I have two, my immediate Transy family which is my group of 10 core buddies and then my Transy extended family which is all my AOII buddies. But mostly I have myself and I can count on myself more than anyone, and I just have to remember that. I really liked the farmer's market and I plan on going whenever I am here on a Sat!
The whole sorority thing, I still have mixed feelings. One of my best friends is rushing and I feel bad for not being able to talk to her, but I hope she knows that she is more of a sister than most of my AOII sisters and that for me, she comes before them. I dont know how this is going to turn out but I hope to God that she gets to be an AOII, because I know that I wouldnt be an AOII if it wasnt for her. Anyway, I dont have much else to say, so I am gonna go do some homework!
The whole sorority thing, I still have mixed feelings. One of my best friends is rushing and I feel bad for not being able to talk to her, but I hope she knows that she is more of a sister than most of my AOII sisters and that for me, she comes before them. I dont know how this is going to turn out but I hope to God that she gets to be an AOII, because I know that I wouldnt be an AOII if it wasnt for her. Anyway, I dont have much else to say, so I am gonna go do some homework!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Question of the Day
Is it all really worth it? I mean I dont plan on giving up on anything because I am a stubborn person but what are we all working towards and how much does it really matter. Who judges us in the end, I know for a lot of people they feel that God will judge them, but I am just not convinced. I am in a philosophy class and we are discussing the definition of justice, and I am stuck on a true definition. There are many just people out there that also have some unjust feelings occasionally, and I am one of them but does that make me injust or is there a balance. Can one be seen as being just or unjust when they have occasional tendencies towards the opposite side? And futhermore why are we comparing ourselves to everyone else? People grow up this day and age to do what they want be who they want to be bur really dont we inhibit ourselves by comparing ourselves to others out in the world.
Im not saying that its terrible, some people thrive on competition, but I am saying that ultimately we have to live to be the best (insert full name here) you can be. I will be the best Jessica Carnes I can be, and that is my perogative. I care deeply for my friends but I cant tell them what to do and what not to do because they have to make those decisions themselves. I hope to God that they make good decisions, that they at least consider the risks of what they do but I am not them and its not my decision. I just wonder sometimes if there is anyone that has similar feelings. Ill tell you one thing, I havent found them yet!
I will say, that college for me is worth it. I wouldnt have been able to grow to the person that I am if I hadnt gone away to college. So far its one of the hardest things that I have done but it really made me stronger and I learned how to really stick with something. I am not a quitter! And I will forge ahead into life and I will find my way, even if its hard!
IN happy news, Basketball season is getting closer and that makes me SOOOOO happy! Transy's first home game is 2 months from tomorrow. And UK's Midnight Madness is 2 weeks from Sat. SOOO exciting. Off for the day, its almost time for lunch and then I have a paper to write, its the 4th paper this week!
Im not saying that its terrible, some people thrive on competition, but I am saying that ultimately we have to live to be the best (insert full name here) you can be. I will be the best Jessica Carnes I can be, and that is my perogative. I care deeply for my friends but I cant tell them what to do and what not to do because they have to make those decisions themselves. I hope to God that they make good decisions, that they at least consider the risks of what they do but I am not them and its not my decision. I just wonder sometimes if there is anyone that has similar feelings. Ill tell you one thing, I havent found them yet!
I will say, that college for me is worth it. I wouldnt have been able to grow to the person that I am if I hadnt gone away to college. So far its one of the hardest things that I have done but it really made me stronger and I learned how to really stick with something. I am not a quitter! And I will forge ahead into life and I will find my way, even if its hard!
IN happy news, Basketball season is getting closer and that makes me SOOOOO happy! Transy's first home game is 2 months from tomorrow. And UK's Midnight Madness is 2 weeks from Sat. SOOO exciting. Off for the day, its almost time for lunch and then I have a paper to write, its the 4th paper this week!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Life Decisions
I know i dont usually write two posts in one day but this is just something that i really feel to get off my chest. I just attended something on drinking and it was a girl whose brother passed away from a drinking and drug overdose.
People kind of give me weird looks when I dont drink, and its not that its against my religion, i dont have one, but rather its a personal choice because of my family and observing things around me. That and i have no need to have my mind altered in any way.
Alcoholism runs in my family, on my dads side and my dad even was kind of a teenage drunk and he tells stories of it and they just stuck with me. My uncle almost died recently because of mixing two chemicals that became toxic, one of the chemicals being alcohol. And my brother as a teenager would party and one time he got SO drunk that he woke up to his buddy peeing on him. I NEVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME, EVER!
Anyway moral of my story, I dont do well with people who are idiots, i have no need to alter my mind and people who do just frustrate me.
So the thing that I have to say to anyone who wants to listen, is to live your life for yourself, dont worry about what others think because if they care that much they may not necessarily care for you but rather want to keep themselves from looking so bad. And always look for the good in some situation, life can and will knock you down but its up to you to pick yourself back up, its up to you to make life worth living!
People kind of give me weird looks when I dont drink, and its not that its against my religion, i dont have one, but rather its a personal choice because of my family and observing things around me. That and i have no need to have my mind altered in any way.
Alcoholism runs in my family, on my dads side and my dad even was kind of a teenage drunk and he tells stories of it and they just stuck with me. My uncle almost died recently because of mixing two chemicals that became toxic, one of the chemicals being alcohol. And my brother as a teenager would party and one time he got SO drunk that he woke up to his buddy peeing on him. I NEVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME, EVER!
Anyway moral of my story, I dont do well with people who are idiots, i have no need to alter my mind and people who do just frustrate me.
So the thing that I have to say to anyone who wants to listen, is to live your life for yourself, dont worry about what others think because if they care that much they may not necessarily care for you but rather want to keep themselves from looking so bad. And always look for the good in some situation, life can and will knock you down but its up to you to pick yourself back up, its up to you to make life worth living!
The Little things in Life
I am relearning to love those little things in life that mean so much. A really sweet email from your dad telling you that things will be ok, your mom telling you that you are an improvement over her generation, dancing for a friends photography progect at 11pm in the dark around places in school, and having a professor tell you that though you made a terrible grade on the first test they want you to stick with trying to get a bio minor because you have such a well rounded mind and not everyone can do business/accounting AND science. Those are just the things that have happened to me in the the past 24 hours, and they were the little gifts that I needed after a hard day yesterday.
Life is all about living, learning, loving, succeeding, failing and just picking yourself up. Sometimes one needs a day to get things reorganized and that was yesterday for me, I felt all these heightened emotions around me and they were just making me grumpy and I knew that if I did homework that it wouldnt be great, so I took most of the evening off, and thats just what I had to do. I have a meeting every night this week, followed by recruitment weekend for the sorority and everyone is pushing all these guidelines on me but at the same time telling me that I shouldnt worry about it, it will all just come natural, so my response? just to lay back and not worry about it, if I make a mistake I wont die and it wont be the end of the world. I have bigger, more important things to worry about.
And now for the things that I miss as I am growing up: my parents, I was home this past weekend but I worked the whole time and didnt really get to spend time with them which just plain sucked. My brothers, I havent seen Jimmy since the night before I came back to Transy and its been longer since I last saw Chris, and it just sucks because they mean so much to me, as do my neices and nephews. I miss Jimmy probably more because I feel so close to him, and because I spent more time with him between the ages of 10 and 15. I miss my Payton, having a warm body with me pretty much all the time when I am home is just so comforting and the unconditional love that a dog gives is great. But I guess these are all just things of growing up, you gotta find the things that are most important to you and be able to find a way to keep them in your life if they are so important. I think its one of the reasons going to college was so important for me in my mom's eyes and you know what? She was right!
Well I have a 4 page paper to finish so I will ramble more later!
Life is all about living, learning, loving, succeeding, failing and just picking yourself up. Sometimes one needs a day to get things reorganized and that was yesterday for me, I felt all these heightened emotions around me and they were just making me grumpy and I knew that if I did homework that it wouldnt be great, so I took most of the evening off, and thats just what I had to do. I have a meeting every night this week, followed by recruitment weekend for the sorority and everyone is pushing all these guidelines on me but at the same time telling me that I shouldnt worry about it, it will all just come natural, so my response? just to lay back and not worry about it, if I make a mistake I wont die and it wont be the end of the world. I have bigger, more important things to worry about.
And now for the things that I miss as I am growing up: my parents, I was home this past weekend but I worked the whole time and didnt really get to spend time with them which just plain sucked. My brothers, I havent seen Jimmy since the night before I came back to Transy and its been longer since I last saw Chris, and it just sucks because they mean so much to me, as do my neices and nephews. I miss Jimmy probably more because I feel so close to him, and because I spent more time with him between the ages of 10 and 15. I miss my Payton, having a warm body with me pretty much all the time when I am home is just so comforting and the unconditional love that a dog gives is great. But I guess these are all just things of growing up, you gotta find the things that are most important to you and be able to find a way to keep them in your life if they are so important. I think its one of the reasons going to college was so important for me in my mom's eyes and you know what? She was right!
Well I have a 4 page paper to finish so I will ramble more later!
Monday, September 22, 2008
ARRRRG Irritation
I dont know whats wrong, whether its just me or if I am really on to something but people seem really ARG today. I got a bad grade on my first test of the year and my response was that I didnt really want to tell my mom because she would say something along the lines of "well are you gonna go meet with Dr. P now?"- which she did, almost exactly and I didnt want to tell others because its not that I feel I am letting myself down rather that I am letting everyone else down. If it was up to me I would take it in, be upset for about an hour and then move on. BUT no, I get to explain to everyone how terrible of a student I really am. Whats wrong with me that I dont get the grades that are always expected of me, its not that I am doing things wrong but rather I am getting bored in the subjects that I am studying and I am getting tired of studying for over 4 hours a day for a class that isnt even in my major.
I feel as if I am going through the day and everyone is glaring at me. Its not fun at all. See I see myself as a pretty empathic person, meaning that I pick up on strong emotions even when people arent saying anything and my god the world is CHARGED today. Its one of those days where I want to either curl up and cry the rest of the afternoon or go kick ass. Neither of which will happen because I have a 4 page paper due on Wed. not to mention I have a meeting tomorrow morning with Dr. P, to see what happened with me and the test and I have an accounting chapter to read, some econ notes to take and homework that I literally JUST remembered that was assigned and some reading for Cell and Molec. Last week I felt balanced if even just a bit overwhelmed this week I just feel like I am drowning, I cant afford to get another C if I dont make 2-3 A's. Oh and not to mention the whole sorority thing is right there as part of life that is kicking my rear. We have 2 hour meetings three times this week, thank god rush is this weekend and then it will be over.
I was right at the beginning of the semester in thinking that Cell and Molec was going to be my toughest class, but apparently not so correct in thinking that I was gonna do well in it. See we are doing roughly 2 papers per week in that class not to mention the class time, the reading and taking notes of the chapters and the lab work as well. I feel that even though my major is no longer Bio, its still running my life.
Its just one of those days where I dont feel too optimistic. And I am tired of people taking things out on me, if there is a real reason to be angry with me then I understand that but I make an effort not to be a downer and bring my bad moods to the table and I would hope any decent person would do the same, because believe me I pick up on the SLIGHTEST mood change. ITS NO FUN. UGH Irritation
I feel as if I am going through the day and everyone is glaring at me. Its not fun at all. See I see myself as a pretty empathic person, meaning that I pick up on strong emotions even when people arent saying anything and my god the world is CHARGED today. Its one of those days where I want to either curl up and cry the rest of the afternoon or go kick ass. Neither of which will happen because I have a 4 page paper due on Wed. not to mention I have a meeting tomorrow morning with Dr. P, to see what happened with me and the test and I have an accounting chapter to read, some econ notes to take and homework that I literally JUST remembered that was assigned and some reading for Cell and Molec. Last week I felt balanced if even just a bit overwhelmed this week I just feel like I am drowning, I cant afford to get another C if I dont make 2-3 A's. Oh and not to mention the whole sorority thing is right there as part of life that is kicking my rear. We have 2 hour meetings three times this week, thank god rush is this weekend and then it will be over.
I was right at the beginning of the semester in thinking that Cell and Molec was going to be my toughest class, but apparently not so correct in thinking that I was gonna do well in it. See we are doing roughly 2 papers per week in that class not to mention the class time, the reading and taking notes of the chapters and the lab work as well. I feel that even though my major is no longer Bio, its still running my life.
Its just one of those days where I dont feel too optimistic. And I am tired of people taking things out on me, if there is a real reason to be angry with me then I understand that but I make an effort not to be a downer and bring my bad moods to the table and I would hope any decent person would do the same, because believe me I pick up on the SLIGHTEST mood change. ITS NO FUN. UGH Irritation
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Innocence
I just got back to my second home- yes I am finally ready to call Lexington/Transy my second home- from a long weekend of working. I worked events for the Ryder Cup through Hyatt working at the Muhammed Ali center- yes its that complicated! But anyway, so Friday was a BIG event- about 1100 people, mostly from Ireland, Britain, and Scotland- what beautiful accents. Working this I realized that I almost slip into a different personality, its the personality that I am gonna call my "gracious stranger meeting, hotel customer service" personality. I smile openly at everyone, talk to them when they talk (basking in their accents) and I even occasionally get a chance to get to know my fellow co-workers. Friday night I was a floater, meaning that I roamed the WHOLE outdoor pavillion, upstairs and down and I cleaned and answered questions and mostly I was just making sure that things flowed smoothly. Anyway so towards the end of the event I got to go talk to Chris, who is a C.S. worker at the Hyatt. C.S. just means that he gets to do all the heavy lifting of the tables and such! I believe our conversation started on how he wasnt happy that they werent really tipping (he was a bartender that night) to which I replied that $3 was better than nothing, and explained to him that I was always optimistic. Somehow from there he got the story of the many deaths that I have experienced this year and he said that it was good for me to always look for the good in the situation. From there we got to talking about birth order, and he said that I wasnt as selfish as many only children or the babies of a family were. He told me that I was beautiful and that it was great for me to help out if I could. Its funny I dont usually take compliments that well but this one really stuck with me, I guess its because he didnt just say that I was beautiful but he backed it up with an example- because I wasnt selfish, and that as he was watching me interact with other people I was gracious and always trying to help out. So the compliment just really made me feel good and it stuck with me. I dont always understand how people see me and think that Im smart and that I can do anything but they believe in me and I get the energy from that and I want to make them happy so I want to succeed in the ways that they think I can.
Saturday I got spend time with my favorite co-workers, Krystal, Kristen and Roger. Those people help keep me sane while at work. Kristen is just random and has the occasional mood swing but is goofy and fun. Krystal is my buddy and we work REALLY well as a team. Roger is always looking out for me, if I look lost he says "Follow me" and he gives me jobs that I can handle without overwhelming me. Roger I guess just really understands the way that I need to work! Anyway Saturday night was a reception followed by a dinner for 100 people, a big fancy thing for rich people! SO I start the night by butler passing hor d'oeuvres. And there were some really drunk guys that were more or less hitting on me and being playful but it was just funny and I went along with it. I kind of shocked myself, those types of things usually make me feel uncomfortable, I dont know if its that Im just becoming more comfortable over all or if I was in my hotel personality but it was just fun. That and someone tried what I was passing because I was "selling it so well with [my] smile". Anyway that night was fun, flirty and ended with a discussion of my innocence. Kristen loves me because of my innocence, because I dont have the need to drink or do drugs or have sex, she just thinks its too cute, which makes me laugh.
So here is to the innocence that I have and that I plan on keeping for a while!
In other news I am slowly coming to terms that the neighbor that has been in my life, for my whole life will probably not live very much longer. I will miss George, mostly because he was probably the closest thing that I had to a real grandfather, I mean I know that Stan was technically my step-grandfather but George was always looking out for me and teaching me some valuable life lessons! So I plan on writing about some of my memories of George and the stories that I have heard but am too young to really remember as time goes by.
Saturday I got spend time with my favorite co-workers, Krystal, Kristen and Roger. Those people help keep me sane while at work. Kristen is just random and has the occasional mood swing but is goofy and fun. Krystal is my buddy and we work REALLY well as a team. Roger is always looking out for me, if I look lost he says "Follow me" and he gives me jobs that I can handle without overwhelming me. Roger I guess just really understands the way that I need to work! Anyway Saturday night was a reception followed by a dinner for 100 people, a big fancy thing for rich people! SO I start the night by butler passing hor d'oeuvres. And there were some really drunk guys that were more or less hitting on me and being playful but it was just funny and I went along with it. I kind of shocked myself, those types of things usually make me feel uncomfortable, I dont know if its that Im just becoming more comfortable over all or if I was in my hotel personality but it was just fun. That and someone tried what I was passing because I was "selling it so well with [my] smile". Anyway that night was fun, flirty and ended with a discussion of my innocence. Kristen loves me because of my innocence, because I dont have the need to drink or do drugs or have sex, she just thinks its too cute, which makes me laugh.
So here is to the innocence that I have and that I plan on keeping for a while!
In other news I am slowly coming to terms that the neighbor that has been in my life, for my whole life will probably not live very much longer. I will miss George, mostly because he was probably the closest thing that I had to a real grandfather, I mean I know that Stan was technically my step-grandfather but George was always looking out for me and teaching me some valuable life lessons! So I plan on writing about some of my memories of George and the stories that I have heard but am too young to really remember as time goes by.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Dreaming of a walk
Why is it that when I finally dream of you I still dont get to talk to you very much. I did talk some but you just kind of gave me a one word answer and took your car and drove away. We were at my house, or around it and you were with your mom. Funny thing, like in real life I made friends with the parent rather than the boy, I mean its good to be on good terms with the parent but its better to be on good terms with the boy if you are gonna date them, know what I mean? And maybe not even date them in person but rather in my dreams.
I am pretty sure that God is having a good time looking at my life and the people surrounding me, I love my friends very much but we all have baggage right? Different baggage and I usually feel silly wanting to talk about boys and such but its just kind of my release, I dont want to grow up yet, so I am gonna stick in the middle for as long as possible. SO for that I may be laughed at and I will also laugh at myself, have no doubt.
So, why am I not the open outgoing person that I wish to be, why do I hold myself back? I think that it has a lot to do with being turned down, getting hurt and having to deal with being just the friend. But thats the best way to start right? being just friends? So why can't I introduce myself to this person that I desperately want to be friends with, its not like he is a god and I will be shunned for talking to him, laughed at maybe but I get laughed at a lot. And how do I do it in a non-creepy way, I am afraid that if I do go up to him all the creepy things that are just rattling around in my head will come out and then I will really be laughed at. So I do what I can, I become friends with your friends, I make myself seen at the games and I just bide my time, maybe, hopefully something will click. And if not, I can always hire you as my financial advisor!
I am not a "bad" girl, I never had reason to drink, do drugs, smoke or have sex, but I do yearn to be noticed, to see your smile and to be a part of your world. That makes me sound kind of whiney and really girly but I dont mean it like that, not really.
So how bout I stop here before I dig myself a HUGE hole!
I am pretty sure that God is having a good time looking at my life and the people surrounding me, I love my friends very much but we all have baggage right? Different baggage and I usually feel silly wanting to talk about boys and such but its just kind of my release, I dont want to grow up yet, so I am gonna stick in the middle for as long as possible. SO for that I may be laughed at and I will also laugh at myself, have no doubt.
So, why am I not the open outgoing person that I wish to be, why do I hold myself back? I think that it has a lot to do with being turned down, getting hurt and having to deal with being just the friend. But thats the best way to start right? being just friends? So why can't I introduce myself to this person that I desperately want to be friends with, its not like he is a god and I will be shunned for talking to him, laughed at maybe but I get laughed at a lot. And how do I do it in a non-creepy way, I am afraid that if I do go up to him all the creepy things that are just rattling around in my head will come out and then I will really be laughed at. So I do what I can, I become friends with your friends, I make myself seen at the games and I just bide my time, maybe, hopefully something will click. And if not, I can always hire you as my financial advisor!
I am not a "bad" girl, I never had reason to drink, do drugs, smoke or have sex, but I do yearn to be noticed, to see your smile and to be a part of your world. That makes me sound kind of whiney and really girly but I dont mean it like that, not really.
So how bout I stop here before I dig myself a HUGE hole!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Music that Centers me
Heres a poem,
Music that Centers Me
When the words really speak to me
I feel as if theres nothing else in the world
Sometimes its something that only I can see
Seeing, notes that are swirled
Words that are free
nothing holding my heart back
keeps me from making a plea
but allows me to wave like a flag
it brings me a sense of flying
its a place where I can get lost
where I dont think about dying
where I can forget about the cost
and just live in the moment
let the melody flow
I can think about all the things that I covet
and not worry about the things that I blow
I just let the music center me
get to know a new world of opportunities
I hope everyone gets to see
that music brings forth endless possibilities
This is one of my "new" poems. I mean new in the way that I am challenging myself to write not necessarily about people who have really made a mark on me at a given time but rather the other things in life that move me. This poemt came really from 3 statements that I made to a friend last night, they were:
i like listening to music and letting it center me
letting it speak to me in a way that only music can
letting me get lost in the world of music and the possibilities that the melody brings to me.
Hope you enjoyed it!
Music that Centers Me
When the words really speak to me
I feel as if theres nothing else in the world
Sometimes its something that only I can see
Seeing, notes that are swirled
Words that are free
nothing holding my heart back
keeps me from making a plea
but allows me to wave like a flag
it brings me a sense of flying
its a place where I can get lost
where I dont think about dying
where I can forget about the cost
and just live in the moment
let the melody flow
I can think about all the things that I covet
and not worry about the things that I blow
I just let the music center me
get to know a new world of opportunities
I hope everyone gets to see
that music brings forth endless possibilities
This is one of my "new" poems. I mean new in the way that I am challenging myself to write not necessarily about people who have really made a mark on me at a given time but rather the other things in life that move me. This poemt came really from 3 statements that I made to a friend last night, they were:
i like listening to music and letting it center me
letting it speak to me in a way that only music can
letting me get lost in the world of music and the possibilities that the melody brings to me.
Hope you enjoyed it!
Inspiration
It seems that last night I was destined to be thinking about poetry, now I havent come up with the perfect poem yet but its a happening. I havent gotten to write for myself in a while and so that is my new focus. I tend to write about and for the people that have this major part in my life, and that works but between major people I am left with no material. THerefore I must think of how to overcome this. My solution is to dig deep, find that raw emotion within myself and then convey it to anyone who wants to read. I need to find things in life that inspire me, and not depend on humans! I need to look at things like music and the small joys in life, and maybe just maybe then I will find something to work with. Anyway, I am gonna keep this short and sweet, gotta run to class!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Talking through our Blogs
Its funny that we are talking through our blogs, in a way it makes me want to smile, partially for the ones who don't know that this is how we sometimes talk, can you imagine their faces?!
So for the "this means i cant sleep tonight"
Boys will be boys, they will do the things that we dont like or that make us like them all the more but really, is it about waiting for us to break or is it that there are so many road blocks in the way that we become stronger. With each heartbreak and each sad song that we listen to, each boy that we like and each one that likes someone else, its a game right? The game of life. And I for one am not gonna let it break me, it can through road blocks in my life, of death, confused friends, bad illnesses, a plane delay, a basketball in my hands or a basketball player that I ignore because ive caught the basketball, and it only makes me stronger. This experience is a learning curve, YOU TOO are getting stronger but damnit it doesnt feel like it, i know. I know it sounds like a cliche, and it doesnt sound like it will really work but things do get better. It may not be today, or tomorrow, next week or next month or even next year but we are only starting our lives, and we have 60ish more years to be happier. And it may not be a man, or a woman that makes you happier but yourself. The one person that you can ALWAYS depend on no matter what. Oh, and a nice warm body of a dog will always help too!
as for the "plot lines can only get you so far"
its amazing and i love it and it makes me want to cry!
gotta love life and the irony that goes with it.
So, thats my rant before class today, stick around, there might just be some more!
So for the "this means i cant sleep tonight"
Boys will be boys, they will do the things that we dont like or that make us like them all the more but really, is it about waiting for us to break or is it that there are so many road blocks in the way that we become stronger. With each heartbreak and each sad song that we listen to, each boy that we like and each one that likes someone else, its a game right? The game of life. And I for one am not gonna let it break me, it can through road blocks in my life, of death, confused friends, bad illnesses, a plane delay, a basketball in my hands or a basketball player that I ignore because ive caught the basketball, and it only makes me stronger. This experience is a learning curve, YOU TOO are getting stronger but damnit it doesnt feel like it, i know. I know it sounds like a cliche, and it doesnt sound like it will really work but things do get better. It may not be today, or tomorrow, next week or next month or even next year but we are only starting our lives, and we have 60ish more years to be happier. And it may not be a man, or a woman that makes you happier but yourself. The one person that you can ALWAYS depend on no matter what. Oh, and a nice warm body of a dog will always help too!
as for the "plot lines can only get you so far"
its amazing and i love it and it makes me want to cry!
gotta love life and the irony that goes with it.
So, thats my rant before class today, stick around, there might just be some more!
Monday, September 15, 2008
How did this happen?
How did I get in the middle of the drama? And why didnt I see it before. Ive been there, the person that is just the best friend when two of her friends are flirting and getting to know one another, it sucks and I never would wish that on my worst enemy, yet it seems that I am doing almost the same thing to one of my friends. The flirting, though is just one way, and it directed at me which is almost worse.
I am sorry that this is happening, you know, its not what I wanted to happen, and the hardest thing for me is to talk to him face to face about this. It is so hard because of my past, but I have to get over that and soon, not because I need myself to do this but because I cant lose the friends that have helped me through. I would do anything for them, even the thing that for me at this moment is the hardest thing in the world.
I have tried to tell him over and over that he isnt for me, others have tried too, and I hoped that it would work that way. It seems though that this boy is much more hardheaded and either doesnt hear us or wont admit it.
I never thought I would be this person, just because I was on the receiving end for so long. I never imagined that I would turn someone down for all the reasons that I was turned down. And its even harder for my mind to wrap around it because I have felt both hurts before. I know how it sucks to be turned down, being told that you are just a friend. But I also know that I have to do this, I cant drag it on, because that will just make it worse in the end.
And I know how it sucks to be the best friend of both and see this happen, although for me the interest was both ways. For me the scarring moment was at my birthday party, and people were playing hide and seek, Katie and Tim couldnt be found and then his brother and my best friend Matt went to look in the barn. When they got to the barn Tim was apparently pulling up his pants. I would never betray anyone like that, because I know the pain.
So if you are reading, my promise is this, I am going to do the best I can at reinforcing the friendships that I have and making clear that I dont want anything more. I plan to do this by sitting him down and crying it out if I need to. And I am only crying because I feel the pain that he is going through, but you will be there to comfort him and we will all get past this. We will kick the elephant out of the room! I love you dearly and I would do anything for you.
I am sorry that this is happening, you know, its not what I wanted to happen, and the hardest thing for me is to talk to him face to face about this. It is so hard because of my past, but I have to get over that and soon, not because I need myself to do this but because I cant lose the friends that have helped me through. I would do anything for them, even the thing that for me at this moment is the hardest thing in the world.
I have tried to tell him over and over that he isnt for me, others have tried too, and I hoped that it would work that way. It seems though that this boy is much more hardheaded and either doesnt hear us or wont admit it.
I never thought I would be this person, just because I was on the receiving end for so long. I never imagined that I would turn someone down for all the reasons that I was turned down. And its even harder for my mind to wrap around it because I have felt both hurts before. I know how it sucks to be turned down, being told that you are just a friend. But I also know that I have to do this, I cant drag it on, because that will just make it worse in the end.
And I know how it sucks to be the best friend of both and see this happen, although for me the interest was both ways. For me the scarring moment was at my birthday party, and people were playing hide and seek, Katie and Tim couldnt be found and then his brother and my best friend Matt went to look in the barn. When they got to the barn Tim was apparently pulling up his pants. I would never betray anyone like that, because I know the pain.
So if you are reading, my promise is this, I am going to do the best I can at reinforcing the friendships that I have and making clear that I dont want anything more. I plan to do this by sitting him down and crying it out if I need to. And I am only crying because I feel the pain that he is going through, but you will be there to comfort him and we will all get past this. We will kick the elephant out of the room! I love you dearly and I would do anything for you.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Unwritten
My future is still unwritten, yes I am listening to Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield, but still it applies! I woke up this morning singing Pocahontas' Just Around the River Bend and I thought to myself that I had found myself. I may not know what I am gonna do with my life, and I may not have my major nailed down, but at this moment in time thats not what matters. What matters is who I am now and what I do now. I have a wonderful group of friends that will back me up if needed and I have a strength I never really had before, and most of all I believe in myself. I know that I wont settle for anything less than what I want, that I may not be very forward and outgoing but I can take baby steps and then I might just become more outgoing, its already working.
So, to roughly define myself:
I am sometimes naive
I am a good kid- I just dont have the need to drink or smoke or have sex
I love basketball, and am VERY eager for basketball season to start- just a couple more months!
I will more than likely go in the business field somewhere, accounting or in a hotel maybe.
Though its only two weeks into classes, I have found a passion- Accounting, we will see how it lasts.
I am in a sorority, but I dont let that define me, I want people to know me for other reasons, and I like being in a sorority because I dont necessarily fit the bill.
I like to walk but I dont get to enough.
I love my animals and my family but I am learning how to survive with out them, I may not always have my loved ones around, and college is the perfect practice.
I dont have a boyfriend, and I like being single, but I hope to find the wonderful world of couplehood. I think that I am now ready for a guy in my life, as long as he meets a few requirements! And this is coming after a year of growth.
Lastly, I am ready to face whatever heads my way, yes I am scared shitless but I have friends and family and animals and I can and will get through any hard times.
So, to roughly define myself:
I am sometimes naive
I am a good kid- I just dont have the need to drink or smoke or have sex
I love basketball, and am VERY eager for basketball season to start- just a couple more months!
I will more than likely go in the business field somewhere, accounting or in a hotel maybe.
Though its only two weeks into classes, I have found a passion- Accounting, we will see how it lasts.
I am in a sorority, but I dont let that define me, I want people to know me for other reasons, and I like being in a sorority because I dont necessarily fit the bill.
I like to walk but I dont get to enough.
I love my animals and my family but I am learning how to survive with out them, I may not always have my loved ones around, and college is the perfect practice.
I dont have a boyfriend, and I like being single, but I hope to find the wonderful world of couplehood. I think that I am now ready for a guy in my life, as long as he meets a few requirements! And this is coming after a year of growth.
Lastly, I am ready to face whatever heads my way, yes I am scared shitless but I have friends and family and animals and I can and will get through any hard times.
Friday, September 12, 2008
One Year Later
Today is another anniversary that is noteable. It is the one year anniversary of the death of my grandma. I miss her but more than that I am striving to live a life that would make her proud. She told me several times as I was growing up that she was so proud of me and I want to always have that image. I am not saying that I wont make mistakes, that I wont do bad things but I want to always be able to say that she would have been proud of me. Not only have I been living her legacy but I have grown so much this past year and I refuse to say that none of it has to do with her, there is something there. I feel that her presence is around and in me and that I have grown into a stronger woman because of her and subsequently her death.
So today is not a sad day where I am stuck in my room crying because I am having such a hard time letting my grandma go, but rather a day of celebration. I am looking back on all the things that I have done this past year and all the ways that I have grown, I have worked to conquer some of my silly fears, I have gotten my first real job and I am striving to accomplish good things in school, and I feel that at least part of it is a dedication to my grandma.
I think that if there is a way for people to look over their loved ones after they have passed away, my grandma is definately looking over me today, and I am having a great day in her memory.
I miss you grandma, and I love you!
So today is not a sad day where I am stuck in my room crying because I am having such a hard time letting my grandma go, but rather a day of celebration. I am looking back on all the things that I have done this past year and all the ways that I have grown, I have worked to conquer some of my silly fears, I have gotten my first real job and I am striving to accomplish good things in school, and I feel that at least part of it is a dedication to my grandma.
I think that if there is a way for people to look over their loved ones after they have passed away, my grandma is definately looking over me today, and I am having a great day in her memory.
I miss you grandma, and I love you!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Rainy Day
What is it about the timing of some rainy days that just makes me happy? My week has been sucky and its not that the rain today was just another bad thing but rather something to wash the bad week away. It makes me happy, excited and refreshed. Yesterday, while looking at my schedule for the day I was worried about not getting everything done, so I did all my homework last night. Then today I got out of lab an hour early, and I walked through the rain and I was energized.
My uncle is still alive and even improving, they took him off of the respirator today and he was awake and talking and when asked if he could see he responded with a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning sad and irritated, I was worried about my schedule for the day and I am still just emotionally exhaused from this emotion filled week. I was even sick to my stomach this morning, and I had a headache. But things have run smoothly and I have calmed down.
I am blessed that my uncle is alive, that I have been able to see my family- some of which I havent seen since my grandmas funeral, my immediate family is fine, and most of all I am fine and healthy and alive.
I think I have finally learned the lesson of balance, at least in my current state of living, I do my homework on time, and I am hanging out with my friends, maybe not as much as they want me to but hey I do spend time with them. And most of all I am really making myself a home here in Lexington. I know my mom thinks that I dont call enough and I am sorry for that because I do love her its just that I dont think about it as much, I am growing up. I love my mom, and my dad and I think that they are going through the empty nest syndrome now, where as I was so homesick last year that they didnt have a chance to really miss me. My dad even told me that he was holding Payton hostage at the house so that if I wanted to visit her I would have to go home!
Anyway, I am loving the cleansing rain and I hope you are as well. Life has its hard times but things can always get better and even if they dont, its just another lesson! (What can I say I am an eternal optimist!)
Love you all! :)
My uncle is still alive and even improving, they took him off of the respirator today and he was awake and talking and when asked if he could see he responded with a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning sad and irritated, I was worried about my schedule for the day and I am still just emotionally exhaused from this emotion filled week. I was even sick to my stomach this morning, and I had a headache. But things have run smoothly and I have calmed down.
I am blessed that my uncle is alive, that I have been able to see my family- some of which I havent seen since my grandmas funeral, my immediate family is fine, and most of all I am fine and healthy and alive.
I think I have finally learned the lesson of balance, at least in my current state of living, I do my homework on time, and I am hanging out with my friends, maybe not as much as they want me to but hey I do spend time with them. And most of all I am really making myself a home here in Lexington. I know my mom thinks that I dont call enough and I am sorry for that because I do love her its just that I dont think about it as much, I am growing up. I love my mom, and my dad and I think that they are going through the empty nest syndrome now, where as I was so homesick last year that they didnt have a chance to really miss me. My dad even told me that he was holding Payton hostage at the house so that if I wanted to visit her I would have to go home!
Anyway, I am loving the cleansing rain and I hope you are as well. Life has its hard times but things can always get better and even if they dont, its just another lesson! (What can I say I am an eternal optimist!)
Love you all! :)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The need to cry
Funny how things work out. This time last year my granmda was dying, yet I didnt cry for that death, was it because I was aware that it was happening or was it that I just didnt feel that I had the time to mourn her. After all, I had just moved away from home for the first time and I was incredibly homesick. But I think now, a year later I am mourning her. This comes also at the time that my Uncle is hospitalized in critical condition from what we think is methanol poisoning. Still, remembering grandmas death, having to go through this thing with my uncle and then realizing just how incredibly sweet my family is, not just my immediate family but my extended family. I find it soothing in a way that the family comes together in a time of need. I have a total of 4 first cousins and they are all 30 or older so I didnt really get to know them growing up, I mean I knew of them and they were family so I saw them at holidays but I never really got to know them personally. And I guess its part of growing up, or part of this Carnes family coming together when its needed but I had a great conversation with my cousin Bobby. I even got to talk a little to Mickey too. I picked Bobby up from the hospital and lent him my car so that he could get around Lexington- afterall I have classes to go to and if I desperately needed to get somewhere I have friends that would take me, and after he returned it I realized that he had given me money to pay for parking and he had filled up my tank with gas, it was such an unexpected surprise but it made me realize that the Carnes family not only comes together but we really care about one another, looking at what he did I am positive I would have done the same thing.
This post really started out as more of a reflexive note and a way to get my tears out in kind of a final way. When my mom called Monday morning at 6 am to tell me what was going on I almost dropped the phone, I was in shock and after talking to her I cried for 30-45 minutes. In a way I guess things just kind of stopped for me, it wasnt an expected illness, but it was sudden and something that took me of guard. I have dealt with multiple human and animal deaths in the past year and I guess it all just kind of hit me at once. Now, my uncle is NOT dead, so thank god for small favors. But he still isnt out of the woods yet. Still, even 3 days later when I am left alone to my own devices I still cry, I still get overwhelmed. A part of me wants to shut down and break down but then again I want to rise above it, I want to live, I want to carry my grandmas legacy, I want to be something more.
And then theres the other part of the reaction I had. I was in bed when I got the call and more than anything I wished at that moment that I had a boyfriend who would just hold me and tell me that he was there for me. I mean I have wonderful friends that are doing their best to hold me together, the friends who hug me because I am sad, because they know this year has been really hard. But I still dont have the person in my life that is there unconditionally. I am not saying that I will find that one person that I will be with until I die, but at somepoint I hope to find the person that I feel that will happen with, in other words I know the world isnt perfect and people change and things happen but I hope to find a guy who at least for several years we have a happy healthy life together. But the moment of getting the phone call, I just wanted someone to hold me, to keep me together. It didnt happen and I am strong enough to support myself, to hold myself together but sometimes I wish to just share the burden.
Thats where my head is today.
This post really started out as more of a reflexive note and a way to get my tears out in kind of a final way. When my mom called Monday morning at 6 am to tell me what was going on I almost dropped the phone, I was in shock and after talking to her I cried for 30-45 minutes. In a way I guess things just kind of stopped for me, it wasnt an expected illness, but it was sudden and something that took me of guard. I have dealt with multiple human and animal deaths in the past year and I guess it all just kind of hit me at once. Now, my uncle is NOT dead, so thank god for small favors. But he still isnt out of the woods yet. Still, even 3 days later when I am left alone to my own devices I still cry, I still get overwhelmed. A part of me wants to shut down and break down but then again I want to rise above it, I want to live, I want to carry my grandmas legacy, I want to be something more.
And then theres the other part of the reaction I had. I was in bed when I got the call and more than anything I wished at that moment that I had a boyfriend who would just hold me and tell me that he was there for me. I mean I have wonderful friends that are doing their best to hold me together, the friends who hug me because I am sad, because they know this year has been really hard. But I still dont have the person in my life that is there unconditionally. I am not saying that I will find that one person that I will be with until I die, but at somepoint I hope to find the person that I feel that will happen with, in other words I know the world isnt perfect and people change and things happen but I hope to find a guy who at least for several years we have a happy healthy life together. But the moment of getting the phone call, I just wanted someone to hold me, to keep me together. It didnt happen and I am strong enough to support myself, to hold myself together but sometimes I wish to just share the burden.
Thats where my head is today.
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