A song by Martina McBride
I may not always express my gratitude for having the life that I have, and as Addison Montgomery from Private Practice said "I dont have a visible wound, but I am still broken" I feel that mentally I am sometimes broken. BUT I am grateful. I love my family.
And today especially.
Today my dad turned 53. He had a heart attack 9 years and 5 months ago. His right coronary artery was 99% blocked, but angioplasty fixed it. My dad has had various other health issues in the last 9 years, BUT he is still alive, and he is still mobile. And for that I am grateful. I feel blessed.
I only hope that he will live to walk me down the aisle, that he will get to see MY kids grow up- not just my brothers.
And then there is my grandma- my moms mom. That woman, WHOA, she impresses me. Today mom and I were signed up for a 5K run/walk. But mom is sick, so grandma went in her place. And this 81 year old woman not only kept pace with me but pushed me to my limit. She is the BEST run/walk partner ever. And now we are BOTH exhausted! I am just plain amazed and awed.
I love my family. I worry that the glue is getting either too hot and melting or too cold and becoming brittle, but I hope we can keep it somewhat together. I mean it makes sense that the relationships change- even familial relationships change. But it is hard. And I dont necessarily like it.
So heres to family, and being healthy and happy, and blessed!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Mylifeisg
Today was my half birthday. I am 20 and 1/2. I think people should celebrate half birthdays more often, no I didnt celebrate today, but I have celebrated my half birthday before.
I am in a happy place right now. I dont know how long it will last, but I am going to soak it up as long as I can. I have been reading the websites my life is average and my life is g. And my reaction is that MY life is good. I mean things arent perfect. But that is ok. I have a family that loves me (mostly- I think!). I have always had encouragement from the people around me, no matter what I have decided to pursue. AND...Basketball season is here!
But oddly enough, you know what I am MOST grateful for? I am not pregnant nor do I have any kids. I mean sure I WANT kids, definitely, I want to adopt even. But right now, I am 20, finding myself, and being selfish about that is GREAT! I am respectful to just about anyone around me but I dont HAVE to answer to anyone, not really. And I see people my age and younger, and sometimes even people who are older, and its like they never got to live out the selfish phase of life, and they try to live it as they are raising kids, and it just doesnt work.
I havent seen the Saint in a week, at least. Its easy not to care when I dont see him, but I am sure once I lay eyes on him again my silly heart will either race or beat right out of my chest. All I can do is breathe and know that there will be an end to this- eventually.
I havent talked to James since his birthday. And it feels good, believe it or not.
I may be slow at deciding to move on, but once I do, I move on really well. Being busy helps. And then there's Matt, my current rock. I dont know that he has changed my life, but rather he has simply been there for me, and that is nice. There isnt anything there, we've already been down that road. But its nice to have a good guy friend who isnt gay, not that I dont love my gay friends, but having a straight, good guy friend is wonderful.
So heres to being happy, and actually believing (for once) that I dont need a guy to be happier. I am in control of my life, and I can make things happen! Damn it feels GOOD! :)
I am in a happy place right now. I dont know how long it will last, but I am going to soak it up as long as I can. I have been reading the websites my life is average and my life is g. And my reaction is that MY life is good. I mean things arent perfect. But that is ok. I have a family that loves me (mostly- I think!). I have always had encouragement from the people around me, no matter what I have decided to pursue. AND...Basketball season is here!
But oddly enough, you know what I am MOST grateful for? I am not pregnant nor do I have any kids. I mean sure I WANT kids, definitely, I want to adopt even. But right now, I am 20, finding myself, and being selfish about that is GREAT! I am respectful to just about anyone around me but I dont HAVE to answer to anyone, not really. And I see people my age and younger, and sometimes even people who are older, and its like they never got to live out the selfish phase of life, and they try to live it as they are raising kids, and it just doesnt work.
I havent seen the Saint in a week, at least. Its easy not to care when I dont see him, but I am sure once I lay eyes on him again my silly heart will either race or beat right out of my chest. All I can do is breathe and know that there will be an end to this- eventually.
I havent talked to James since his birthday. And it feels good, believe it or not.
I may be slow at deciding to move on, but once I do, I move on really well. Being busy helps. And then there's Matt, my current rock. I dont know that he has changed my life, but rather he has simply been there for me, and that is nice. There isnt anything there, we've already been down that road. But its nice to have a good guy friend who isnt gay, not that I dont love my gay friends, but having a straight, good guy friend is wonderful.
So heres to being happy, and actually believing (for once) that I dont need a guy to be happier. I am in control of my life, and I can make things happen! Damn it feels GOOD! :)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Transparent
I feel transparent, like everyone sees through me, sees that I have a crush on him. Its tough, I dont WANT to be transparent. I already have enough insecurities.
I dont want to be the butt of jokes. I dont want to be the gossip. I really hope people dont think that I am that pitiful.
I dont want to be the butt of jokes. I dont want to be the gossip. I really hope people dont think that I am that pitiful.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Tail lights
Yes, I'm avoiding my homework/studying. I can only read one chapter at a time. And I need to retain the information because I have a test tomorrow.
Anyway, I look out of the study lounge and I see a dark blue Ford Truck, and the tail lights are on, and they have been on for at least an hour. I seriously hope that the owner doesnt get a dead battery but at the same time I think that I would laugh if they did. Does that make me a terrible person?
I dont really have much to report today. Although the Saint walked into the caf tonight and he took me by surprise, I literally was *this* close to jumping when I saw him. Knee-jerk reaction, that I wish didnt happen. I wish that my knee-jerk reaction was smile and say hey. Although I think I would pay big bucks to see my facial expressions when I see him. Haha. Regardless, this came after having a dream about him last night- he needed a picture to do a project with, and I happened to have the picture that he needed. This, coming after a dream where I survived a terrorist attack, which strikes me as funny, and honestly, the terrorist attack dream, though I was taken hostage was not all that scary. Maybe if I am involved in a terrorist attack I might survive? Lets hope I dont get the first hand chance to find that out! :)
OH and dont you just LOVE people who get really angry when you interrupt their stories yet interrupt yours at the drop of a hat? Sooner or later I'm gonna blow up at them when they interrupt me. But NO god forbid I ever interrupt them. UGH. I definitely cannot WAIT for fall break. And then hopefully AFTER fall break I will be busy with stats, either volleyball, basketball, or whatnot.
I'm not saying that I totally hate my roommate, because I dont, and we get along- most of the time, but our differences are bigger than differences that I have had with previous roommates. And I find myself spending less and less time in my room. Sooner or later the only time I'm gonna be in my room will be the time that I am sleeping.
Anyway, heres to my big test week, and hoping that all my tests turn out ok. :)
Anyway, I look out of the study lounge and I see a dark blue Ford Truck, and the tail lights are on, and they have been on for at least an hour. I seriously hope that the owner doesnt get a dead battery but at the same time I think that I would laugh if they did. Does that make me a terrible person?
I dont really have much to report today. Although the Saint walked into the caf tonight and he took me by surprise, I literally was *this* close to jumping when I saw him. Knee-jerk reaction, that I wish didnt happen. I wish that my knee-jerk reaction was smile and say hey. Although I think I would pay big bucks to see my facial expressions when I see him. Haha. Regardless, this came after having a dream about him last night- he needed a picture to do a project with, and I happened to have the picture that he needed. This, coming after a dream where I survived a terrorist attack, which strikes me as funny, and honestly, the terrorist attack dream, though I was taken hostage was not all that scary. Maybe if I am involved in a terrorist attack I might survive? Lets hope I dont get the first hand chance to find that out! :)
OH and dont you just LOVE people who get really angry when you interrupt their stories yet interrupt yours at the drop of a hat? Sooner or later I'm gonna blow up at them when they interrupt me. But NO god forbid I ever interrupt them. UGH. I definitely cannot WAIT for fall break. And then hopefully AFTER fall break I will be busy with stats, either volleyball, basketball, or whatnot.
I'm not saying that I totally hate my roommate, because I dont, and we get along- most of the time, but our differences are bigger than differences that I have had with previous roommates. And I find myself spending less and less time in my room. Sooner or later the only time I'm gonna be in my room will be the time that I am sleeping.
Anyway, heres to my big test week, and hoping that all my tests turn out ok. :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
What I want most
Yes, two postings in one day.
I sit here, and I feel blessed to have the life that I have. I know that I am better off than most people in the world- yes the world, but at the same time I do not actually have infinite resources. However, I get to go to college, I get to follow my dreams, even if they seem silly, no one has ever told me that I won't go far.
Think of the people who dont get to follow their dreams. I am talking not only about the children who arent wanted or the kids who are abused, but adults to- they have dreams too. I am talking not only about our neighbors in the poor parts of America, but the world. How often are we told of statistics from countries around the world where people arent educated, where they have to walk for miles a day just for water or where they cannot get any medical treatment.
Now, I am not a doctor, I dont ever want to be a doctor, but I am sure that somewhere in Africa there are children who want to be doctors, who want to be lawyers, who want to be SOMEBODY. And what are we doing for those kids? Those adults? We are trying to send aide there. But is that what we need to do, really?
My mom told me the other day that we dont necessarily need to send the aid but maybe we need to invest in Africa. The question is how?
Now, my mom is a smart woman, and I generally listen to her. So this whole investing in Africa has gotten me thinking.
So when I grow up, I want to be able to invest in Africa. I will find a way (I am after all an accounting major!) and I want to change the lives of people who want it. I wont push a religion on these people- because I am not religious. I think there need to be more non-religious people in the world doing good things abroad, I want to find a way to do that. And people may laugh at me, may think that I should work on the US, but really, honestly EVERY country needs investment, I just choose to invest in Africa- which I realize is a continent and not a country, but for some reason- I cant explain it totally, I feel compelled by Africa. I want to do something good for that continent. I mean after all, it IS where my mom spent half her childhood- and yes that is PART of why I want to deal with Africa, but at the same time I am not convinced that her childhood is the only reason!
So, heres to my BIG dreams. Not the small dreams that I will accomplish by the end of this year, but if I am lucky, I can achieve my big dreams sometime within the next 15 years!
I sit here, and I feel blessed to have the life that I have. I know that I am better off than most people in the world- yes the world, but at the same time I do not actually have infinite resources. However, I get to go to college, I get to follow my dreams, even if they seem silly, no one has ever told me that I won't go far.
Think of the people who dont get to follow their dreams. I am talking not only about the children who arent wanted or the kids who are abused, but adults to- they have dreams too. I am talking not only about our neighbors in the poor parts of America, but the world. How often are we told of statistics from countries around the world where people arent educated, where they have to walk for miles a day just for water or where they cannot get any medical treatment.
Now, I am not a doctor, I dont ever want to be a doctor, but I am sure that somewhere in Africa there are children who want to be doctors, who want to be lawyers, who want to be SOMEBODY. And what are we doing for those kids? Those adults? We are trying to send aide there. But is that what we need to do, really?
My mom told me the other day that we dont necessarily need to send the aid but maybe we need to invest in Africa. The question is how?
Now, my mom is a smart woman, and I generally listen to her. So this whole investing in Africa has gotten me thinking.
So when I grow up, I want to be able to invest in Africa. I will find a way (I am after all an accounting major!) and I want to change the lives of people who want it. I wont push a religion on these people- because I am not religious. I think there need to be more non-religious people in the world doing good things abroad, I want to find a way to do that. And people may laugh at me, may think that I should work on the US, but really, honestly EVERY country needs investment, I just choose to invest in Africa- which I realize is a continent and not a country, but for some reason- I cant explain it totally, I feel compelled by Africa. I want to do something good for that continent. I mean after all, it IS where my mom spent half her childhood- and yes that is PART of why I want to deal with Africa, but at the same time I am not convinced that her childhood is the only reason!
So, heres to my BIG dreams. Not the small dreams that I will accomplish by the end of this year, but if I am lucky, I can achieve my big dreams sometime within the next 15 years!
A Whole New World
Its almost official. I am just a letter away from no longer being in a sorority, this is thrilling. I realize that some of these people won't like me because of my decision and I realize that I might make some enemies because I didnt fit into the sorority prototype- I mean I am pretty close, but I like to have my own thoughts and thats generally looked down upon. And honestly, I cannot wait! I do NOT have any ill will towards anyone in a sorority, but the Greek system has flaws, and they are flaws that I refuse to be a part of. I am me, I do not judge people based on knowing them for 3 days, sorry, I cannot do that- not in a public way anyway.
Breaking News:
I talked to both the Assistant Athletic Director of Transy and the Men's basketball coach and they have both told me that they would love for me to help with stats.
The Asst. AD said that he would put me in the rotation for working home games. He asked if I was willing to learn other sports, and being the person that I am, I said YES, of course! So I am learning about volleyball. And honestly the other people at the table don't really talk to me, BUT I am still having fun. I cannot wait for basketball season! The Asst. AD also told me that I was a godsend, and an Angel falling from heaven. It reminds me of a corny pick up line, but what can I say? I am getting involved with athletics and that is all I have wanted for the past year to year and a half. I am SO thrilled.
Then when I talked to the Coach, he said that there were times at away games that they got burned because they didnt have someone doing the books. And he could definitely use my help. At every away game, unless it was a non-doubleheader overnight game, and thats because he doesnt have the budget to get me my own room. But still, he said that he would take me to the games! I am gonna be on the bus, with the team! He wants to use me for scrimmages and practices too, I cannot WAIT! I mean, seriously I am willing to maybe even sacrifice my fall break in order to get this party started! HAHA.
As for other things in life. Sports has started to take over, and I couldnt be happier about that, I mean, you all know- or have at least read, I am a sports nut. And these developments have been AMAZING, in my eyes.
OH OH OH, and the other day after the volleyball game the Saint said "Whats up Jess" I about had a heartattack, I couldnt believe it, not only did he say hi to me, but he knows my name, and shortened it to my favorite nickname.
I love when guys call me Jess, but I will NEVER tell someone to call me Jess, its gotta be something that they come up with on their own.
Its time to learn how to take everything in without being SO emotionally affected. Its hard, its going to be one of my biggest challenges, but I think I am up to it. I mean maybe, if he says hi to me I am not so creepy. Maybe, just maybe we could be honest to goodness friends.
So, heres to hoping, and the whole new world of getting involved with athletics. I will keep you posted!
Oh, and as for that guy that I wrote about all summer? Yea, we are slowly maybe forming a friendship, but its not the main part of my life, and for that I am grateful. It amazes me just how much our moods and emotions can shift. People who stay on an even keel emotion wise, well I bow down to them, because I find that incredible difficult. :)
Breaking News:
I talked to both the Assistant Athletic Director of Transy and the Men's basketball coach and they have both told me that they would love for me to help with stats.
The Asst. AD said that he would put me in the rotation for working home games. He asked if I was willing to learn other sports, and being the person that I am, I said YES, of course! So I am learning about volleyball. And honestly the other people at the table don't really talk to me, BUT I am still having fun. I cannot wait for basketball season! The Asst. AD also told me that I was a godsend, and an Angel falling from heaven. It reminds me of a corny pick up line, but what can I say? I am getting involved with athletics and that is all I have wanted for the past year to year and a half. I am SO thrilled.
Then when I talked to the Coach, he said that there were times at away games that they got burned because they didnt have someone doing the books. And he could definitely use my help. At every away game, unless it was a non-doubleheader overnight game, and thats because he doesnt have the budget to get me my own room. But still, he said that he would take me to the games! I am gonna be on the bus, with the team! He wants to use me for scrimmages and practices too, I cannot WAIT! I mean, seriously I am willing to maybe even sacrifice my fall break in order to get this party started! HAHA.
As for other things in life. Sports has started to take over, and I couldnt be happier about that, I mean, you all know- or have at least read, I am a sports nut. And these developments have been AMAZING, in my eyes.
OH OH OH, and the other day after the volleyball game the Saint said "Whats up Jess" I about had a heartattack, I couldnt believe it, not only did he say hi to me, but he knows my name, and shortened it to my favorite nickname.
I love when guys call me Jess, but I will NEVER tell someone to call me Jess, its gotta be something that they come up with on their own.
Its time to learn how to take everything in without being SO emotionally affected. Its hard, its going to be one of my biggest challenges, but I think I am up to it. I mean maybe, if he says hi to me I am not so creepy. Maybe, just maybe we could be honest to goodness friends.
So, heres to hoping, and the whole new world of getting involved with athletics. I will keep you posted!
Oh, and as for that guy that I wrote about all summer? Yea, we are slowly maybe forming a friendship, but its not the main part of my life, and for that I am grateful. It amazes me just how much our moods and emotions can shift. People who stay on an even keel emotion wise, well I bow down to them, because I find that incredible difficult. :)
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