Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

Ok, so no I havent actually cried today, but I did yesterday. I know I havent written in a while, but I turned 20 today. And I am thrilled to no longer be a teenager, not that I had a hard time being a teen, but I was just ready to not be anymore! haha. The only thing is that I feel SO lonely. I mean I have a family that loves me and I have some amazing friends, but sometimes I just want someone who will hold me at night- something that I know I've said over and over, but its just what I feel. SO, here's to an incredibly lonely birthday, may they not happen every year.

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

Still confused. Good days come less often than the bad days with the boy and maybe its time to start to let go. Everyone tells me to let go, move on, hes not worth it, but at the same time I feel as if I am letting him down. Never before have I left someone when I have had so many questions that havent been answered. Is he really this moody, or is he just TRYING to push me away? What has him hurting so much that he is so miserable? And its not like I totally believe in astrology, that I live by it, and check my horoscope daily- because I dont. But a friend has a couple of books, and I was reading those yesterday and boy did the ways of a Cancer really fit this guy. One of the books said that the easiest way to piss off a cancer is by being happy- and you know what I can see that. I am almost always happy on the outside, or at least in public, and he has already commented on my being to hyper or happy.
That aside, we have our moments of being compatible, but I dont think its enough. I mean I know relationships are supposed to take time and effort, but at the same time I dont know that they are supposed to take this much time and effort, and definitely not if its only one sided.
So this is what I do know:
-none of my friends like him- and this is important to me
-he is very moody, and I dont know when he is gonna be in a good mood or a bad mood or when it will change- because that happens at the drop of a hat.
-we had a great first week of talking/spending time with each other- but it obviously didnt last
-he helped me to open up, come out of my shell, just a little bit, but baby steps work best for me
-he has some issues from his past that are still bothering him
-And last, I would like to be there for him, be a friend, but there is only so much moodiness that I can take. So for now I shall back off- let him do some of the work of keeping up with our friendship or whatever. Plus, I aint got time for this right now! haha. Ive got finals next week that I really gotta take seriously. and I do, so no distractions!

Breathe

So the past week, when I have been agonizing over the whole new boy thing, it was almost all for nothing. Im an idiot, a creepy one at that. And though he hasnt confirmed my being an idiot, he did accept my apology, I think. I shall try to write out what happened, if nothing else to prevent it from happening next time. And Andrew helped me figure these things out- from a guys (or mostly guys, lol) persepective. Last Sunday when my mom called when I was out with him and I told her what was going on, it may have freaked him out. I understand that and if thats what happened I am sorry. And then he was taking a step back- not necessarily trying to run away, just slowing down, and I felt that he was running, and so I tried to keep him. Not the best idea at this point. And I kept pushing and pushing and making an issue out of something that wasnt really there- or at least not as bad as I made it out to be. Doing that only made it worse. Basically he was trying to take a step back- I didnt recognize this and just thought he was going through a hard time, and needed a friend, so I went into friend mode. I care very much about my friends, especially when they are going through a hard time, so I went into overprotective, I am gonna stand by your side no matter what friend mode. And this probably scared him a little more. At this point Andrew comes into my room- the boy and I had just had another little spat, and Andrew looked at it, explained it and then got a phone call. So while he was talking to his sister, I looked back over some things that were said in the last week or so, and at the beginning the boy wasnt pulling away, just not talking so much as he had been- and I took that and ran with it, so to speak.
Yesterday morning I apoligized for overreacting, and he accepted it and we had a good day talking yesterday. Theres still some things that I am iffy about, things that I am not sure bringing up would be good, but ya know, I think eventually things will be ok. I just gotta remember to not be SOOOOO ready to jump on something that isnt necessarily happening. Ive got to keep my head on my shoulders, and take things slow. I get upset when I dont understand something- and thats what makes me react so strongly. Note to self- strive to understand, but dont overreact! :)

Past and Present

So I wrote the following paragraph back in December on my myspace blog, and it still stands true today, so I am trying to reiterate what I have said before, maybe it'll keep me going, and growing. This is what I said then:

So though its hard, and not necessarily fun, I am working on being me, finding myself (and I have come a long way, but circumstances are always changing so I may not know myself 100%, and thats ok.) and letting people see me. Not a shy person, but rather a talkative one, and not always a happy person, but a person that always wants to make others smile, and not always a nice person, but a person who tells others when she is mad at them, or hits them out of frustration, or maybe gives them the silent treatment. So this is me, being myself, and hoping that others will want to find a place in my life, whether its as friends, acquaintances, or other things. But no pressure, things will happen when they are meant to, and I may not be happy with the timing but I do believe that it will happen when I am truly ready, and
until then I'll be the best me that there is.

And I'll leave this post with just that.
Goodnight

Here comes goodbye

And death hits my family once again. My grandma's significant other passed away, I got the message at 11:26 this morning. It wasnt a surprise but it still has a blow. With every death now, I am reminded of my granmda- she was the first person that I was close to that passed away, and everytime that hole in my heart is rubbed raw again. I have a routine by now- I am really raw for a couple of days, and then it scabs over and then its like a new scar- that rough pink skin. But it will get better over time- even scars And though I know those who are close to me want to be there for me, but I dont think anyone really has the answers for when something like this happens.
So, the best answer about how to deal with these situations comes from within. I am a strong person, and I have gotten through this before, and I can do it again. And for those who dont know what to say to me, ignore the death part, talk to me like or ordinarily would, but at the same time hug me. Thats all I need, I just need hug after hug after hug. Someone to hold me tight- without saying anything- would be ideal, but I know that at this point that wont happen.
Its easy for me to let anyone in, but its harder to let them stay, people get to know me and they leave, whether its after a few weeks or after years, its what happens I am used to it. I am a country girl and when you lose something you dont cry. Its like falling down, you get up, wipe the dust off, laugh a little too loudly if you are slightly embarrassed and go on with life.
Its also kind of like getting in a fight- if you are pissed enough you arent gonna give up. You get punched you punch back, so I just gotta remember that life is gonna keep knocking me down, and the best thing that I can do is keep getting up.
I realized today that I have great friends here at Transy, and I think that they put up with tons of crap from me and I appreciate it, but at the same time I would do anything for these people. But there comes a point when talking about yourself is just too much. Everyone has problems and almost everyone can listen about others problems- to a certain extent, but theres gotta be some give and take.
I also realized that though I am an open book and I will share just about anything with the people that I know- I still internalize a fair amount too. There isnt a single person around that knows everything that goes on behind my hazel eyes, and honestly I wouldnt have it any other way. I am blessed to have the people in my life that are there for me, and in return- I am there for everyone, almost unconditionally.

And it all comes crashing down

I just received the lovely news that my grandma's boyfriend is dying- they dont expect him to live through the weekend. He had surgery for Kidney cancer just in January. Now, it might seem that I am fairly removed from him- hes not even necessarily a part of the family, but it will still be hard. Its mostly hard because my mom describes this as being similar to how her father died, and its taking a toll on her, as well as my grandma. Len is kind of an abrasive person but he has good intentions and he has always been helpful and he loved my grandma- which gets him the most points.
It all kind of brings me back to the death of my grandma- and those shortly after. Death isnt something one likes, or looks forward to (well at least not most people) but it is a part of live and you get used to it, or rather Ive gotten used to it. The hardest was 6 people in 6 months. And I dont know if this will be 9 or 10, but it doesnt matter- its still no fun.
I guess the moral of the story, for me anyway is sure its hard, and yea it hurts like hell, but I just gotta get up and keep going. I am allowed a breakdown, but my friends and my family count on me, and I can help others, as long as I am functional myself. If I dont stay on my feet, how am I supposed to be there to help others back up. There is more to this world than just me, and I feel that if I can help pick just one person up then its worth it. But at the same time, its times like these when I am most vulnerable, and I just want to be held- even though it seems pretty impossible. :) Give me a few days, maybe a week, and I will be fine.

An Analogy, and a continuation of the current saga.

So today, while trying NOT to fall asleep in my macroeconomics class I just started writing. And then I found an analogy of the whole boy thing that I am going through. It starts with meeting one another- and that is like catching the eye of someone on the sidewalk that you dont know but you smile and say hi and go on with your life, there are no expectations with that.
Then the week of intense conversation and couple of nights that he came up to Transy- that is like meeting someone on vacation, you want to know everything and anything, and you spend LOTS of time with that person. Or I also thought it would be like walking down a street with someone, holding their hand and then going to a coffee shop for conversation. Either way, its an intense period but at the same time the expecatations still arent totally clear and you are just enjoying spending time with a person.
Next you say something that the other person doesnt like, or something that worries them, and they run into a building and lock it up tight. They put up barriers, maybe unintentionally, but barriers just the same. And I have been standing on the porch of the house (what I imagine the building as), I get little muffled responses to my questions and I dont understand what has happened, and it might very well be raining, but I dont leave, because thats not me. I stick around because I dont understand, I stick around because I care and thats just who I am.
Finally the door is slowly unlocked, and I have to remember not to thrust myself agains the door, because that wont help. I just have to be patient. Maybe the door will open a crack. And I will take what I can get, crack by crack by crack. I think a normal person would walk away from the situation, but I am not normal, and for some reason I cant just let go.
So heres to waiting for the cracks of the door- which means being patient. Im in it for the long haul, you can count on me.