I (accidentally) set myself up for this...

There are these books that I am addicted to... they are sweet, country and everything that won't happen in real life. Well, I finished one last night. Right before bed... right after I watched Mamma Mia- this is where I am glad I decided on Mamma Mia instead of Sweet Home Alabama. 

Putting all the sweet, strong helpful country man thoughts in my head on top of the Greek weeding thoughts. And then drawing parallels between myself and Meryl Streep- Donna- in the movie... I have my Harry Bright (Andrew) and John Anderson (James- because of spontaneity) but I need my Sam Carmichael. Well, all this set me up for some very interesting dreams- or was it all one big dream? I don't know, but here goes. 

And forgive me because I only remember pieces. 

In the dream I was reading one of my books (they are Christian romances... much better than REAL romance novels) and I was at my lunch break from work. I was literally sitting on a bench at the corner of Ring Road and that road that the mall is on. And across the street from me was Tractor Supply- which, funny enough is where Tractor Supply really is, though the rest of the scenery didnt really fit with the E-town TSC. So back to the dream, I look up from my book and see J working and I'm filled with sadness, but something else catches my eye... gangsters. They do something bad, and I witness it and then they realize that I've witnessed it so they come over to beat me up- they want to rape me. And I remember in the midst of all this that I look over to TSC again and J is gone. I think to myself- "Figures, this guy couldnt love me so why would he save me?" But somehow I convince the gangsters that I'm not going to talk that I didnt see anything and that beating me up would only cause them more trouble and they leave me alone. I go back to work, sad. But as I leave I look back to where I had been sitting and J is having words with the gangsters. Again I think to myself "Being a hero when I've already saved myself does no good, James." 

Next scene. We are IN the E-town TSC- which I've never been in in real life- and we are with the Girl Scouts and this place has all the normal TSC stuff but then it has lots of extras. And the best thing about the Tractor Supply of my dreams was that it had all kinds of loose animals walking through the store. Yep, there were horses, cows, dogs, cats, but there was also a camel- that decided that it was going to be my friend and follow me around (much to my delight), a brown bear- sleeping in a hammock, a giraffe, sheep, goats and lots of other random animals. The girls were allowed to pick out one small thing to buy so as one of the adults I was going around and helping them pick things out. I found a nice charm bracelet which had a basketball hoop, a basketball and a soccer ball, it was perfect for me, until I picked it up and it had various other things attached to it that didnt describe me. So I put it down. And started looking at other things, fully expecting the boots against the tile floor and keys to hint at someone's approach. But I happened to glance down at the floor and realized it was hardwood floor, not tile floor and so boots would sound different. It was a bittersweet realization. 

Obviously I hold on to things super tight until I just let it go. I think this is the start of process of letting go- even though I havent talked to him since September. 

But the last dream was the most bittersweet: 

It was at TSC again... J was there and we were kind of actively avoiding each other, until a customer made him come into the aisle that I was in. After he helped the customer he grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. He said "I'm sorry I hurt you but you were right: I wasn't ready for someone like you." he then bent down to kiss me and walked away. I walked out, to a bright, wonderful day. And that was that. 

As much as I was having a bad J day in early December, I am having the opposite today. That day I was just unhappy and bringing him into my pain was second nature and it worked- I was more unhappy and focused on him instead of everything else in my life. 

Today, I am happy. I have a job, a paycheck and everyone at my job is amazing in their own way. I love them all, already and I've only worked 8 days. I have been invited out with the girls and I joke around with one of the guys, who I think will be a buddy. I ask for work and I am given lots of random tasks that make me feel useful. I have a happy place now, this is my happy place, this moment in my life. He isn't a part of it. No guy is, this is MY time, the time to be selfish and do whatever I want with my life. I also have a whole lot of great friends, each of them is there when I need them and I miss them dearly. I need a reunion.(hmm...) Everything has its time: this is my time to learn, to grow and to love each day. No need to be sad, unhappy and needy. :)

Bad J Day.

Do you have a person in your life that tells you too much about the woes that they are having with someone? Not just anyone but theres that one person in their life that ruins everything and then they pass it on by telling you how this person ruined everything, and you want to be supportive but god you dont want to listen anymore? 

OK. Now is when you just stop reading this post- because I am about to become that person! 

The good news, though is that if you DONT stop reading this post, you dont have to respond to me in any way. 

So really, its win-win: I get to let my feelings out and you can be supportive while rolling your eyes in the comfort of your own home. 

Here goes:

Today I was at TSC and I was looking for something for my mom and I hear keys jingling as someone is walking. I freeze. J isn't here, he cant be- I know this, and I still freeze and locate the person who is wearing the jingle keys- some random black guy. Shew, crisis averted. But then as I am walking through the aisles I here some boots scuffing the floor- you are rolling your eyes arent you. Again, I freeze- holding my breath- logically I KNOW hes not in this store, hes 80 miles away in a different store- if he's even working today. But I cannot help those reactions, they are simply automatic. Why, you ask? Because the times that I have seen him at work his boots and or keys have announced his approach. 

Universe, I get it, I'm obviously not over this person yet. I guess I just keep on keeping on. But thinking doesnt help, because I think of the good, fun times we had. I know, I know, dont text him, dont message him. I get it. And I'm not going to text or message him- but that doesnt mean I dont WANT to. No, today I've been re-living every good moment that we had together- though I know they dont erase the not so good times. 

Sigh. 

May 19th 2009 started it all. June 6th 2009 was good, So was Oct 8, 2010. But the most perfect was May 26th 2011. And I wouldnt change the experience. It had its ups and downs and apparently it ran its course. 

So here's my take-away message.... Its gonna take time, and I know this, thanks to my history- Timmy B anyone? That only took 8 years to get over. Again, the point is that it might take time, but I am allowed to be happy, sad, etc. I just have to remember that I also still have a life to live. And no memory is more important than a full life. Sure, you can have moments of memories- because memories are important too... but you gotta keep making new memories which means you gotta be present in your life. 

Late night resolve

It might be just me but sometimes, usually as I am going to bed, I make a decision  that solves a problem of mine. An example would be all those late night blog posts about confronting people, but then I rarely actually follow through. What sounds good and proactive as I am going to sleep is just plain scary when I wake up the next morning. Often I think through tough situations and come to a conclusion that seems reasonable, something like "I will say this thing to this person because they hurt me and I need to stand up for myself" but the next morning my resolve is completely gone and I never say what I wanted to say. Maybe its all just a mental game.
Sometimes, I mentally thank various guys that have been in my life and are now gone.
Sometimes, I scream and yell at guys who confuse me.
 And here's where the blog comes in- most of my blog rants fit in the category of guys, right? And often I say things that I cannot say in person, correct? See, its all my late night resolve.

Tonight's late night resolve is about my life in general and the changes that I want to make. See, since graduation and before I got the job I felt like I was in a holding pattern. Just being there day to day, and I dont want to do that anymore. I want to live, succeed, thrive.
I remember in high school, I would get up early- like 5:30- I left the house at 6:30- and I would just enjoy the quiet of the house. I would exercise or watch the news, and then I got to start my day. But no one else in the house was up. I loved that, and I think that it might make a comeback. See, 1 week from tomorrow I start my new job. I gotta be there at 8 which means leaving the house at 7:30, at least theoretically- gotta test the woes of traffic to be sure.
Back to the resolve. Its time to carve out moments for myself in my day- not days for myself. And I have decided that the morning is the perfect time to do it. If I wake up at 6:30 perhaps I can do a little work out, shower and be ready. I gotta be careful though, because my mom wakes up early too, and I dont want her in my business in the mornings.
I've also decided that the morning is the time to do some exercising. If I am going to make it a part of my day, better do it at the beginning of the day so that I can feel good for the whole day! Getting up early though, is going to mean an earlier bedtime.
And since I dont want to shock my body too much in one fell swoop, I am going to bed now! And waking up earlier! Going to wean myself off of my extra sleep. Get 8 hours and do it in a better schedule.
Goodnight friends!

Thanksgiving.... 2 weeks late

I don't even remember if I posted about not being very thankful on Thanksgiving. But I wasn't. In fact, I was a gross human who was simply living. Someone who wasnt thankful for even the roof over her head. I am so ashamed of my Thanksgiving behavior.
And maybe someone or something else was ashamed too. Though, instead of putting me in my place and taking things away from me, I was given a wonderful gift- or 2000.
I got the call this past Monday about a job. Its more of an intern like position, as far as I can tell, but its a foot in the door, experience and a pay check!
This job offer, as well as the offer that I got on Tuesday made me appreciate my life in a way that I had been missing.
It wasn't just me who made myself who I am today, it was the effort and influence of every person that I have ever met. I am incredibly grateful for each and every person that I have met.
Maybe more importantly I have been thinking about the influence that one of my brothers has had in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love both of my brothers very much, its just that one of them moved out when I was 9 and the other when I was 15. And there is a reason that one of them is a bit more influential in my life.
When I was 11 my dad had a heart attack. Something you probably know already. And while my dad's health has never really been the same, neither has the relationship between my brother and I.
While both of my brothers took wonderful care of me when I was a kid, I think it was the heart attack and the various hospital visits after that that really impacted my life. I always felt closer to W growing up, and one of my favorite memories is watching the T-giving Day Parade with him randomly one T-giving as the rest of the house was busy with T-giving preparations. But there we were just chillen in his room, watchin the parade.
I dont have moments like that- sweet moments- with B. In fact, I always thought B was a bit grouchy. Then W moved out and B was still around. B took me random places with him and his girlfriends- I think he used me as a "aww, hes nice to his little sister" but thats ok, because I loved the attention. He even took me to a Shania Twain concert- ST is my FAVORITE artist, and so that was a big deal. And it's looking back on memories from that concert that I realize he was protective and fierce. Great things to have in a big brother- as long as its not TOO much, which, so far, it hasnt been.
Then the heart attack, and while I know W visited, I am also aware that he didn't visit often, and I am pretty sure he wasn't there that first day. B, though, he became my guardian. Mom was sticking with dad a fair amount of the time, and what 11 year old wants to be in the hospital and eating hospital food? No thanks. So B would take me out of the hospital, get me away from that place and spend time with me. I think mostly he fed me and just ran errands but it was better than being in the hospital. And then that became our thing, anytime dad was in the hospital B would be my ride. Even after I had my driver's license and B had moved out, when Dad went to the hospital I drove to B's house and then ride with him to the hospital. Looking back, that was the best thing for our relationship. We had talks during those rides, we talked about things other than dad and going to the hospital. Hopes and dreams.
Which brings me to the whole point of this story.
If there was a moment in my life that I know was a turning point, it was during one of those rides to the hospital. (Granted, I didn't know it was a life altering moment then.) I was a senior in high school, it was a cold rainy icky January night, about 1-2 am. Dad had been taken in via ambulance. I drove to B's house and we were riding into the hospital. We had just passed exit 121 on I-65 and were talking about school. I told him about this really neat looking school called Transylvania and that I thought I might want to go there but the drive to Lexington for the overnight visit worried me. See, we had season tickets for UK bball and at that point in my life I had never made a trip to Lex without falling asleep. I told B that I was worried about driving there because I was scared of falling asleep at the wheel. He laughed at me, and said "Seriously? Come on Jess, just do it." It kind of hurt my feelings at the time, but you know what? I did it. I set up an overnight and the rest is history. I was totally ready to write Transy off because I was scared of the drive, and my brother made me rethink that decision.
The rest is history, right? I've now graduated from Transy and am on my way to a career. I am really glad my brother made fun of me that night, so glad, I am not even gonna think about what would have happened had he not!

Goodnight folks, here's to a special supportive family member, may you all have one- even if its not a blood family member! :)

Rolling in the Deep

Its an Adele song.

Last night, J popped up on my fb ticker. He's now friends with his ex-girlfriend. And while that really shouldnt matter to me, I had a violent physical reaction. I started shaking, and I got seriously nauseous.  I'm really kind of protective- a silent protector in some ways in that its your life do what you want, but I will ache for you when I think you are making a mistake. I will cringe and scream and just overall hope that things turn out ok for you. And I think the violent reaction that I had last night was due mostly because this person called the cops on him when they broke up. Why would you let that back into your life?  He was also uploading various pictures and such, and apparently he got a new car- go him. And boy are those nephews of his getting big.
I realized last night- and its not the first time, and it probably wasnt the last time that I cant really control people. I can be there for them, I can support them, but if they dont want support than there is no reason for me to stick around- especially after they have hurt me in the way that J did. There are 2 reasons that I didnt delete him as a friend this summer after we had our discussion 1. I wanted to keep track of what was going on in his life 2. I wanted to be there as a friend if he needed me. But the bottom line is that I dont need to keep track of his life- he is consistently making decisions that I dont like, and that drive knives into me. I dont think he was all evil, but yes, he played with me. And really, dating a person named Kitty Cat? I shudder at the thought of that- and yes, that is highly judgmental of me, but thats ok. Also, if he wanted me to be there as a friend he would contact me, he's never had a problem with that before. So ultimately, this whole "friendship" was just toxic.

And while I often tell myself and really hope that I have gotten over this person, its blatantly obvious that I have not. I did, however have 2 months where I was blissfully away from boy drama. I know that I deserve better. I know I have no claim on him. I know that hes a jerk. I know all these things and yet, I still like him. (Idiocy on my part) I still smile at my memories with him. And I most definitely tense up every time I am in a Tractor Supply store expecting him to come up and do something to me, though I know, logically he wont ever be in one of the Tractor Supply stores that I will now go to.

I guess the moral of this story is the same thing that we are always told: you cant change the past, I cannot change what J meant to me, but I can move forward, and I am allowed to stumble, but eventually I will get on my feet and I will be fine. I know these things, I just dont exactly believe them yet! :) Hang tough, friends.

Moving in

This week I am house sitting for some friends. They are on vacation and I am in charge of their 3 dogs and 2 cats. And I brought my Miss. Payton.
They have a really nice 2 story house plus a walk out basement. I love the house. I mean, sure its not perfect, but I do really like the house.
I am close- like REALLY close- to any place that I could need: grocery stores, food places, mall, movie theater, etc.
And during my stay here, I have realize some things that I want and some things that I dont want in my house- when I ever get to get one.
1. Fenced in yard. Miss Payton is a very private dog, and one who doesn't particularly like to do her business where everyone can see her.
2. No bedroom off of the kitchen.
3. Basement
4. Limited clutter is amazing.
5. Lots of lighting.

Thats all I can think of, at the moment!

I'm thankful, no, really... I am... well, most days.

I am thankful for my family, my health, my dog, my support system, Transy basketball, working brakes, opportunities that get me out of the house for a bit, sleep, antibiotics, nieces and nephews who seem to enjoy spending time with me, and being able to buy Christmas presents for everyone in my family without going into debt or having to worry about money.
I am NOT thankful for my relationship status- or really lack thereof which coincides with me not being thankful for the fact that I am the ONLY single person in my extended family over the age of 20. I am also, not exactly thankful for the fact that I dont have a job. haha.
This is also one of those times in my life where saying "It will happen when it happens." or "At least you have both parents" or "You arent really missing out" or "The guys dont know what they are missing" DOESNT HELP. Nope, sorry, its not comforting and in fact telling me such things are likely to make me go off.

But regardless of all these things, life moves forward... and so will I, just give me a little bit of time to regroup.

A dream come true

When I went to Transy, I was already a huge UK fan- and we had basketball season tickets.
Then I went to a Transy game. I fell in love. The way that Transy plays is just mesmerizing to me.
So I became a Transy basketball fan. My sophomore year I didnt miss a home game, I picked the UK games that I went to based on the Transy schedule. And then I went and made my own stats sheet and kept the stats for the games. But I even made it to a couple of away games. I drove through 3 states and 3 forms of precipitation to watch that team play. Junior year, I talked to the coach and traveled with the team. Senior year, I was even closer to the team. And I kept wishing that they would get to play UK. My friends and family told me I was crazy and that it would never happen.
It happened, last night.
Now, its sad that it didnt happen during my tenure at Transy, but on the other hand, I wouldnt have gotten to cheer like I did if I had been doing the books.
And man, did I cheer. I had everyone in my section looking at me and then whispering to their friends.
I can only imagine what they were saying about me. But really, honestly, for the first time- I didnt care.
I was not objective in this game. I was body and soul cheering for Transy. And I was proud of the effort that our guys gave.

Baby when we're good, you know we're great...

But theres too much bad for us to think
That theres anything worth trying to save.

Tomorrow, by Chris Young.

Oh, Halloween, how you makes me remember LAST Halloween and the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?
Been thinking of J lately, sigh. But here's what's been in that thought process lately.
It was last Oct 28th that I cut him off, we didnt talk til March 27 and then we talked fairly frequently through May 26th and then our contact fizzled away. In August, or was it September that we had our last real conversation.
But look at that March 27 through May 26 was our main contact. Thats 2 months. We had a good 2 month out of the last 12 months. Wow. Thats pretty sad. Thats incredibly sad. That means that if we were to lengthen the time, it would take us 6 years to have a good 12 months (for 1 year).
Thats not how I want to live my life. My James chapter is obviously done- except for the lingering thought.

And truth be told- I've noticed that I have been focusing less energy on finding a man. On crushing on guys in my life.

Right now, my focus is on finding a job. On passing my CPA tests. I dont have the time or energy for a guy. I know that sounds like a cop out, and maybe it is, but I really have more pressing things in my life to deal with than guys. If a guy wants to be in my life- he will be.

So here's to quiet blessings, one of which being no longer being led on by JJRDF. Though its a shame that our friendship went to hell too.

Goodnight, love you all.

I think I am doing it backwards

I am not a mom.

But I am a girl scout leader and I volunteer for the local middle school's boys basketball team. 

I feel like I am doing things not in order. But maybe there is no order, maybe its all a part of being an individual. 

I find myself in the position of being a role model. 

And not just for the people who see me at every girl scout meeting or outing, or those that see me at every basketball game. Maybe I unintentionally impact someone that I talk to at just one game. 

Maybe I am touching the lives of 19 girls and their families and not just the 2 that I am related to. 

Perhaps people see me as a dedicated sister, because I have only missed 1 of my brothers' basketball games- and hes not a player. 

I dont want to be the sister/aunt that they see at holidays and special occasions. I want to be the supportive aunt that they can turn to for anything, but also the adult that will step back and let them figure some things out for themselves. 

And while it seems I have that part of my life figured out... I still dont have a job. 

Really, I still dont know what I want to do with my life. 

I have an accounting degree. I am working to get my CPA license- easier said than done. 

But I miss my basketball life. Which makes me want to follow the sports management path again. 

And people have always told me I would be a good teacher, and goodness, their schedule would be an awesome one to have- it would be good for traveling.

So maybe doing something that had a "season" so to speak. I mean accounting does have a season- but you generally are an accountant for the whole year. 

I may be getting my first job break soon. My sister-in-law is trying to get some help at the middle school in the front office, and if I can get my foot in the door I could possibly work to become a substitute teacher- then I would see if teaching could be something for me. 

Here's to finding one's way... because, by golly, I think I may be headed in the right direction... just in time for basketball season!! :) 

Chapters

Today I was thinking a lot about people in my life. Ok, so mostly guys. But then instead of dwelling on certain guys I started putting them in chapters.
There's that saying that goes something like "Love is only a chapter in a guy's life, but for a girl its the whole book." This is where I got my chapter idea.
But I didnt put just guys in chapters, I started putting my whole life in chapters by categories.
The interesting but cool thing about all this chapter-ing is that the chapters overlap not just intercategory, but also intracategory.
For instance in boys there is Timmy-3rd grade through 8th, Nathan-homeschooling and 9th grade, Will-9th grade through 11th grade, etc. etc. I'm not going to elaborate further just yet.
There are school chapters.
The brother chapters- living with both brothers, living with just one, having them both moved out and married. Which leads into the nieces and nephew chapters.
Theres the chapter that includes my grandma Carnes, and the chapter of her decline, and now the chapter now that shes gone. Side note: I watched home videos today- I saw the video of my first steps and my grandma was there and she was talking, and hearing her voice made me cry. Oh man, I am going to cherish these tapes.

Here's to organizing my life by chapters, I am having fun with it so far, and it gets me off of thinking about J. Because lets face it, thats who I was thinking about when I started my chapter-ing!

Goods and bads... ups and downs.

I suck at writing when I am confused. I also suck at writing when when I am happy.
I realized that I write when I am frustrated, when I am hurt and when I have something exciting that has happened.
You dont get to see much of the everyday me.
Im guessing thats because I dont necessarily need an outlet when life is going fine.
I also have a hard time writing when I cant sort things out.
And I suppose for the past week I have had a combination of all of those.
Le sigh.
Mostly though, I just feel empty.
I'm a college graduate, I have a degree and yet I have no job.
I can't even seem to find a freakin part time job.
I am living with my parents- and while its nice and all that jazz, I am 22 years old. I shouldnt have to depend on my parents anymore.
And I have a tiny social life. I miss my TU people, because though I didnt go out often- I had the opportunity to! Now, going out is a huge ordeal and pretty much just not worth it.

SO, here is my call to the universe.
Dear Universe,
I would greatly appreciate a job, which I enjoy that will also help me towards my CPA license, a job where others appreciate my work as much as I enjoy it. It would be nice if this job also paid me decently- although a internship or volunteer position is fine-for now.Give me challenges that I can overcome and help others later in life. Yea, I think thats all I would like to ask for right now.
Thanks for the consideration,
Love Jessie

Here, let me slap you in the face...

This whole weekend has been filled with lots of moods. Mostly happy, sometimes sad, a couple of moments of grumpiness.
Friday I had dinner with an old friend, and my gosh it was so nice to catch up with her. Funny though, she too is firmly in the pro-S camp. It just makes me giggle. Sometimes I am irritated that she only really is around occasionally- but after 17 years of friendship I know the cycles and I got this. haha. Anyway, talking to her was nice, we ended up hanging out for almost 4 hours! (wow!)
On the other hand I was told that the fact that I didnt know a friend was gay because of the catastrophe of the winter. I had no clue as to what she was talking about so she elaborated "the time when I froze everyone out". Wow what a slap in the face. Thanks. I didnt freeze everyone out, I didnt freeze anyone out. I was simply trying to figure out where I stood in a time of changes. I cannot help that people felt frozen out

So I began writing this post a week ago now.
I never got my answer as to how a friends homosexuality has anything to do with my psychological state in February... but its whatever, I guess.
I thought I would publish this even if it wasnt finish... because like this post- I am unfinished.

Heart melting moment

So, if you know me at all, you know how much I want kids.
Its like I have child fever, I want kids so bad. But I tell myself that I 1. dont have the means to support kids, and 2. I want to be selfish for a little bit longer before I take the plunge into parenthood.
And while I wait for the right moment- not that there will be one, but lets imagine that there will be- I get my kid fix by spending time with my nieces and nephews. All four of them are growing into not just cute kids, but real people.
Anyway, today was my brother's birthday and we all gathered at his house for a little party- all his wifes doing, and he was obviously annoyed by it all. Then his wife had the gall to refuse a picture with him because it rained today and her hair was frizzy. Ugh. But neither of those things are the point of my story tonight.
After cake and ice cream were consumed the adults were visiting or just sitting around, the children (the 4 mentioned above and and my sister-in-laws twin sister's daughter) were playing in JB's room. Then TA- my youngest nephew walked out of the room carrying a video game leaned against the couch where I was sitting and started to play the game. He proceeded to tell me about the game. I invited him to sit in my lap and play the game, which he did. So there we were sitting on the couch, him in my lap playing this game and me following closely like it was the only thing in the world to do- which at that moment it was. That moment, having my nephew choose to sit in my lap at a big family function- that made my day.
That moment and all of the moments like it is the reason that I want kids. My niece getting excited for a Girl Scout outing because she gets to ride in my car. My older nephew not only willing to give me a hug, but jumping into my arms for a hug. And lastly, having each niece and nephew tell me that they love me.

My hope is that when those kids grow up and get mad at their parents, that I am the one they turn to.
I want to be their stable support.
And eventually, I will have my own kids, but I will be a better mother for spending time with my nieces and nephews.

Heres to kids!

Giggles

Have you ever had so many things to say, but you didnt know where to start so you just dont?
Thats how I feel tonight.
Good things and bad things, so overall this day was just an incredibly interesting day.
It started with a call to come into work- a co-workers son had been in an accident- and we knew nothing more than that.
Then we were BUSY at work.
Then mom and I saw Lion King.
My brother came to visit and brought me paint- YAY paint! Oh, and brother too.
Watched some Ellen- she made me laugh hysterically.
And watched my show, Revenge.
Then, then I got to talk to S. We talked about dancing, phone calls, jobs and relocating (he works for an accounting firm and finds it incredibly funny that hes doing what I want to do, and I cant find a stinkin job.), facebook, beatboxing and just a little bit of lots of life.
If he was asking me if I would relocate for a job with him at his firm the answer is yes! If hes asking if I am just open to looking for jobs outside of KY, the answer is also yes. I would prefer the first one though. Haha.

Anyway- I am exhausted now. Didnt nearly scratch the surface of what I wanted to say, but thats ok.
Tonight is about counting blessings, counting the things that we have experienced, not the things that we missed out on.

Love you all!

Never thought....

I never thought that M would want to talk to me ever again after the way we broke up 6, make that 7? years ago. No, I guess it was just 6.
Anyway, he texted me last night- almost exactly 2 years from the last time that I talked to him.
He wants to see me.
Ugh.
Im too nice to ignore him.
But then he tried to make plans with me, so I artfully dodged them.
And then he said something like "have a good day."

All this just after I had gotten rid of the last 6'4'' country boy in my life.
For a couple of brief weeks my life was nice and uncomplicated- as far as guys.

Although, last week was J's bday and the last time we actually talked I said "talk to you later" to which he responded with "I hope so" and then no acknowledgement when I wished him a happy birthday. Ungrateful wretch.

Back to M, though.
One of his first questions was asking if I was married. Really? He has known me for 6 years does he not know that I am not like the girls around here?
Its the little things: the little things are what attracts you to a guy and the little things will drive you up a wall, in a hurry!
All I can say for certain is: thank god he's in BG and not here... I can avoid him better this way.
Yes, even when I dont want to see people I have a hard time saying "I dont want you in my life, go away" just carefully avoid any and all ultimatums.

Man, I think I was starting to enjoy the simplicity of life without guy issues. I mean sure there's A- but hes gay (and hey that rhymed). And there's T- but he's my husband and if you read one of my recent post you know I'm not kicking him out of my life. Theres S (formerly I), but it seems that that stage might be passing a little bit- though he may always be an ideal guy- the exotic fantasy, so to speak. Wait, get your mind out of the gutter, please and thank you.

Wow, for a while there I was just me. I like that. Lets do that again, k?
Or you know, lets meet this IT guy that my friend who was just recently married wants to set me up with. Ok. I'm up for that. :)

Here's to loving the life you are living. To simplicity.

Twin

Disclaimer- This may not come out as brilliantly as I want it to, but I'm gonna give it a go anyway.

There is a person in my life. A wonderful person, my compliment, my twin. No not my accounting twin- thats another story. This twin is far more of a twin, and the absolute best friend that I have ever had.
This person came into my life when I went to college. And at first we were friends because we were in the same bigger group of people, but the group shifted and we got closer- not in a creepy way, just in a normal course of events, friend way.
Seasons changed, lives were changed, relationships tested, and yet she is the person who has stuck by my side- sometimes begrudgingly (ahem anything having to do with J) and others because I needed her to support me in some way (also ahem J, and family). We have had our fights and there was a terrible moment in my life this summer when I felt that I had completely ruined our friendship (it had something to do with J, surprise surprise). We worked through things and I think in some ways we are closer, though in literal terms we are about 80 miles further apart today than we were a year ago.
Our first serious escapade into drinking was together- and boy did it make an impression on us. (Good times)
And when she started dating her girlfriend things were weird- for a while. Neither one of us had had a boyfriend or girlfriend while we had been friends so it was hard trying to figure out what was going to stay the same and what was going to be different. Hindsight is 20/20, right? Yea, I could have dealt with that about 10,000 times better.
And yet we made it through. Sometimes we talk about all the little nothings and others we stay awake late just to talk about the things that bug us- or scare us, or make us feel bad, or good. Or what we want in life. Goals, plans, hopes, dreams.
The point of this story is that it took me 18 years to find my first "best friend" and I am so glad she is in my life- shes seen some of my best days and some of my absolute worst days, but yet is still my friend.
Plus, when we spend time together we often match-aka Twins. NO friendship can compare.
Also, she fits into my family about as well as I do! haha.
So, Calli, thanks, you are the best and I love you!

Pig Bites

One of our pigs bit me. It happened 2 days ago, but it still effing hurts... and its just strange to say "My pig bit me" its like using "my pig ate my homework" as an excuse... it sounds silly. But it happened. Really and truly happened.

But this post isnt really about pig bites. No. Something else has popped in my head at the most random and inconvenient times during the day.
Today is J's birthday. I wish him a happy 23rd birthday, though I am reminded about his last birthday.
I am obviously not immune to him, or rather thinking about him. But hey, it'll happen. One day, I'll be like "J, yea. That was... interesting. Glad thats not where I ended up. That chapter was one that perhaps needed to happen, but thank god I didn't let it go further."
That day is not today. Though hopefully it wont take 8 years, like it did with Timmy. :)

Ah, well I dont want to dwell on this too much, but I didnt want to keep it all bottled in though.
Dear self,
I acknowledge thoughts of J and understand why they are there. I do not condone any superfluous communication with him.
Dear Heart,
I know this is a weird day, but its ok. It will get better, really.
Dear Brain,
WHY CANT YOU JUST HAVE AMNESIA OF THE JAMES?!
Dear friends,
You are the best. :)

Lean on me..

When your not strong. I'll help you carry on....
Yea, ok, I'll stop there.
But this post is for my "husband", who I have been leaning on lately.

(Cue the cheesy-ness for my platonic husband- its a long story and if you dont know it, well, sucks for you! lol)
T, I am truly happy that you are in my life and such a great friend.
Just over the summer you have talked with me while I've been in good places and bad.
I have revealed to you more than you ever knew about me, mostly because you ask incredibly fascinating questions that leave me no choice but to answer them (ie. passion, obsession and infatuation).
We talk about food- yea, I dont think I have ever had a serious inquisitive discussion about the foods that I like before, or the proper type of macaroni and cheese (for me, its normal, for you its gotta be baked!)
You pretty much always respond when I text- which let me tell you right now, is SO nice. NO, really... it wonderful.
You text me goodnight 9 nights out of 10. And thats something that I talked about on this blog, so I know you read it. Well I know you read it because we talk about it other times too, but still. I appreciate it. (I appreciate ALL my readers.)
I am not sure if you actually ever sleep- because I can text you at some of the most RANDOM hours and you respond. 2 am, sure great. 8 am, no problem. Although you have texted me at 4 am... I was definitely asleep- but was amused.
I also appreciate the fact that you hug me... in a non-imposing way. I have some friends who demand that I hug them and all I want to do is run away- not so with you. lol. That sounds bad, but really its just one friend- and most of the time I DONT run away.
You ask about the things that you know are going on in my life, and you keep up with my life.
My insecurities, you help squish. And you dont make me feel ridiculous when I talk about them.
You also, uncannily know the appropriate times to be silly and when to be wholly serious.

In short, you have been and continue to be such a wonderful friend. :)
I can only hope that I am just as good of a friend to you.

Full disclosure.

I am writing this post as a parody of the way my brain thinks. 

Yes, these were my real thoughts, and yes, I realize they are long shots if that. So dont freak out, dont go assuming things and just laugh with and at me. :) 

Saturday I went to a wedding. While there the bride told me there was this boy she wanted me to meet. 

I panicked. 

On the one hand- weddings are supposed to be great places to meet people- right? So woot.

But on the other hand- I'm incredibly shy... so it would have been awkward to start with, but, then add the fact that my parents were there with me, that makes it even more awkward.

Sadly, my parents were really cold, and we left before the guy even got there. :( 

But, for those of you who actually know me... I dont plan on that being the end of the story with this person. I want to at least meet him- god knows I'm not meeting guys on my own, why not be set up by my friends? :) I've got nothing to lose. 

Being the person that I am, I took everything that I knew about him and made up a fictional story. I'm not saying it couldnt be real, but really, I havent even MET the guy yet. 

So this is what my mind came up with:

(I am going to call him E- its the last letter of  his first name)

E and I meet. Obviously we didnt meet at the wedding, so I get my friend the bride to "set us up" and we meet, well, I came up with E and I going bowling with the newly wedded couple. 

We hit it off. He's got a good job with the city where I want to live, hes an IT guy and somewhat of a country boy- sounds perfect. 

He will hit it off with my dad- cause hes IT and my mom because hes country. 

My brothers will appreciate the fact that he has a good job. 

So we start to date- let me reiterate- THIS HAS NOT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND IS SIMPLY A FABRICATION OF MY IMAGINATION. 

I get a great job, the one that I want in E-town. 

We move in together in his city- Btown. 

Get engaged, married, all that good stuff. 

And live mostly happily ever after. The mostly is because I know there will be some challenges.

Anyway, heres to great imaginations, that can make weddings fun- because face it, going to a wedding single, and as a tagalong to your parents is no fun... ok so its sometimes fun, like when you are 10.. definitely NO fun when you are 22. 

ten-one-eleven

Well, I sat down to write a brilliant blog post.

And then I completely forgot what I was going to say. 

Then this overwhelming exhaustion came over me. 

So I think I will head to bed. 

But first a random fact: I love understated, elegant jewelry. Like my ring, its simple but beautiful and takes my breath away every time that wear it. I dont like gaudy, big, costume jewelry- I generally gag. But something small that has meaning, now, that its just wonderful. 

For example: my ring is something that my mom bought me for Valentine's day the year that I turned 16. 

And the necklace that I wore today is the necklace that my moms oldest KY friend gave me as a graduation present. 

Alrighty, yawning has overtaken me. Goodnight friends! 

Family history, and all that Jazz.

I, me, myself am unique. However, I, me, myself am small- a spec of dust in the scheme of things.
How can I make my spec of dust count for something?
Yes, I still feel like crap- but tonight I'm going to get a good night's sleep and I am going to wake up tomorrow and clean the house, do some of my studying and get more resume's out there.
Why, you ask?
Because today it so happened there was a Medal of Honor service in Louisville, which made me think of my family history. See, the older generations of my family served in the military.
Both of my grandfathers served and fought in World War II. And my mother's paternal grandfather was a Navy Chaplain and is buried at Arlington. As is my Great Uncle, who just passed away in March- he served in World War II and the Korean War.
My maternal grandfather and that great uncle both got the Silver Star.
So here I am, a college graduate who is trying to find a job, but mostly living at home with no prospects and no REAL job to speak of...wow, I feel so inadequate compared to my family.
And its time to change that. I gotta own my CPA exam that I take next week- REALLY own it.
Time to get up and start applying for part-time jobs, and if I get a full-time job around the same time, so be it, people do that right?
I gotta pick myself up off this freakin floor that I've hit, and be the candidate that I believe myself to be.

Feeling empowered in my sickly state... how interesting.
Anyway, heres to become just the latest in the line of awesome people in my family. I WILL get there... though maybe not right away.

Libra

Yes, as in the astrological sign.
Its my weakness.
Seriously, the one boyfriend that I have had was a Libra- born on Sept 28- yep thats today.
J is a libra... Oct 7.
And S is a libra- Sept 28... yep, I have liked 2 guys with the same birthday- its kinda weird actually.
On the flip side- I attract Cancers... interesting, no?

Anyway, let me wish happy birthday to both S and M... haha S & M- but not that, just 2 people. Sorry, sidetracked.
OH, and if I seem a little out of it, its because I have this awful cold and apparently I've been having quite a few brain malfunctions. lol.
Back to S and M the people.
It strikes me as funny that they have the same birthday, the are also 6'4''... but thats more of a universal quality in every guy that I have seriously liked.
M- well he was needy. A nice guy, but just too needy for my tastes. And I wasnt ever really willing to compromise with him for anything. He was a nice guy, and I am ashamed to say it I used him a bit- however.. he was totally aware of the situation and I never did anything behind his back, nor did I ever do anything too serious. That just sounds horrible. But he's happily in a relationship with some country girl and they have been together for almost 2 years now. Yay for him!

S- well, you've read about S, more in the past few weeks than ever before- well sort of, but hes just been a focus of mine lately. It will probably change, it usually does- but then it pretty much always comes back to him. I need to find a way to spend some time with him. This whole living so far apart is a terrible situation- although at least hes now in the states, and has access to a phone and such, whereas before it was the SUPER infrequent facebook chat, email, etc.
Cheese alert-
I remember telling my roommate freshman year. "You know how people tell you to find that one you cant live without? Well, I dont think it should go like that, because I can live without S, I just dont want to."
And thats the best I've ever been able to really articulate my feelings for him. Because he isnt a major player in my life- at least not now. He's not someone that I cant live without, because I do, thus far. But he is a person that I never want to be strangers with again.

I've never said such powerful words about any other guy that I have ever known. And to me, that tells more of a story than I ever could.

Keeping it relatively short tonight because I am sick as a dog, and I have to work tomorrow- oh great.
Goodnight loves, and dont forget, find that person that you dont want to live without- then tell them so... (something I've yet to do with my person)

sniffling, sneezing, sore throat, coughing, earaches, headache and generally just plain icky

Today I felt like crap.
But I marginally improved when I did some of my homework- wow being productive really is nice.
And I was going to take all the dogs on walks, but then I went "UGH, no thanks" so I didnt, and then paid for it the whole rest of the day.
The dogs are tired of being cooped up in the house all day. Good thing mom will be home tomorrow.
But that means I gotta do lots of house cleaning tomorrow... hopefully I wont feel crappy.
I did also change the litter in 3 of our litter pans... I know of 3 others but we ran out of litter- suppose I'll go buy some more tomorrow so that I can do that chore for mom- she will be pleased.
I need to purge the refrigerator too, and give extra goodies to pigs.
Sweeping should happen as well as dishes and doing the surfaces... hmm... good thing mom doesnt get back til 4... I think.
But I'm slowly dying here, so I think I am going to call it a night- goodnight everyone!

I am reminded

Tonight I am reminded not of the family that we are born with but rather the family that we find for ourselves.
I visited Transy for the first time while classes were in session since graduating and it was different, but at the same time, completely the same.
I have a lot of friends there still, not just fellow students but faculty members, and professors.
I got to talk/see to my T, A, C, and K in the past 2 days and just wow.
This is what a family is... people who you can turn to at any moment, but also those with whom you can share something random and special.
I love it. And finally for the first time I have true friends. Real friends who put up with every piece of me. I feel loved, and I hope that they all know that I love them very much.

I have been convinced that it is those friends that you make in college that will stick with you. And its those friendships that are truly special. I may not have found a serious significant other in college, but thats ok, I found my family. And who needs a significant other when you've got a family like mine?

Also, check out the Blake Shelton song "God gave me you" which pretty much sums up how I feel about my Transy family. :)
Love you all!

It was a dark and stormy night

exactly 2 years ago, September 25,2009. That I last saw my first boyfriend- he came to Lex for a Jason Aldean and Miranda Lambert concert. It poured and possibly stormed. Just like it is pouring and storming here tonight. 

I was supposed to go to that concert with J. But things went down and he ended up working- or so I was told. Next thing I know he has a girlfriend, and their anniversary date is listed as September 25th. (They didnt even last 9 months.)

But to keep this post short, because it is storming and I have several extra bodies in my bed.

Happy what would have been 2 years for you and Gina, J. 

I hope the Kitty relationship goes much better than the Gina one did. 

Sorry readers, my sweet demeanor will return soon. But I had a thorn in my saddle and had to get rid of it. 

Here's to stormy nights!

Presidential ball or redneck wedding?

I am not sure if I have ever shared with you my family history. Let me revise that statement, I am not sure I have ever shared with you my family history from BOTH sides of my family. I think I may have spoken about my moms side of the family and how they fascinate me and inspire me and so on and so forth.
But have I ever really mentioned my dad's side of the family?
Well, they are rednecks. Like, pretty much as redneck as they come- I'm guessing, from stories that I have heard. Plus, I mean how can you NOT be redneck and be from Leitchfield and have twins named Roy and Stoy?
Today while eating at KFC (how fitting right?) we ran into my dads cousins daughters fathers brother... or something like that.
After which my father reminded me just how country, er, redneck his side of the family was. Really, they are car racin, horseback ridin, crotch rocket rollin, fishin, smokin, drinkin and huntin fools who may or may not have finished high school, let alone any college. And my daddy, who I love dearly, fit right in with that crowd in his late teens and early twenties. But then he became a father, and quit everything but the smokin because he had a family to provide for, and he had a rough go of it. I admire my father because of the adversity that he overcame to be the person that he is today.
Here's his life, what I know of it, in a nutshell: He is the youngest of 3, his parents got divorced when he was 13 and his dad's apartment didnt allow kids, his parents got back together a year later, then between his junior and senior year of high school they moved from Louisville to LJ and dad had to finish his last year of high school at a completely new school. In LJ his family had a horse business, my dad had a scholarship to go to ITT tech for some sort of engineering but his father said he couldnt go because of the horse business- aka if he went to college his father would sell the horses, oh, and he had to pay for any college that he wanted. He fell in love with a woman who's stepmother was named juggbutt- I dont know if thats something my dad calls the woman or if its a real name. The woman he fell in love with was kicked out of her house by her abusive father, so my dad and his parents took her in. They got married because hell they were already living together, why not. Then came a baby carriage, some infidelities, another baby carriage, a divorce, her moving back into his place because he didnt want the mother of his children to be living out of her car. This woman wouldnt go down without a fight though, so they took the custody battle all the way to the Supreme Court. Meanwhile my dad is working at a place and rising to become a computer programmer. He wins the Supreme Court battle- first man in KY to win a contested custody battle at the supreme court level. Met my mom, lost his dad, asked for my moms hand and told her to never come between him and his boys. There was a second marriage, and then 3 years and a house expansion later, a baby carriage holding little baby Jessie. Things were good, maybe even great for a while, but then health problems started popping up.
Point of that story is that my dad was a teenage alcoholic, redneck that could have easily not been a contributing member of society to a Senior Systems Analyst. He has always provided for our family and been there for pretty much every major childhood milestone for all 3 of his kids.
My brother told me this spring that he wants to make sure his kids know that he loves them. Implying that he didnt always feel loved by our father. But when I look at my dad, I think how can you not know that he loves us 3 kids without limits, no matter what, and that he would do ANYTHING for us, and has done so much to make sure that my brothers had a decent- as decent as it could be in a split home- childhood.

My mom on the other hand, had parents who were Harvard educated. Her dad fought in World War II, and was a CIA agent. Which means that my mom was born in Paris and grew up between Africa and Washington D.C. she went to the same schools as the Kennedy's and even hung out with one of them while studying abroad in Kenya. She says he was always pretty cordial. Her mother knew Charlie Wilson (think Charlie Wilson's war) was a faculty member at Georgetown College in D.C and was the daughter of a botonist that created the Tangelo and brought the Date Palm from Africa to the United States. College education is not hoped for on my mom's side of the family, it is expected- after all, my mom is a graduate of Brown and my great grandmother who was born in 1888 went to Kansas State.
I am not saying that my mom's life was easy, I am know she has had her share of struggles, I just know less about hers than my dad's because I always focus on the neat places that shes been or the neat stories that she tells.

The moral of my story tonight is that me being where I am, right here, right now, thats pretty special. Things had to line up just right for it to work. Seriously- my dad had rarely traveled before he met my mom and most definitely not out of the country, where as my mom had traveled all her life, living in several different countries. My dad's family is one of the lower middle class while my mom's family ran in the same circles as the elitist class. Who would have ever thought that their worlds would collide, and not only that, but that they would mesh well? Not my grandma, I can tell you that. My father's mother was SO worried that they wouldnt work. My mom has a doctorate degree, my father, never even finished a degree.
On my dads side of the family, as far as I can tell, I was the first one to go away to college. On my mom's, I went to college almost too close to home- Brown was 8 hours away from home and my grandma moved from California to Boston for college.

So, heres to loving someone not based on their background, but based on, well, love! :)

Three hundred sixty five

This post helps me achieve something pretty big. This is my three hundred and sixty fifth post. Therefore, if you started today and read one post a day you would have enough reading material for a full year. OK, so it doesnt really work for this coming year because its a leap year, but still- you get the point.

I started this blog at the end of 2005, which means it has taken me almost 6 years to get to this point. 

December 2005 I was a Junior in high school. I had just broken up with my first (and to this point only) boyfriend. And I started this blog because I wanted to be closer to another guy in my life.
Ok, fast forward to now and I still write a great deal about boys-guys, men, whatever, and I have graduated from college.
Highlights from those six years include basketball, J, I, and various trips.
Here's whats different though:
N. the guy who really got me started in blogging, is basically a non-entity in my life. I have talked to him once this year. And I usually see him about once a year. He hasnt graduated from college yet.
M. the first and only boyfriend had a brief reappearance in my life well, 2 days short of exactly 2 years ago.
And oh yea, I have now slept with J, A, M, D... I think thats all- and no, nothing happened with any of them. We simply shared a bed. (PS- JAMD is kind of a cool mnemonic haha).
And me. Believe it or not- I sometimes deny it, but everyone else tells me its true- I am different.

That makes sense though, right?
People, especially teenagers growing up to 20-somethings are going to change, and I kind of like the term evolve.
My world is bigger, my values- stronger, my family- more appreciated, and my friends- are now my family.
I may currently be stuck job-less. But I am doing everything that I can to make myself a better candidate.
And, I am making time for people in my life- for a long time I didnt do that. I have always been willing to put in the effort to see someone, but I always wanted them to make the first move. Now, now I can ask to see them, and hope to god (the universe?) that they want to see me too.
I often see myself as an awkward person, and while that might be true, the only way to get through that is to work through it. Put myself in more social situations- things will be less awkward. My friend I told me that. (Man that makes things confusing. I am going to start calling him S, that way no one will be confused if I means I-myself or I-him.) Anyway, S told me that. He said "I always dread going to work, class, parties, clubs etc. until I am there, then I just have a good time."
When S and I talked on the phone last week, he gave me a lot of good insights that I have been working on implementing in my life.

So, here's to three hundred sixty five in 6 years... Its been quite the ride, and the journey isnt over yet. 

Mulling it over

So, two posts in one night- arent you lucky?

This one is regarding a one James JRDF.
Last week I heard from him for the first time in a month or two.
We had a somewhat heated discussion- or rather I was very pissed off and told him so but he just took the punches, and said more or less "Thank you may I have another."
I dont know why he wanted me to be so mad at him, why what happened last week happened, but he said 2 things that didnt sit well with me, and they have been lurking in the back of my mind for the past week.
I think I am now ready to address them.

He said "Say what you want, getting madder at me only makes that wall around your heart stronger." and then "You need something to protect yourself from jerks like me."

I am not going to pretend I know what he was trying to do or what he felt or any of that nonsense. It doesnt matter. Ultimately what matters is that we never actually followed through with anything, and this is my story as to why.

When I was in 3rd grade, which was when most people my age were in 2nd grade, I met this boy, Timmy. For a long time I called him my first love, and maybe that term does apply, but I am a little bit wary of it these days. Timmy rode my bus and lived right next to my bus stop, which was .5 miles away from my house. My best friend growing up, Natalie, was like my sister and she lived like across the street from me. Natalie was always the outgoing make friends with everyone type. She and Timmy were instantly buddies, and I was a tagalong, dont get me wrong, at some point we were all good friends. Really, the reason we initially met this kid was because his dog, Nala had some adorable puppies, and what young-school-aged girl wont melt at the sight of puppies?
Time with Nala and the puppies allowed us to develop a  friendship. Eventually Natalie grew older went to high school- she was 5 years older than me, and 1 day short of being 3 years older than Timmy. But even though Natalie was gone, I still hung out with Timmy, his brother Shawn and sister Mandy. His mom, Suzanne was very much like a second mother to me.
But really, I crushed on Timmy. Big time. It was painful- but no I never actually told him this, until 2004, which is a part of the story. Timmy hung the moon. I felt like anything and everything that I did, I did it for him. I loved soccer, had played it for a couple of years, and he finally started playing, I wanted to be on his team. He was a great forward and a great goalie, and I was a good fullback. He in some ways was my best friend, but in others, a complete stranger. My most serious tomboy age came with Timmy. He was a boy, doing boy things, I wanted to spend time with him, so I would do anything he did, just to be close. Though, I was a tomboy in my own right too.
My life revolved around that boy, but that boy didnt really care if I was in his life. Eventually we became teenagers, he was a cool guy in school, and I was homeschooled. Then, when I was in 8th grade, and he in 9th. His family moved to Nelson Co. And yes, I still know their address. They moved away the day that I came home from Costa Rica: Dec. 7, 2002 and I never got to tell them goodbye.
In March of 2003 they came over for a visit. I talked to them a fair amount on the phone, for a while. In April of 2004, I turned 15, Timmy and Shawn came over for my birthday party. It was my favorite birthday. Timmy was nice to me, I had 15 friends show up for the party and we had an Ice cream cake fight. It was great, until my best friend, Matt found Timmy in my barn with my best friend Katie and Timmy's pants were down. Shawn, Timmy's brother went down and confirmed it. Yes, heres where my favorite birthday becomes my least favorite birthday. Devastated, angry and now 15.
I think I always knew that there would never be a Timmy and me as a couple. But when that happened I built walls around my heart so thick its not even funny. No charming guy would break them down, because never again would I love someone the way that I loved Timmy.
Come August of that year, I called Timmy and told him everything- about how I had liked him for 7 or 8 years. He knew, apparently I had told him before. And that was that, but yes I still think about him. I even have a lot of good memories with him.

So, James wants me to have walls around my heart. They are already there, pal. They have been since I was about 10 years old- which was probably the first time that I realized that me and Timmy were just friends, and thats all we would ever be, no matter how much I wanted that to be different. Dont you get it James, it took you 2 years to break down those walls enough to let you even remotely close to me. Kissing was never my issue- if you had gone for a kiss the first night, when I stayed at your apartment, you would have gotten one. After all, I kissed Dylan when he stayed over the first night. No, trust was my issue. I dont trust guys. No one has ever gotten into my heart the way that Timmy did. No one. And it will be a very special person who does. Sure I had a terrible first real kiss, and yes, I was kind of terrified of it for a while- but I knew it couldnt get worse! I can even deal with sleeping in the same bed with guys.
My problem, is and always has been what you wanted me to get. You wanted me to build a wall to protect myself from jerks like you. James, love, I had walls in place long before you came. I dont need to put more walls up, I need to do some remodeling of my heart and take my walls down. I cried over you once. One time, mid-October of last year. Do you know how many times I cried over Timmy? About a dozen, a year, for 8 years. I learned, thanks to Timmy, to a. keep my emotions at bay and b. to not get super involved. I crush on guys easily, yes. But that doesnt mean that I hand them any power. I keep the power, thank you very much. If someone wants my heart, hes going to have to work hard for it- and he'll definitely have to meet the family before he even gets to see what its capable of, not just my mom and dad, but my whole family.
I am not the same person that I was at 15. Hell, I am not the same person I was at 18. I have and always will be able to take care of myself.
The reason I stuck around for 2 years was because I saw a great man in you. You chose not to be that great man, but that doesnt mean that hes not in there somewhere. I wish you all the luck with your new woman. I hope shes everything that you want and/or need. I hope she doesnt break your heart like Gina did.

Pajamas

I got some Life is Good pajamas today. They are wonderful, absolutely amazing I never want to take them off wonderful.

I realized today the ultimate problem that I have with someone with whom I am close and love dearly.
She is too helpful, and its incredibly irritating. But more than that she wants to smooth all edges- shes a people pleaser.
Great, this is what I am going to be like when I'm 80.
Dont get me wrong, I love this woman, really I do. I just have to take her in small doses.
Asking 10 thousand times if things are planned out correctly isnt helpful.
Telling me that you love my company no matter what my disposition, not only is that not helpful thats downright a lie.
Answering a question that isnt directed towards you- after I told you it wasnt directed toward you, that just wants me to duct tape your mouth shut.

I am sorry that I am short with her, but I can only take so much.

In other news,
Rocky Mountain National Park is wonderful. Absolutely gorgeous.
We saw Elk- and heard the bulls bugling.  So cool!
Climbed to an elevation of over 10,000 feet, and got cold feet, literally!

Also, our hike was guided by a nice park ranger named Mike.
This Mike person had the mannerisms, the facial structure and the smile of my Timmy.
Yea, I call him mine, because the Tim that he has become is nothing like the Timmy that I knew and grew up with.
Had my Timmy not moved to a different county, not gotten involved with those that he did, and stayed a friend of mine, I imagine he would have been just like this Mike fellow.
One of my memories of Timmy was that he wanted to be a Zoologist. He loved animals, and especially snakes and Tigers.
Yes, if you must know that is why I have an affinity to tigers myself.
I had a crush on Timmy for 8 years, and I finally let him go August 2004. I called him up, told him I had always had a crush on him and then that was that.
(Was it coincidence that this happened when I visited me? I dont know, but I am beginning to think not so much.)
I would have done anything for Timmy- anything that a 7-15 year old could do.
But then again, I remember very vividly laying down either in the grass or in my bedroom just chatting about piercings. He said that he wanted 11- and then he named where he was getting each piercing.
So, which person did he end up? The zoologist or the pierced guy?
Im sure you probably already know, but yes he is now a bar tender, has a body covered in tattoos and probably has his 11 piercings by now.
I know he could have been better, but I guess thats just a story for a parallel universe.
His old home- where they lived down the road from us, is now vacant.
Much like the piece of my heart that once held him so dear. Its like he has simply up and left- and he did. December 7, 2002 he was up and gone- we were coming home from Costa Rica and there was a Uhaul at their house. I never got to say goodbye to the family that was for several years my second family.

Nose goes

The above title has nothing to do with the post, but it felt appropriate.
My nose has gone. I cannot breathe- ugh. Thank you congestion.

However, this post is all about I.
Haha, I know, I know. I had gotten away from writing about boys lately because J had kind of gone out of my life and I had nothing really to write about - I was finally no longer obsessing about him, or the kiss. Or whatever was going on. And no, J, if you are reading this, that doesnt mean that you succeeded in your mission or whatever. No, I heard something on a tv show, or a song, or something somewhere completely unrelated to you, that sometimes you just gotta "Let it be" and "let it happen" and I had said those words to myself before but never really believed them. This time though they stuck with me. But enough about J. Been there done that,
Next chapter please!

This chapter is chapter I. Now, in an alphabet I comes before J, but in real life, things arent always clean cut as the alphabet. Just sayin.
I. I always says "I'm always alright" whenever I ask him how he's doing. And though, sometimes a little bit annoying, because seriously, how do I start more of a conversation with you always being alright. On the other hand its completely mesmerizing. Maybe thats a bad word, but it at least gets me thinking. Why can't I always be alright? Im so freakin emotional that you can talk to me at 9 am and I am having a great day but talk to me at 12 noon and the world is falling apart.
Why, just why cant I be "always alright"?
I know why... well, maybe.
If I was always alright, then I wouldnt have the conversations that I do with I.
The other day, I was having a rough day, I texted I. (Having I as an initial might get confusing, so I am sorry for those who have to figure it out.) Anyway, I texted him and told him I was having a rough day and could use some friendly conversation.
So, next think I know he called me. Thats right, the guy picked up his phone and instead of texting me back he called me. I was flabbergasted.
But we talked, or rather I did a lot of the talking and he listened to what I needed to get off my chest.
And I didnt want to let it all go at first. I was keeping it in, but he had this gentle way of talking to me that made me want to tell him more. I mean on the one hand I was completely mortified, ok thats too strong of a word, but embarrassed about what had gone down in the past 2 years but on the other hand he was trying to understand the situation and he couldnt completely understand without knowing the whole story.
But he got the story and then he shared a story of his own.
Still, every time that I have any contact with him, I smile. A simple hello text makes me smile.
Its silly, really.
But thats ok, because I think I need more silly in my life.
I have no clue as to if he reads this blog- I know he has the web address for it, or at least did at one point in time, because we once reconnected when I was in Hawaii and he read my Hawaii stories then. (Find those entries in July 2007). ANYWAY, I, if you read this, thank you, I really enjoy your friendship and heres to never going more than 5 years without seeing each other- PS its been 3 and you owe me a visit!

Here's to having the person who always makes you laugh, may he be in my life for many years to come.

Always smiles

There are a lot of things that happened today that I could write about:
J contacted me- I went off on him and he took it like a little puppy being punished for the bad things he did- aka he rolled over.
I had lunch with the elder J and T and then went to the book fair with them. That was a lotta fun. I love spending time with those two- well and the younger J and T too!
And then I had a reunion lunch/shopping adventure with A- who I havent seen in a couple of years.
But I'll just mention those.

What took the cake today: a phone call from I.
I texted him a hello and when I got a response I told him I had a rough morning and I needed some friendly conversation. And he called me. Yea, hes definitely not American. haha. Those guy would normally run away from the emotions and he called me, told me to cry it out if I needed. Which made me laugh. I dont need to cry, the guy isnt worth the tears. We then moved on to random topics of conversation. I laughed, he laughed and all had a good time.

Tonight is a short post, because I am happy. I am not worrying about something thats not happening tonight. I am simply living in the moment, and this moment I am happy.
I makes me happy. It was funny today because he was worried that I might get mad at him- apparently he thought he did some of the things that J does. I told him no, I know that he doesnt have a mean bone in his body.

Hello, happy Jessie, its so nice to see you again! :)
Goodnight loves.

For better or worse.

No, I am not vowing anything to anyone.
This post is about family. And how sometimes you are stuck with them, through the good times and the bad.
I really cant decide whether my brothers got the long end of the stick or the short one.
They say they got the short one, because I got more "toys" and privileges than they did.
But with those toys and privileges, comes dads health.
My dad had a heart attack in 2000. And then he had several episodes of super ventricular tachycardia... aka SUPER fast heartbeat. He has diverticulitis, type 2 diabetes, colitis, kidney stones and countless other body ailments. But these all came, with the exception of his left knee issues and 2 hernias, after the heart attack.
C moved out in 1999. J in 2004.
C has never had to deal with dad coming home from work in the middle of the day sick, had to call an ambulance or really deal with the hospitalizations.
J was there for the heart attack- and thank goodness he was, he was my life raft during that week. But even though he lived at home, he wasnt home much and therefore didnt have to deal with the trips to the hospital and the dealings of dads ailments.
Let me clarify, when I mean they didnt have to deal, I mean that they came, and they were there and we were a big happy family, but when they left, they didnt have to deal with the after effects, mom's worry, or dads enduring pain. They also didnt have to call 911. Between the ages of 15 and 18 I had called 911 3 times.
But for me, its all I've known. My dad isnt the healthiest man alive, and yes he has done some good things- just ask him and he will tell you all about the bypass that HE made for his blocked artery. However, on the other hand, he hasnt really exercised in probably 5 years. His diet is horrible- earlier this summer he was sick, had a high blood sugar so came home and ate a freakin cookie. WHAT THE HELL MAN?!
I love my dad, and I will always drop whatever to make sure that he gets where he needs to go, even if it frustrates me.
Take today, for example. I am supposed to go eat lunch with my niece. I head out, ready to go, and I pass dad as I am leaving, he stops me, says "I need you to take me to the doctor" and goes home. I turn around, call my sister-in-law and take him to the doctor. Its just really an inconvenience, but its now what is expected of me.
My brothers have their families, their lives and so they dont have to be bothered by these things. Where for me its like always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Before I could drive, I went to the hospital with mom and dad, every time, because thats what was expected. I bet there are some hospital stays that my brothers arent even aware of... and I know there are days when dad feels like hes dying but didnt go to the hospital that they arent aware of, but for me every incident has a stamp. No, I no longer remember every hospital stay- though yes, I could at one point rattle them all off.
And earlier this summer, dad had knee surgery. Mom freaked out so much that she couldnt even sit in the waiting room. Do you know how nerve-racking it is to be sitting in an OR waiting room waiting on your father, knowing that he has heart problems, without anyone else there to keep you calm?
I handle it pretty well, I always have, except for once.
Once, the stress got to me, really got to me, and I had a panic attack- or at least thats what the doctor said.
It was January or February 2007, I was in Calculus class. Dad had just had an SVT incident, grandma was going downhill, fast and I was in the middle of my last semester of senior year of high school- taking 2 AP classes. We were talking about limits, it was about the time my mom was going to work, so 8:40-ish. I started feeling sick, but then I heard my heart beat in my ears. It was loud, I couldnt hear the teacher anymore, but then I realized my heart wasnt beating at a normal pace. So I counted. Counted the beats for 15 seconds then multiplied by 4. I was at 140. Was that right? Counted again 146. Deep breath. Count again. 135.  In case you arent aware, normal heart rate is no more than 100 when not exercising. And not only was I not exercising, but I just sitting in Calculus class.
I asked Mrs. Montgomery for the hall pass, said it was an emergency. Went to the office- I was an office aide and they knew me well. Asked Ms. Jana to call my mom. Barely got the numbers out in a manner that she could understand. By this time I was crying. My dad's SVT episodes were 200 beats per minute (bpm) and here I was with a 150 bpm.
I calmed myself down. Mom came and got me, and we got me an appt for the doctor. She said that considering what was going on in my life at the time, that it was completely fine. I didnt have an episode of Super Ventricular Tachycardia, but just plain old Tachycardia.
I guess I am jealous of either the front or the true just dissociation that my brothers can put up. So, dad is sick, ok, let me know what it is and if I need to make a trip to the hospital. I dont get that luxury. I'm there.
I often feel like the glue that holds the communication in my family. I soothe mom when dad has hurt her feelings. I tell dad the feelings that mom has. I soothe mom when dad is sick. I tell my brothers not only of issues but also of important dates- birthday's, anniversaries, things like that. But sometimes I dont want to be the glue. Sometimes I want someone to glue my pieces back together - I know, though, that it wont be anyone in my family, because they are all busy with their own things. I am the glue because I am the youngest, and the one with out any other attachments- aka a significant other/kids, nor, at this point do I have a job.
There has been 1 time when I chose something over a hospital stay that dad had. It was The Saturday after Thanksgiving and mom, grandma and I were headed to Cincinnati to a Transy basketball game. Dad called us, he was having a heart issue. Mom and grandma took my car and went home. I called one of the coaches to make sure I could catch the bus, and then rode home with the team. It didnt really shock my family, but I know it shocked the coaches. I could see it on their face "What do you mean you arent going home to see your dad in the hospital, especially since you are crying." Followed with the horror that they had a female crying on their hands! haha.

Anyway, I dont mean to sound ungrateful of my role in the family, I guess I just feel a little overburdened today. I had to cancel on a 7 year old. Less than 1 hour before we were supposed to go to the book fair. I just felt like I had crushed her heart. I crushed my heart, and dad was so preoccupied with his health that when he asked where I was going he almost immediately tuned out my answer. Luckily, I called Taylor's teacher and she is letting me reschedule for tomorrow.

I dont know what I am toasting to tonight, family- yes, but also the release of family, somewhat, in other words, the moving on and out of your parents house- because there just comes a time when for everyones sake, you gotta move on. I am not there yet- I dont have a job. But, i am getting there. And I just hope that my parents, especially my dad, can handle the transition- when it comes.

Soccer Aunts and Racing Hearts

It took going to college and graduating but I am finally becoming a part of my nieces and nephews lives... and not just a random side show. I am getting to spend real, quality time with them, and its wonderful.

I joke that I am becoming a soccer mom, without the children. I have girl scouts, random days with my nephew, lunch dates with my nieces and basketball season coming up. 

I feel like I am finally in a spot where I can start to fulfill the role that I always wanted.

I want to be the aunt that they turn to... and at the moment since I have no kids, I am the cool aunt. The one that everyone can run to when something happens, because no one will really get in trouble. haha.
I love it, I revel in it, and I hope that it continues for years to come.
The funny/sad/cute thing is that I have been imagining a time when I get my own place. And it will most definitely have to be more than one bedroom, maybe even more than 2 bedrooms, not just because I hope that my first home will be my home for a long time, but also because I want my nieces and nephews to have their own room. One room for the 4 of them, although I think that having all 4 of them at one time probably will never happen, I want them to have a place where they feel safe, other than just at home.
I dont have kids of my own and it may be several years until I do, but until then the 2 J's and 2 T's are my life. And I love every second of it!

In other news I got a lovely text today from I. I dont know if I've ever mentioned how much I love talking to him, how he makes me smile - every single time I talk to him, or that I hate the fact that he is over 500 miles away. Spontaneous Jessie would go to DC to visit with him, but Regular Jessie is terrified. I really have absolutely no way of knowing if he likes me as much as I like him. He lives with his grandma and sister and I dont exactly know how a visit would go over. And also, really, I'm terrified of going alone, because what if its a  disaster? Then I am all alone. Eek! But on the other hand I desperately want to do some traveling by myself. Its like I am in a catch-22. But mostly what keeps me from even bringing up the idea is the fact that I dont have a job, and thus no money and thus the whole travel idea is kind of a moot point. Perhaps I will revisit the situation when I get a job.  :)
Yea, thats number like 23 on the list of things to do when I get a job. Haha.

Anyway, heres to being the cool aunt, and dreaming of a chance with I. 

Smiling on me

I have spent the majority of the day thinking about my grandma.
Just in case you are unaware she passed 4 years ago on this day.
And I have also tried to come up with a way of phrasing my yearly memorial of/to her.
But I just cant figure out how to say what I want to say in a super coherent way, so bear with me as my fingers just punch out whatever I think.
I felt her smiling down on me today. I felt that though I feel as if I am in a dead spot in my life, shes watching me and shes proud of me. She often told me that she was proud of me before she died, but I didnt really feel like that could be possible, until she died. Then I knew that she was proud of me. I was and still am a good egg. I had graduated from high school (and now college) and I was never in any trouble.

But really the things that I have remembered most today are the people who became my family when she passed. On Sept 12, 2007 I lost the matriarch of my dad's family. The glue that really held us together, but her health had seriously declined in the year the preceded her death- so really, it was a blessing that it happened when it did. One fact that has always comforted me is that she got to see all of her grandkids hit the milestone of age 18. And she wont ever meet my kids, but I can definitely tell them about her. She was funny, kind, and very protective of me- especially when she felt my brothers were tormenting me too much.

Anyway, just like most people who were alive will never forget where they were on 9/11, I will also never forget the situation surrounding her death. I was 1 week into college, it was a Wednesday night. My mom had called me around 3 or 4 to tell me that while she had really declined before I left for school things were looking worse. Right around the time that I went to Lexington she got moved from the nursing home to the hospital. So with that phone call my mom prepared me for what might be happening. Then, right around 6pm my mom called again. I was in the cafeteria, at one of the long tables that ran parallel to the salad bar- over under the glass windows. The one where the Tri Delta's generally sit- or rather thats who I think sits at that table. Anyway, we were done with dinner and just chatting. I was there with Erika, Calli, Megan, Katrina, and maybe a few others, I dont exactly remember. I do know, however that when I told them, they all rallied around me. I remember they came back to my room with me and just sat, as I absorbed the news. I dont know if we talked much, or what really happened the rest of that night, but they were there for me, no questions asked. And I had only known these people for 10 days. Thursday I had my first real chem lab, I dropped a beaker- and then I told Dr. Seebach what had happened. He was an incredible source of comfort- which seems maybe a bit odd if you know Dr. S. And I left Transy that Thurs. for the weekend.
I talked to my roommate either on fb or by texting or maybe a phone call, and she told me that there was something on our door but she wouldnt tell me what. Once I got back to campus I found streamers, posters and a card showing support for me during this time.

But the story doesnt end there- no, in my first 6 months of college I lost 6 family members/ friends. It wasnt exactly the most fun transition in my life, but I realized that these new people in my life were going to be with me for a long time to come. So as I finish this post I want to say thanks to my Transy family, who really stuck with me when the going was tough for me- because we had literally just met, yet everyone was there for me, every time I had to deal with a death. The kind of funny thing is that I hadnt lost anyone I was close to before going to Transy, and in the past 4 years I have lost 10 or 11. I love you all, and I am so very grateful.

Mixed Feelings

I dont think there is a single person in the US who isnt aware of the date.
Or one who isnt remembering- well, maybe the younger children.
But for me, today is a day of mixed emotions.
What happened was devastating. It was meant to send a message, and we got it, loud and clear.
However, I have a really hard time pulling apart my sadness for those lost in the tragedy and the frustration in what has happened in the last 10 years.
It frustrates me to no end that we went to Iraq.
And I think the building that they are building in its place is a bit much.
(Above comments were written before 12 noon)

As the day has worn on, I have been able to sift through emotions and reactions and I know now what I was trying to say earlier.
The almost 3000 deaths that happened on 9/11 were a tragedy, absolutely. The family and friends that had their loved ones ripped from them are definitely in my thoughts.
But there were around 10,000 people who successfully evacuated from the Twin Towers before they collapsed. I think we should celebrate those lives a little bit more. Those are the people who lived through the horrors. I've been watching 9/11 specials all day and not once was I told the number of survivors, but I heard their stories. These people are haunted by what they lived through. Friends didnt make it, or they were spared in the blast when everyone who was with them was killed.
I salute those who survived. They may look like ordinary people, but they have extraordinary stories.

And while I dont discount that the story of 9/11 is an important one. I feel that perhaps as Americans, we blow it up, far too much. Yes, it was a bad thing. Yes, it changed our lives, whether directly or indirectly. But there are far worse things that happen far more often around the world.
For example:
2004 Tsunami that happened between Christmas and the New Year - death toll of 230,000
2010 Haiti earthquake 46000-316000 casualties
Various terrorist attacks in India- tens of thousands dead. (Attacks that I've never heard of)
Darfur genocide- over 300,000 casualties, and far more displaced
Israeli-Palestine conflict has claimed over 14,000 lives


And ok, so none of those are a single terrorist attack, but rather natural disasters or a series of attacks. In fact, if looking at a list of specific terrorist attacks, the 9/11 attacks are the most deadly. But lets look at the flip side of the situation- how many Iraqi's have we killed? Over 100,000. And why are we killing Iraqi's if Osama bin Laden was based in Afghanistan?

Another fun fact- we have lost 6300 American troops in the war since 2003. 1750 of them were in Afghanistan. If we just stayed in Afghanistan, think of the better job we could have done there, as well as the smaller death toll.

Im not saying that I dont respect what today means for the citizens of the United States, I am just saying, if we are going to give it this much attention we should give other live changing events the same amount of attention.

Here's to recognizing that everyone in this world has their own daily struggle, and that perhaps as a society we could help others with their issues as they helped us. No, they didnt stay with us in Iraq, but they did support our war on terrorism, in Afghanistan.

Happy Cariversary

Today I celebrate my secI ond anniversary with my car- my second longest relationship. I had my first car for 4 years and about 2 weeks.
Anyway, I remember the day of buying my car very vividly. I had sold the other car in August- early August, and it was cash for clunkers time, so really, buying a car without a trade in was not going so well. But I found a great car- a 2007 Blue Toyota Rav4... the only thing different from car 1 to car 2 was 7 model years and approximately 80,000 miles. So we began the transfer- it was in Florida.
I remember the nice Carmax person, Andrew who helped us get the car to KY, and then since I had moved back to Lex for school, he picked me up and took me to Lou so that I could get the car... I still had the choice to not get the car, but how was I going to get back to Lex if I didnt get the car?
Anyway, I loved the car, and we bought it.
Lots of number-y things going on there too... It was 09-09-09. A Wednesday (9 letters) in September (9 letters) we signed the paperwork in room 27 (2+7=9)... Yea... All kinds  of wonderful nines.
So we signed the paperwork, signed the checks and there I was, I had a new car. Whoa man.
But by this time it was like 5 or 6 pm, and I needed to get back to Lex. I think I may have driven home simply to show my mom my new car and pick up some things that I had left at home.
It turned out to be a great day... the car is a wonderful car, and I have put about 25,000 miles on him, his name is Troy- I've been told that cars are females... but mine is a male.
The most interesting thing of the day, as I remember it, was that I rode with a complete stranger from Lexington to Louisville. Yea, that was weird.

Keeping this post short- I have class tomorrow :(
And while this anniversary is a happy one- I warn you, I have a few more anniversaries coming up- and they arent so happy.
In fact, this coming week will be an extremely hard week.

Planning ahead- so that you can skip reading or read at your own risk or whatever. I imagine I will write about nine-eleven.
Then, Monday is the 4th anniversary of the passing of my Grandma.

The beginning of the end.

My high school diploma has this nice little sticker on it that says "Business Seal"

Which means, basically that I completed the equivalent of a business major in my high school classes. I enjoyed them all, and did well in them all. In fact, my senior year of high school was literally half business classes and half AP classes. 

And yet, when I graduated high school I thought that was the end of my business days. 

Fact: I was convinced that there was no future in business or accounting. 

Fact: I didnt take accounting 2 in high school because I thought it was useless and that I wouldnt be able to use it later in life. 

Fact: It wasnt until the summer after my freshman year of college that I cracked the business world, that I realized that you can go anywhere with a business or accounting degree- in fact you can go ANYWHERE with  an accounting degree. 

So I started Transy as a Biology major. I didnt know what I wanted to be, so I was going to be a vet. And I wouldnt change my Transy experience at all. I think I did exactly what was needed. But then over the summer after my freshman year I applied for an became a banquet server at the Hyatt. And I realized that business was not a bad future. So, upon returning to Transy, I enrolled in an accounting class. That was the beginning of the end for me. Principles 1, and I was hooked, I loved it, really. I asked the professor - who would later become my adviser about being a business major with a focus in accounting. He said I couldnt be a business major, that I had to be an accounting major, and I listened to him. My first A in college was in that first accounting class, and I graduated with an A+, A or A- in every accounting class that I took. That, my friends is how I knew I was in the right place, that and I enjoyed my homework. 

Accounting is my calling, yes, my passion. But that doesnt mean that it will rule my entire life, all the time. No, I think of myself as very much the epitome of a liberal arts student. I majored in accounting, but I almost had a biology and a philosophy minor and I took 3 religion classes. Then, my second semester of senior year I signed up for a Political Science class, what the hell, ya know? I personally thought that the general education requirements were great, because they all took me outside of my comfort zone, and now I strive to challenge my comfort zone. 

Heres to doing things that you never saw a future in, and learning how to excel outside of your comfort zone. 

The Angel, the Saint and the Pope walk into a bar...

I can see that being either a very good or very bad joke.
But alas, I'm just gonna focus on the Angel.
The Angel, my first crush as a freshman at TU.
He sat beside me in Chemistry and yet I could barely say two words to the kid. In fact, I am pretty sure our first actual conversation didnt happen until towards the end of our first semester of Senior year.
Yea, thats right, I admired this kid from afar- like I do so many, of course, in a non-creepy way. I mean it simply in that I never really talked to the guy.
Anyway. I had a crush on this guy for pretty much all of freshman year. Then sophomore year I dropped my bio major, and thus saw him less- he was still a bio major. I saw him around, but didnt have many classes with him. Then, come to find out hes going to double or triple major- whatever- and suddenly I have classes with him again. Talk about throwing me for a loop- what the heck, man? But then we have the occasional shared joke, or make eye contact and totally understand what the other is thinking. And then, second semester senior year, we have conversations. Actual conversations. What. The. Hell. And we joke around. He makes fun of me, I make fun of him- less successfully, because although I can now talk to him, I still get SUPER red. lol.
The whole time this is happening I am laughing at myself because freshman year he was with his girlfriend from high school. And then when I didnt have classes with him he was a single man, and once we had classes together again, he had a girlfriend. Haha, universe, very funny. Thanks.

Anyway, this is me, reminiscing about TU because I am not moving back and starting classes tomorrow.
That chapter of my book has come to an end, and I find it very sad.
Thus, be prepared to find random TU memories posted here...
In fact, I might try to specifically write about TU here for the next month or so...
If there's something you want me to write about, let me know! :)