For better or worse.

No, I am not vowing anything to anyone.
This post is about family. And how sometimes you are stuck with them, through the good times and the bad.
I really cant decide whether my brothers got the long end of the stick or the short one.
They say they got the short one, because I got more "toys" and privileges than they did.
But with those toys and privileges, comes dads health.
My dad had a heart attack in 2000. And then he had several episodes of super ventricular tachycardia... aka SUPER fast heartbeat. He has diverticulitis, type 2 diabetes, colitis, kidney stones and countless other body ailments. But these all came, with the exception of his left knee issues and 2 hernias, after the heart attack.
C moved out in 1999. J in 2004.
C has never had to deal with dad coming home from work in the middle of the day sick, had to call an ambulance or really deal with the hospitalizations.
J was there for the heart attack- and thank goodness he was, he was my life raft during that week. But even though he lived at home, he wasnt home much and therefore didnt have to deal with the trips to the hospital and the dealings of dads ailments.
Let me clarify, when I mean they didnt have to deal, I mean that they came, and they were there and we were a big happy family, but when they left, they didnt have to deal with the after effects, mom's worry, or dads enduring pain. They also didnt have to call 911. Between the ages of 15 and 18 I had called 911 3 times.
But for me, its all I've known. My dad isnt the healthiest man alive, and yes he has done some good things- just ask him and he will tell you all about the bypass that HE made for his blocked artery. However, on the other hand, he hasnt really exercised in probably 5 years. His diet is horrible- earlier this summer he was sick, had a high blood sugar so came home and ate a freakin cookie. WHAT THE HELL MAN?!
I love my dad, and I will always drop whatever to make sure that he gets where he needs to go, even if it frustrates me.
Take today, for example. I am supposed to go eat lunch with my niece. I head out, ready to go, and I pass dad as I am leaving, he stops me, says "I need you to take me to the doctor" and goes home. I turn around, call my sister-in-law and take him to the doctor. Its just really an inconvenience, but its now what is expected of me.
My brothers have their families, their lives and so they dont have to be bothered by these things. Where for me its like always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Before I could drive, I went to the hospital with mom and dad, every time, because thats what was expected. I bet there are some hospital stays that my brothers arent even aware of... and I know there are days when dad feels like hes dying but didnt go to the hospital that they arent aware of, but for me every incident has a stamp. No, I no longer remember every hospital stay- though yes, I could at one point rattle them all off.
And earlier this summer, dad had knee surgery. Mom freaked out so much that she couldnt even sit in the waiting room. Do you know how nerve-racking it is to be sitting in an OR waiting room waiting on your father, knowing that he has heart problems, without anyone else there to keep you calm?
I handle it pretty well, I always have, except for once.
Once, the stress got to me, really got to me, and I had a panic attack- or at least thats what the doctor said.
It was January or February 2007, I was in Calculus class. Dad had just had an SVT incident, grandma was going downhill, fast and I was in the middle of my last semester of senior year of high school- taking 2 AP classes. We were talking about limits, it was about the time my mom was going to work, so 8:40-ish. I started feeling sick, but then I heard my heart beat in my ears. It was loud, I couldnt hear the teacher anymore, but then I realized my heart wasnt beating at a normal pace. So I counted. Counted the beats for 15 seconds then multiplied by 4. I was at 140. Was that right? Counted again 146. Deep breath. Count again. 135.  In case you arent aware, normal heart rate is no more than 100 when not exercising. And not only was I not exercising, but I just sitting in Calculus class.
I asked Mrs. Montgomery for the hall pass, said it was an emergency. Went to the office- I was an office aide and they knew me well. Asked Ms. Jana to call my mom. Barely got the numbers out in a manner that she could understand. By this time I was crying. My dad's SVT episodes were 200 beats per minute (bpm) and here I was with a 150 bpm.
I calmed myself down. Mom came and got me, and we got me an appt for the doctor. She said that considering what was going on in my life at the time, that it was completely fine. I didnt have an episode of Super Ventricular Tachycardia, but just plain old Tachycardia.
I guess I am jealous of either the front or the true just dissociation that my brothers can put up. So, dad is sick, ok, let me know what it is and if I need to make a trip to the hospital. I dont get that luxury. I'm there.
I often feel like the glue that holds the communication in my family. I soothe mom when dad has hurt her feelings. I tell dad the feelings that mom has. I soothe mom when dad is sick. I tell my brothers not only of issues but also of important dates- birthday's, anniversaries, things like that. But sometimes I dont want to be the glue. Sometimes I want someone to glue my pieces back together - I know, though, that it wont be anyone in my family, because they are all busy with their own things. I am the glue because I am the youngest, and the one with out any other attachments- aka a significant other/kids, nor, at this point do I have a job.
There has been 1 time when I chose something over a hospital stay that dad had. It was The Saturday after Thanksgiving and mom, grandma and I were headed to Cincinnati to a Transy basketball game. Dad called us, he was having a heart issue. Mom and grandma took my car and went home. I called one of the coaches to make sure I could catch the bus, and then rode home with the team. It didnt really shock my family, but I know it shocked the coaches. I could see it on their face "What do you mean you arent going home to see your dad in the hospital, especially since you are crying." Followed with the horror that they had a female crying on their hands! haha.

Anyway, I dont mean to sound ungrateful of my role in the family, I guess I just feel a little overburdened today. I had to cancel on a 7 year old. Less than 1 hour before we were supposed to go to the book fair. I just felt like I had crushed her heart. I crushed my heart, and dad was so preoccupied with his health that when he asked where I was going he almost immediately tuned out my answer. Luckily, I called Taylor's teacher and she is letting me reschedule for tomorrow.

I dont know what I am toasting to tonight, family- yes, but also the release of family, somewhat, in other words, the moving on and out of your parents house- because there just comes a time when for everyones sake, you gotta move on. I am not there yet- I dont have a job. But, i am getting there. And I just hope that my parents, especially my dad, can handle the transition- when it comes.