Seriously?

Ive spent the whole week being emotional. And then I spent the weekend being physically sick.
Not how I saw my week going when it started.
Nonetheless that is what happened.
I stayed in denial.
Then I did the whole sad depressed thing.
And no Im kind of moving on to anger.
I realize that I told G I didnt want to be dating, but damn it I did not mean that I wanted him out of my life.
And hes freakin ignoring me.
Really dude?
We spent 3 months building a friendship, less than 2 weeks of actual dating- we were never even facebook official and now you wont talk to me? What the hell?
Also, if you were really fond of me, you would want to still be in my life- be my friend, because I just needed to take a step back. I need you as my friend- really.
I would tell you all this, but I am TRYING to give you space. I know, I suck at giving you space, but Im stuck between giving you space and making sure that you know I still care.
I know its not easy to "go back to what we had" but I am hoping we can at least open a line of communication and talk again, see where/how that goes.
I hope you are still reading this blog.
And to everyone else having to read my angst... I am sorry. lol.

Ruined

I dont like having regrets but I would really like to go back to Wednesday and change what went down.
I reacted out of fear.
I realized it yesterday on my way to Lexington.
I have a fear of relationships- or rather kissing.
People kiss me and crap just goes downhill from there- its happened every time.
It sucks.
And I dont know if its MY reaction or the situations.
But I freak out.

I dont know if G will read this- not going to lie- I hope he does, because hes not answering me anymore. I get it. I dont deserve his answers. But I miss talking to him. In the last week I have lost 2 people who, between them I spent roughly 6 hours a day with.
Not feeling great, obviously.

I am emotionally and physically fucked up right now. Literally spilled my guts this morning. Not in a happy place.
I feel like I am wading my way through mud. The deep kind- mud up to my mid thighs.

UGH.

Goodnight.

Fall days

Cooler weather colored leaves and all that jazz.
But big major life decision time for me. Time to go back to school. To totally change my life. Why you ask? Because I dont want to sit at a desk crunching numbers for the rest of my life. I want to change lives, I want to heal things and I want to be a vet.

Remember that guy I wrote about, the one I referred to as G? Ok, so I talked to him on facebook, imessage and texting for about 3 months and then finally thanks to reading this blog he decides that hanging out could be a good thing. We have 3 dates in 3 days. Then over the next week and a half another 2 dates. This guy in so many ways is perfect- you think I'm kidding but every piece of his personality is everything that I've ever wanted in a guy that I may be dating. Hes considerate, supportive, and yet gives me space. And yet last night I "broke up" with him, I use the quotes because we were never official about anything, it was some pretty casual dating. So I just talked about how perfect he was and then about how I broke up with him- I know, that doesnt seem right does it? So to answer your unasked question, I dont really know what went wrong. But it was definitely something in me. Let me try to explain. First guy that I've actually dated- if you read anything about J you know we never really dated- and within 2 weeks I "give up"? I think I had expectations and I didnt live up to them. HE DID. HE was perfect, HE was amazing, HE gave me space when I pulled away. I was the jerk. I was the idiot. And you might think, if Im beating myself up so much, why did I say "Adios"? Because at this moment in my life it didnt feel right- I didnt feel right. And while I feel like that happened was right, I still feel like a big ol' asshole. Worlds biggest jerk, right here. I know we didnt date that long but he treated me so well and then I went and caused him pain. Im a people PLEASER not a people PAIN CAUSER. Ugh. So G, if you are still reading this- you were awesome, amazing, sweet, funny, caring and I could go on and on, but that might not be the best idea. And since I've done everything so cliche up to this point, Ill continue on that path: I really do hope that we can still be friends and hang out and go to the movies and go bowling and all that jazz, because I dont want you out of my life, I just am not in a place to be dating right now. Ugh- that sounds so fake- but I promise its not!

In other news, my twinkie, my soulmate, my Sdot went to France on Tuesday, and I've been downright lost without her. Its crazy, Im literally sitting here crying because she sent me a message tonight and I havent gotten to really talk to her all that much since she left. I mean I know shes off doing something awesome and shes going to have a great adventure but I miss her SOO much. We literally saw each other very nearly every day for the last 3 months and now shes gone for 7 months.
I want to post this, but I'll write more about sdot being gone later- hopefully before the weekend is up.
Missing my friend, G too.
Sigh

Happy Girl

That is all.

Another year in the books.

So, if you are a new reader, or an old one, you will notice that every year I post something on the anniversary of my grandmas death. Weird, maybe, but it is a day that I consciously reflect on the past year and write about it. See, its not near a holiday so there isnt any pressure. Its my day to think about the things that I deem important and theres something liberating about that.

Today seems somewhat different. Maybe its because its the 5 year anniversary of her death? Or maybe Im just getting older and the day is less of a knife wound and more of a bruise. That being said, I miss my grandma very much, she was an amazing woman. Every year I think about how I am living out her legacy, and whether or not she would be proud of me. A "what did I do this year that makes me worthy of praise" kind of reflection.
Ok, so I know that living ones life so that some dead person will be proud of them is just weird and sometimes counter productive. But I dont live just so she will be proud of me, I live a life that I hope she would enjoy, I want to live a life where I could tell my grandma every detail- ok, so that might be odd, but I guess the bottom line is that I want a life that isnt scandalous. Hah.

This year's anniversary is particularly hard but I think that she would enjoy my story, my journey, and for that, I look forward to what the next year holds.

Ways of Change, Change of Ways

High school - yep, high school- it was tolerable for me, nothing special. I played soccer, or started the season playing soccer my freshman year- that didnt last, but sophomore year I did play the whole season. I went to football games and basketball games. I made good grades, but I was always just ready to leave, move on. My popularity wasnt going to peak in high school, and I knew it.
I left high school figuring that I wouldnt ever really look back... and yet, Im looking back. There are things that I didnt really pay attention to that I am kind of seeing in a new light. No, I'm not going back and reliving the whole experience, but I am getting glances into moments that just make me pause for a moment.

Obviously, I've been talking to someone I knew in high school- albeit I didnt know them that well, but it has been so much fun. Sleep has become something that I push back... midnight on work nights, and even later on weekends- why sleep when I can be laughing my butt off at something ridiculous?!

And to add to the blast from the past there is a person - s dot- who I've known for something like 15 years- wow, I dont think I realized I had known her that long but just the past couple of months we've become really close. Its funny really how our friendship evolved. We met in girl scouts, and really didnt have much to do with one another other than the fact that our parents were co-leaders. Then scouts was over and eh, we just werent really friends. Later, she was looking at colleges and came to visit me at Transy and we got along pretty well. She didnt go to Transy, but we saw each other a couple of times over the years and then we made plans like movies. But this summer, and I cant even remember when - crazy, right?!- but we decided to workout together and we've talked every day and seen each other almost every day. Its kind of really nice to have a good friend that is close and who I can see almost every day. And we really are working out- exercising, ya know? Zumba, and walking. I love it, who woulda thought.

There was a song that we sang in girl scouts "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Its cheesy, sure, but I am learning just how important it is to have the older friends in one's life. Maybe you share a lot of experiences with them and they will know about the infamous Timmy, or maybe you didnt know them that well before, but you are getting to know them better now. Its all a great journey. But then there are the people in my life from Transy- the "new" people, and they are just as important. They are witness to my Transy experience in a way that no one else will be.

At the end of the day its not about who I was, but who I am. Every little moment has shaped me, some more than others but each moment is like a cell and when they all come together you have me, this person. There are flaws- or mutations, if you will. But because of them I am uniquely me- something that no one else can be and for that, I am blessed.

I hope that you all feel just as blessed, grateful, amazing and unique!