Panic

I dont know why I panicked and I have learned a lot about myself thanks to said panic.
But damn it, this was a good one. One that treats me right.
I hope there is a way to move forward.
G is the one that I think about- all the freakin time.
I desperately want to talk to him all the time- when I wake up, before I go to bed.
Hell there are nights when I just want him to be near me.
Maybe we will get to that point again. Maybe not. Only time will tell.

He hasnt run from me yet- maybe there is still the chance.

Stepping back

I have 2 things to write about and I dont want to forget them:
Cervical Cancer
Stepping back to see things from a different perspective.

What you need to know:
Happy girl once again.

I will give you details soon.

Goodnight!

Short, sweet and to the point.

One of the things that I miss most from G is random 3 am messages. They were never really long, usually just a sentence, but they always made me smile.

"Why did you take the crush posts down?"
"I've grown quite fond of you, woman."

I realize I may never get any again, but that doesnt mean I dont miss them. :)

That is all.

Goodnight, ya'll.

All or nothing?

Why is it that when we are friends I can't get you to make plans with me but when we were dating you wanted to hang out almost every day that you were off?
Isn't there a happy medium anywhere?

I saw goodbye in her eyes, girl, let me love you

The first part of the title of this post is a Zac Brown Band song and the second part is a Ne-yo song.
Two different worlds right?

I dont know where I am, or where I am going anymore. I take it a day at a time but thats not what I want to do. I want to look forward to the future, I want to have goals dreams and happiness. But we arent there, not yet.

I am in a place I've never been before, what happens when you realize that 1. you really messed up and 2. you messed with someone else's emotions- unintentionally. Let me explain. So G and I talked for 3 months, then started hanging out which we kind of also called dating, then we kissed, I panicked, called the dating off, but realized that I didnt want him out of my life and we are building back to friends. Yea- most of that happened in the last 3 weeks (but who's counting?) Last weekend I was mad at him because he wouldnt talk to me even thought we had already said we were gonna go back to being friends. This weekend I am mad at myself because I feel like an ass trying to get back to being friends so soon after "breaking up" because what if there were some things that he needed to work through... but I wasnt sensitive enough to let him do that. Stupid, needy, regretful me.
I drank 2 bottles of wine to get rid of that week, he drank 3. Maybe now I'm reading too much into it, but am I the reason that he had to drink 3 bottles of wine? Did I really mean that much to him- was he really that fond of me?
And then somewhat unrelated: how the hell do I go back to being friends- I pretty much told him everything, am I allowed to still do that? How do I get him to start a conversation, I dont want to be the one to drag info out of him, thats not cool. I want to be friends again- hang out, see where life goes but not have any expectations, not of each other and not of myself. Because I suck at reacting the way that I expect myself to react. Way to be a failure, Jess.
And on that note, someone told me yesterday that I am an inspiring person? What the hell? How am I inspiring? But I guess the answer is that I believe that everyone should chase their dreams- especially young people such as myself. It doesnt matter if the dreams is big or little, totally out there or completely plausible, you should chase it to the best of your ability, so that you dont have any "what-ifs".

Then this afternoon I went walking, by myself. I dont like walking by myself anymore. I miss walking with my friend, my twinkie. Walking by myself is too quiet. But on the other hand I was able to do some reflecting and this is what I realized today: the week of September 23rd sucked. I lost my twinkie to France and then I pushed away G. It was just a bad week. But this is what I realized: unlike most of my life, I was unable to separate those two pieces of my life. Usually I can take every part of my life and separate it out into different boxes in my head, but because there was so much going on, my mental separation was not working. It sucked, and I panicked. Jessie needs to not be so panicky. Jessie just needed to take a deep breath and go more with the flow and less with the rash decisions.
Next time, if there is one, will be better.
Next time I'll focus.

My, what a difference a week makes...

Last Wednesday I basically killed a non-relationship-relationship. I say it that way because we were technically dating BUT we never made it FB official or anything. Anyway, so I kind of jumped the gun last week, panicked, you know, all that fun crazy white girl stuff.
And then, understandably, the "lets be friends" comment wasnt working and G wasnt really talking to me.
But yesterday we had a little conversation.
And today my world was righted because we talked for a couple of hours. I loved it, it was wonderful, amazing and made me so very happy. Like you dont even know.
Silly, yes.
Crazy? A little.
But its me.
And G, well, I am a little surprised that he is still willing to talk to me, but Im really happy about it at the same time.

My angst is over, arent you glad?!
My self-improvement, however, has just begun! :)