Eight Years

I started this blog in December 2005 that was eight years ago, EIGHT!
Wow.
In that time I've graduated high school, dealt with death in a completely new way, gone away to college, gone out of the country on my own, graduated college, worked for a whole year like a normal person with an 8-5 job, gone back to school and applied to veterinary school.
Also in that time I've watched 2 nieces grow older and 3 nephews be born and grow.
I've gone from being a teenager to being officially in my mid-twenties.
Thirty is looming ever closer mostly because I will be looking it right in the eye if I manage to get into and through vet school.
But while I know I have changed in the last 8 years, its only been this past 1 year that I feel more changed than ever before.
I still have a lot left to experience but last year I was still kind of stuck and angsty and worried about relationships. Kind of like, I have to have a romantic relationship to save face in the world. I need to be coupled off with a person for X amount of time for it to be worthy and then maybe I will be happy. Thats where I was last year.
Thats not where I am this year.
This year I am decidedly less angsty. My life is happy, though I could stand to move out of my parents house- I dont push it because I know it will happen, eventually. I have friends getting engaged and married left and right and I am genuinely happy. Like whoa- who knew that I would be excited to go to so many weddings? And I even look forward to them believing that there won't be someone on my arm. I am me, I am actually a pretty cool, though oftentimes boring person and I am ok with who I am. Really. For like the first time I am happy being me. Just me. Period.
I am not looking for that relationship to define myself as a normal person- lets just go with the fact that I am not normal in that respect though incredibly, totally normal in other respects.
I am better at depending on myself for support- I dont always like it and there are times when all I want in this world is a hug, but I get through it.
And while I might be in a holding pattern right now as far as where my life is going. I will know definitively my moves for at least the next year in approximately 106 days.
Times are a changing, people. Hold on!

Reduced

Her ankle is broken. Her state relatively fragile.
Now she is safely recuperating from surgery in the hospital and we are all home safe.
Time for me to cry myself to sleep.
Fear for what could have been.
Fear because the hospital she's at is the hospital I last visited when my other grandma fell.
Fear because Grandma Carnes died at 85, Grandma Albert is now 85.
Fear of the unknown.
But relief that she's fixed.

My ideal

In avoiding some homework, I turn to my blog- as is my habit.
Its when I should be thinking about things such as anthrax that I decide to think about my legacy- so to speak.
I think of where I'm going and where I've come from.
Its the holiday season and they are always hard because I desperately miss my grandma- she was a feisty woman and she loved all of her progeny so much that I miss her so much during family times. I think of how she got to see all of her grandchildren turn 18. And something that is more special to me specifically- she got to see me go away to college- whether or not she was actually "there" to see it, as in mentally, is not something that I think about- I like to think she was. But I also think of the things shes missing- theres a whole nother (my spell check says nother isnt a word, does that mean its slang?) generation that shes missing, thats missing her. I have 5 nieces and nephews, 2 of which never met her and the others probably barely remember.
But as such, I am her legacy- at least partially. And I think of that randomly. I am at least part of who I am because of her. I make Red Baron single pizzas and the smell takes me back to her babysitting my brothers and myself. I see Barq's root beer and I think of her, she ALWAYS stocked her fridge with the sodas that we liked- Barq's especially. She had Breyer's frozen yogurt- because it was better for you and Breyer's regular yogurt. I can't even tell you the hours that we sat in her living room floor and played card games- yes, even after she turned 80. She was special, so special. And I was her favorite because I was the baby of her baby.
So I think about my legacy - I know its a little strange, I am only 24 years old and I don't have children, but I will leave a legacy. My nieces and nephews at this point are my legacy- at least to a certain extent. I hope that I have touched their world in a way that no one else has. I hope that I have been able to show them something that they wouldn't have learned from their parents. I hope they know how much I love them and how much, in some ways I live to make them proud, sort of? Let me think that through.
I've quit a job where I could have moved up and I decided to go back to school. My nephew gets really sad when I tell him that I may be moving away for 4 years and that breaks my heart, but theres a bigger lesson for him to see: I am leaving the things that I know and love so as to follow a dream.
And my nieces, I want to be a person for them to turn to, no matter what is going on in their lives- thats going to be hard if I'm 4+ hours away, but there are cell phones and I have told them that they can call me for whatever reason- to share anything with me.
I may be chasing a dream but more than that, I am showing my nieces and nephews that dreams CAN change and you CAN chase them even if you thought you were going to do something else with your life. I can only hope that those are the things that they get from me. But on the other hand I know that kids dont always understand the things you are desperate for them to understand- sometimes they find a different message, a better message, and thats ok too. As long as they know that I love them and I will be there for them, all is well in the world.

Assets

So I went to a Halloween party dressed up as Lara Croft. And almost immediately after I got there, a guy came up behind me and started saying things like "uh huh" and "oh yea" I got the distinct impression that he was admiring my, um... assets. My first reaction was to ignore him- which is what I actually did. And then later, he said "wanna sit on my lap" as I was walking over near him, looking for something. To say I was uncomfortable would be an understatement. Don't be sly with me, dont appreciate my assets without talking to my face, and for god's sake, dont wear a mask if you want me to think fondly of you- I dont like when I cant see people's faces.
And then I did see this guy's face- he was actually pretty attractive, and he did talk to me and was pretty nice. My bad first impression was smoothed over... or something like that.
But then I thought about it... more and more...
Yes, having a guy appreciate my assets was kind of nice- it doesnt happen often. But then again, it was gross and made me feel like decking the guy. Talk to me, to my face. Dont just be impressed by my body, be impressed by my mind, my intellect, by what I have to offer. Talk to my face, not my butt- because my face is more likely to talk back.... just sayin.
Yesterday, I thought "man, I just really dont know how to act when someone admires me". Today though, today I know that when someone talks to my face, I will react differently. I mean dont get me wrong, Im not that good with face to face interaction, but when someone sticks with me, is willing to break into my bubble, I'll talk to them and I'll be nice and who knows, maybe a connection might even be made.
But you gotta say hi first... I'm not good at making the first move. Haha.
At least I know my limitations?

Happiness

Sometimes happiness is when you learn to let everything go. Life will happen, either you will get what you want or you won't. Don't agonize over the what if's but do what you can. By all means keep working, just know that end the end what's meant to be will find a way. And, life is good. 

I'm living in my happy place these days, and I'm so grateful! 

Wouldn't ya know...

So I'm home after a family vacation- family as in my brothers and their wives and kids were on the trip as well as my parents, 12 bodies in all. And while there were moments that sucked- I didnt get to see my nieces as much as I had hoped - I felt like this was the best family vacation that we have been on as a group (its the 3rd one). I was happy. I am happy.
I had my own room and I didn't feel lonely once. I was with my family- people who love me and I got to talk to others who love me. I didn't feel like the odd one out. I was grateful that I had my own room, my own space. Yes, it would have been fun to have the kids spend the night one night, but that didn't happen and its OK. Often when the family is around I feel lacking because I don't have a significant other or kids. But this time I was so happy. I didn't have to think about anyone but myself- ok, yes, I drove my car down so my parents depended on me some, but still I could go off and do my own thing. I could sit down in my room and read, or take the boys for a walk or watch MY tv shows. I could sit in MY room and do whatever it was that I wanted to do and I LOVED every single moment of it. I could sleep in the middle of the bed, and use all 5 pillows! (The 4 that the hotel provided and the one that I brought.) I felt comfortable and happy and at ease. I felt like I was me. I am the person I am meant to be. Life is truly good.
It made my heart happy to finally feel that way on a family vacation. Usually family vacations are full of angst for me.
And now I feel 2 things simultaneously. 1- I am ready to share my family vacations with a significant other. Things came together on this trip and I didn't hold things back and I felt good and I look forward to going on vacations with my significant other and kids in the future. 2- I am confident that if I DON'T have a significant other when we go on the next trip I will be totally fine and just as happy, if not happier.
I have found peace with where I am, who I am, what I am. There are still many things to come, but I am excited for them, I look forward to them. But until they come, I'm good. I'm in a good place- which is awesome. May you all find your happy places! :)

My famn damily.

No, that post title is not a typo. Just switch the first letters of the last 2 words... then you're speaking my language.
Its family vacation time again. A time for love, drama and hurt feelings.
The past 2 vacations I've kind of felt the odd one out. I am the odd one out, really... I am the one in her mid twenties thats not married. The one that doesn't exactly have a job. The one that is a perpetual student without a day job. It's been a part of my life, my identity that I've had to deal with, and in the past I havent exactly dealt with it gracefully.
One brother isnt even here yet and some shit has hit the fan. Sigh.
And it sucks, and my brother is being an ass... but you know what? Do you know what I've learned?
That I am lucky. That I have at least 2, maybe 4 kids that adore me and that there are reasons I am not married.
I see so much in the marriages of my brothers, I see and I'm not always jealous- dont get me wrong... I want to be married and I want kids, but my god sometimes the heartaches that happen are so petty, so awful and so stupid.
I know that when and if I get married it wont be perfect, I know that we will have our struggles and fights, but I hope to god that one day my husband tells his sister that he married the love of his life instead of telling his sister that his wedding anniversary is actually the day he made his biggest mistake.
What the fuck, what am I supposed to do with that knowledge. How AWFUL is that? And idiot, if you feel that way- leave her. Dont be miserable and make her miserable- how is that any way to live?
I am lucky to be where I am.
I hope that I find a man who loves me, who I love and who will work with me through issues instead of just blowing up during family vacations.
But for tonight, I will enjoy my simple life- and by simple I just mean unattached. ;)

Its been another year

Its not quite the 14th, yet, but I wanted to start on my yearly reflection on my grandmas death.
(Jeez that sounds morbid.)
Anyway, this year the  14th means more than just the anniversary of the burial of my grandma. It would have been G and my anniversary. Dont laugh. Ok, yea its a little weird, but anyway...
Last year on the 14th I went to G's apartment and I went on my first ever real honest to goodness date. It was wonderful. G and I had our little thing that kind of fizzled, then we didnt talk much, then we had embarrassing drunken texts and then we talked less, then we saw each other at a party and spent most of that evening chatting and we saw each other 4 more times over the course of 2 months-ish and now we are back to talking quite frequently. Usually I initiate conversation, which is fine, I dont obsess over it as much as I did last year because the meaning is different. G is my friend, he is a person who I can vent to about whatever is going on in my life, and for that I am grateful- SO GRATEFUL. But I can also tell him the most random crazy stuff and hes cool with that too. (Or so it seems- I dont want to convey thoughts in his head that may not actually be there.)
I will never forget on that first date, I told him it was the 5 year anniversary of burying my grandma (I know, not really first date material) and he looked horrified! It was actually kind of funny. And he said to me "we dont have to hang out." Which was a nice thing to say, and I appreciate the gesture, but really, what else should I do on the anniversary of my grandmas funeral? I think hanging out with someone is the perfect thing to do.
I knew then that he was going to be important in my life, but not in the way he is today. I found a person who inspired me. A person who can roll with my ups and downs. One who can take my hots and colds and still talk to me. (Now that Katy Perry song is stuck in my head.) I laugh at myself for some of the things that I've done in our friendship. For example, in March we had some interesting drunk texting. Then we barely talked. Yet, in April I was like "whats your address, want some postcards from foreign places." He was like "hell yea" and I sent him more postcards than I sent my family. WTF? haha. While I was on my trip I talked to him, more than I talked to anyone else, other than my family and the person I was traveling with. It was like I knew he would respond, and that was comforting, because it was a bit of home while I was away. And he had weird hours but I knew he would respond when he had the chance.
September 14* will always be the day that I buried my grandma and thus a time I will always remember her. But thanks to the last September 14th, it will also be a time when I remember just how much life is left, whats good in life and how to move forward. I needed to go on that date to move forward and make September 14 something more than it was, dwelling on the past, even in a positive manner, isn't necessarily the best thing to do.
I think that my grandma would be proud of me, of the person I am becoming. I am in a totally different place this year than I was last year and next year will also be completely different, but thats the beauty about life, it doesnt stand still. Life changes, you change and things evolve.
I was working at an accounting firm, now I am finishing the prerequisites for vet school. I started a relationship last September 14th and today its not the relationship I thought I was getting into, its a relationship that helps me grow. G is a one in a million kind of person and I'm lucky to have him as my friend.

*I realized/found out that we actually buried her on the 15, but the 14th will always be more important to me and I think I will continue to remember her on the 14th- its a little less morbid.

Bigger than one person

My life, its more than just me. I have a village that surrounds me, picks me up and rallies for me. I have people here and there and everywhere who believe in me, sometimes more than I believe in myself.
I am lucky.
I am happy.
And while I am facing one of the biggest challenges of my life, I know that no matter what happens, I will succeed.
I may trip and fall on my knees or even flat on my face, but someone will laugh at me and then help me up.
I would do the same for the lot of my believers.
Because in life we dont just believe our spirituality or our God or what-not.
We believe in each other and its that belief that makes the world a better place.
You believe in me and I believe in you.
You tell me secrets and Ill divulge mine to you.
You tell me your greatest fears and I'll help you fight them.
My life easily touches a dozen people but I think, really it touches more, not necessarily directly.
Its like a ripple. I made a change and maybe I inspired another person to make a change, and she inspired another who inspired another, my initial ripple is therefore never ending. What an amazing feeling. I helped me but I helped another person who helped another person.
So, you see
my life is bigger than just me.
My life, my decisions, my actions, they encompass so much more.
And thats something that resonates through me, right to my core.

Thank you, each and every person who is in my life. I am learning to appreciate each of you for your individual contributions to my life, my world, your world.

My cup overflows

I don't know what it is about today but today, life is beautiful.
I was hit with an overwhelming sense of peace, and recognition of my good fortune.
How lucky am I to be chasing my dreams. How lucky am I that my family supports my dreams- even though it will take me away from them for 4 years in a way I've never been away from them before. How lucky am I that I am relatively healthy- more healthy that I may have ever been in my life. How lucky am I that I have lungs that make it easy to breathe and legs that let me enjoy a run. How lucky am I that I get to have the animals that I want. How lucky am I that I have a good reliable car, that I can focus on my studying and that I have what feels like the biggest support group in the whole world.

Today I feel lucky, blessed, grateful and so many other good things.

Now and then

Every once in a while I am hit by what feels like an imaginary baseball bat in the gut. Now, I've been hit by a REAL baseball bat in the gut, so I know what it feels like, and how utterly breathtaking it is- and not in a good way. But baseball bat aside, I get hit, run over with this great feeling of SOMETHING about I, or S or whatever I've referred to him as I think hes had multiple aliases on this blog. And now I'll refer to him as Him- because its part of his name and why the hell not. Anyway, back to this feeling of something- I cant even define the something that I feel. I dont know if its longing or hurt or just wanting to be in contact with him. Maybe its as simple as I miss my friend. In all my OTHER relationships with guys, I generally talk to them again- I mean hell I talk to G almost every day again- which is awesome- but beside the point, sort of.
When it comes to Him I am currently totally lost. I sent letters while he was away- and I got positive feedback, but then maybe I came on too strong? Because it feels like all ties were cut. Here is a friend, a person that I turned to when my life when left right up and down and I had to find out third hand that something awful happened to him- and I dont know more. I know I have crazy moments, but I like to think I'm not over the top - or if I am - that people can rein me in and I can then act like a normal human being!

And right when I was delving into this blog post, G texted me to ask how the Him situation was going. World's greatest friend, there.
Can I just say how lucky I am to have been able to go from friend to more to nothing back to friend? G is amazing.

Equal and Opposite Reaction

Not sure yet if the title has anything to do with the post other than I am avoiding having to study for physics.
I think about where I am now, and where I was a year ago, hell I can even think about where I was 2 years ago.
This time 2 years ago I was starting to get worried about finding a job. Here I was sitting with a degree which was useful and I had no bites on a job. I wanted a job, so bad. I was ready to start my post grad life. I had a 2 year plan. Land a job that paid reasonably well (I was hoping to make $27,000 after taxes) and save as much as possible for 2 years then use the savings as a down payment on a house somewhere close to home but in the next county over. I was pining over J who had kissed me 2 nights before I graduated and then basically became smoke in the air. I was looking forward to a new start and anxious to get it started.
This time last year I had a job, one that DIDNT pay me what I had been hoping for, but it was a job in the size firm that I was hoping for but I was learning that it wasnt necessarily leading where I wanted it to. I was an intern, after busting my buns during tax season. I had failed all 4 parts of the CPA exam and I was learning that what I had learned in school was not what I was practicing in real life and that maybe, just maybe I didnt want a desk job for the rest of my life. I was talking to this really great guy, G, who kept me up to the wee hours of the morning just because we had so much to talk about. We had what my friends referred to as cyber dates where we watched the same movie at the same time and talked about it- cute, no? And I was anxious to SEE G. Talking was great, but I wanted to spend time with him.
This time this year I am back in school working on prerequisites for and applying to vet school. G and I "dated" for a couple of weeks - and I put that in quotes because it was only so short. I still think the world of him and recently we have sort of started talking a bit, but not NEARLY as much as we did last year. I am learning the difference between being a friend and being someone a person is interested in- its a learning experience, for sure. I dont think I ever recognized before the difference- maybe because I generally cycle people (ahem J and I). I saved a fair amount of money, but spent it all on a 2.5 week trip to Ireland and Scotland and a new puppy instead of keeping it around for a down payment on a house. I have a new dream, a new 5 year plan, and things that I wanted to happen sooner rather than later are getting pushed to later- I'm talking a serious romantic relationship and (eventually) kids. OH and this year I have a new nephew! So may changes, but only now am I really realizing it. Even 7 months ago, I didnt know I would be where I am now, I love it- well sort of. I am excited to be on this journey to what I think will be a more fulfilling life, but I miss a regular paycheck and being able to be "done" with the day at 5pm. Oddly enough though. And! My dad is retired, another change.
Looking forward to this time next year, with any luck I will be moving away from home- like at least 4 hours away- with my 2 dogs and I will be embarking on a 4 year journey through vet school. I will be missing the early teen years of my nieces and some of the formidable younger years of my nephews but I know that, really, I will be showing them something more valuable than they will recognize at the time. I will be showing them that even when it means leaving everything that you know, you can and should chase the dreams chase the things that will, in the long run, make you happy. These are lessons that their parents wont be able to instill in them and that grandma can only tell them about. Its me, who will be the example. By doing what I am doing, I am showing that what you think you will like doesnt have to be your ultimate lifetime career. There's so much riding on vet school. I feel the pressure every day, I carry all of those weights with me, every day, but I know in the end it will ALL be worth it.
And since Im here, why dont I look 5 years down the road? With any luck, I will have graduated from vet school. I imagine I will come back close to home to be with the kiddos. The girls will be 16 and 14. The boys 12, 10 and 5. And my beloved Payton, if we are lucky will be 14 and still kicking. Perhaps my mom will own the clinic and I will work with her, like I have for so much of my life and maybe, if I am really lucky, I'll be able to start think about starting a family of my own.
I know that life rarely works out the way we plan, but if nothing else works out, I hope, really hope that I get into vet school.

I am me.

And I like communication and I've decided I am not going to hold back. I am going to talk to you as much as I want. If you dont respond, thats not going to necessarily dissuade me- I mean it might eventually disuade me. But I am me, and I like talking and interacting with people and so thats what I am going to do. Either you interact back, you ignore me or you eventually tell me to f-off.
I mean, I know it took me a while to get back to the talking stage but, this is me... I do things in yearly cycles. I'm weird like that. And I miss the talking for hours on end that we had. I get that we are in a different place now, but that doesnt mean that I dont think we cant or shouldnt be friends. In fact, I think the very opposite. I think being friends, good friends- if thats possible- is a great thing.
So heres to communication. Because thats how I roll. Haha.

Nearly Dead

I was told informed yesterday that the person that I wrote about in my last post was found in early June nearly dead. And when I say nearly, I mean about as close to dead as one can get without being dead- he wasnt breathing when he was found. Or so Im told. I got the story from my mom who only heard pieces of the story from his mom.
And ive been reeling. What can I do, what really happened, why do I only find out a month later, what happened to my friend. And none of my questions are being answered and I dont know what to do, where to start, or even just to let the whole thing go.
I miss my friend.

I deserve better

There was a person in my life, who I met in 2004 who always turned up at turning points in my life. If I was going through something tough, he was there. If I just needed to vent, he was there. He has consistently lived 500 miles away from me and seeing him has generally been hard. He has even lived more than 5000 miles away. But there was always a constant: he was there and I could count on him. 

That constant changed in December. And the change keeps evolving. You see, election night I got a message from him about wanting to Skype, but I was involved with someone else at the time and I knew skyping with this guy would tangle me up on the inside. So I didn't Skype with him. But that night he said some things that, lets be honest here, took me by surprise, but in a good way. Nothing bad just I want to hear your voice and I wish I was with you right now. I obsessed over those words, like I do, and when he went to basic training I sent about 16 letters. I got one back: I love hearing for you, please keep writing, yes you are crazy but that's what I love about you. I talked to him briefly when he was on leave for Christmas- please keep writing. I've written you back twice. (I never did get that second letter.) I was beside myself. So, because his mom is out of the country and I didn't know his siblings plans for his basic training graduation, I emailed his mom- she's much better at communication and emailed me back within about 2 hours. She said: I don't know if his siblings, grandma or girlfriend are going down. 

Wait, what? Girlfriend? What the hell, man? 

I was floored- although I had just the previous week said to my friends- what if he has a girlfriend and he just hasn't told me? Seems my intuition was right. 

So I send a letter that didn't rip him a new one but said, basically "hey man, why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend". 

I haven't heard a peep from him since the first day of January when he said keep writing your letters get me through training. 

Not a god damned peep. 

That was 6 months ago. 

Then, last week, he updates his relationship status to have been dating this girl since August of last year. AUGUST!  

Election night was in November. A whole 2 and a half months into his relationship he wanted to Skype and hear my voice. When he said "I really wish I was with you now." 

You can't say that to someone who will believe in anything, to someone who will read into it like I do when you are in a relationship. God damnit. 

So, long story short, I miss the person who showed up at the most random but most needed moments in my life for the last 8 years. I wish though he was able to say "hey, I've got a girlfriend, I'm not gonna talk to you anymore. But I guess I'm not worthy, in his mind for that. 

Ack! Pisses me off. I deserve better. An yet, the person who hasn't talked to me in 6 months, who won't talk to me, is the person that I still think about more than almost anyone else. There is one other person I think about frequently, but really I don't need to be thinking about either one. Neither one of them are in my life, nor should they be, really. 

Get out of my head

I'm in Ireland I should be playing happy and crazy and just plain having fun. I'm annoyed because military man is in my head and has been since i left home. Dude get out of my head. You do not deserve to be there... I deserve to let you go. Let me let you go.

23- Take 2...

I liked 23 soo much, Im gonna do it again. I dont wanna be 24.

I have birthday issues. And I've had lots of hurt feelings over birthday plans.
But I've also realized its something that I need to work on, so Im gonna do that.
What struck me as funny, not funny haha but funny interesting. Was that for my 20's I've spent most of the time that is my birthday by myself. I remember on my 20th birthday, I was kind of left alone and I cried myself to sleep- I think I even wrote a blog about it, but Im not about to go look because if Im right that would just be depressing. When I was 21 I spent the day volunteering for the humane society at Rolex, I spent time in my dorm room all by my lonesome and then I headed home. Granted I did have a few friends come out, but they arrived later. The majority of my day was by myself. Twenty-two- that one I wasnt by myself, except to go to the bathroom. lol. Twenty-three though, I took the day off work and I went shopping by myself. Today, 24- i mean 23-take 2, I spent most of the day by myself, studying.
I usually dont lament about spending so much time by myself. Usually, I have no problem about it, but for some reason, I felt that being by myself on my birthday was kind of sad. Should I be around people that I love and who love me? Sure, and I was for pieces of every one of those birthdays. But its the days when its hard to be by myself that are the most important. Im learning to be happy to spend time with me and that will make things easier in life later. Life isnt all roses. In fact theres only pieces that are roses. Life is hard, it sucks and it will mess you up. But those moments, those moments of perfection, thats what makes it all worthwhile.
So heres to learning to be happy not because its expected or because you feel obligated, but because you actually enjoy your life. I wouldnt trade my life for anything. Even the parts that suck or drive me nuts! :)

Time changes everything, and sometimes nothing.

I went to a Tractor Supply today. I do this actually once a month or every 2 months, so it shouldnt be a big deal. Besides J hasnt worked at Tractor Supply for over a year now, and I havent seen J in a year and a half or more. Regardless, every single time I walk into a Tractor Supply, no matter which one it is, I expect him to come up behind me and grab me. Every single time, my blood pressure goes up. Add the sound of boots on the floor and I want to hid. Add the sound of keys AND boots and I'm tense as a board. Its like Im transported to a time where things were good between us.
And yet hes not a part of my life anymore nor do I want him to be.

Its funny, in college, I was willing to change my life plans based on how the people I was growing close to were going to live their lives. J wanted to go work for Tractor Supply corporate and so I was gonna find a way to go to grad school in Nashville. Bout thats not who I am anymore. I found the selfish part of me and want to chase MY dreams, not be a sideline to someone else's dreams, nor do I necessarily want someone to be a sideline to my dreams. This is not the time for me to find someone to spend my life with. This is the time for me to live my life for me. To be scared and yet chase my dreams with everything that I have. Let go of whatever's coming and take a 2 and a half week trip with a good friend, even if that means missing the birth of my nephew. My life is changing and its something that I want to soak up. I may not see the differences day by day or week by week, but I know they are coming, I feel them, and Im selfish enough not to want to share that with someone else. This is MY dream, I am paying the price and so I should get to reap the benefits. :)

Just say it

I realize that a relationship didnt happen with G, much to his dismay. And I realize that last week was hard on me and probably just as hard on him. But maybe something that others don't realize, is that he laid it all out. Told me how he felt, no holds barred. And that, that is something that I wish every person would do. Wouldn't the world be easier if we all knew where we stood with one another? I hope that he was able to get the same clarity from me, even if it's not necessarily what he wanted to hear. Life has it's ups and downs goods and bads but there are so many people in my life that don't tell me where I stand and I hate it. I will always be honest, it won't always be pretty and I might hurt feelings, but we can't scare away from that, because it only makes life harder.
A while ago I confessed feelings to a person, he never responded. Ever. I still haven't heard from him, months later. But I talked to his mom, because our families are friends, and she told me that he had a girlfriend. I was downright shocked. And I asked him about it "why didnt you tell me before I made a fool of myself?" Still nothing. Is he ashamed that he didnt tell me or that I went out on a limb? Does he care? I don't know, and that's the hardest part of life. Uncertainty.
I'll tell you something though. I am not ashamed. I own my feelings, every single one of them. Going out on a limb like I did, it was actually empowering. I felt good afterwards. Now, it seems like I've kind of lost a friend and that really stinks, but if he isn't man enough to acknowledge what I've said and set the record straight, then why the hell do I want anything to do with him?
Yea, lets be real here, feelings aren't it and dry. They don't disappear, appear or change just because they've been acknowledged-or not- they are more complex. We are more complex. But I hope that people strive to be more real with one another. And G if you are reading this, I wish you all the happiness in the world, I do. But I don't think it includes me.

What an interesting day.

The past two nights I've been having mish mash dreams that throw all kind of aspects of my past into one dream. What the heck?
And then, today, a friend and I were talking about tattoos and I thought of J. Then, I got the absolutely crazy idea to see if J's number had changed... because I distinctly remember a tattoo.
So I texted this number that I had to dig out of an old phone. Its still his.
At first my heart was racing- here was a guy that I was almost involved with, and I havent talked to him in almost 2 years. What the hell was I doing?
I dont know, I still dont know, I mean I've just invited a layer of my past back into my life. Jesus.
But we had a nice conversation. He's grown, and I couldnt be more proud of him.
He said something interesting though, he said "Im not the same J you remember and you might not like this version." I found it weird. Was he asking for acceptance? Was he trying to impress me? Dude, I dont matter, its been 2 years. But what he sent me was not a bad change. It was a good change, and I am so happy for him.
He also has a daughter. Whoa.
It hit me, its odd how much someone can change in 2 years. And at the same time how someone can stay the same. I mean as much as I've moved forward, I've stayed in the same spot in life- weird how that happens.
Anyway, the think that struck me as most odd about the conversation, is that it was all about him. Huh. But seriously, I asked all the requisite questions, I sent him my support, and yet at the end of the conversation, he didnt ask a single question about me. It just struck me as odd.