Ive realized that I live life safely. I dont really ever put my neck on the line where someone could either save my butt or leave me there and I could have it cut off.
And its not just with boys, where I dont let loose.
Its in many things.
Its in driving- I am a terrible passenger, and a control freak, and therefore I drive anywhere I go, pretty much.
Its in my school work- I always pick a safe subject, and kind of sort of describe it and get the gist of it, and that gives me B's but really, if I just stuck my neck out there a little bit more, if I made more assertions, I could wind up with some A's on papers. And this occurred to me as I was writing my last paper. I was writing on Taoism, and I just got a jolt of inspiration, and off I went and I didnt hold anything back, and it felt good. I only hope that my no holds barred approach is rewarded. Professors are always telling me that I get the point, but I just need a little bit more. Well, that was it, I think, I hope.
Yes, planning is good, important and a great tool. But sometimes, yes I am finally admitting this- sometimes the best parts of life are NOT planned! Be spontaneous every now and then, and know that its not always going to be perfect, but at the same time, some of the best laid plans never work out.
Be fun, have fun.
Surround yourself with the people that you like, and those arent always necessarily the people in your core group of friends. If you have to, break the mold, spend sometime with someone different for a change.
Bottom line: This life is yours, take it or leave it, but I have decided to take mine and run with it.
Friday afternoon the boy made me unhappy- to say the least- and I decided that I shouldnt need him, that I cant rely on him, and therefore, when he said he was "out" for plans that night, I told him I was "out" til Dec. 5th. And when I think about it, I feel as if I am doing the exact thing that I told him I wouldnt- I told him he wouldnt lose me, but doesnt no contact for a month equal somewhat of a loss? On the other hand, I gave him about 15 opportunities to open up and talk to me, and I made those promises thinking that he would, but he never did. And so I am free and clear to work at letting go. If I am as important to him as he says I am, then its time for him to step up to the plate and make some effort. I dont mind being friends- but it is going to take a talk, a real honest to goodness face-to-face talk, and thats something that I dont think he will commit to and follow through with.
The point of that story was to share my most recent analogy: I feel as if I was driving down the "James" road- one which I have been down before, though the scenery is a little bit different, I am still running over excuse after excuse. But Friday, when he had a golden opportunity to talk to me and he wouldnt, I got mad and turned the wheel hard, I took a 90 degree turn to the left and I pressed down on my accelerator. If he wants, he can find me, he can catch up and give me his story, but hed better do it soon, because this time I am likely to be long gone.
This post was written by Spontaneous Jessie. haha :)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Superperson!
Today was costume day at school.
I haven't really participated in Halloween costumes since, well since I went trick-or-treating, unless I was like a Cowgirl or something.
But today, today I went as a Superperson.
It was fantastic, people smiled at me, gawked at me, and I felt wonderful.
I mean I dont really like to be stared at a lot, but I felt it was appropriate today.
Long story short:
Life is short, and today I fully embraced it! :)
I haven't really participated in Halloween costumes since, well since I went trick-or-treating, unless I was like a Cowgirl or something.
But today, today I went as a Superperson.
It was fantastic, people smiled at me, gawked at me, and I felt wonderful.
I mean I dont really like to be stared at a lot, but I felt it was appropriate today.
Long story short:
Life is short, and today I fully embraced it! :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Nicknames
My name: Jessica
Common Nicknames: Jessie and Jess
People when first meeting me, or after knowing me just a few weeks will often ask me what I liked to be called, or if I have a preference, and I always say pick your favorite, or I like Jessica, Jessie or Jess.
And I will generally respond to any of those names, and a few others- as long as you arent yelling for me in a large crowd, because then I just cant hear, and so will pay no attention. Usually in this case yelling Carnes is good.
Anyway. I dont generally have an issue with my name and I introduce myself as Jessica or Jessie depending on the context.
But my favorite nickname, really, is Jess. I love when people call me Jess, but I never tell people to call me that. Is that weird?
Its kind of like its my favorite BECAUSE I dont tell people to call me that, therefore, when they call me that its because they came up with it on their own. I mean its not that hard to get Jess from Jessica, but still.
OK, thats my random thought of the day! :)
Common Nicknames: Jessie and Jess
People when first meeting me, or after knowing me just a few weeks will often ask me what I liked to be called, or if I have a preference, and I always say pick your favorite, or I like Jessica, Jessie or Jess.
And I will generally respond to any of those names, and a few others- as long as you arent yelling for me in a large crowd, because then I just cant hear, and so will pay no attention. Usually in this case yelling Carnes is good.
Anyway. I dont generally have an issue with my name and I introduce myself as Jessica or Jessie depending on the context.
But my favorite nickname, really, is Jess. I love when people call me Jess, but I never tell people to call me that. Is that weird?
Its kind of like its my favorite BECAUSE I dont tell people to call me that, therefore, when they call me that its because they came up with it on their own. I mean its not that hard to get Jess from Jessica, but still.
OK, thats my random thought of the day! :)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Looking Back
So today, for the first time in a long time, I went back and I read everything that I have written on this blog this year. Wow, I kind of have a one track mind, dont I?
The boy.
And everything is based around him.
Wow
I mean I knew that I was bad, just didnt quite realize I was this bad.
And while I cannot control what my heart feels, I can totally wrestle it with how my mind knows.
And yes, I will struggle, and question EVERYTHING, but by now, surely if you read this blog, you know this about me.
But this is what I know:
He tells me that I have to do what I want for me, but whats missing is him saying that he wants the same thing. And this cannot work unless its a mutual effort.
Whether we have the wrong timing, or just totally different outlooks on things.
Yes, I can do the things that I want for me, but it wont matter unless the other person is headed in the same direction.
I dont know how to get the point across, or maybe I cant, but I think face to face would be a good idea... IF HE EVER FREAKING sets a time.
Anyway, this rant is over.
I know that I have a blessed life, and theses challenges with the boy could be construed as trivial... but they are what they are, and I am what I am, and we just have to go from there!
The boy.
And everything is based around him.
Wow
I mean I knew that I was bad, just didnt quite realize I was this bad.
And while I cannot control what my heart feels, I can totally wrestle it with how my mind knows.
And yes, I will struggle, and question EVERYTHING, but by now, surely if you read this blog, you know this about me.
But this is what I know:
He tells me that I have to do what I want for me, but whats missing is him saying that he wants the same thing. And this cannot work unless its a mutual effort.
Whether we have the wrong timing, or just totally different outlooks on things.
Yes, I can do the things that I want for me, but it wont matter unless the other person is headed in the same direction.
I dont know how to get the point across, or maybe I cant, but I think face to face would be a good idea... IF HE EVER FREAKING sets a time.
Anyway, this rant is over.
I know that I have a blessed life, and theses challenges with the boy could be construed as trivial... but they are what they are, and I am what I am, and we just have to go from there!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A dreaming fool
I had a dream last night, you know, one of those that you dont want to wake up from?
And its not that it was fantastically good, but rather it seemed like it could be real- ok so maybe not all of the circumstances, but the feelings and the hurt, and the happy.
So let me see if I can recount it.
Part 1.
We were at school. I had visitors, who were going to stay the night- my mom and J. And there was some issue as to who was going to stay where, and my friends werent that happy (story of my life) anyway. And we (I dont know who all was included in the we) were going to the opera house for some sort of performance. J was supposed to come, but decided not to or something.
Part 2. We had a party at home. J came to visit but he couldnt stay long, and so I drove over to the neighbors house (where he had parked?) and was talking to them as he was getting ready to leave. But then I asked him to stay. He said he couldnt and looked really upset by something. So I went up to his car and I had him roll down the window so that I could ask him why he wouldnt stay. And when the window rolled down there were 2 girls in his car. He looked seriously pained (remorse maybe?), and I of course was hurt, upset. So I just said "I see, well then I guess this is Goodbye"
Part 3.
Was really a continuation of part 1.
It starts off with us leaving the play. We walked out the doors, and J was there. Everyone else sighed and just went back to campus, which in this reality was up a huge hill, and was a castle (which kind of reminds me of Hogwarts) and it wasnt Lexington, but rather a quaint smaller town. J looked at me and said "I am sorry, forgive me?" and I flashed back to part 2 of the dream, and part 1 when he decided not to go with me. But, I smiled, said "Just this once" and grabbed his hand. We walked up to where the rest of the group was, and they werent particularly happy but they didnt disown me, which was nice. And Badger, who had opted not to go to the play came down because she wanted food, but not school food, so she was trying to get people to go downtown with her to get food, no one was really wanting to go. I sat down on a window bench type thing, and pulled J down with me, where we sat for a few minutes just watching everyone else.
If only it could come true... I know though, that is impossible.
And its not that it was fantastically good, but rather it seemed like it could be real- ok so maybe not all of the circumstances, but the feelings and the hurt, and the happy.
So let me see if I can recount it.
Part 1.
We were at school. I had visitors, who were going to stay the night- my mom and J. And there was some issue as to who was going to stay where, and my friends werent that happy (story of my life) anyway. And we (I dont know who all was included in the we) were going to the opera house for some sort of performance. J was supposed to come, but decided not to or something.
Part 2. We had a party at home. J came to visit but he couldnt stay long, and so I drove over to the neighbors house (where he had parked?) and was talking to them as he was getting ready to leave. But then I asked him to stay. He said he couldnt and looked really upset by something. So I went up to his car and I had him roll down the window so that I could ask him why he wouldnt stay. And when the window rolled down there were 2 girls in his car. He looked seriously pained (remorse maybe?), and I of course was hurt, upset. So I just said "I see, well then I guess this is Goodbye"
Part 3.
Was really a continuation of part 1.
It starts off with us leaving the play. We walked out the doors, and J was there. Everyone else sighed and just went back to campus, which in this reality was up a huge hill, and was a castle (which kind of reminds me of Hogwarts) and it wasnt Lexington, but rather a quaint smaller town. J looked at me and said "I am sorry, forgive me?" and I flashed back to part 2 of the dream, and part 1 when he decided not to go with me. But, I smiled, said "Just this once" and grabbed his hand. We walked up to where the rest of the group was, and they werent particularly happy but they didnt disown me, which was nice. And Badger, who had opted not to go to the play came down because she wanted food, but not school food, so she was trying to get people to go downtown with her to get food, no one was really wanting to go. I sat down on a window bench type thing, and pulled J down with me, where we sat for a few minutes just watching everyone else.
If only it could come true... I know though, that is impossible.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Little Miss
A song by Sugarland, and my current obsession.
Its all about being down on luck, love, life and then pulling yourself together and knowing that it will be alright again and knowing that you are loved. (Or at least, that is what I get out of it).
Little miss heart beats wide open now, shes ready for love.
Thats me...
Or really, this whole song is me, currently.
I was in a funk about *that guy*, you know, the one that the past two poems are about.
Yes, something happened, I think I even wrote about it, and unsurprisingly I blew things out of proportion, but thats just me. One day there will be that person in my life that sees the way I blow things up, laugh at me, and then deflate my balloon, carefully so as to not depress me or hurt me unintentionally.
*That guy* is not the person to do this. Sure hes careful about what he says but thats just because (no surprise) I am too important in his life for him to let something like (god forbid) a relationship come between us. (Here's where I debunk the theory that a real relationship would come between us. I mean sure it could, but sometimes you gotta take a leap of faith and hope that things work out. We have been friends, we have even gone to the point where we dont talk. But you see we always seem to be thrown together. So man up dude, so what that we both have lives, no one said this was going to be easy. But I am telling you it could be worth it, you just gotta put yourself on the line. He says he doesnt want to take the chance of hurting me, or pushing me too far, but I think really its that he doesnt want to get hurt. But you know what I GET THAT!!! And I have never burned a bridge- I dont leave people out in the cold, even people I dont like. Everyone can get warmth from me- I am just not the type of person to stop talking/caring/loving. IT doesnt happen. Even the people who break my heart, I still talk to them.) Ok, so now THAT rant is over.
Next.
I have been on a kick of empowerment. *He* told me that I am one of the most important, dependable people in his life, and then he doesnt talk to me for days on end. Hello? Yea, sorry pal, but that doesnt work. I talk to the people who are important in my life at least once a day. Even if its just to say hey. So dont give me the bullshit about being super important. I get that you are working every day for the next 2 weeks, but you arent working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are working maybe 12 hours a day. And its not like texting is hard.
Moral of my story here,
Its time for me to find a new obsession, because this one just isnt working for me anymore. I deserve more, someone who will love me and treat me wonderfully. (Yes, I will hold out for that- hopefully!) So, good thing that basketball season is starting- its the perfect thing to take my mind of that obsession. Traveling twice a week on a bus full of boys, how can a girl complain?!
And this song, Little Miss, its perfect. I feel like I am that person that will do anything for the people in her life, and help anyone and everyone who asks for it, but sometimes I feel like I dont take enough time for me.
I have 4 classes, 2 committees, 2 organizations that I have a leadership role in, I work for the athletic department, Traveling with the basketball team, not to mention social activities, and family activities. I dont have TIME for a boy- yet I still fantasize about having a boy.
I feel like I am the epitome of the girl that has everything yet still feels lost and lonely. I have good friends, I have an awesome family, I love myself (most days) but the thing that I want most, is the thing that still eludes me- a boyfriend. I know, I know, they arent all that wonderful, they arent worth the trouble, I dont need a boyfriend to be wonderful, having a boyfriend wont fill my void- I hear all the arguments. But needing and wanting are TOTALLY different- I dont NEED clothes, but I am a very modest person and desperately WANT them. I NEED glasses but I desperately dont WANT them. I get it, really I do...
But still, like all Americans, or humans for that matter, I want what isnt mine.
Sure I suppose it will happen some day.
New subject.
Honesty.
I am honest, its not something that I will apologize for.
I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but really, would you rather me lie to you?!
I only want one thing in return, honesty.
Seriously, if I say something that upsets you TELL ME, and dont be subtle about it. Say, "hey asshole, please stop talking about that subject, I dont like it it hurts me, it upsets me, etc". Look me in the eyes and tell me seriously. Because I hate hurting people, especially my friends. But the absolute worst thing you can do is tell other mutual friends that you are upset- because usually it gets back to me. Id like to think that I am a gentle soul, but then thinks like this get back to me.
I am sorry. I am not perfect, I cannot change everything but I dont like being a hideous person who hurts her friends.
I think I will stop there, for now. Seems, this post is longer than my usual.
Go listen to Little Miss! :)
Its all about being down on luck, love, life and then pulling yourself together and knowing that it will be alright again and knowing that you are loved. (Or at least, that is what I get out of it).
Little miss heart beats wide open now, shes ready for love.
Thats me...
Or really, this whole song is me, currently.
I was in a funk about *that guy*, you know, the one that the past two poems are about.
Yes, something happened, I think I even wrote about it, and unsurprisingly I blew things out of proportion, but thats just me. One day there will be that person in my life that sees the way I blow things up, laugh at me, and then deflate my balloon, carefully so as to not depress me or hurt me unintentionally.
*That guy* is not the person to do this. Sure hes careful about what he says but thats just because (no surprise) I am too important in his life for him to let something like (god forbid) a relationship come between us. (Here's where I debunk the theory that a real relationship would come between us. I mean sure it could, but sometimes you gotta take a leap of faith and hope that things work out. We have been friends, we have even gone to the point where we dont talk. But you see we always seem to be thrown together. So man up dude, so what that we both have lives, no one said this was going to be easy. But I am telling you it could be worth it, you just gotta put yourself on the line. He says he doesnt want to take the chance of hurting me, or pushing me too far, but I think really its that he doesnt want to get hurt. But you know what I GET THAT!!! And I have never burned a bridge- I dont leave people out in the cold, even people I dont like. Everyone can get warmth from me- I am just not the type of person to stop talking/caring/loving. IT doesnt happen. Even the people who break my heart, I still talk to them.) Ok, so now THAT rant is over.
Next.
I have been on a kick of empowerment. *He* told me that I am one of the most important, dependable people in his life, and then he doesnt talk to me for days on end. Hello? Yea, sorry pal, but that doesnt work. I talk to the people who are important in my life at least once a day. Even if its just to say hey. So dont give me the bullshit about being super important. I get that you are working every day for the next 2 weeks, but you arent working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are working maybe 12 hours a day. And its not like texting is hard.
Moral of my story here,
Its time for me to find a new obsession, because this one just isnt working for me anymore. I deserve more, someone who will love me and treat me wonderfully. (Yes, I will hold out for that- hopefully!) So, good thing that basketball season is starting- its the perfect thing to take my mind of that obsession. Traveling twice a week on a bus full of boys, how can a girl complain?!
And this song, Little Miss, its perfect. I feel like I am that person that will do anything for the people in her life, and help anyone and everyone who asks for it, but sometimes I feel like I dont take enough time for me.
I have 4 classes, 2 committees, 2 organizations that I have a leadership role in, I work for the athletic department, Traveling with the basketball team, not to mention social activities, and family activities. I dont have TIME for a boy- yet I still fantasize about having a boy.
I feel like I am the epitome of the girl that has everything yet still feels lost and lonely. I have good friends, I have an awesome family, I love myself (most days) but the thing that I want most, is the thing that still eludes me- a boyfriend. I know, I know, they arent all that wonderful, they arent worth the trouble, I dont need a boyfriend to be wonderful, having a boyfriend wont fill my void- I hear all the arguments. But needing and wanting are TOTALLY different- I dont NEED clothes, but I am a very modest person and desperately WANT them. I NEED glasses but I desperately dont WANT them. I get it, really I do...
But still, like all Americans, or humans for that matter, I want what isnt mine.
Sure I suppose it will happen some day.
New subject.
Honesty.
I am honest, its not something that I will apologize for.
I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but really, would you rather me lie to you?!
I only want one thing in return, honesty.
Seriously, if I say something that upsets you TELL ME, and dont be subtle about it. Say, "hey asshole, please stop talking about that subject, I dont like it it hurts me, it upsets me, etc". Look me in the eyes and tell me seriously. Because I hate hurting people, especially my friends. But the absolute worst thing you can do is tell other mutual friends that you are upset- because usually it gets back to me. Id like to think that I am a gentle soul, but then thinks like this get back to me.
I am sorry. I am not perfect, I cannot change everything but I dont like being a hideous person who hurts her friends.
I think I will stop there, for now. Seems, this post is longer than my usual.
Go listen to Little Miss! :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Why wont you just give us a try?
I wish I could tell him
Its like a bad film
that doing nothing will push me away
I am not just some mold-able clay
sure I've always stuck around before
but what happens when I decide I want more?
What happens when I finally move on?
Does he not think that will break our bond?
No, I wont just leave him hanging
I dont like all or nothing
But that doesnt mean it will be good
Here, listen to this, bud.
Telling me you dont want to lose me
thats good, I wont flee
Telling me you dont know if its real or lust
well dear, thats just a bust.
I want to just shake you
Yep, til you turn blue
Why wont you just give us a try?
And if it ends, I promise I wont cry.
Poem number 2 in less than a week.... gotta love dealings of the heart!
Its like a bad film
that doing nothing will push me away
I am not just some mold-able clay
sure I've always stuck around before
but what happens when I decide I want more?
What happens when I finally move on?
Does he not think that will break our bond?
No, I wont just leave him hanging
I dont like all or nothing
But that doesnt mean it will be good
Here, listen to this, bud.
Telling me you dont want to lose me
thats good, I wont flee
Telling me you dont know if its real or lust
well dear, thats just a bust.
I want to just shake you
Yep, til you turn blue
Why wont you just give us a try?
And if it ends, I promise I wont cry.
Poem number 2 in less than a week.... gotta love dealings of the heart!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A month, day by day
I saw this on another blog, and thought that it would be an interesting experiment. So here goes:
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1: I really hate my insecurities, I know ways in which I can open up to the ones around me but I am always scared. I always think through things too much.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1: I really hate my insecurities, I know ways in which I can open up to the ones around me but I am always scared. I always think through things too much.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Miss you
You say we are best friends.
But when it comes to one of the biggest talks that we need to have and I say my peace you peace out and I dont hear from you in more than a day.
I miss you.
Please talk to me about this.
We can get through this.
No matter what, pushing me away, it doesnt work.
We know this, we've tried the not talking part.
Oh well, tonight I sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
But when it comes to one of the biggest talks that we need to have and I say my peace you peace out and I dont hear from you in more than a day.
I miss you.
Please talk to me about this.
We can get through this.
No matter what, pushing me away, it doesnt work.
We know this, we've tried the not talking part.
Oh well, tonight I sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Dizzy
Both literally and emotionally.
I dont do the whole waiting game well, unless I have a defined timeline.
So I got my answer tonight.
And then some silence.
We deserve this, if nothing else, to give it a try.
But its time for him to make up his mind.
And so I will give him a few days.
Dont keep me out friend,
I can take it, no matter what it is.
I am strong enough.
I promise.
I dont do the whole waiting game well, unless I have a defined timeline.
So I got my answer tonight.
And then some silence.
We deserve this, if nothing else, to give it a try.
But its time for him to make up his mind.
And so I will give him a few days.
Dont keep me out friend,
I can take it, no matter what it is.
I am strong enough.
I promise.
Could it be
I wanna talk to him, hes one of my best friends.
But I am giving him his space. I texted first yesterday to show that we could talk and be normal without having the dreaded conversation, but I dont want to be pushy, or needy.
So I wait.
And then the thought occurred to me, was he reaching out to my friends to make things easier for the two of us? Did he want to resolve things because new things were happening? Yesterday my main feelings were paranoia, today, it seems I'm optimistic.
Wouldnt it be great to just tuck this into a drawer in my head, and close it until its time for our talk? Yea, if only.
I want to be cute, playful, flirty and carefree, but its just not me. I think too much, obsess a little and freak out over the smallest things.
Funny story though, my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been right on the mark. And today's seems like its a good time for a talk, hopefully it will happen.
But I am giving him his space. I texted first yesterday to show that we could talk and be normal without having the dreaded conversation, but I dont want to be pushy, or needy.
So I wait.
And then the thought occurred to me, was he reaching out to my friends to make things easier for the two of us? Did he want to resolve things because new things were happening? Yesterday my main feelings were paranoia, today, it seems I'm optimistic.
Wouldnt it be great to just tuck this into a drawer in my head, and close it until its time for our talk? Yea, if only.
I want to be cute, playful, flirty and carefree, but its just not me. I think too much, obsess a little and freak out over the smallest things.
Funny story though, my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been right on the mark. And today's seems like its a good time for a talk, hopefully it will happen.
Monday, October 11, 2010
All caught up
Since Friday I've been all caught up on you
on us, on the things I didnt do
It reminded me of that night last June
But nothings changed
I dont think you really want me
You just want a fuck buddy
Thats not going to happen pal
so can we just have the conversation now?
The "im not good at making plans"
and "your one of my best friends"
followed by "i didnt really mean that,
but I just couldnt seem to hold back."
You see I may be shy, and quiet
But around you my heart takes flight
I know what I want, well mostly
You make me feel like im floating
And thats a feeling I dont want to lose
But its time to put back on the shoes
Its time to woman up and hold my chin high
Because really, your nothing more than just another guy
Show me that you care
show me that you can play fair
and maybe I'll let you in
but until then I cant give in
Not if I want to prevent a crack
and keep my heart largely intact.
wow, I dont think words have flown out of me that well or that fast in a long time. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak- here we go! Its gonna be a wild ride. :)
on us, on the things I didnt do
It reminded me of that night last June
But nothings changed
I dont think you really want me
You just want a fuck buddy
Thats not going to happen pal
so can we just have the conversation now?
The "im not good at making plans"
and "your one of my best friends"
followed by "i didnt really mean that,
but I just couldnt seem to hold back."
You see I may be shy, and quiet
But around you my heart takes flight
I know what I want, well mostly
You make me feel like im floating
And thats a feeling I dont want to lose
But its time to put back on the shoes
Its time to woman up and hold my chin high
Because really, your nothing more than just another guy
Show me that you care
show me that you can play fair
and maybe I'll let you in
but until then I cant give in
Not if I want to prevent a crack
and keep my heart largely intact.
wow, I dont think words have flown out of me that well or that fast in a long time. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak- here we go! Its gonna be a wild ride. :)
Waiting game
I am not good at the waiting game.
I want to know everything about everyone and anything.
I want to know why you had a good 7am wake up call, who called you?
I dont want to be the rebound- thats no good.
Maybe I should nip this in the bud, stop it before I go all crazy over it.
Too late
I want to know everything, tell me everything.
Friends, partners, lovers. Thats what I want.
What do you want?
I want to know everything about everyone and anything.
I want to know why you had a good 7am wake up call, who called you?
I dont want to be the rebound- thats no good.
Maybe I should nip this in the bud, stop it before I go all crazy over it.
Too late
I want to know everything, tell me everything.
Friends, partners, lovers. Thats what I want.
What do you want?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Blunt
Yep, all it took was one night and I am head over heels again.
But at the same time, I feel our dynamic has changed, who knows, maybe im just making it up because I want it to be true.
Time to step lightly, move slowly.
I can do this, I can get through this.
He doesnt get the power in all this
I do, its my life, its my choice
I dont care if he calls me a tease
or a jerk
If this is going somewhere
I get to make the important decisions
And if he doesnt like it,
well, it wont go anywhere now will it?
But at the same time, I feel our dynamic has changed, who knows, maybe im just making it up because I want it to be true.
Time to step lightly, move slowly.
I can do this, I can get through this.
He doesnt get the power in all this
I do, its my life, its my choice
I dont care if he calls me a tease
or a jerk
If this is going somewhere
I get to make the important decisions
And if he doesnt like it,
well, it wont go anywhere now will it?
Friday, October 08, 2010
Mixed Signals
I know he wasnt drunk. I know I wasnt drunk.
So why was he nuzzling me like we were dating?
Why?
I told him he wasnt playing fair, I told him it was a jerky move.
Because even though he was nuzzling on me, I am pretty sure we are still in the same place we have been for over a year- friends. Thats it. Thats all.
So why the hell is he nuzzling me?
Yes, I am over thinking this, but dang it, no boy nuzzles me, ever, so I have a right to think about it too much.
Nuzzling my neck, my ear, stroking my face, kissing my neck, my cheek. It was like we were living in a Christian Romance novel, and it was awesome, amazing. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces in that moment that fit together just right.
But at the end of the day, I know he doesnt feel the same way, hes barely talked to me all day. We should have talked about it before he left. We need to draw some lines.
Emotionally, I cant handle the teasing, the nuzzling and then nothing- its not fair to me.
Either you want me or you dont, you dont get to have things both ways. So pal, make up your mind!
So why was he nuzzling me like we were dating?
Why?
I told him he wasnt playing fair, I told him it was a jerky move.
Because even though he was nuzzling on me, I am pretty sure we are still in the same place we have been for over a year- friends. Thats it. Thats all.
So why the hell is he nuzzling me?
Yes, I am over thinking this, but dang it, no boy nuzzles me, ever, so I have a right to think about it too much.
Nuzzling my neck, my ear, stroking my face, kissing my neck, my cheek. It was like we were living in a Christian Romance novel, and it was awesome, amazing. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces in that moment that fit together just right.
But at the end of the day, I know he doesnt feel the same way, hes barely talked to me all day. We should have talked about it before he left. We need to draw some lines.
Emotionally, I cant handle the teasing, the nuzzling and then nothing- its not fair to me.
Either you want me or you dont, you dont get to have things both ways. So pal, make up your mind!
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