I know I talk about it A LOT, and for those who keep listening I say thanks, and I'm sorry. I mean this has truly become an obsession for me. It has been a slow, lifelong progression though. Basketball, yes thats it. I mean sure there are other parts of my obsession, but really it comes back to basketball. I even went out and bought one the other day and I dont even play, but I just keep coming back to it. Sure I like other sports too, but basketball is my favorite. And sure there is the one player that has helped me with this obsession, but still its the smell of the gym, the sound of the dribbling and the swish of the net, the jerseys, the yelling and the coach's dance that really make me happy. And honestly it kind of amazes me that I havent gotten tired of it yet. Its like a high, its amazing and I have such a good time with it. Sometimes the best thing too, is having the players and people around the team recognize me. I feel as if I have gone my life with out really being noticed and so when people notice me it THRILLS me, to no end. I guess I just express myself through this blog because though I am thrilled by basketball I know my friends arent and so I try to think of them- and try NOT to bore them to death. I really hope that I find someone to share my love of the game with, whether its just a friend or more, at this point it doesnt matter, I just want to absorb myself with basketball. And though it might sound kind of petty- its seeing the game live that makes it all the better, though as I have said before, having it on as background noise on the TV is also pretty soothing.
Basketball is my beautiful disaster- but I am ok with that. The game is the beautiful part, the disaster part is not being able to fully share it with the person that I want to share it with. So heres to looking forward and looking for that person. :)
Monday, February 23, 2009
Less Distracted
Just wanted to report that the first thing on my mind this morning was Calculus, apparently I am back to normal, well, as normal as I can be. I know that I was having good dreams last night but the roommates phone alarm promptly woke me up and all memories of good dreams flew away from me head. But it is ok. I was able to finish my calculus homework and hopefully I can go to the board for extra credit on the test that is later this week. I will continue my Panera runs- though I am slowing down on the amount that I spend there, I am running short on money- going to Indiana didnt help, although I only had to put $26 in the tank for the round trip- THAT was exciting!
I guess I dont really have that much to write other than I had a great weekend, even if I was fairly distracted and I am ready to be back in the groove of school work. I just have to get through 2 more full weeks of class, 2 tests and then its spring break, and I can go home and let my tongue hang out for a day or two, but then I gotta study- well that and watch basketball! :)
I am saddened that basketball season is almost over, but I am thrilled for the start of baseball. Anyway, thats all I will ramble about today- gotte head to class!
I guess I dont really have that much to write other than I had a great weekend, even if I was fairly distracted and I am ready to be back in the groove of school work. I just have to get through 2 more full weeks of class, 2 tests and then its spring break, and I can go home and let my tongue hang out for a day or two, but then I gotta study- well that and watch basketball! :)
I am saddened that basketball season is almost over, but I am thrilled for the start of baseball. Anyway, thats all I will ramble about today- gotte head to class!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Roadtrip aftermath
Yesterday, my roomie, a friend of ours and I drove 4 hours to go see our basketball team play. I had a blast, the drive up wasnt great fun though- I do believe that is the worst weather I have ever driven through, it got snowy and icey pretty darn fast. But we made it there safe- and I am a pretty safe driver- I am really glad I was driving, though I was not happy about the weather I think I may have ahd a panic attack if someone else was driving- I know that sounds weird, but its me :). Anyway got to see the last 10:37 minutes of the girls game- they won- YAY. And got to move down to the lower level- front row, right behind our team for the guys game. There were a few other students that made the drive but mostly we were surrounded by parents. Parents are my favorite- I just love how intense they are, and I love how much the players of our team respect and love their parents, its priceless. After the game we stayed to congratulate players and then back in the road for the 4 hour drive home. The drive home was much better than the drive up!
I think I dreamt of lots of basketball things last night because when I woke up this morning I had the Saint on my mind. It was the first coherent thought that I had this morning, and I honestly cant think of a time where that has ever happened to me before, and it threw me off, so thus my whole day has been off. I have been experiencing LOTS of different emotions from jealousy, to excitement, guilt and sadness. Its almost too much to handle. But life goes on and so must I.
I am so glad that we get to host the tourney this weekend but gosh I have had this weekend planned out since before Christmas, so trying to fit in other basketball games is NUTS! I will do what I can and I must not feel guilty for missing a game- no matter how big it is, my mom is more important than any basketball game, and thus so is spending time with her. But I will admit it wont be easy for me to turn off my basketball brain, so I KNOW I will be thinking about how we are doing during Mamma Mia. And missing this game will mean missing only my third home game ALL season. But even when I missed those games- I did watch them on the internet! Next year will be a bigger year for me. I really hope to go to more away games- those mini roadtrips are fun. And maybe just maybe next year I will be traveling with the team- working on stats. One can always hope- I mean that would be freaking awesome!
On to other things- I was reading the partial copy of Midnight Sun that is on Stephenie Meyer's website- its Edwards version of Twilight (It wasnt helpful to my disorganized mood today) but one of the things that caught my eye was: Reckless Angel. I really liked this term and I have applied it to myself as well as the Saint- kind of subconsciously. Sometimes I feel reckless in my feelings and I know I cant necessarily pick and choose the people I fall for- I mean if that were true then I would definitely NOT have picked the Saint. And I dont mean to sound full of myself, but I am, for the most part a good person that makes good decisions and thus thats where the Angel part comes in. And then turning it around to the Saint: Reckles in some of the decisions that he makes, but still he is an Angel in my eyes, and I honestly cant help it. As I said before, if I could help it then he wouldnt be the object of my attention- not because hes not worthy, but because he is already taken, in what seems to be a fairly happy relationship.
I guess I just dont get it. I dont really get people, and I dont always understand myself. Why would someone who plays the game of basketball with all his heart fall for and be with someone who clearly doesnt really love the game. Is it that opposites attract, or is it that at this point its comfortable? And then at the same time, its not my place to be privy to such details. Its not my life, and I usually dont care what others do with their lives, as long as it doesnt effect me and this shouldnt be any different, but for some reason it is different. I cant tell you why, maybe because he is the person that I have fallen for most recently, and I want him to be happy? But then he IS happy- at least on the outside. So why to I feel protective? I feel as if I mean more to him than I actually do, and I feel as if he deserves better. Maybe thats true- but then again why am I so judgemental over this girl that he obviously is happy with. See I keep going in circles! UGH
I suppose the next topic of blogging conversation here is the sorority issue- tomorrow they will vote on my voluntary probation. And I will be free, for the rest of the semester, I mean I have to go to one event a month but other than that Im free. Then in May I meet with the standards committee again to decide whether I am to return or whether I am done for good. This probation period couldnt come soon enough.
And lastly- still wondering who the stats person is, you know the one that brought me the stats after the basketball game last week? Apparently you read this, so maybe I can get a copy of the stats on Saturday?- assuming we win Friday- I would ask for the Friday stats but I am not going to be at the game- see above. And your name- since I missed it the first time, can you tell me again?! :)
Thats it for now, ~Reckless Angel.
I think I dreamt of lots of basketball things last night because when I woke up this morning I had the Saint on my mind. It was the first coherent thought that I had this morning, and I honestly cant think of a time where that has ever happened to me before, and it threw me off, so thus my whole day has been off. I have been experiencing LOTS of different emotions from jealousy, to excitement, guilt and sadness. Its almost too much to handle. But life goes on and so must I.
I am so glad that we get to host the tourney this weekend but gosh I have had this weekend planned out since before Christmas, so trying to fit in other basketball games is NUTS! I will do what I can and I must not feel guilty for missing a game- no matter how big it is, my mom is more important than any basketball game, and thus so is spending time with her. But I will admit it wont be easy for me to turn off my basketball brain, so I KNOW I will be thinking about how we are doing during Mamma Mia. And missing this game will mean missing only my third home game ALL season. But even when I missed those games- I did watch them on the internet! Next year will be a bigger year for me. I really hope to go to more away games- those mini roadtrips are fun. And maybe just maybe next year I will be traveling with the team- working on stats. One can always hope- I mean that would be freaking awesome!
On to other things- I was reading the partial copy of Midnight Sun that is on Stephenie Meyer's website- its Edwards version of Twilight (It wasnt helpful to my disorganized mood today) but one of the things that caught my eye was: Reckless Angel. I really liked this term and I have applied it to myself as well as the Saint- kind of subconsciously. Sometimes I feel reckless in my feelings and I know I cant necessarily pick and choose the people I fall for- I mean if that were true then I would definitely NOT have picked the Saint. And I dont mean to sound full of myself, but I am, for the most part a good person that makes good decisions and thus thats where the Angel part comes in. And then turning it around to the Saint: Reckles in some of the decisions that he makes, but still he is an Angel in my eyes, and I honestly cant help it. As I said before, if I could help it then he wouldnt be the object of my attention- not because hes not worthy, but because he is already taken, in what seems to be a fairly happy relationship.
I guess I just dont get it. I dont really get people, and I dont always understand myself. Why would someone who plays the game of basketball with all his heart fall for and be with someone who clearly doesnt really love the game. Is it that opposites attract, or is it that at this point its comfortable? And then at the same time, its not my place to be privy to such details. Its not my life, and I usually dont care what others do with their lives, as long as it doesnt effect me and this shouldnt be any different, but for some reason it is different. I cant tell you why, maybe because he is the person that I have fallen for most recently, and I want him to be happy? But then he IS happy- at least on the outside. So why to I feel protective? I feel as if I mean more to him than I actually do, and I feel as if he deserves better. Maybe thats true- but then again why am I so judgemental over this girl that he obviously is happy with. See I keep going in circles! UGH
I suppose the next topic of blogging conversation here is the sorority issue- tomorrow they will vote on my voluntary probation. And I will be free, for the rest of the semester, I mean I have to go to one event a month but other than that Im free. Then in May I meet with the standards committee again to decide whether I am to return or whether I am done for good. This probation period couldnt come soon enough.
And lastly- still wondering who the stats person is, you know the one that brought me the stats after the basketball game last week? Apparently you read this, so maybe I can get a copy of the stats on Saturday?- assuming we win Friday- I would ask for the Friday stats but I am not going to be at the game- see above. And your name- since I missed it the first time, can you tell me again?! :)
Thats it for now, ~Reckless Angel.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Touched.
I have had almost the best night of my life- sorry traveling still is better than this, but it takes a REAL close second. First, my wonderful roomie got to the game early to save me my seat. It really made me happy. And my brother got to at least see part of the game online- which also really made me happy.
Then we won our game. And what a great birthday present to one of our player's mom! And it was Senior night, which made it more bittersweet. I was sitting beside Joey's grandfather, who is 93. It made me smile that he was there to cheer on his grandson.
So the real highlights of the night come after the game is over, I have gotten into the habit of staying after the game to talk to Matt or other players and so I was talking to the mom's whos birthday it was and this person came up to me "Are you Jessie?" hmm, "Yea" and he hands me the stats from the game, the official stats. And said that he had heard that I take the stats and thought that I might like to compare or whatever. I was awed, touched and impressed. Apparently he read about my stats obsession here on this blog. And if you are reading now, Im sorry, I think you told me your name, but I dont remember what it was- honestly I was so impressed with the whole stats thing that anything you said really flew out of my head! I am very touched that you read my blog, and then found me and brought me the stats. Thank you!
And lastly I had a conversation with the Saint, it wasnt much but it was SOMETHING.. it thrilled me- what was it about you ask? Basketball stats, what else?! HAHA.
Anyway- I am off to bed. But heres to basketball stats! :)
Then we won our game. And what a great birthday present to one of our player's mom! And it was Senior night, which made it more bittersweet. I was sitting beside Joey's grandfather, who is 93. It made me smile that he was there to cheer on his grandson.
So the real highlights of the night come after the game is over, I have gotten into the habit of staying after the game to talk to Matt or other players and so I was talking to the mom's whos birthday it was and this person came up to me "Are you Jessie?" hmm, "Yea" and he hands me the stats from the game, the official stats. And said that he had heard that I take the stats and thought that I might like to compare or whatever. I was awed, touched and impressed. Apparently he read about my stats obsession here on this blog. And if you are reading now, Im sorry, I think you told me your name, but I dont remember what it was- honestly I was so impressed with the whole stats thing that anything you said really flew out of my head! I am very touched that you read my blog, and then found me and brought me the stats. Thank you!
And lastly I had a conversation with the Saint, it wasnt much but it was SOMETHING.. it thrilled me- what was it about you ask? Basketball stats, what else?! HAHA.
Anyway- I am off to bed. But heres to basketball stats! :)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Needing vs. Wanting
Today a friend and I have been discussing guys, how we feel about specific ones and all that good stuff. So some of the highlights of things that we discussed.
AS far as wanting a guy: "Just any guy isnt the answer. I think we want to need somoen. I have never needed a man, but I'd like to love someone enough to need them because that has never happened to me. I want a best friend and everything." To add to that "I dont NEED a guy- my mom raised me to be happy on my own but I do really want a guy. I companion. Its how my parents are and I want that so bad. A friend, a companion. Its important to me."
Those are just some of the feelings that we shared today and I dont want them to go into the deep darkness of a memory- I want to be able to recall them at any point.
Another conversation that I had today that I wanted to share. It was between a friend and myself, he is a basketball player, from TN. So since UK is playing Vandy I asked if he was rooting for UK or Vandy. And he said: "I'd have to go with Vandy for their core academics and rigorous criteria for which they stress upon their student body.Not to mention its in TN."
It just made me smile and I thought it was clever. (Smartass!)
AS far as wanting a guy: "Just any guy isnt the answer. I think we want to need somoen. I have never needed a man, but I'd like to love someone enough to need them because that has never happened to me. I want a best friend and everything." To add to that "I dont NEED a guy- my mom raised me to be happy on my own but I do really want a guy. I companion. Its how my parents are and I want that so bad. A friend, a companion. Its important to me."
Those are just some of the feelings that we shared today and I dont want them to go into the deep darkness of a memory- I want to be able to recall them at any point.
Another conversation that I had today that I wanted to share. It was between a friend and myself, he is a basketball player, from TN. So since UK is playing Vandy I asked if he was rooting for UK or Vandy. And he said: "I'd have to go with Vandy for their core academics and rigorous criteria for which they stress upon their student body.Not to mention its in TN."
It just made me smile and I thought it was clever. (Smartass!)
Monday, February 16, 2009
Promises
So I bought some Dove Caramal Milk Chocolate yesterday- half off thanks to it being the day after Valentine's Day. :) Anyway they are Dove Promises- the ones that have great little messages on the inside, and I really like some of hte messages, so I am going to share them here, on my blog.
Chocolate Always Lovs you Back.
Share a Sunset.
The Best Things in Life are Chocolate.
Make Someone Melt Today.
Listen with your heart.
Share a Secret.
Savor small romantic moments.
Be a little mysterious.
Linger over chocolate longer
Chocolate. Always your Valentine.
Sleep under the stars tonight.
Trust with your heart, not your head.
Believe in those you love.
Exercise your heart today.
Go where your heart takes you.
Hold hands firmly, hearts gently.
Remember your first crush.
Laugh until you heart overflows.
Chocolate Always Lovs you Back.
Share a Sunset.
The Best Things in Life are Chocolate.
Make Someone Melt Today.
Listen with your heart.
Share a Secret.
Savor small romantic moments.
Be a little mysterious.
Linger over chocolate longer
Chocolate. Always your Valentine.
Sleep under the stars tonight.
Trust with your heart, not your head.
Believe in those you love.
Exercise your heart today.
Go where your heart takes you.
Hold hands firmly, hearts gently.
Remember your first crush.
Laugh until you heart overflows.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
That song in my head
Its silly and I feel stupid, really. I mean its not even THAT worth it, hes just a boy, and Im just a girl and I shouldnt be so damn head over heels. He is taken, which makes it worse. I first saw him about a year ago and REALLY admired the way that he plays the game- he has a passion that I have NEVER seen before, and I have seen lots of displays of passion for the game. From there its just gotten worse. Not only is he a great player, but he also is a good student and majoring in the same thing as me. I even have a class with him this semester, which is awesome, well it would be if we talked at all. I am so freaking shy that its silly, almost comical even. I can now talk to him on facebook- GREAT, but talking to him in person still just doesnt happen, its not like I havent tried, I have even gotten up to walk over to where he was to say something, but words dont come out of my mouth, or he is talking on his phone- sometimes both. I need to find a better way to waste my time- but having said that, it doesnt happen, sure I study and thats good- and probably not a waste of my time, and I watch movies, and I watch basketball, and I hang out with my friends but still hes there in the back of my mind. SO FRUSTRATING. Why cant I fall for someone that I acutally have a chance with, someone who isnt taken- but perfect just the same? I guess because they are all taken. And how can I convince myself that I would do just fine if he was my friend? I mean lets be reasonable- thats all I am gonna be able to get out of this infactuation, but yet I still cant say real words to the boy.
I guess for now, I am allowed to get a high when he talks to me on facebook, and tells me that I am not nuts- fan is a better word! Or when he tells me that I am not bothering him with my question that I have about the homework. Yes, I guess for now I live for those moments.
Maybe I will find my REAL happy ending. Haha. :)
I guess for now, I am allowed to get a high when he talks to me on facebook, and tells me that I am not nuts- fan is a better word! Or when he tells me that I am not bothering him with my question that I have about the homework. Yes, I guess for now I live for those moments.
Maybe I will find my REAL happy ending. Haha. :)
Monday, February 09, 2009
White Horse
(The title refers to Taylor Swift's new song, not an actual white horse)
So much runs through my head on a daily basis. Everything from clothes, to how my friends are doing- what struggles they might have on a given day (meaning tests and such), how my roomie is doing and what I can do to help her out- she has a broken wrist, what I need to get done in classes, how I can approach different situations, what will make me happy today, how Transy's basketball team is doing- and replays of certain games, to my family- what each individual in the family is doing and what I can do to make them happier- or at least feel supported. And then there are times throughout the day where my mind is just plain blank, maybe I am subconsciously thinking of many things but nothing is on the top of my mind. This happens quite a bit, its like I am thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Lastly there are the times where whatever I was just thinking of got totally erased from my brain- most recently this happens when a particular person makes eye contact with me, and its really frustrating. I want to have coherent thoughts, and even speak coherently- luckily I havent had to think much about my responses because said person (lets call him Clark) and I dont have many talking events. Oh well, thats a gist of what goes through my brain at a given time.
I am happier today than I have been in a while. I had a great time at home this past weekend, went to the circus for the first time ever in my life; I had a lot of family time- which was great. I love my family. I am even more worried about my neices now, and my brother. I think something is happening there, I dont think that my sister-in-law is around much, which isnt a good thing. You know, at least for me when you get married you want to be with someone that wants to spend time with you, and it doesnt have to be a lot of time, but I just dont see that with my brother. It seems that he is already a single father- but she just still lives there. I mean the girls have learned how to and actually do fix each others hair- sure thats fun for dress up time, but not to go out in public when the girls are 6 and 4 years old. Anyway, back to my being happier- I am not going to my sorority meeting tonight and I just want to JUMP for joy. I go in front of the standards board tomorrow to discuss my probation, and I think at the end of the semester I will go and ask for voluntary suspension- but one step at a time. And to top off my happy mood I heard from a friend that is halfway around the world- in Ethiopia. Its always nice to hear from him and his family, and I have gotten 2 emails in 2 months! Almost a record, haha. He isnt very good at the whole email/facebook thing. But its ok, because sporadic contact is MUCH better than no contact whatsoever.
There is one other thing that is contributing to the happy Jessie. Mom and I went and saw "Hes just not that into you" the other day and parts were dumb but the end message was virtually that everyone deserves to be happy, and sometimes being happy is just being able to be yourself- with or without a significant other. And then after that mom and I had a good discussion about love and such, and once we got home we pulled out moms old diaries which she is letting me read. They start when she was 10, then skip to when she turned 14 and are consecutive for about 10 years. Its really interesting reading what she had to say as a 11 and 14 year old (I havent gotten past those diaries yet) and how much I can relate to what she was feeling then, with what I feel now. No two people are the same, but it is nice to see similarities of our "obsessive" crushes so that I can see how she dealt with it, and maybe learn something from her- or rather her 14 year old self.
Lastly, to cover the title of this post. Taylor Swift's song White Horse talks about how life isnt a fairy tale and how she isnt a princess and ends basically by telling the "prince" that its too late for him and his white horse to save her now. Basically its a story about a girl who was waiting in prince charming, but he didnt show up in a timely manner, so she saved herself. I feel like I am getting to that point. I dont need a prince charming, I just need to believe in myself.
So much runs through my head on a daily basis. Everything from clothes, to how my friends are doing- what struggles they might have on a given day (meaning tests and such), how my roomie is doing and what I can do to help her out- she has a broken wrist, what I need to get done in classes, how I can approach different situations, what will make me happy today, how Transy's basketball team is doing- and replays of certain games, to my family- what each individual in the family is doing and what I can do to make them happier- or at least feel supported. And then there are times throughout the day where my mind is just plain blank, maybe I am subconsciously thinking of many things but nothing is on the top of my mind. This happens quite a bit, its like I am thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Lastly there are the times where whatever I was just thinking of got totally erased from my brain- most recently this happens when a particular person makes eye contact with me, and its really frustrating. I want to have coherent thoughts, and even speak coherently- luckily I havent had to think much about my responses because said person (lets call him Clark) and I dont have many talking events. Oh well, thats a gist of what goes through my brain at a given time.
I am happier today than I have been in a while. I had a great time at home this past weekend, went to the circus for the first time ever in my life; I had a lot of family time- which was great. I love my family. I am even more worried about my neices now, and my brother. I think something is happening there, I dont think that my sister-in-law is around much, which isnt a good thing. You know, at least for me when you get married you want to be with someone that wants to spend time with you, and it doesnt have to be a lot of time, but I just dont see that with my brother. It seems that he is already a single father- but she just still lives there. I mean the girls have learned how to and actually do fix each others hair- sure thats fun for dress up time, but not to go out in public when the girls are 6 and 4 years old. Anyway, back to my being happier- I am not going to my sorority meeting tonight and I just want to JUMP for joy. I go in front of the standards board tomorrow to discuss my probation, and I think at the end of the semester I will go and ask for voluntary suspension- but one step at a time. And to top off my happy mood I heard from a friend that is halfway around the world- in Ethiopia. Its always nice to hear from him and his family, and I have gotten 2 emails in 2 months! Almost a record, haha. He isnt very good at the whole email/facebook thing. But its ok, because sporadic contact is MUCH better than no contact whatsoever.
There is one other thing that is contributing to the happy Jessie. Mom and I went and saw "Hes just not that into you" the other day and parts were dumb but the end message was virtually that everyone deserves to be happy, and sometimes being happy is just being able to be yourself- with or without a significant other. And then after that mom and I had a good discussion about love and such, and once we got home we pulled out moms old diaries which she is letting me read. They start when she was 10, then skip to when she turned 14 and are consecutive for about 10 years. Its really interesting reading what she had to say as a 11 and 14 year old (I havent gotten past those diaries yet) and how much I can relate to what she was feeling then, with what I feel now. No two people are the same, but it is nice to see similarities of our "obsessive" crushes so that I can see how she dealt with it, and maybe learn something from her- or rather her 14 year old self.
Lastly, to cover the title of this post. Taylor Swift's song White Horse talks about how life isnt a fairy tale and how she isnt a princess and ends basically by telling the "prince" that its too late for him and his white horse to save her now. Basically its a story about a girl who was waiting in prince charming, but he didnt show up in a timely manner, so she saved herself. I feel like I am getting to that point. I dont need a prince charming, I just need to believe in myself.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Love affair with Basketball
This is not a poem, but rather the story, or how I remember it of how I have come to my current love affair of the sport.
No matter what mood I am in, whether good or bad, happy or sad, basketball calms me down, brings me to a place where nothing else matters in that moment other than the game. The sound of the ball bouncing against the hardwood just penetrates my body and I get sucked into the game, or if its on TV, its the perfect backhground noise because it keeps me calm. And it isnt just the basketball hitting hardwood that is a good sound, I grew up with the noise of a basketball hitting all surfaces, the wall, the concrete, or just the floor, the sound the ball makes as someone catches a pass, or the sound of Chris' laughter as he tries to keep the ball away from Abbey. Its what I grew up with, what I know and its just soothing. For as long as I can remember I have been around the game, but I think my first memories come from when Jimmy and Chris were playing on the team called the Suns and Dad was their coach, I know this wasnt my first experience of basketball teams and indoor courts but thats the first memory. I remember basketball games between my parents and my brothers as the day was winding down during warm weather. I think those games happened maybe once a week. But SO funny, even my childish memory of the games was that everyone was having fun. I remember Chris getting hurt while playing a pick up game on our concrete court with his friend Joey. He sprained his ankle and because of my mom's work schedule with the doctor's schedule Chris and I spent a day or two in the basement of my kindergarden teacher's house watching TV. Then Chris and Jimmy were coaches for their brothers' team. This happened about the same time that I decided to try out ball for myself. They werent my official coaches though, but I did go to their practices so that I could learn more. So the 1 year that I played ball I had practice twice a week- Tuesdays and Fridays if I remember correctly and then I went to Jimmy and Chris' practices for their team on Wednesdays, I think. And of course I had my dad giving me pointers too. So I more or less had 4 coaches, and I was the tallest player on the team by like 8+ inches. We had a losing season and I was the leading scorer, but I didnt like having so many coaches, so I didnt sign up for another season. My next memories are of watching my brothers play with their friends on Thursday nights. And them playing in an adult league. Jimmy then started coaching for the middle school that I went to, he was just an assistant coach while I was there, but hes been head coach now for 5 or more years- I think. In high school I went to a catholic school freshman year, but I went to as many games for the public school (where I ended up) as I could. Even went to a tournament where both teams were playing, and ended up spending they day with my friends on the public school team. The coach even let me go with them on the bus to get food. Too bad I was supporting the catholic school, and not the public school. Even if I did get made fun of that day, it was a great way to spend time with some of the people that I can still call friends. Then Jimmy taught me how to do the official scorer's books for his middle school team. And I did that for 3 years. For extra practice I would do the books for his adult league as well, and had a good time with that. I like doing books better when I am not the official bookkeeper! But either way, its fun. So, during high school my basketball life consisted of me going to as many of my high school's games, as well as going to all of the games for the team that my brother coaches, and the games for the team that both brothers play for. I did books for the latter two, and was involved, though unofficially with the high school team, helping out during tournaments and such.
UK basketball has also always been a constant in my life. The first players that I really remember though are Keith Bogans and Gerald Fitch- I honestly loved those guys! HAHA. Keith was number 10 and Fitch 4. (Yup there goes my random number memory.) My family got season tickets to UK basketball when I was in high school (it was my idea to send all our names in for the lottery drawing), and my brothers split up the games between the three of us, and dad goes to ALMOST every game, there the occasional that he doesnt go to, but still. I got super obsessed with the UK program during high school.
Then comes college. I was really homesick my first year at Transy, going home every weekend and even sometimes during the week. And during basketball season, I got to see a fair amount of my brothers coaching outings as well as almost all of the games for the adult league, and then I discovered Transy's basketball team. I dont know what game was my first, but 1 was all it took and I was hooked. I went to as many of the rest of the games in the season that I could and I started counting down to the first game BEFORE we came back to Lexington from summer vacation. And I have been to all but 2 homes games, I missed 1 because I was out of the country and I missed the other because I couldnt get my plans set in time for the game. I even gave up my ticket to a UK game this year to go to a Transy game. I also started my own stats sheet, and I have been taking stats for the last 5-6 games. I keep track of field goals (missed and hit), 3 pointers, free throws, rebounds, assists, turnovers, blocks, steals, and fouls. I am not quite perfect at these yet, but I am getting better, and with helpful hints from basketball players/ my brother I am only going to get better! My next goal, is to keep a shot chart, something I havent ever attempted, we shall see. Jimmy says I cant do it all, but I can at least TRY it all! I may be crazy, but to me this is fun. :)
No matter what mood I am in, whether good or bad, happy or sad, basketball calms me down, brings me to a place where nothing else matters in that moment other than the game. The sound of the ball bouncing against the hardwood just penetrates my body and I get sucked into the game, or if its on TV, its the perfect backhground noise because it keeps me calm. And it isnt just the basketball hitting hardwood that is a good sound, I grew up with the noise of a basketball hitting all surfaces, the wall, the concrete, or just the floor, the sound the ball makes as someone catches a pass, or the sound of Chris' laughter as he tries to keep the ball away from Abbey. Its what I grew up with, what I know and its just soothing. For as long as I can remember I have been around the game, but I think my first memories come from when Jimmy and Chris were playing on the team called the Suns and Dad was their coach, I know this wasnt my first experience of basketball teams and indoor courts but thats the first memory. I remember basketball games between my parents and my brothers as the day was winding down during warm weather. I think those games happened maybe once a week. But SO funny, even my childish memory of the games was that everyone was having fun. I remember Chris getting hurt while playing a pick up game on our concrete court with his friend Joey. He sprained his ankle and because of my mom's work schedule with the doctor's schedule Chris and I spent a day or two in the basement of my kindergarden teacher's house watching TV. Then Chris and Jimmy were coaches for their brothers' team. This happened about the same time that I decided to try out ball for myself. They werent my official coaches though, but I did go to their practices so that I could learn more. So the 1 year that I played ball I had practice twice a week- Tuesdays and Fridays if I remember correctly and then I went to Jimmy and Chris' practices for their team on Wednesdays, I think. And of course I had my dad giving me pointers too. So I more or less had 4 coaches, and I was the tallest player on the team by like 8+ inches. We had a losing season and I was the leading scorer, but I didnt like having so many coaches, so I didnt sign up for another season. My next memories are of watching my brothers play with their friends on Thursday nights. And them playing in an adult league. Jimmy then started coaching for the middle school that I went to, he was just an assistant coach while I was there, but hes been head coach now for 5 or more years- I think. In high school I went to a catholic school freshman year, but I went to as many games for the public school (where I ended up) as I could. Even went to a tournament where both teams were playing, and ended up spending they day with my friends on the public school team. The coach even let me go with them on the bus to get food. Too bad I was supporting the catholic school, and not the public school. Even if I did get made fun of that day, it was a great way to spend time with some of the people that I can still call friends. Then Jimmy taught me how to do the official scorer's books for his middle school team. And I did that for 3 years. For extra practice I would do the books for his adult league as well, and had a good time with that. I like doing books better when I am not the official bookkeeper! But either way, its fun. So, during high school my basketball life consisted of me going to as many of my high school's games, as well as going to all of the games for the team that my brother coaches, and the games for the team that both brothers play for. I did books for the latter two, and was involved, though unofficially with the high school team, helping out during tournaments and such.
UK basketball has also always been a constant in my life. The first players that I really remember though are Keith Bogans and Gerald Fitch- I honestly loved those guys! HAHA. Keith was number 10 and Fitch 4. (Yup there goes my random number memory.) My family got season tickets to UK basketball when I was in high school (it was my idea to send all our names in for the lottery drawing), and my brothers split up the games between the three of us, and dad goes to ALMOST every game, there the occasional that he doesnt go to, but still. I got super obsessed with the UK program during high school.
Then comes college. I was really homesick my first year at Transy, going home every weekend and even sometimes during the week. And during basketball season, I got to see a fair amount of my brothers coaching outings as well as almost all of the games for the adult league, and then I discovered Transy's basketball team. I dont know what game was my first, but 1 was all it took and I was hooked. I went to as many of the rest of the games in the season that I could and I started counting down to the first game BEFORE we came back to Lexington from summer vacation. And I have been to all but 2 homes games, I missed 1 because I was out of the country and I missed the other because I couldnt get my plans set in time for the game. I even gave up my ticket to a UK game this year to go to a Transy game. I also started my own stats sheet, and I have been taking stats for the last 5-6 games. I keep track of field goals (missed and hit), 3 pointers, free throws, rebounds, assists, turnovers, blocks, steals, and fouls. I am not quite perfect at these yet, but I am getting better, and with helpful hints from basketball players/ my brother I am only going to get better! My next goal, is to keep a shot chart, something I havent ever attempted, we shall see. Jimmy says I cant do it all, but I can at least TRY it all! I may be crazy, but to me this is fun. :)
Self confidence
I think part of my problem in life is a lack of self-confidencs. Sure I get through life just fine but I am almost ALWAYS turning to people for direction, I still make my own decisions in the end but I really do depend on others, and after the past week I think I just dont have a true feeling of security/confidence in myself. I will start with the reasons that I think this statement is true, and then I might brainstorm some ways that this can be fixed. Here goes.
1. Yesterday, my brother was in Lexington so that we could go to a UK game together. I felt as if I talked way too much and annoyed him. Granted I talked mostly about basketball but I talked more about Transy's basketball than UK's basketball. And I tried to slow down, but I didnt feel as if it worked. So after he left, and had time to get home I apoligized for talking sooo much, and he said "I didnt think you talked too much, I am proud of you for all that you do, and especially your love of basketball." WOW was my intuition OFF. I mean GEEZ, I didnt annoy him one bit, no hes proud of me?! That was my wake-up call.
2. My mind keeps convincing me that the Transy basketball team would be weirded out by the fact that I do my own set of stats at every game that I attend. But last week after the game I talked to one of the players- after his mom introduced him to my roomie and myself, he has talked to us after every game, real sweet guy (name is Matt). Anyway he was talking how they always play a close game with Hanover, and I started talking about how in the first meeting of Hanover this year they lost by a last second (almost literally) foul and how the team made their 2 free throws and thats what messed us up last time. And then I apoligized for knowing and remembering the things about the game. He laughed and said "No, its fine. Its really cool that you are so dedicated." And that stuck with me, maybe they dont all think I am weird because I take stats. Maybe, just maybe they think its neat, how many fans, that arent related take stats, just for the heck of it? (I know some parents took stats for their kids, at least in high school. I honestly havent noticed if people do it for the Transy games, mostly because I sit FRONT ROW center!)
3. The last way I feel that I am more dependant that independant sometimes is because I am always asking for opinions about what I should do about things, granted I dont always listen to what the people say but I do feel as if I mmake my hard decisions with the help of my friends rather all on my own.
And now, for brainstorming- yay brainstorming.
I need to work at convincing myself that really, honestly, what I do is for me, and those who are weirded out by it wont talk to me but those who either think it is neat or dont care one way or another will still talk to me, and thats a GOOD thing. Its all about being yourself, and I have let loose since coming to Transy, letting people see the real me, but I still feel as if SOMETHING is being held back.
My intuition isnt always right, I mean look at how WRONG I was in reading my brother. Maybe its deep down that I feel that what I do SHOULD be weird so I perceive that it is weird where others think its neat.
And I think a big thing, is that I need to be smart about my decisions, sure its ok to get input from friends, but not for EVERY little decision. And things dont always have to be disected, meaning that every conversation that I have with the Saint, or anyone that Im attracted to doesnt need to be taken apart piece by piece. Sometimes its good to take things at face value and go with the flow.
I wrote the other day about what it would take to make me happy, and though I am still working on that, I did have a couple of happy days. We had a snow day and the ice/snow that made the snow day made me happy, even though I slipped and fell right on my butt and now have a pretty purple bruise. Wednesday we had NO classes, and I got to play in the snow/ice ALL day, with I couple of breaks to warm up. My knees are bruised from trying to run and slide, which turned into run and thwack! And snowball fights! One of my basketball player buddies came out and actually threw a snowball at me, it was funny, he was TOO far off but it made my day. Thursday was a good day too, the only thing that I had to do was my calculus test, which wasnt necessarily a fun thing, but it wasnt too terrible and Im definitely glad that it is over. And because of the weather the basketball game got moved from Wed. to Thursday, which for some reason really made me happy. And then after the basketball game got to talk to Matt a little and the Saint waved at me AND talked to me, it was thrilling, and I was on a high the rest of the night. Friday wasnt super exciting, but it was nice. My poor roomie hurt herself on Friday, falling and possibly breaking her wrist, and then she took her pain meds on an empty stomach, which made her high, and very HAPPY! And I got to talk to the Saint a little, its getting easier and easier, which is nice. We have little 5 minute conversations here and there, which is all it takes to keep me happy. LOL. Maybe we can be friends afterall, hopefully. Yesterday was nice because I got to see my brother. I cant even tell you how much I miss my family. Dont get me wrong I absolutely LOVE Transy and Lexington and think that this was the right decision for me, but that doesnt mean that its less hard for me to stay away for extended periods of time.
So I guess thats about it. Im learning to value my own judgement, not to take things so seriously and living one day at a time, for all its worth.
1. Yesterday, my brother was in Lexington so that we could go to a UK game together. I felt as if I talked way too much and annoyed him. Granted I talked mostly about basketball but I talked more about Transy's basketball than UK's basketball. And I tried to slow down, but I didnt feel as if it worked. So after he left, and had time to get home I apoligized for talking sooo much, and he said "I didnt think you talked too much, I am proud of you for all that you do, and especially your love of basketball." WOW was my intuition OFF. I mean GEEZ, I didnt annoy him one bit, no hes proud of me?! That was my wake-up call.
2. My mind keeps convincing me that the Transy basketball team would be weirded out by the fact that I do my own set of stats at every game that I attend. But last week after the game I talked to one of the players- after his mom introduced him to my roomie and myself, he has talked to us after every game, real sweet guy (name is Matt). Anyway he was talking how they always play a close game with Hanover, and I started talking about how in the first meeting of Hanover this year they lost by a last second (almost literally) foul and how the team made their 2 free throws and thats what messed us up last time. And then I apoligized for knowing and remembering the things about the game. He laughed and said "No, its fine. Its really cool that you are so dedicated." And that stuck with me, maybe they dont all think I am weird because I take stats. Maybe, just maybe they think its neat, how many fans, that arent related take stats, just for the heck of it? (I know some parents took stats for their kids, at least in high school. I honestly havent noticed if people do it for the Transy games, mostly because I sit FRONT ROW center!)
3. The last way I feel that I am more dependant that independant sometimes is because I am always asking for opinions about what I should do about things, granted I dont always listen to what the people say but I do feel as if I mmake my hard decisions with the help of my friends rather all on my own.
And now, for brainstorming- yay brainstorming.
I need to work at convincing myself that really, honestly, what I do is for me, and those who are weirded out by it wont talk to me but those who either think it is neat or dont care one way or another will still talk to me, and thats a GOOD thing. Its all about being yourself, and I have let loose since coming to Transy, letting people see the real me, but I still feel as if SOMETHING is being held back.
My intuition isnt always right, I mean look at how WRONG I was in reading my brother. Maybe its deep down that I feel that what I do SHOULD be weird so I perceive that it is weird where others think its neat.
And I think a big thing, is that I need to be smart about my decisions, sure its ok to get input from friends, but not for EVERY little decision. And things dont always have to be disected, meaning that every conversation that I have with the Saint, or anyone that Im attracted to doesnt need to be taken apart piece by piece. Sometimes its good to take things at face value and go with the flow.
I wrote the other day about what it would take to make me happy, and though I am still working on that, I did have a couple of happy days. We had a snow day and the ice/snow that made the snow day made me happy, even though I slipped and fell right on my butt and now have a pretty purple bruise. Wednesday we had NO classes, and I got to play in the snow/ice ALL day, with I couple of breaks to warm up. My knees are bruised from trying to run and slide, which turned into run and thwack! And snowball fights! One of my basketball player buddies came out and actually threw a snowball at me, it was funny, he was TOO far off but it made my day. Thursday was a good day too, the only thing that I had to do was my calculus test, which wasnt necessarily a fun thing, but it wasnt too terrible and Im definitely glad that it is over. And because of the weather the basketball game got moved from Wed. to Thursday, which for some reason really made me happy. And then after the basketball game got to talk to Matt a little and the Saint waved at me AND talked to me, it was thrilling, and I was on a high the rest of the night. Friday wasnt super exciting, but it was nice. My poor roomie hurt herself on Friday, falling and possibly breaking her wrist, and then she took her pain meds on an empty stomach, which made her high, and very HAPPY! And I got to talk to the Saint a little, its getting easier and easier, which is nice. We have little 5 minute conversations here and there, which is all it takes to keep me happy. LOL. Maybe we can be friends afterall, hopefully. Yesterday was nice because I got to see my brother. I cant even tell you how much I miss my family. Dont get me wrong I absolutely LOVE Transy and Lexington and think that this was the right decision for me, but that doesnt mean that its less hard for me to stay away for extended periods of time.
So I guess thats about it. Im learning to value my own judgement, not to take things so seriously and living one day at a time, for all its worth.
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