Tired of people dissing other people

Its not just me, but I feel that a lot of dissing is going on around campus, and I guess thats what happens when you get a big group of girls together and emotions run high with tests and everyone gets stressed. But there comes a point when people just need to learn to keep their mouths shut. I admit I occasionally say things that shouldnt be said but I do feel bad about them and I have a hugely guilty conscious. I feel, though, that many of my practices are being dissed, examples include I didnt study for hours last night for a test that is happening tomorrow, so I must not know the information as well, or I am for some reason a worse student because of this- that just doesnt cut it, I have different study habits than everyone else, I have to study during the day, and the morning is the best time for me to study, by the time evening rolls around I am exhausted mentally and I just need a break. Another example that happened was that friends said that they were discussing a professor's teaching habits and how bad they were and would I like to join, my response? "No, thanks, I actually understand and enjoy the way that particular professor tries to convey information." I dont understand why people put down other people just to make themselves feel better, its not needed, maybe understanding your own strengths and weaknesses would be a better way to know when you are doing well. I mean I know that I am not a straight A student in college, but I am doing better this semester than I did last year. And I know that my test grades in my CMB class arent great, but I am not about to kill myself trying to get a 100%. I have been studying all week for the class and there just comes a point when I need to chill out and let my brain absorb everything before I put more in it to digest! Anyway, I need to submit my Accounting homework and then start feeding my brain again, I will vent again soon!

Half Birthday

Its not something that I routinely celebrate, but today is my half birthday. Its been a pretty fun day, as I told my mom, I feel wonderful physically, and ok mentally and thats about as good as I will get for a while. I have a midterm on Monday and then another big Cell and Molec test on Thursday, and I am going home this weekend, where both of my parents are sick. YAY, sort of. It will be wonderful to spend time with my parents, even if they are sick and I probably wont get to see them much, if at all before Thanksgiving after this weekend. It will be wonderful, as always to see my Payton Pooh. And the other thing that I have to look forward to this weekend is a 5k Run/walk, in which I will be walking! I have a goal of being able to run a full 5k by the end of May term this coming year. My newest goal is to be able to run 1 mile by the end of this semester, yea, I just set that while sitting here on the computer! Maybe I should qualify that last statement, I hope to run a mile within a workout, which for me is roughly 2 miles, this means that I am NOT going to make myself run a full mile straight, not yet anyway. I shaved two minutes off my mile by jogging some between Monday and Wednesday!
Well, I guess thats about it for the moment! Off to do some studying!

Deep Breath

It seems that everytime that I get my feet under me, something knocks me over. Its not just one part of life that is doing this to me but a couple of parts. With school, I went through a week phase where I was accomplishing things and doing well, and then I had my cell and molec test and oh no you arent doing so well after all. With, the sorority I had issues, and then things were kind of smoothed over. Well last night they had what I felt was a surprise membership selection and because I hadnt paid dues I had no voice and no vote. Needless to say I was thinking about whether or not the sorority was the right place for me once again. Then I was ushered out of the room and hugged and supported while I just cried my eyes out. I guess I stay for the 35 good people there and help them to help me to deal with the 10 or so bad people. Why oh why do these people care so much about image? Cant we please get back to the reason that this sorority was founded? I hope that with the help of the people who are supporting me now, I can overcome this barrier. Next time my voice will be heard!

Full Disclosure

I am very close to my family and tell them pretty much everything that happens in my life, I guess it was just the way that I was raised. So the other day when I went to a Fraternity party, I called my mom. The party was my first, and it was interesting. It was held in a field and there were buses that took people to and from the party. A whole bunch of people were drinking of course, but not me, and the 3 of my friends that went. We were good and sober and connected at the hip almost literally. But it was fun and I would do it again.

Then Saturday I got to get up early and help with a Habitat for Humanity house, and that was SO fulfilling, amazing, wonderful and humbling. I want to participate in more! We didnt get to help with the actual building of the house, but we got to help with some of the small details. We did some landscaping work, we layed sod. Rolled the grass out and had an instant yard! Instant gratification as well. I am hoping to volunteer more with Habtitat for Humanity either with the sorority or my friends, or just by myself!

Feeling Reflective

Through everything going on in my life, good or bad, happy or sad, there is always one person that I can count on, myself. Today while sitting through a really interesting leadership seminar I felt grounded. and just throughout the day I felt as if I was being watched over. Now, I am not one who usually says so-and-so is watching over me and I will be fine, but yesterday I just felt the presence of my grandma. It was like I was giving her a taste of my life, I was giving her a tour of what was going on in my life, and I had warm-fuzzies. I felt her approval.
I felt for the first time in a while that I really have control of my life. I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do, and it doesnt matter what people think. I only have to depend on myself, yes, the support of family and friends is nice but I shouldnt depend on that, and I am getting better at being happier with myself. I was thinking about where I have been, where I am going and how many people might think that I am spoiled because I have pretty much gotten everything in my life that I need or want, but really theres more to me than that.
Where I have been: As I have said before this past year has been a really tough year for me and before when people said that they were proud of me I just kinda took it with a grain of salt, but now I feel honored when people tell me that they are proud of me, I am proud of myself now and I think thats the difference. I have never had to really work for my meals, work to pay bills and such but I have always been taught to appreciate the life that I am fortunate to live, and I do appreciate it, more than anyone can know, and its because I have also been exposed to the other sides of life. And I am just so grateful to have been able to live the blessed life that I have.
Where I am going: This is harder for me to think about, hopefully in 10 years I will have graduated college, graduated from graduate school. I hope to be financially secure and to have the beginnings of a family. I look at my life now, and inevitably I compare it to my brothers' lives, though I know that mine will be different. Chris was married at 21- which for me is less than 2 years away, and Jimmy was married at 25. I hope that I will be married around 23 but life never goes as planned, so we shall see. And then I look around and my friends are getting engaged and married, and some of them are just in nice committed relationships, and though I would love to have something like that I am scared of it as well. But boyfriend or not, my life is moving forward and so am I. I kinda feel bad that most of my thoughts about the future revolve around having a boyfriend/husband, but then again, in America we are taught to get married and make babies, so its not totally surprising I guess. I suppose it will all happen soon enough and I should enjoy where I am now, and so thats what I'll do. The leadership presentation that I went to was about internal motivation, and so I am gonna concentrate on that for a while. Motivate myself to be the best person, student, and fan that I can be, because those reflect the things that are important to me. I strive to be a good person, to help out friends and anyone really that I can, to work hard in my school work and do the best I can with that and to go to sporting events which just make me feel whole in a way.
Being Spoiled: Yes, I have gotten roughly everything that I have needed or wanted throughout my life, but I dont think that I am spoiled as much as some of the people here at Transy. I appreciate how life is hard for some people and I know how to shop on a budget and not spend more than I am given, I know how to make things when I dont have the money to buy them, and I know how important friends and family are and I think that balances out how spoiled I am. Or at least, I hope it does.
Bottom line, the future scares me and excites me at the same time, so I am working hardest at living my life in the present, forgetting about the silly things of my past and only looking toward my future when I absolutely feel its necessary. And if at some point in my life I change ONE person's life then I will feel a sense of wholeness, like things have come full circle!

The Rattle of the Keyboard

I am looking for a way to go back to being as laid back as I was before the whole sorority thing happened. For some reason it made something snap inside of me and I have been working to get that thing to unsnap so to speak. And I have employed many things thus far and the only thing that has really calmed me is sporting events. But a close second is the sound of typing. I love the rattle of the keyboard that my fingers create, it actually has a musical tone. This musical tone is where my current happiness is coming from. And that is all I had to say! heehee.

Family Time

I love spending time with my family, and this weekend was no different. Friday night I went to Big Blue Madness with my dad and brothers and we had a great time. I got made fun of, which for some reason always makes smile, if not when it happens then later when I actually think about it. And I was starting to really need my brothers to make fun of me! :) Of course, we had fun at the basketball event, and then we were driving home and we all started singing some oldies songs, and even dancing in the car. It was just fun. There was also a walk down memory lane. Man growing up makes life more complicated, and I am not saying its bad, I am just saying that I still see brief moments of the simpler times and it makes me happy.
Saturday was more family time. My sister-in-law threw a birthday party for my brother and it was nice. I got to spend some time with my neices and nephews, not so much my brothers but I think it was a good thing. I really miss those kids when I am at school.

Now for other things, life is always changing, and its frustrating, but its also nice too. I mean I seriously hope that in ten years that I would be married with a kid or two but I honestly cant really see it. I guess part of it is that I havent met a guy? I dont know. And at this point it doesnt necessarily matter, its just that I see my brothers and their families and I just hope that things work out for me. I think my brothers mother-in-law tried to tell me that I could have invited my boyfriend to the party, except that there isnt one! She said to me, "you could have invited some of your friends" and I responded with "none of them live around here, or are anywhere really near Bullitt County" only looking back on it can I see that maybe she mean that I could have invited a particular friend. One problem?- I dont have one, no boyfriend in my life. Ugh, I am tired and I have a nice long day tomorrow. Write again soon.

A day to day type of thing

I feel as if I am experiencing a great deal of monotony. I get up I go to two classes, I go to lunch, I study, I experience some sort of event around 4, Dinner at 5:30 and then either studying or TV, and that is my day. I am very excited for the upcoming weekend + two extra days! Not only will it break the monotony that I feel but I will get to spend 4 nights at home, how wonderful. I have gone 3 weeks of staying at Transy, my record thus far and even the weekend that I went home I was working and didnt get to spend hardly any time with my family. For me this weekend will be a nice deep breath before I have to take on the second half of the semester, yes we are roughly halfway through the semester!
For the rest of this week, I just really need to focus on my Cell and Molec. because of the test on Friday. Today I took notes on one of the chapters and plan to take my last set of notes later this evening, but my shoulder is killing me from such continuous writing, and therefore I am off to the Beck Center for a walk/ some exercise! Its my break from the studying monotony, but becoming a habit in and of itself! Funny how things like that work out!

Working Hard

This morning I woke up after only 6 hours of sleep- yes only, I work hard to get my full 8 hours of sleep each night, sick and miserable. I had a test today and I was worried about it, and I have another test on Friday that I am worried about. I guess its all about college right? Anyway, I called my mommy, and she made me feel better. Apparently she wont disown me if I try my hardest and still dont pass with flying colors (always a good thing to be reminded of)! And then I took my Microeconomics test, and I was relieved to realize that I really did know the material, and I am always flattered and happy when people ask me about the material and not only can I explain it, they understand it- something that happened as we were waiting to take the test. Someone told me that economics came naturally to me, and I dont think its necessarily true but I am working at it and I guess maybe its good that it seems that it comes naturally for me? I think so anyway. After the test, which went well, I had my favorite class, Accounting. We got our test that we took last week back. And here is where I am going to brag about myself. The class average was a 61% on this test, not only did I beat the class average, I got a 85%. Its not an A, but it was good considering the class average, and my professor even told me that I did well and gave me a pat on the back. See, life doesnt always beat you down, you occasionally get a nice high five! Needless to say some of my stress was gone!

I got a nice short nap in after lunch and then I got to work on my cell and molecular studying. I am starting to actually enjoy reading textbooks and taking notes, I must be becoming a true student! HAHA. After 2 hours of studying I went to an informational meeting for one of the May term trips that is being offered, and I have to say, that I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO! Its a trip to Greece/Turkey and there are really 2 trips. One is 16 days and is all Greece and the other is 26 days and Turkey gets added in, and really three classes are being taught, theres a philosophy class, a history class and an anthropology class- I am hoping that it will go as a general requirement for me, but if it doesnt then oh well. I have gotten my grandma's permission and now I just have to compose a paragraph or two stating why I want to go, and why they should pick me over other students that are interested.

After that meeting, I was still kind of blitzed from my cell and molec and went to the second half of the boys soccer game. Man, watching that just makes me want to play so bad. I mean I was never great at it but I did have a small passion for it and I think a tiny piece of me will always want to be on a soccer field whenever I see one. But it was really nice to watch, the soccer games can get just as violent and amusing as basketball games! I think one of Transy's players was even bodyslammed by one of the opposing teams players, it was interesting. It rained some and that was refreshing and Transy won 3-1. All goals being scored in the second half. And as my usual I think I got to know the mother of the guy on the team that I think is cute. Funny how I always get to know parents rather than the actual guys, I mean there is good and bad both in doing that! :)

Back to cell and molec then for me. And not only studying but writing a paper, and with 2 other people at that. The good thing is that we all mesh fairly well and we get things done quickly! Anyway, I am feeling better now and I can do this, I just needed a little reassurance- I get kind of needy that way occasionally! I am SO glad though that this weekend is fall break and I get a couple of days to relax, I will be able to recooperate not only from the sickness but also from just going going going so much so fast! And I think I have found a second way to center myself when I am overwhelmed- Sporting events. The soccer game today was just the key to my day! I guess I never realized that I feel better, pumped even after sporting events, soccer and basketball are the drugs of choice but I can go for a baseball game as well! And if you are wondering the other thing that centers me? Its traveling! Something about just getting away from everything makes things better!

And now my cell and molec is calling my name!

Graphic Images

The good news is that I got to hug a dog. It was a chocolate lab, who was very friendly, licking my face and then gently holding my hand in his mouth. It made my heart happy, granted its not the same as being with my dogs back home but it was still a BIG dog and a dog lick to the face!

The bad news, is that the right side of my face is swollen from the gum boil that I have, and food is now getting stuck in said gum boil- its taking over my face! (Told ya "Graphic images") And the right side of my neck is sore, but I can bend my head back and forth and side to side, so I am pretty sure its not meningitis. BUT I do think that I will go to the nurse tomorrow morning, bright and early and see what sh has to say.

I'll leave ya with those mental images! :)

13 Hours

Last night I laid down for bed at 8pm, granted I didnt fall asleep right away but I didnt get out of bed again until 8:45 this morning. I would love to report that I feel rested and ready to face the day, but I dont. I am still feeling sickly and I'm not necessarily sure that it is the same virus that everyone else has had this week, or maybe it mutated so it could attack me, because I was doing SO WELL in not getting it. Ugh, anyway, I have to get things done today so I am just trying to not let it take my body over entirely. I might even take myself a nice nap once I have read all of my biology chapters, 1.5 left! And after that I need to concentrate on some Microeconomics, I even have study buddy to meet tonight for Micro, and then back to Cell and Molect to take notes on the chapters. Alright then, I am going to get started. Here's to getting better soon!

It all comes crashing down

I feel like shit, I want to go home, and yet I have two tests plus at least one paper that I have to have done for this week. I have a sinus infection, I am achey, and whenever I get sick I get a really sore mouth which means I dont feel like eating because its painful. I cant go home because I have way too much to get done and my mom is at a conference and I'm sure my dad may be golfing today. If I didnt SO much to do I would go home and sleep the whole weekend with my dog. And thats another thing, I dont strive when I am animal-less. In fact after so long I start to deteriorate, and that has definitely started to happen. I am not getting enough protein in my body I dont think, but I really dont know how to fix that, I mean I eat at every meal but I seriously just cant stomach the meat that the school offers. I might just have to go out and find myself some good meat, or some meat that I can cook. I am however, getting enough greens, I have carrots, lettuce and green peppers Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at lunch and then again most nights for dinner. Well then, I beleive I am going to go start on my studying so that I can maybe take a nap later.

Sappy Mood

Tonight some friends and I went to see Nights in Rodanthe, an awesome movie and that was just the start of the sappy night, I come back to the dorm and my roomie and other friends are getting ready to watch Beauty and the Beast. Thus, I am running off of a couple of well ended romantic comedies, and it makes me think of my situation. There is no guy in my life, and mostly I like it that way, but occasionally I think it would be nice to have a companion. Part of my problem is that I am too busy, and laid back to care too much and another part of my problem is that I am SO shy. I have seriously been working on it so that I am more outgoing, so that I can make conversation easy, but I still get stuck. Maybe its not the right time to have a guy in my life, but I feel about as out of time as my brother does. I mean I know that I will live for at least 80 more years, rather I really HOPE that I get to live that much more, but at the same time, it seems as if most of my peers have had some sort of real relationship. I havent, not really. I guess this post is just my way of complaining that 1. I am too shy, which is probably my own fault 2. I want a guy to be there for me but not necessarily to smother me, I dont do well when I am smothered 3. That I know of NO guy that is attracted to me in the more than just friends way 4. The guy that I would like to notice me, probably doesnt know that I am alive or thinks that I am incredibly creepy.

Here's to turning over a new leaf, for being the best ME I can be and hoping that, through being more of myself and more open and outgoing I will find someone to at least get to know!

Have I mentioned lately that I miss my dog?! :)

Dog Sickness

So I know about homesickness, and missing home SO MUCH and missing my family and I have worked so hard to get over that, and I think I really finally can live, deal without having to see my family constantly, but living without a dog?! REALLY HARD. Its been 2 weeks since I've gotten to hug, cuddle, or sleep with a warm fuzzy dog and I am getting desperate. I mean I miss my family, but I can call and talk to them or email them, the point is that I can have real contact with my family, but not necessarily with my dog. And its sad. So moral of the story today, I NEED A DOG FIX!

Bright and Sunshine-y Day

Nothing has really changed, I havent solved the problem for my friend yet but I have a meeting with Mary tonight, and Mary will be very helpful I am sure. I wrote a methods section of a lab report for my Cell and Molecular Biology class and I felt confident about it, until someone came and read it. They told me that I needed to include much more, but really I dont think I do, methods sections are supposed to be short and to the point and mine was, it was the other person's that was 3 pages. I dont know I guess we will see when we get the papers back, the good news though is that it isnt for a real grade but rather participation points. I have a test in my accounting class today that I am actually excited about, weird huh? I guess its because I really understand accounting and love the class. Maybe I have really found something here, a passion maybe? Next week will be slightly stressful because I have a Microeconomics test as well as a Cell and Molecular test, but I have the weekend and I can do this, I know I can. Philosophy is an interesting class, lots of reading and some discussion, I think it will get better once we have finished The Republic of Plato and move on to the Matrix- as in the movie! And as for me overall, I cant stay depressed, angry, mean for forever, I am getting over the bad things and looking toward Fall Break! I had my 5-6 days of depression and suckiness but I am moving on. Oh, and my neice is now out of the hospital!! YAY!