Feeling Reflective

Through everything going on in my life, good or bad, happy or sad, there is always one person that I can count on, myself. Today while sitting through a really interesting leadership seminar I felt grounded. and just throughout the day I felt as if I was being watched over. Now, I am not one who usually says so-and-so is watching over me and I will be fine, but yesterday I just felt the presence of my grandma. It was like I was giving her a taste of my life, I was giving her a tour of what was going on in my life, and I had warm-fuzzies. I felt her approval.
I felt for the first time in a while that I really have control of my life. I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do, and it doesnt matter what people think. I only have to depend on myself, yes, the support of family and friends is nice but I shouldnt depend on that, and I am getting better at being happier with myself. I was thinking about where I have been, where I am going and how many people might think that I am spoiled because I have pretty much gotten everything in my life that I need or want, but really theres more to me than that.
Where I have been: As I have said before this past year has been a really tough year for me and before when people said that they were proud of me I just kinda took it with a grain of salt, but now I feel honored when people tell me that they are proud of me, I am proud of myself now and I think thats the difference. I have never had to really work for my meals, work to pay bills and such but I have always been taught to appreciate the life that I am fortunate to live, and I do appreciate it, more than anyone can know, and its because I have also been exposed to the other sides of life. And I am just so grateful to have been able to live the blessed life that I have.
Where I am going: This is harder for me to think about, hopefully in 10 years I will have graduated college, graduated from graduate school. I hope to be financially secure and to have the beginnings of a family. I look at my life now, and inevitably I compare it to my brothers' lives, though I know that mine will be different. Chris was married at 21- which for me is less than 2 years away, and Jimmy was married at 25. I hope that I will be married around 23 but life never goes as planned, so we shall see. And then I look around and my friends are getting engaged and married, and some of them are just in nice committed relationships, and though I would love to have something like that I am scared of it as well. But boyfriend or not, my life is moving forward and so am I. I kinda feel bad that most of my thoughts about the future revolve around having a boyfriend/husband, but then again, in America we are taught to get married and make babies, so its not totally surprising I guess. I suppose it will all happen soon enough and I should enjoy where I am now, and so thats what I'll do. The leadership presentation that I went to was about internal motivation, and so I am gonna concentrate on that for a while. Motivate myself to be the best person, student, and fan that I can be, because those reflect the things that are important to me. I strive to be a good person, to help out friends and anyone really that I can, to work hard in my school work and do the best I can with that and to go to sporting events which just make me feel whole in a way.
Being Spoiled: Yes, I have gotten roughly everything that I have needed or wanted throughout my life, but I dont think that I am spoiled as much as some of the people here at Transy. I appreciate how life is hard for some people and I know how to shop on a budget and not spend more than I am given, I know how to make things when I dont have the money to buy them, and I know how important friends and family are and I think that balances out how spoiled I am. Or at least, I hope it does.
Bottom line, the future scares me and excites me at the same time, so I am working hardest at living my life in the present, forgetting about the silly things of my past and only looking toward my future when I absolutely feel its necessary. And if at some point in my life I change ONE person's life then I will feel a sense of wholeness, like things have come full circle!