I realize that a relationship didnt happen with G, much to his dismay. And I realize that last week was hard on me and probably just as hard on him. But maybe something that others don't realize, is that he laid it all out. Told me how he felt, no holds barred. And that, that is something that I wish every person would do. Wouldn't the world be easier if we all knew where we stood with one another? I hope that he was able to get the same clarity from me, even if it's not necessarily what he wanted to hear. Life has it's ups and downs goods and bads but there are so many people in my life that don't tell me where I stand and I hate it. I will always be honest, it won't always be pretty and I might hurt feelings, but we can't scare away from that, because it only makes life harder.
A while ago I confessed feelings to a person, he never responded. Ever. I still haven't heard from him, months later. But I talked to his mom, because our families are friends, and she told me that he had a girlfriend. I was downright shocked. And I asked him about it "why didnt you tell me before I made a fool of myself?" Still nothing. Is he ashamed that he didnt tell me or that I went out on a limb? Does he care? I don't know, and that's the hardest part of life. Uncertainty.
I'll tell you something though. I am not ashamed. I own my feelings, every single one of them. Going out on a limb like I did, it was actually empowering. I felt good afterwards. Now, it seems like I've kind of lost a friend and that really stinks, but if he isn't man enough to acknowledge what I've said and set the record straight, then why the hell do I want anything to do with him?
Yea, lets be real here, feelings aren't it and dry. They don't disappear, appear or change just because they've been acknowledged-or not- they are more complex. We are more complex. But I hope that people strive to be more real with one another. And G if you are reading this, I wish you all the happiness in the world, I do. But I don't think it includes me.
