The person I am vs. the person I want to be

I depend too much on other people. It isnt necessarily a bad thing but it is something that I have noticed about myself. See when making a decision that isnt in my immediate realm of comfort I turn to about 3-5 people and ask their opinion. Luckily I usually go with my first instinct because it is what my friends also think that I should do but I think I need to start cutting out my friends, not in my life just in some of the decisions that I need to make for myself.

On another note... ther are some things that I want to do but havent for one reason or another- mostly because I am slightly scared.
One of these things is backpacking. I have been once, my mom and I went over 8 years ago when I was 11. We did a 10 mile loop at Red River Gorge. It was fun but I havent done it since, and recently I have been seeing pictures of people I know backpacking and it makes me want to get out there. So, I am gonna try!

Anyway, I am gonna go to sleep now! Goodnight!

Accepting things

So, I went and took that walk, and I am now feeling slightly better. I mean I realize that I am not cured of my fears but I am working on them one at a time. Today I went and took that walk again. Slowly but surely I will get better.
But today I am not writing about my fears, no my focus is on the dream that I had last night. See I am ok with the fact that I am not finding the guy that I want to be with at this point in my life, or rather I am slowly getting better at being ok with it. But last night I had this dream, and it made me think that I may not have a guy in my life now, and I may not have one in the next couple of years but I have faith that I will have one eventually, and I do think that I will get married and have kids, at least 2 probably more, and I am ready to just live my life as it happens.
Anyway the dream: In this dream I got married. And it was wonderful, haha. The person that I married was wonderful, he treated me right, he fit in with my family and he made me downright happy. Now, I dont remember many details of who he was other than he had dark hair and he was slightly taller than me, and he wasnt too skinny! haha. I remember what the rings we gave each other looked like and i remember that he wrote a short poem for me and had it ingraved in something (maybe bracelet or a jewelry box). And I remember that after we got married, we just hung out, I mean like instead of heading right to the reception we just hung out together in a field sharing things. And thats about all I remember. Lets just say that this is one of the dreams that I hope comes true! With that I'm gone!

The desire to be more independant

I like my life, I generally like who I am and the people that I stay in touch with but I am missing something. Its something that doesnt always stick out at me, something that I dont generally think about but it is in a way a sense of direction and adventure. I go to college, I enjoy it, for the most part, and I have some amazing friends. But I feel stuck, and its not their fault, but rather mine, I am generally a reserved and shy person, I dont like to be alone and therefore dont venture out into the world, even a world that I am familiar with, unless there is someone with me. I dont necessarily like this quality of myself, I wish that I was able to do things on my own, go out and feel the world for myself. I have an honorary family, really my neighbors and their extended family, that goes places and does things. Yes, I travel, but always with my family. Always a "safe" destination. I want to be able to go hiking on a whim, by myself, without waiting for someone to keep me "safe".
I want to be able to go out in the world, explore things like 4th Stree Live, without having a body there to keep me "safe".
It isnt that I need the people to look over me, but rather that I feel the need to have someone to look after, I yearn for the company.
Having dogs gives me some freedom, while I am home, but when at college, there are so many things that I want to do but dont because I am afraid of being somewhere alone.

My goal is to learn to be more independent.
Step one: go for a walk, by myself for the first time since someone was raped at the local Arboretum.

The Big 100

This is my 100th post. Yay. And I only have 10 minutes to write what I want. There really isnt a topic for today other than maybe sharing some of the interesting things that I have learned in the past few days. See I had an old friend get married on Saturday, and she invited me to the wedding. I went because I remember when the couple originally got together and how fun their courtship was to watch on the outside! But going through the receiving line after the wedding was over I felt out of place, my friend barely even looked at me as I gave her a hug. I guess the days of our friendship are coming to an end, I guess we have just grown up and apart. In a way I was hurt that I was looked over but then again, I am glad that I got closure, if that makes sense. See it wasnt just her that was there, there were other old friends around and they didnt really treat me any better. I guess the friends of my past were just acquaintances, not really wonderful friends, for the most part. There are a few people that I like hanging out with, although sometimes I feel that they use me and I dont like being used, I have been used enough in my lifetime, short as that might be.

Anyway, I learned that the people that I saw on Saturday, that its ok to move on. I have my Transy family, and they are the ones that have truly been there for me. So I am not looking to friends of the past so much as eager to see what the future brings me. Gotta go.