23- Take 2...

I liked 23 soo much, Im gonna do it again. I dont wanna be 24.

I have birthday issues. And I've had lots of hurt feelings over birthday plans.
But I've also realized its something that I need to work on, so Im gonna do that.
What struck me as funny, not funny haha but funny interesting. Was that for my 20's I've spent most of the time that is my birthday by myself. I remember on my 20th birthday, I was kind of left alone and I cried myself to sleep- I think I even wrote a blog about it, but Im not about to go look because if Im right that would just be depressing. When I was 21 I spent the day volunteering for the humane society at Rolex, I spent time in my dorm room all by my lonesome and then I headed home. Granted I did have a few friends come out, but they arrived later. The majority of my day was by myself. Twenty-two- that one I wasnt by myself, except to go to the bathroom. lol. Twenty-three though, I took the day off work and I went shopping by myself. Today, 24- i mean 23-take 2, I spent most of the day by myself, studying.
I usually dont lament about spending so much time by myself. Usually, I have no problem about it, but for some reason, I felt that being by myself on my birthday was kind of sad. Should I be around people that I love and who love me? Sure, and I was for pieces of every one of those birthdays. But its the days when its hard to be by myself that are the most important. Im learning to be happy to spend time with me and that will make things easier in life later. Life isnt all roses. In fact theres only pieces that are roses. Life is hard, it sucks and it will mess you up. But those moments, those moments of perfection, thats what makes it all worthwhile.
So heres to learning to be happy not because its expected or because you feel obligated, but because you actually enjoy your life. I wouldnt trade my life for anything. Even the parts that suck or drive me nuts! :)

Time changes everything, and sometimes nothing.

I went to a Tractor Supply today. I do this actually once a month or every 2 months, so it shouldnt be a big deal. Besides J hasnt worked at Tractor Supply for over a year now, and I havent seen J in a year and a half or more. Regardless, every single time I walk into a Tractor Supply, no matter which one it is, I expect him to come up behind me and grab me. Every single time, my blood pressure goes up. Add the sound of boots on the floor and I want to hid. Add the sound of keys AND boots and I'm tense as a board. Its like Im transported to a time where things were good between us.
And yet hes not a part of my life anymore nor do I want him to be.

Its funny, in college, I was willing to change my life plans based on how the people I was growing close to were going to live their lives. J wanted to go work for Tractor Supply corporate and so I was gonna find a way to go to grad school in Nashville. Bout thats not who I am anymore. I found the selfish part of me and want to chase MY dreams, not be a sideline to someone else's dreams, nor do I necessarily want someone to be a sideline to my dreams. This is not the time for me to find someone to spend my life with. This is the time for me to live my life for me. To be scared and yet chase my dreams with everything that I have. Let go of whatever's coming and take a 2 and a half week trip with a good friend, even if that means missing the birth of my nephew. My life is changing and its something that I want to soak up. I may not see the differences day by day or week by week, but I know they are coming, I feel them, and Im selfish enough not to want to share that with someone else. This is MY dream, I am paying the price and so I should get to reap the benefits. :)