Grab Life by the Horns

I have recently read several things, and heard things, and its time that I grab life by the horns- to steal Dodge's saying!

Sure life has been great lately, I have no complaints, but I am ready to take it to the next level, I need to be more in control of the little things.

So here goes, operation "live big". I gotta start thinking more about summer and the future and just loving myself, and being healthy...

Where are you Christmas?

This year I am really laid back about Christmas. I find that I am enjoying it more than I have the past couple of years, maybe I am finally growing up. haha.

The other day, when I was driving home from Lexington, I saw a funeral procession and as I watched the police escort them down the road, and I saw 20 or so cars in line, I lost it.
This was the hardest holiday that I have gone through. And its not that anything was different than it has been the past 2 Christmas' but rather I think I finally really grieved. I miss my grandma so much. It occured to me the other day that yes, she got to see all of her grandchildren turn 18, but she didnt get to see us all married. It hit me hard when I realized that when I get married- if that ever comes around, she wont be there. On my big special day, I wont get to share it with her, petty as it may be, this saddens me greatly.
I guess the long and the short of it, is that this holiday season I really miss my grandma. And theres nothing I can really do about that, other than recognize the sadness, let it happen, and then move on.
So here's to living every day, something I plan to work on more. I dont want to waste another day!

Let it be

This is just one of those things where I just have to let it be. What happens, happens, for good or for bad, and in the end, the very end, I will die. So between now and death I gotta love the life I live and live the life I love. And I am learning that sometimes to do that I have to let go of the little details, which is hard. But I am seeing the big picture, the big picture is that I am only 20, I'm 20-25% done with my life, I mean hopefully only 20-25%. And when it comes down to it I AM an optimist, but at the same time I worry about what will happen, you know I am not oblivious to the culture around me where people get married at 20, and sometimes 25, but I mean SERIOUSLY, just about everyone I know has had a relationship by the time they are 20, and I mean a deep meaningful relationship.
Maybe I am different, maybe, like UK's freshman John Wall, I'll be a one and done person. Maybe just maybe the first person I REALLY fall for and really have a relationship with will be the only one worth it.

Oops...

I think I got a little too excited.
Maybe I tried to talk too much?
Bottom line, I dont know what I did, but I havent talked to him in almost a week, havent even SEEN him in almost a week.

Back to square one, or maybe square negative 1. haha.

That sport that I love

Basketball.
One word.
3 syllables.
My passion.
No I dont play, but who said you had to play a sport to be passionate about it.
My friends laugh at me because I pick basketball games over parties with them, I picked a basketball game over waiting in a hospital to be told if my dad was ok. This is just what basketball is to me, its that one thing that I can always turn to that will always put a smile on my face. And no, not every team is perfect, but pretty much every team is working hard.
For me, the best basketball experience has been Transy basketball. When given the choice of watching a UK game or a Transy game, I will pick the Transy game 9 times out of 10. You might stare at me in disbelief of this but its true. Know why? Because Transy plays like a team, there is no superstar, and there is no press. We barely make it on the 11 o'clock news when we win. And sure there are the leaders on the court, but there isn't one player that is all the difference, and somehow I think that is better.
No, Transy doesn't have a 10-0 record, in fact we have a 5-4 record, but we are young, and we are still finding our way. Our first game was 8 hours away, and we fell on our face, I think that gave us a bad taste for away games. And yes, we have won 2 away games since then, but there is still some disconnect. As for home games... this season we have been perfect, and last season we lost only 1 time at home! I'm not buddy-buddy with the players, but I have been to every game except that first one, and I can tell that the guys are working hard. In fact, this last game one of our freshmen who usually gets in foul trouble really early, only had 1 foul at the end of the first half. And didn't get his second foul until halfway through the second half. Unfortunately as a team, we foul a lot! But I think we will get better at it.
Throughout this I have said "we" when referring to the Transy basketball team, and I realize that I am not an athlete, I do not play on the team, but I do keep the scorebooks and have been traveling with the team, and so yes, I feel that maybe just maybe I can include myself when talking about Transy basketball. I mean I'm not gonna go out and scream at the top of my lungs that I am part of the team, because I am not, and I do realize this!
I guess what I am saying, is that I love basketball, but if you know me, you already know this! And Transy basketball is the best that I have seen, at least when it comes to teamwork! Sure I love the Cats, but they almost have a superstar status, and I kinda like being around the "lesser knowns."
And we have just as much potential as the Cats, we are just division III instead of division I- did you know that we have 6 McDonald's All-American nominees playing at Transy? And 3 Kentucky Regional players of the year? I mean sure they are freshman, but they are already contributing a great deal and it will be fun to see what they will be able to do as seniors!
I suppose this is where I stop talking about Transy basketball, you get the point! :)
Here's to Transy basketball, building on the successes and learning from the losses!

Blah

Stupid stomach that hates any and all food that I put in it.
Stupid head that is pounding
Stupid boys that dont respond the way one wants.

Blah on this day.

Bus Ride

I sit here, and I can't take my eyes off him. He is making sure everything is in order, he is counting people, planning for tomorrow and I just want to be his partner. It sounds silly but it is what it is. Somehow I feel that when he is around I will be taken care of, and let me tell you, that's a good feeling!
So here's to riding the bus and falling for him! (LOL)

No longer invisible?

How to put this? I want to know more, I yearn for details, but I dont want to seek them out, I want him to tell me, about his life, his family. And I know you cant build something out of nothing, but there is something there,and he sees me when I feel otherwise invisible. He asks about my dad even though that was several weeks ago, he talks to me in the most public places of campus. What more could a girl want?!
Ok ok, I know, but still, I mean he tells me that my crappy made on the spot score book is perfect. Really, PERFECT? I dont think so! But thanks anyway. And I mean I feel pesky, because I am almost constantly asking questions, but he tells me "dont worry about bothering me" so I mean thats good right? Now, if we can bridge the gap and talk about something other than basketball, dont get me wrong I LOVE talking about basketball, but even I will admit that basketball isnt the ONLY thing in life- no matter how much I convince my Transy family that it is. And yes there are times when I will pick basketball over something else. Like when my dad was in the hospital and I picked basketball, or like tonight, we are going on an overnight for the game tomorrow, and my Transy family is having their Christmas gathering, so I am picking basketball over that. I feel slightly bad but at the same time, this is my passion, I wish people would understand that more than they do.
I may not know where this is leading, but you can bet I am along for the ride, and I think that even if it doesnt turn into anything more than just a friendship- friendship is good... usually! :)

Sigh

This morning the house that my friends and I have nicknamed "the basketball house" had an electrical fire. They are all fine- or so I've heard. And the house had fairly minimal damage, but the reaction that I had when I heard the news?
It was an involuntary reaction that just shook my whole world. Its like the past few weeks "god" is telling me, yes you are having a good life, but just remember bad things can happen- see see? First dad then the basketball house. I mean I know that I am just a fan, and I know that these boys dont REALLY care all that much- or if they do they care only on the inside. But I seriously would have some issues to work out if they were gone. Next year is gonna be tough. And I dont want to get in their way, so I will just sit here, touch base, see them at games, but I dont think these boys- men- really know just how much they mean to me. And not in a creepy way, seriously. These people- though not always as talkative and friendly as I would like are a family to me. This is my basketball family, and I love it- its like living with a really dysfunctional family!

So, heres to them being ok, heres to saving the Christmas Tree, and heres to my basketball family!

New Territory.

Its like trying to write a new story with a new angle, its rough. No fun to go through, but necessary.
New person, new attraction. But all the rules are different.
Why is that?
I dont even see him all that often, except at games, or when it comes to basketball, so again its like admiring from a distance, and I dont know HOW to bridge the distance.
I dont know what to do, I dont know where to start. But I do know that, this time, its gonna happen on its own. I am not going to "Research" I dont plan on pushing. I'm just gonna be me, and go from there.
But my friends, this is definitely a full blown crush. Lets hope that previous experiences can help me in the end.

Mamma Mia

Here I go again, how can I resist ya?

Im starting to lose it.
Moment to moment, day to day I just want to see him.
I want to get to know him.
I dont know how to go about doing that...
which is different than my norm.
Normally I am ruthless,
I know how to get info and I go for it.
Not this time, this time I just want to take it slow.
I want to get to know him for him.
I dont want to know everything from other sources.
This is weird.
Exploring the new things in life.
Learning how to be a "normal" person (haha)

Here's to being a little more old fashioned.

Dear Heart

I might be close for falling for a new guy.
Good luck.
I am just on the edge of falling, I can feel it coming though.
I see it perfectly mapped out- but life isnt perfect.
So brace yourself.
This too shall pass.


Saturday night, while wrestling with my decision about staying at the game rather than rushing home to be with my dad a song popped into my head, and I think it has multiple meanings.
The song was "Need you now" by Lady Antebellum.
One of the lyrics is "Its a quarter after 1, I'm all alone and I need you now"
"And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now"
Saturday night I thought of my dad and how I dont know how I could do without him. So that lyric applies to him.
But we were riding the bus back to Transy and though I usually feel alone on the bus, I didnt feel that way this time. There was a person who reached out to me, asked about dad and made me smile. Things like that are wonderful. And I had been singing "Need you now" and I realized that (though not quite a quarter after 1) I needed someone, and they were there for me. So thank you, person who will remained unnamed for now.

Maybe my heart is ready, maybe its time to start letting people in, and maybe just maybe someone wants to let me in to their heart.

Or, you know maybe not. But its worth a shot! :)

Smiling.

It is the one thing that is easy to do, and just one smile can convey a number of emotions.
Here is the challenge, smile to everyone you make eye contact with, even if you arent having a good day, and even if life sucks, if you smile enough you might actually start believing something good comes out of it. So, my friends smile like theres no tomorrow!

I promise

I love the game- basketball
I will try to befriend anyone who plays.
Sure I might develop a crush on a player, but that doesnt mean that I am not capable of being friends.
I will be there for every game- well as many as possible
I will be a silent cheerleader.
I will respect bus rides
I will respect every player
I wont crash parties
But deep down, I just want to be friends- is that really so hard?

This is my promise: to be the behind-the-scenes girl, the quiet one that you may not notice, but really the one who just wants to be accepted, who wants to be your friend, but is too self-conscious to make the first move, so I will wait patiently. I will smile, wave, maybe try to talk, but I will do my best to not overstep any boundaries.

Season of Thanksgiving

This past Thursday was Thanksgiving, and I was very thankful for the life that I had. Things had started falling into place for me, and it was wonderful.

Then, Saturday, my dad had a heart issue. It was the first one to hospitalize him since 2 weeks before the start of my Freshman year at Transy.

Mom, grandma, and I were near Cincy when we got the call- we had been planning for about a month that they would come to a Transy basketball game, and this was the one. So, there we were in Cincy, and we got the call. And yes, I feel a little guilty- I stayed in Cincy for the game, while mom and grandma traveled home. Over the course of the next couple of hours I questioned my sanity. Why in the world did I pick basketball over my dad? Well, the answer my friends, is that I wouldnt have been able to do anything for my dad, it would have taken 2 hours to get home and then its just a waiting game. And I chose to do my waiting at the basketball game, surrounded by the team and their families. And I know that I am not buddy-buddy with everyone on the team, but some people came through and showed that they cared, and the parents/grandparents also rallied around me and offered me a place to stay, which is way more than I could have asked, but it was greatly appreciated. I am not perfect, and I did "choose" basketball over my dad, but I am at a point in my life, where I know what to expect when dad goes to the hospital- bloodwork, overnight stay, stress test, and other random tests, and dad knows that I love him and that I would drop anything for him but at the same time, I still have a life to live, I still have responsibilities. Basketball isnt just fun for me, its a job. And at the end of the day, dad is ok, for now.
Some of the good things that came out of this experience: I came out of my shell a little bit more because I was reminded that life is short, and even if its good right now, I still have some responsibility for how my life ultimately turns out. But the best thing of the experience was the flight. Mom and grandma took my car home, I rode the bus back to Transy, and a friend picked me up and I stayed with her, but now I was stuck in Lex without any of my clothes, schoolwork or even my room key so I was desperate to find a way home Sunday. One of the clients from the clinic flew from Lou to Lex to pick me up, took my back to Lou and then took me to the hospital. And though the surrounding circumstances werent that great, flying in a small plane from Lex to Lou, was freakin AWESOME. And now, I want to either marry a pilot or get my pilots license!

Today, lets toast to making lemonade out of lemons. Sure, life is always gonna mess up your plans, and sure things may not turn out as well as they did for me this past weekend, but we can still hold our head high, and we can still live life to our fullest- if not for ourselves, for our loved ones.

Tonights Gonna Be a Good Night

Maybe, although I have the urge to cry my eyes out, and I dont even know why.
Life is great, I am getting everything that I want. I am moving forward, living every day and loving it. So why the sudden sadness?
I think it has to do with loneliness. I mean I dont understand it, but I guess it fits. I need a person to vent to a person who is there, physically and emotionally, no matter what. Someone who is close- see thats my problem. I have a couple of great friends and I absolutely adore my family, but friends arent always there emotionally- and who am I to put my worries on them? And family, unfortunately isnt there physically.
Oh well, its one of those times I realize whats going on, I recognize it, take a deep breath and put it aside, too much is going right for me to stumble here.

Heres to staying on your feet, especially when on the outside things look fine and you are emotionally jumbled like no other.

The Jessie Stats era is here! :)

Last night I got my first gig at doing books for the Transy men's basketball team. I had a blast, even if the short ref was a little scary!
Coach had told me to be in the gym at 4:30, and then we didnt even leave til roughly 5:30 or a little later. So, we get to Berea and I ask coach what he wants me to do. His response? "I didnt even know you were on the bus!" And he wanted me to do the books, but he didnt HAVE any books, luckily, I did. So I said, "You mean books like this one?" and he said yes. I felt awesome. And then one of the assistant coaches came to check out what I was doing. Asked if the book I had was a book that Transy had, and I said "No, I just happened to have it laying around." He laughed, and told me congrats on being more prepared for the game than they were. It felt great. And keeping the books is MUCH easier than keeping stats, how did I not realize this before?!

On another note. I think the Saint is scared or creeped out by me. Which saddens me greatly. I dont mean to be creepy. So now I have to find a way to descare him. And no, its not going to be an elaborate scheme. In fact, its going to be more of a lack of interest. Yes, I would like to ride the same bus as him, but really, I just want to ride the bus of players that actually occasionally talk to me- even if its not often. And he hangs out with the 2 that do. So, sorry bout your luck, but I do plan on riding the same bus, I wont sit next to you unless its the last seat though. Sorry pal.

Heres to doing scorebooks at away games but being able to enjoy the home games!

The Drive Home

I thought about him today, while driving home. No, not The Saint, and No, not the Angel- shoot I havent thought about him in ages. No, not Dylan. But James.
Yes, James, and No, it wasnt upsetting in the slightest.
I compartimentalize so well sometimes that I just need to let myself let go. Not in the he's out of my life way but the, I'm gonna let my thoughts go where they want to go and not be upset when they turn to James. And turn to him they did.
Its interesting looking back on the time that I was falling for him. I was ready to take a leap of faith, I was ready to try my hand at this whole relationship thing, but he was planning on moving, so we would have only had 2-3 months. I was ready, he was holding back. Which is fine, and you know even the best laid plans dont always work, he didnt move, hes still just 20 minutes down the road from Lex, but he does have a girlfriend now, and we do still talk. Mostly I make fun of him, or I am slightly snotty, but its not that I wish him ill will, not at all, its that if I dont poke fun at things, I dont know where my mind might go- you know the "Oh, hes talking to me, wheeeeeee" type of thing. I cant do that, I dont want to do that.
And if I've said something once, I've said it a thousand times: I am really, honest to goodness, truly happy right now. My life couldnt get much better.
And the best part about being able to let myself think of James, is that I dont dwell on the angst, I dont care about the times that I was wringing my hands trying to figure him out, but I do focus on the fun times that we had. And that my friends, I think, shows that, though it wasnt perfect, it was meant to be, and its good, and it was a growing experience.
So heres to moving on, but being able look back at the good times.

Fan Girl

Sometimes I feel like a fan girl when it comes to basketball. Yes, I am helping with Transy's team, which is SUPER exciting. And yesterday we played some local guys, coached by Kyle Macy with players like Bobby Perry and Lukasz Orbzut, and I was kind of super excited. BUT I was a good girl and didnt go all fan girl in their face, I mean I bet there is nothing worse than going fan girl in the face of players when said fangirl is also stats girl.

So, here's to keeping the fan girl inside of me, and not going all crazy when I meet some awesome basketball players! Oh, and this doesnt just go for the pro team, or for UK players (on the off chance that that happens) this goes for the Transy players that I am around every day.

Needless to say, I love these guys! (And somehow I dont think they know what has hit them yet) Yes, I am the stats girl, but I am also the number 1 cheerleader, the behind the scenes girl, and I cannot WAIT to see what the season brings!

Loving Life

So I see pictures on facebook and I sigh. Part of me wants to be part of that world, you know, like how The Little Mermaid feels, but at the same time I like the person that I am. I am not a party person, and I am not a part of that world. The guys see me and they say hi to me but that is about it, I don’t know why but our relationships just aren’t that deep and yes, it sounds funny, but I like these guys and not like I want to be with them, but rather I want to be their friend. I honestly think of myself as their biggest fan. I mean seriously who else- who doesn’t have a personal agenda- would go to so many games. Now, I am not saying that I don’t have a personal agenda, but I am not a girlfriend, I am not looking to get in bed with them and I am not a family member. In fact, I just want to be their friend. No one has too many friends right?
I know that before I have talked about these boys a lot and about a specific boy more often, but I have changed my lease on life. I have changed my outlook, with the help of a friend. I decided that I could focus my energy on being friends with him instead of focusing on how he notices me and when he notices me. So, I changed the rules of the game and already I have less butterflies- its great. I hope that I can keep this going.
In other news, I feel like I am growing as a person, and I kind of love it. I don’t think my life could get much better. I am doing ok in my classes, I am enjoying my classes. I am participating in basketball season in a way that I never have before and I love that, I cannot be more excited about this opportunity- I only hope that I don’t get fired from this job! I have a great family and I am thankful for my life- period. I need nothing more in my life. I feel as if my life is complete, for the first time ever. And I absolutely love it.
I am looking forward to the next step- graduate school. And to find success in this endeavor I need to keep focusing on the schoolwork that I have now, as well as studying for the GMAT test. I think I am going to ask my mom and grandma to help me study over Christmas break- if I can.
Here’s to changing the rules of the game in order to love the life you live and live the life you love!

Blessed

A song by Martina McBride

I may not always express my gratitude for having the life that I have, and as Addison Montgomery from Private Practice said "I dont have a visible wound, but I am still broken" I feel that mentally I am sometimes broken. BUT I am grateful. I love my family.
And today especially.
Today my dad turned 53. He had a heart attack 9 years and 5 months ago. His right coronary artery was 99% blocked, but angioplasty fixed it. My dad has had various other health issues in the last 9 years, BUT he is still alive, and he is still mobile. And for that I am grateful. I feel blessed.
I only hope that he will live to walk me down the aisle, that he will get to see MY kids grow up- not just my brothers.

And then there is my grandma- my moms mom. That woman, WHOA, she impresses me. Today mom and I were signed up for a 5K run/walk. But mom is sick, so grandma went in her place. And this 81 year old woman not only kept pace with me but pushed me to my limit. She is the BEST run/walk partner ever. And now we are BOTH exhausted! I am just plain amazed and awed.

I love my family. I worry that the glue is getting either too hot and melting or too cold and becoming brittle, but I hope we can keep it somewhat together. I mean it makes sense that the relationships change- even familial relationships change. But it is hard. And I dont necessarily like it.

So heres to family, and being healthy and happy, and blessed!

Mylifeisg

Today was my half birthday. I am 20 and 1/2. I think people should celebrate half birthdays more often, no I didnt celebrate today, but I have celebrated my half birthday before.

I am in a happy place right now. I dont know how long it will last, but I am going to soak it up as long as I can. I have been reading the websites my life is average and my life is g. And my reaction is that MY life is good. I mean things arent perfect. But that is ok. I have a family that loves me (mostly- I think!). I have always had encouragement from the people around me, no matter what I have decided to pursue. AND...Basketball season is here!

But oddly enough, you know what I am MOST grateful for? I am not pregnant nor do I have any kids. I mean sure I WANT kids, definitely, I want to adopt even. But right now, I am 20, finding myself, and being selfish about that is GREAT! I am respectful to just about anyone around me but I dont HAVE to answer to anyone, not really. And I see people my age and younger, and sometimes even people who are older, and its like they never got to live out the selfish phase of life, and they try to live it as they are raising kids, and it just doesnt work.

I havent seen the Saint in a week, at least. Its easy not to care when I dont see him, but I am sure once I lay eyes on him again my silly heart will either race or beat right out of my chest. All I can do is breathe and know that there will be an end to this- eventually.

I havent talked to James since his birthday. And it feels good, believe it or not.

I may be slow at deciding to move on, but once I do, I move on really well. Being busy helps. And then there's Matt, my current rock. I dont know that he has changed my life, but rather he has simply been there for me, and that is nice. There isnt anything there, we've already been down that road. But its nice to have a good guy friend who isnt gay, not that I dont love my gay friends, but having a straight, good guy friend is wonderful.

So heres to being happy, and actually believing (for once) that I dont need a guy to be happier. I am in control of my life, and I can make things happen! Damn it feels GOOD! :)

Transparent

I feel transparent, like everyone sees through me, sees that I have a crush on him. Its tough, I dont WANT to be transparent. I already have enough insecurities.

I dont want to be the butt of jokes. I dont want to be the gossip. I really hope people dont think that I am that pitiful.

Tail lights

Yes, I'm avoiding my homework/studying. I can only read one chapter at a time. And I need to retain the information because I have a test tomorrow.
Anyway, I look out of the study lounge and I see a dark blue Ford Truck, and the tail lights are on, and they have been on for at least an hour. I seriously hope that the owner doesnt get a dead battery but at the same time I think that I would laugh if they did. Does that make me a terrible person?
I dont really have much to report today. Although the Saint walked into the caf tonight and he took me by surprise, I literally was *this* close to jumping when I saw him. Knee-jerk reaction, that I wish didnt happen. I wish that my knee-jerk reaction was smile and say hey. Although I think I would pay big bucks to see my facial expressions when I see him. Haha. Regardless, this came after having a dream about him last night- he needed a picture to do a project with, and I happened to have the picture that he needed. This, coming after a dream where I survived a terrorist attack, which strikes me as funny, and honestly, the terrorist attack dream, though I was taken hostage was not all that scary. Maybe if I am involved in a terrorist attack I might survive? Lets hope I dont get the first hand chance to find that out! :)
OH and dont you just LOVE people who get really angry when you interrupt their stories yet interrupt yours at the drop of a hat? Sooner or later I'm gonna blow up at them when they interrupt me. But NO god forbid I ever interrupt them. UGH. I definitely cannot WAIT for fall break. And then hopefully AFTER fall break I will be busy with stats, either volleyball, basketball, or whatnot.
I'm not saying that I totally hate my roommate, because I dont, and we get along- most of the time, but our differences are bigger than differences that I have had with previous roommates. And I find myself spending less and less time in my room. Sooner or later the only time I'm gonna be in my room will be the time that I am sleeping.

Anyway, heres to my big test week, and hoping that all my tests turn out ok. :)

What I want most

Yes, two postings in one day.

I sit here, and I feel blessed to have the life that I have. I know that I am better off than most people in the world- yes the world, but at the same time I do not actually have infinite resources. However, I get to go to college, I get to follow my dreams, even if they seem silly, no one has ever told me that I won't go far.
Think of the people who dont get to follow their dreams. I am talking not only about the children who arent wanted or the kids who are abused, but adults to- they have dreams too. I am talking not only about our neighbors in the poor parts of America, but the world. How often are we told of statistics from countries around the world where people arent educated, where they have to walk for miles a day just for water or where they cannot get any medical treatment.
Now, I am not a doctor, I dont ever want to be a doctor, but I am sure that somewhere in Africa there are children who want to be doctors, who want to be lawyers, who want to be SOMEBODY. And what are we doing for those kids? Those adults? We are trying to send aide there. But is that what we need to do, really?
My mom told me the other day that we dont necessarily need to send the aid but maybe we need to invest in Africa. The question is how?
Now, my mom is a smart woman, and I generally listen to her. So this whole investing in Africa has gotten me thinking.
So when I grow up, I want to be able to invest in Africa. I will find a way (I am after all an accounting major!) and I want to change the lives of people who want it. I wont push a religion on these people- because I am not religious. I think there need to be more non-religious people in the world doing good things abroad, I want to find a way to do that. And people may laugh at me, may think that I should work on the US, but really, honestly EVERY country needs investment, I just choose to invest in Africa- which I realize is a continent and not a country, but for some reason- I cant explain it totally, I feel compelled by Africa. I want to do something good for that continent. I mean after all, it IS where my mom spent half her childhood- and yes that is PART of why I want to deal with Africa, but at the same time I am not convinced that her childhood is the only reason!

So, heres to my BIG dreams. Not the small dreams that I will accomplish by the end of this year, but if I am lucky, I can achieve my big dreams sometime within the next 15 years!

A Whole New World

Its almost official. I am just a letter away from no longer being in a sorority, this is thrilling. I realize that some of these people won't like me because of my decision and I realize that I might make some enemies because I didnt fit into the sorority prototype- I mean I am pretty close, but I like to have my own thoughts and thats generally looked down upon. And honestly, I cannot wait! I do NOT have any ill will towards anyone in a sorority, but the Greek system has flaws, and they are flaws that I refuse to be a part of. I am me, I do not judge people based on knowing them for 3 days, sorry, I cannot do that- not in a public way anyway.

Breaking News:
I talked to both the Assistant Athletic Director of Transy and the Men's basketball coach and they have both told me that they would love for me to help with stats.
The Asst. AD said that he would put me in the rotation for working home games. He asked if I was willing to learn other sports, and being the person that I am, I said YES, of course! So I am learning about volleyball. And honestly the other people at the table don't really talk to me, BUT I am still having fun. I cannot wait for basketball season! The Asst. AD also told me that I was a godsend, and an Angel falling from heaven. It reminds me of a corny pick up line, but what can I say? I am getting involved with athletics and that is all I have wanted for the past year to year and a half. I am SO thrilled.
Then when I talked to the Coach, he said that there were times at away games that they got burned because they didnt have someone doing the books. And he could definitely use my help. At every away game, unless it was a non-doubleheader overnight game, and thats because he doesnt have the budget to get me my own room. But still, he said that he would take me to the games! I am gonna be on the bus, with the team! He wants to use me for scrimmages and practices too, I cannot WAIT! I mean, seriously I am willing to maybe even sacrifice my fall break in order to get this party started! HAHA.

As for other things in life. Sports has started to take over, and I couldnt be happier about that, I mean, you all know- or have at least read, I am a sports nut. And these developments have been AMAZING, in my eyes.
OH OH OH, and the other day after the volleyball game the Saint said "Whats up Jess" I about had a heartattack, I couldnt believe it, not only did he say hi to me, but he knows my name, and shortened it to my favorite nickname.
I love when guys call me Jess, but I will NEVER tell someone to call me Jess, its gotta be something that they come up with on their own.

Its time to learn how to take everything in without being SO emotionally affected. Its hard, its going to be one of my biggest challenges, but I think I am up to it. I mean maybe, if he says hi to me I am not so creepy. Maybe, just maybe we could be honest to goodness friends.
So, heres to hoping, and the whole new world of getting involved with athletics. I will keep you posted!

Oh, and as for that guy that I wrote about all summer? Yea, we are slowly maybe forming a friendship, but its not the main part of my life, and for that I am grateful. It amazes me just how much our moods and emotions can shift. People who stay on an even keel emotion wise, well I bow down to them, because I find that incredible difficult. :)

There's more to me than you

Jessica Andrews

Yesterday he talked to me, he talks to me almost once a week to once ever 10 days or so. Usually he starts with something about him like "I might be getting a new truck" or, in the case of last night "you know you love my new pictures." But to be honest when I saw that he uploaded pictures I made a hard, but conscious decision that I would hide all of his stuff from my news feed, so no I actually hadnt seen these pictures. And because I am not a bitchy person I didnt ignore him, but said nope I havent actually seen those pictures. So he told be about what they were and such, and I reacted slightly bitchy, sure, I guess part of it was because I felt like crap but more than anything I reacted in a bitchy way because I am so tired of only talking to him when HE feels like it, thats no way to live a life.
So after I got off, again, in a slightly bitchy way, and went to bed I spent the next 2 hours, yes 2 hours writing messages to him.
First I thought I would put the "I remember" on facebook, and tag him. But I am not THAT bitchy.
Then I thought I would just send it to him in a message.
And then I wanted to just say look, I am sorry I was short and terse with you tonight, but it would be nice if you sometimes just said "hey, hows it going?" Instead of starting a conversation with something about yourself.
I wanted to tell him that the reason behind my actions was because I realized that I deserved better, honestly, I HAVE been treated better in the weeks since he and I stopped really talking.
I wanted to tell him that I miss him, that I thought he and I had something real, but I have since seen two very different sides of him.
But I didnt say any of that.
I didnt say anything period.
I woke up and opened my facebook and he had written in the facebook chat that I wasnt me when I was sick. So he noticed. But he thinks its because I am sick that I act this way. He doesnt know that I'm just trying my hardest and that I am struggling to move on.
Part of me thinks that if I just spell it out for him he will understand. But most of me says that even if I spell it out for him he doesnt really care, so why bother?
Ah, the life we live is surrounded by the lives others live and you know, when lives come together and are so close that they are weaved together, thats great, but sometimes if the weave isn't perfect it makes for a hole, or a messy knot. And it is up to us to remember that those holes, those knots make for character in the tapestry of life, and we cant, and we shouldnt go back and fix it, because who wants something that is always perfect?
Here's to a messy tapestry of life, and learning how to keep those holes and knots from defining you but at the same time letting them show that your character has grown because of them.
I hope that makes some sort of sense! :)

Something to think about

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Sometimes a life is taken away before it is fully lived. Thus, heres to living the life that we have, while we still have it.

I went to school with 2 of the 3 guys in this article.

All the Single Ladies

(Beyonce)- Its just what is stuck in my head at the moment!

There's this thing called life, and it has good days and bad days. Day where you want to cry and days where everything is perfect, and sometimes those days happen consecutively.
The point is there IS a tomorrow. Though that tomorrow isnt what you should life BY, its what you should live for. IN other words- dont waste your days waiting for that better tomorrow, live the stressful days, the ones where you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Because its those hard days that help us deal with other hard days. Its the knowledge that the bad days will at some point take a break and we will have a good day.
And it doesnt have to be a completely wonderful day, in order for you to be happy. You can even have moments of happiness on a bad day.

So heres to pushing through the tough parts, living them, but believing that something better will happen at some point!

Cry me a river

By Justin Timberlake (yup, haha)

So after a summer saying that it would be really nice to have a guy who would just tell me if he was busy and couldnt talk, I got just that.
Let me explain.
There were times when James wouldnt talk to me, and he said that he was busy and not ignoring me but I never knew when those times would be- so how was I supposed to know not to talk to him? All it would have taken was a text saying "hey, sorry I cant talk right now" and I would have been fine, I would have not worried, I would have not texted, things would have been wonderful. However, he never gave me such a response.

Good riddance to him.

Moving on. I have this friend, someone who is turning into a great friend. OK so today I texted said friend with a "hey amigo" and then later I got "hey sorry im workin today cant really talk" and I smiled, and danced and told anyone who would listen to me because FINALLY someone got it.

Now, it isnt likely that this person and I will turn into anything more than just friends, but I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have someone get it.
This person, yes its Matt, has been a cheerleader for me lately, being an ear if I need to vent and just plain one of the best friends a girl could ask for! :)

Here's to having someone there to help you realize that what you want isnt nuts. To having someone who understands, even if it is a subconscious act on their part!

All things, my friends, come to an end, the good and bad, the happy and sad, and the trials and tribulations, so smile, put on your brave face and sooner or later your brave face will morph into your happy face without you having to arrange it that way! :)

Dreaming

It might not be the best situation, but I have met the man of my dreams. Literally, I dreamt about him just last night. But in actual reality I've known him for I guess about a year and a half or just a little bit more.

It started when I watched him play, I've said it before and I will say it again- I have never seen someone play with such passion, and that is what drew me in.
I cant seem to get him out of my head, and almost everytime I think of him he appears. whether he walks into the caf, or appears online on facebooke or whatever, he just randomly shows up.
My only problem? I seem to be tongue-tied everytime I see him. It sucks. What I wouldnt give to have a conversation with him.
I think he knows that I exist, but I want more than that!

I would tell you his name, but I know that at least one random person at Transy has read this blog before and I wouldnt want to give TOO much away! :)

I wish for basketball season to be here, not just because I love the game, but it would mean being able to watch him play once again, and talking with his grandparents, who I adore!

So today heres to wishing that dreams came true, and the slim chance that anything could happen!

I remember

I remember the party, and seeing something in your eyes that I had never seen before
I remember the night I ran back to the room, the night that my grandma's boyfriend had died, and I was depressed, you made me laugh, even when the very next emotion was sadness with tears.
I remember going to walmart in the middle of the night and playing "never have i ever"
I remember not getting properly scared.
I remember that my dad liked you and trusted you, which made me think somehow this was different
I remember making lots of plans that never got carried through
I remember you talking to my sister-in-law and telling her why you were scared of "us"
I remember my brother saying that guys are just weird sometimes and thinking it wasnt a big deal.
I remember not wanting to be needy, and really trying hard to not care so much.
I remember laughing and hugging
I remember my innocence and how important it turned out to be.
I remember everyone saying that we were good for each other- actually they still do.
I remember needing a break, and you telling me that it wouldnt be the last time that we would talk.
I remember smiling because I never cried for you or over you, and to me that was a big deal.
I remember your plans for moving to Tennessee and how big of a deal that was.
I remember you asking me to trust you, because you hadnt left me.
I remember meeting you 6 months ago today.
I remember you.
One thing that I dont remember... you staying, like you said you would.

Heres to finding the will and the way to move on. Damnit! :)

Emotionally Desperate

I was talking to a friend last night and trying to work through some things and I said something to the effect of that I am emotionally desperate, and she agreed. So I asked her to elaborate, and this is what she said:

well.... first there was dylan, and all the emotional trauma that came w/ that, and then there was james, and E V E R Y T H I N G that went/is going with that... and you're struggling with your brothers and your parents, and your job and the car..... you have a lot on your mind. Having a boy you can entrust your thoughts and feelings into is a big deal. Girlfriends can only do so much, can only go to a certain level.

And you know, she is exactly right. This is something that I havent been able to articulate, but because she has heard all of it she did.

So whats next for me?
Good question, I dont think that anything will change, persay.
No, I will just dig down a little deeper and work on being just me.
I sometimes feel very needy and I dont want to be so needy, so working on independence, so to speak will be good.
Another thing that I need to do is to remove the idea that I am creepy, because really, as I've been told I'm NOT creepy. I feel like I come off as the "creepy girl that sits in the middle at every game and takes stats" but friends and family say that the guys probably dont really care all that much, and if anything they like having a dedicated fan.
So yea, I may not hang out with the basketball players, or the baseball players or the soccer players, so maybe I'm just a silent fan, ok I'm not that silent, but still. A fan that shows up for the games and doesnt expect to hang out afterwards. Is that a good thing or no? I dont know, but it is just a part of who I am, so maybe, it doesnt really matter.

Today, heres to the Big Blue (UK is playing UL in football) and embracing who I am, without thinking of myself as creepy!

It amazes me

Less than 2 years ago, I laid eyes on him at a basketball game, and when I see him I still get butterflies.
If we make eye contact my heart alternates between skipping a beat and beating right out of my chest.
I've never really had much of a conversation with him.
And yet, he still has this effect on me... I dont understand.
But thats life.

Two years later.

It has now been two years since my grandma passed away.
Last year I wrote that I was living so that she would be proud of me, and I still stand by that statement. I remember last year on the anniversary of her death it was a pretty rainy nasty day, and instead of being annoyed by the rain, I celebrated it, I remember smiling and dancing in the rain, and I DONT do that often!
So today was a beautiful day, and my grandma was on my mind the whole day. I started the day by walking to the farmers market and buying local produce, and then I talked to some friends and then I went to the park and sat outside while doing homework, just enjoying the day. After that I bought some books to read for fun and went to Panera for some sweet tea. At Panera I ran into an old friend and so I chatted with her for a while. By this time it was dinner time. After dinner we went played buzzword and goofed around, and now, as I sit back, I think of today as the perfect day. I got some work done and I got to just enjoy the day. Nothing could have made it a better day.
Todays motto was to LIVE life, to enjoy the world around me. I know that I want to live life with no abandon and if I am scarred by hurt or anger, life isnt going to be good. So dont dwell on the bad things, look forward to each new day, each new beginning. And go out with a bang. Live a life that people will want to CELEBRATE once you are gone and not mourn. Because if they mourn too much for you, then they cant live their lives, and thats not a good situation.

So Grandma, once again this day is dedicated to you. I remembered you, as I always do, and I think you would still be proud of me. I love you and I miss you, but I am still alive and so heres to living MY life! :)

Sharing some analogies

The first one. A friend asked me what it was like to be in a plane. And this is what I said:
Being in a plane is like being in a rollercoaster and driving a car at the same time. It is noisy but you can see the world around you. And then theres the turbulance, it will make your stomach drop and take your breath away. But that is my favorite part, the turbulance. That, and the clouds. When you are in a plane its like the clouds are the ground and you are floating on an invisible ocean on top or in between the layers. I always want to reach my hands out and grab some of the cloud. Just because its right there. I always day dream of laying on a cloud and watching as the world goes by. Being in a plane for me is the most natural, most soothing thing in the world. It is where I am at my most peaceful.

As for the second analogy.
Life is like a song. Not necessarily a song with lyrics but the instrumental part of a song.
For a song, it needs all the elements of music before it sounds right, before it can come together. Life needs lots of key elements too.
But once the elements are together there is a great song, just as every life has a story.
So the song will start out with something simple, maybe one instrument, but then it gets more complicated which is what reflects the hard parts of life, and in between the addition of the instruments and the changing of the tempo you get a feel for how a life story is going to flow, there are some things that are predictable but just when you get comfortable the music changes again, maybe there is another instrument added, maybe one is gone, but nonetheless instruments, like people throughout our lives, will come and go. And then something will happen, it doesnt have to be loud, or big, but something will happen, and the song will come to a close, and right before the song ends, it becomes less complicated- its like a death, whether peaceful, with loved ones, or with the resounding crash of a disaster.

So heres to the love of flying, and finding your own life's song!

A Glutton for Punishment

Sitting here, minding my business on my computer and he says something to me on facebook chat. Longshanks. Who on Sunday didnt know who I was because he had gotten a new phone and didnt transfer my number over, or whatever. But he talked to me. I'd like to think that we are friends. Maybe? Possibly? Could it be? I hope so. But does that make me a sucker. I mean yes, I responded to him, because I'm not rude. Only once have I not responded to something that he said, I'm just not a petty person, I cant help it, I dont like ignoring people. But maybe hes just stringing me on, I really shouldnt get my hopes up. I'll just end up disappointed. Its happened everytime before, so why not now? I really can convince myself that this time its different, but it doesnt matter if I think its different, what matters is if it really IS different, and THAT is unlikely.
So heres to trying to detach my emotions from this boy. If he wants to stay in contact, I can try that. It will only be a lesson for next time, one way or another!

Its amazing, being written out of someones life

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes its a good thing, and then there are times that it just plain takes you by surprise. And sometimes, being deleted out of someones life is good and sad all at the same time. ,
Why do we set ourselves up to be let down over and over again? Seriously do we NOT learn our lesson the first time or do we just really hope that the person has changed THAT much?

To do something I talked about previously...
Longshanks: This is for you. Thank you for being a friend when I needed one so bad. Thank you for being the support, and thank you for courting me, so to speak. Maybe it wasnt our time, and for a long time I really did just think that it was bad timing, But then again maybe its just the way life is supposed to be, you my friend are very suave with the words, but really suck at following through. Yes, I should be over you, over this, but you did mean a lot to me, and I am not over you, or over this. I will work harder, and maybe it will get better. Hopefully it will get better. Happy life to you, I will always care, but I dont have to keep setting myself up for failure. So good life to you!

Here's to good friends, good booze and the hope that I WILL find someone, someday who might actually treat me well. (yes I got that from white horse by Taylor Swift.)

Things People Say.

Lady Antebellum.

I want to write letters to some of the people in my life, almost like those Senior wills that we have in high school, but I just dont know where to start. I am really good at coming up with what I want to say as I am drifting off to bed, and no, I dont sleep with a computer right by my head so as to quickly jot those thoughts down, however I have installed some paper and a pen near my bed so that I can try that.
People I would write letters to:
Long Shanks- a letter of thanks more than anything else.
Boots- this letter would have all kinds of information
TPB- another letter of thanks
ok, so those are the main people, there was someone else, but I have forgotten.

In other news.

I made a connection, or rather a reconnection. The one and only boy that I have actually dated, and called my boyfriend is back in my life. And he is almost exactly how I remember him. Theres s much that is different though, but yet it is all still the same. He always was real with me, and he is still. He always liked contact, and that hasnt changed either, not only do we text a lot but also we have a running facebook conversation going on and it is fun. Its been a long time since I have had a guy friend from high school, who knows some of my history, and reconnected with them in this next chapter of my life. Its weird but at the same time wonderful.
He makes me smile and hes really a nice guy. I am glad that he doesnt remember that I treated him badly because I seriously thought that I broke this guys heart and that I treated him horribly. He asked me the other day details about our relationship- really just how long we dated and why we broke up. But I dont know many guys that would ask those questions and REALLY listen to the answers. He did.
I am such a detail person I shared more than he asked for and his response was that some people just remember details better. He didnt that it was creepy. It is reassurance from him as well as the others in my life that I am realizing maybe I'm not quite as creepy as I see myself as. I just hope that I DONT cross that line! lol.

And then theres going through emotions. haha. I think about reactions, some that just happen, whether its anger or sadness or what but geez I feel like I am an emotional roller coaster, and it isnt really necessary! So heres to becoming more even keel in the emotions department! HAHA. We will see how that goes. And sometimes I feel as if I am complaining TOO much about what I am going through, and I feel bad, but at the same time, I am an open book and I dont hide much. But I need to work on not complaining soo much! (But then again, maybe its one of those perception things too)

You know, in life there are people out there who dont always do what they say they are gonna do, I am not one of those people, and then I feel bad when I cant deliver what people ask of me. But I have to learn not to be used, to stand up for myself, while still helping those around me.

So heres to the people who have helped me, the people who have taught me lessons, not being so emotional and always doing what one says.

What do you do when the world starts to slip away?

First, I found out Sunday that a classmate of mine from high school was killed in a car wreck. He wasnt driving but his cousin was, and well its thought that they had probably been drinking. This guy, though I probably didnt ever really exchange words with him was the popular, jock that the whole school adored. So when you are roughly 1500 miles away and you find something like this out, it wrenches your heart. I know almost exactly what they are feeling, and as one person said, this is gonna be a sad high school reunion that has happened all too soon. Therefore, though I cannot be there and I might seem aloof, my heart aches for the Smith family and all of my friends that are having to go through this.

Second, I have just recently been in contact with my ex-boyfriend, the only one that I've really had. And its been fun, we joke around and make fun of each other so much and it feels great. Its been almost 4 years since we dated, and a little more than 2 since we've hung out, but in that time i think and hope that we have both grown up, so that we CAN be friends, and who knows maybe later something more, but thats counting my chickens before they hatch, and I've been really working at NOT doing that! Regardless, talking to this boy has been a great refreshing experience.
I dont know where this is going, but it makes ignoring James a little easier. Wait, ignoring is not a good word, I made a list of things that I should do on my way to New England this past Saturday, and they were 1. Not talking to James for a week, just to take a break, if I want, first thing Monday I can text him. 2. I had to be upfront with Matt, and I have accomplished that. 3. Dealt with finding a new car and 4. Dealt with school. Anyway, moving right along.
My thoughts are running around multiple things, and I feel kind of peaceful. Amazing, no?! Eh, I have a feeling it wont last for long.
There is more that I want to put on but cant find the words.

In other news, it was discovered today that the other day when mom, grandma and I stopped somewhere to hike up just a little bit, that we were in fact hiking on the Appalachian Trail, amazing no? I want to do more. I find that though I like being in contact with the world, I also like hiking and would even like to go backpacking at some point, so maybe I should start with getting into it slowly, with like the Sierra Club or something?!

So here's to new experiences, and going for something that one has always wanted to do.

One Day You Will.

Lady Antebellum

It happens. One day you are so agast over this boy, things arent going anywhere and you are SOO hung up on him (happens to me all the time) but at some point my body takes over, and tells both my head and heart that its time to move on.

So its time to move on.

This one wasnt the one for me, neither was the last one, or the one before that. And why the hell am I looking for 'the one' you ask? Well because although I have grand ideas and grand plans, the fact of the matter is that I will probably marry the first guy that I ever have a lasting relationship with. Again you ask why? Because call it a curse or a blessing, but I havent had a relationship with any guy, or at least a long one, and you know why? because theres been ONE ITTY BITTY LITTLE thing that holds me back, and it turns out that LITTLE thing saved me a lot of heartache.

So I am back to being me, the strong me.

I can and have gotten through all the hurdles thrown at me thus far, so I can keep going, and slowly but surely I feel the confidence building, maybe I'm not the creeper that I always think that people might perceive me as. Maybe just maybe someone will see me, the real me.

Maybe someday I will be at the summer party that my family has with this person. And you know what? He is going to have to convince at least 40 people that hes genuine, and thats ok, and he will. And afterwards he will hold my hand and open the car door for me, and we will go home- together. This my friends, is my current dream.

Fight Like a Girl

by Bomshel.

Every day is a new day. Every day, I think of you less.
Every day, I still want you more.

Why is it that your best friend talks to me more than you do.
What about that apartment on THAT night made me SO interesting?
I mean seriously, I didnt want three guys to be attracted to me, I wanted/ still want ONE guy to want a relationship with me.

My head knows whats good, my head wants to let go, but unfortunately my heart has other ideas, its still holding tight.

Dont.

Dont you wish we tried. Do you feel what I feel inside. You know my love is stonger than pride.
Song By Shania Twain.

Still Confused.
Need to seriously wait for him to text me first, but I fear that he wont. Even our limited contact has been better than the no contact that we had for 2 weeks.
I guess I just have to suck it up and go with the flow. Yea, its gonna suck, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I dont know much, but I do know that if not talking to someone was killing me, that I would talk to them. Im not saying I want to talk to him 24/7 but I would like to initiate SOME contact.
So heres to the waiting- lets hope its not a 2 week ordeal! :)
Wait, is this punishment for me saying that we shouldnt talk? Is he making me wait like I did that for him? But thats not really fair because I warned him that we shouldnt talk, that I was having issues with the separation of friendship vs. romantic feelings. UGH I dont get it.

But what I want most? To see him, to surprise him at work, does that make me a horrible person, or just a hopeless romantic? haha

Everyday

Rascal Flatts song.

Today there has been a quote passing through my head. "Dont make someone a priority if they make you an option." So yes, that see-saw that I have been on for some time is at play once again.
He isnt a priority, not now, but I do like talking to him. He said he was dying not talking to me, but I havent seen any of that come into play. Somewhere, somehow I have to find the strength- the willpower to not talk to him until/unless he talks to me.

Here's to that stubborn Carnes streak, lets put it to good use!

What a Beautiful Day

Song by Chris Cagle.

I cant find the right words. I cant find the right description. Everthing swirls around and nothing gets pinned down.

This is not a good place for a person who likes to have the answers. I am not good at living without answers. But the one person who has the answers isnt very forth coming- they need space.

So heres the issue, space vs. answers.

Right now, space is winning.

I dont want to drive you away because of my questions.

Anything But Mine

Kenny Chesney song.

We are talking again. 12 days no talking and I about lost my mind- as you can read.

Still, is this good? Or am I just feeding a heartsick mind?

Really, it was killing you not talking to me? How can I not fall for that, how can I keep my head on me and focus on the fact that YOU dont want anything, at least not now, right? I am good at compartamentalizing, but I dont know if I am THAT good.

Stronger woman

So I couldnt keep up the no talking, my willpower deteriorated, but I reasoned that it was ok to talk to him if all I was trying to salvage was the friendship. So yes, I sent him a message, and no I dont know how he reacted, I dont know what hes going through, but I left it up to him. I said that I missed my friend, but did not beg for contact, instead I just told him that he knew how to get a hold of me. I have no control over his talking to me and I dont know what hes going through, but I am working on rewrking my ideas of whats going on. Yes he was scared of forcing me into something or hurting me, but I think at this point we have crossed that bridge, and the question is whether or not we ARE actually friends, and if we are I guess we are still on a hiatus. And I dont know whats going on, but I work hard to live life with no regrets, and I think that I would have regreted NOT reaching out and saying "hey I am ready to talk again when you are". So thats where things are now. Have I messed something up? I dont know, but then again it doesnt really matter.

Addiction

Yesterday, and then again today- I saw you online, I wanted to talk SO bad, but I just couldnt I dont know that enough time has passed- in fact im pretty sure that NOT enough time has passed because I still think about you, constantly.

Live your life

Life isnt perfect, it never has been it never will be, but there are moments in one's life that seem to be pretty perfect. I havent had any of those moments since early June, I think that the last pretty perfect moment that I had was June 7th. But thats not the topic today, lol.

After the past three days that I have had, days that have been sucky, today was a better day. Oddly enough, I think the rain that we had yesterday took the black cloud that was hanging over my head away! Well that, and a good dose of exercise. We got a wii fit yesterday and that thing is definitely a workout! So after my exercise I got a better hold and a happier perspective on life. I shouldnt be sad because we decided to go our separate ways for now, I should celebrate the fact that we are grown up enough to talk things through, realize that the timing is wrong, as well as the fact that we do care for one another. :)

Theres an undercurrent to this all, and I dont know what it is or what it means yet, but its definitely something that I am working on. HA, the little detective in me! heehee.

So heres to finding things out, and discovering a new perspective, where it doesnt do any good to have a pity party, but rather asserting one's self is the way to go! Good luck to the stronger women in us all.

Strange... Ride... Cry

Three song titles from 3 great artists. Reba, Martina and Faith. And I am going through some of what all these songs talk about.

I just want to cry, but I cant. Its not that I am trying to hold back the tears, but rather they just wont come. I want nothing more than to lock myself up and cry for 2 days, but somehow since I've told myself that crying is fine, that its ok, that its just what I need, the tears just wont come.

I may not be perfect, I think about him all the time, especially in the past 3 days, which have SUCKED, but I am strong- and I have got to follow through with what I said, not because I want to stick to my word, but because I know that I will be stronger if I do.

I feel as if I am trying to stop an addiction that I had. There is one habit/addiction that I do have, and I have never been able to give it up- even when trying and this not talking is much like stopping my habit. The first few days were fine, I felt as if I made the right decision, but then there was a bump in the road, and I just want to start all over, go right back to where we were- but I know that I cant, because I am just going through a little bit of withdrawl. I want to talk to you so much that I ache, but I have got to get through this, not just for myself, but also so I can be a role model for others. The world is bigger than just me and my feelings- and though I share my life openly with friends and family, part of it is so that they can see the strength that I hope that I have, that I believe that I have, and that they can find that strength in themselves.

Several weeks ago I wrote that I was at a crossroads and I had to wait for the storm to pass to decide which road I was going to take. Well I think that the storm has passed, at least for now, and I will take a path that runs just parallel to the road that I was on. New paths are scary and I am not ready for that just yet, I guess. But I cant be on that same road I WAS on, because some little things have changed. And I dont dare walk on that path that I came from, because that would be counterproductive.

The bottom line today- is that sure I want to talk to him, but I wont because I have the determination, the willpower to stick to a decision that I made last week and I believe that I am still a little too emotional to reverse that decision. So I know things will work out the way they are meant to, and I just have to live life, make decisions and like the woman that I become. :)

I cant breathe without you but I have to breathe without you

This blog is my outlet, the place where I can say everything that I want to say, but that I'm scared to say.
The title of this blog is from the song "Breathe" by Taylor Swift and it captures the emotion and feeling that is going through my head now.

I dont think I have lost him. I still consider him a friend but the no talking deal that I proposed is taking a toll on me, I almost caved today- was *this* close to texting him.

This is the part of the healing process where I have to go back, remember all the strength that I had just a few days ago, and remember that it ISNT over, its just different.

This blog is like my own personal post secret, only I am too scared to send a secret in, so I write it where anyone can see it, counting on the fact that no one will. Is that sad, realisitic, or just odd? I welcome and encourage all thoughts, and comments, that is if anyone reads this! :)

Dont Stop Believing

Just saw that on someone's facebook and it seemed appropriate.
Yesterday I saw a piece of flair on facebook that said "Beautifully Broken" and it stirred a lot of thought, who knew? See, I added the piece of flair but then I thought about it, I am not beautifully broken, Im not even broken at all, I am beautifully put together by all the things that have happened in my life. Sure Timmy B. was hard and I felt broken but it was because of him that I now have a huge respect for myself and DONT lay my heart out for everyone to see, ok well I guess I tell pretty much anyone who will listen- except for the actual person that has caught my eye so to speak. Yes, sometimes I feel as if I am just tied together with a smile, but smiling is my favorite and it can make the whole world better.
It doesnt matter where I started, or the things that deterred me or pushed me forward, but what really matters that no matter what, I keep moving forward (no matter how fast or slow) and that I DONT stop believing that things will turn out ok. Sure there will be trying times, sure I will want to give up, sure I will fall flat on my face, but at the same time I ALWAYS have the option of getting back up, and thats all that I have to do. Maybe someday when things get hard I will have someone who loves me that I can lean on for support, but until then, I only have to answer to myself, I only have to take care of myself, and I only have to support myself.

And whoever you are, whoever is reading this, I challenge you to believe in yourself and support yourself. It really is an amazing feeling. :)

Time to start the healing

So I dont know about all the other girls around, but I've seen the quote "No boy is worth your tears and the one that is wont make you cry" and its now hitting home. That boy that I was writing about yesterday, I've never actually cried over him. Everything that has happened throughout our friendship/courtship I've always been very "go with the flow" and it worked. Sure my feelings are hurt, yes, I really like him, but if its meant to be it will. I honestly think that IF it had happened this summer it would have been hard, and maybe thats just not whats meant for us now. Maybe we will just always be friends- because I do believe that we are friends, even if I have to take a break from talking to him for now. Or maybe just maybe some day we could be something more- but you know it doesnt matter, I have been able to open up- maybe not so much on the outside but I definitely know what I want and what I WONT settle for. And even if sometimes frustrating he was always a good friend, talking me through things, and yes there were times where I didnt hear what I wanted to hear (or anything for that matter) but he treated me well, overall. So no, we werent meant to have a romantic relationship at this point, but we have a friendship that I think can survive the rocks- even if they are rocks that we both throw in the way. And that might sound that Im trying to hold on to something, but Im really not. Im just in a happy place- realizing that I am me, and that if people want to be in my life, then they can, and I dont need a man in my life- in fact I may be too independant for one! ha. But I can do the things that I enjoy and thats all that matters right now. :)

To fellow strong girls, or even women who are struggling, the bottom line is that you have to believe in yourself, because honestly you are the only one that you have to live with, everyone else is just optional. So make yourself happy, do the things that YOU want to do, and dont settle for something that YOU dont want. YOU deserve the best, and so do I. And sometimes the BEST is to be single, surrounded by friends and family and holding out- because you want a King, not the Jack of Hearts! :) Good luck to us all!

Love Lockdown

I could say that I dont know why I keep writing on this blog, but thats only a half lie. I keep writing in the hopes that someone someday will benefit from it, but at the same time I have the hope that the people that I talk about, the people that I should talk TO would read this and be able to understand maybe everything that I cant say.
The only thing that I DO know about this blog is that I find comfort from writing it, and there's at least one person that reads it- even if not regularly.
There's something to be said for getting everything out so the world can see it, even if the world chooses not to.

I should have known that the night that I talked to Ibrahim that whatever James and I had was over. I know that sounds funny, but somehow Ibrahim always contacts me RIGHT after something has gone wrong with a different guy. I find this quite fascinating. I think I've noticed more this time because its been such a short time. See in March when I was dealing with the Dylan ordeal, I talked to Ibrahim. And by that time I was done with Dylan and talking to Ibrahim was a great therapy- just something normal to do even if we dont talk all that often. But then when Ibrahim talked to me not even a week after James said that he "would want to do more than {I} have done and [he] didnt want to put me in that position" (basically what I got from that was that he wanted to have sex, and apparently didnt want to push that on me), I should have known to just be done with James. I know that sounds bad, that I feel as if I should abandon a relationship because another guy talked to me but I dont see it as that way. Ibrahim has a way of contacting me at some of the most random, most needed moments in my life and THATS the reason I should have known. Ever since then James and I have been walking and interesting tightrope- he had a top secret conversation with my sister-in-law and wont tell me what its about other than hes scared of something that is "complicated" and he wont let me in. We had been talking, and even said that we were going to be friends "for now" and that we wouldnt rule out the possibility of a different relationship later. But since this past Sunday I havent heard from him save the occasional forwarded text message. But that only counts as me knowing that hes still alive! haha.

For someone who is scared about pushing me into something that I've never done, this guy just doesnt realize that life is about taking chances, being risky, and hoping for the best. I am a strong girl, and I can take care of myself, if I dont like something then I will either say stop or I will leave- simple as that, I dont really play games- I am NOT compelled to be with someone just because its whats expected, nope sorry, I am an individual and I can make my own decision. I mean if he thinks he will be abusive if I say no then I'm glad that hes not pursuing something, but if hes just scared that one or both of us will get hurt, then yea, thats life, sometimes people get hurt- but seriously we have to take a chance, if its something that I have learned in the past year (a year of HUGE change on my part) then its that you gotta take risks, chances, put your heart and soul out there for people to see, because that, my dear is how you find the people that really want to and DESERVE to be in your life. Sure people will say things like "you should be more outgoing, if nothing else, then for me, because I havent left" and then 4 months later be on the verge of leaving, but its how you deal with your disappointment in these people that will help you later in life. Life is all about chances, opportunties, and then regret. So do what you want, dive in head first, even if you are afraid of hitting your head on concrete- life is leap of faith. So hold your breathe, close your eyes and JUMP! Because whether you come out victorious or not, its something that you WANTED to do, and THATS what's important. But then again if what you say is different than what you want- like you SAY that your scared of getting hurt, but really you just DONT want a relationship, then buddy, own up. Say what you mean, men and women have enough troubles communicating cross-gender, dont make it more difficult by saying something that you really dont mean- it only makes matters worse.

Honestly I cant really say what I feel about this boy, on the one hand it felt so real, natural. But on the other hand I dont like to be led on and its starting to feel that way. I feel for him, got dropped on my ass, but I WILL get back up and move on, I just gotta catch my breath first.

Once burned twice shy woman with a jaded eye....

wants it all and nothing less.

I thought that maybe he was different, that he really cared that life was finally sending someone that I could have a relationship with, but the question now is if thats true, I dont know anymore.
Is he really that noble in not wanting to push me too far or is it a cover up? Everyone keeps telling me that I need to talk to him, but my god thats easier said than done, and I even had my chance last night, he called me- I had a captive audience.
I know he has a past, I know hes known for being a player, and I know I should give up, but I cant- theres a pull there that even if we dont have something NOW, I think there is the chance of still having something later. Is that dumb? I dont know, I have never felt like this before. The whole experience with him is different than what I've ever had before. So do I trust him, or do I look to the past. How am I to know that he hasnt changed. But then again, for arguments sake, how do I know that he HAS changed?

If I was brave enough, I would talk to him and ask him flat out:
Do you like me, want a relationship with me?
I realize that you are scared but life is full of scary things, are you really worried about me or are you worried about me hurting you?
And I would tell him that life is all about embracing new experiences, even if they are scary, its just part of life, and if it doesnt work out it will make us stronger in the long run.
I realize that real relationships are hard, take time and effort and are sometimes really frustrating. But at the same time there are the good things, and he told my sister-in-law that he wants to talk to me so even if he IS scared, he isnt giving up, just yet.
To tell you the truth, I am scared too. I have NEVER ever before been in a situation like this and my god I dont know which way to turn. So I will stand at the crossroads for a while, just waiting for the storm to pass and then maybe I will have a clearer view of what my destination might be.
And I doubt he will read this but if he does, this my friend is everything that I have a hard time saying in person, because honestly I dont want you to take it the wrong way. Ultimately I try my very hardest to protect myself and if I say these things to you then it leaves me more vulnerable.

Life is good- if sometimes frustrating

As I type this I am in the middle of a family vacation, all 11 of us... 7 adults and 4 children under the age of 7- and its been pretty good.
I dont know really where to start with this, working on letting things just flow out of my head and onto the screen I guess. I was confused and yes a little hurt when he told me that overall he would want more than I have ever done in a relationship and he didnt want to put me in that position. There are several ways to look at this, first I thought it was at least thoughtful that he said that outright- even if I did have to kind of pin him down. Secondly, who in their right mind would want ONLY a relationship with the things that I have done- even I am looking for something more, however, I dont want to base a relationship on sex or the implications of sex- which is what I told him.
I wanted to keep the friendship alive, but I really dont know how well thats gonna go because he sends messages like "Good morning beautiful" and "Im so lonely in bed this morning, I wish you were here"- that doesnt sound like someone who is giving up, nor does it sound like someone who got turned down- for all intensive purposes. So what gives? Is it that hes trying to stay in my good graces? or Does he actually have real feelings for me and still want me around? I dont get it, why do people have to sugar coat things, why cant someone just say what they mean?! But I cant say that I dont like this distraction, becuase it keeps me from focusing on all the little irritations that living in a house with 10 people creates! HAHA.
I guess we will just see how things pan out.

Cant take my eyes off you

Ive always been a hopeless romantic and thought all the little sayings were cute, but never before have I actually been able to apply those saying to my life- until now. And it is all very scary, I dont understand a lot of whats happening, I am just trying to tread water here, I have fallen for him- that much I know. There is an attraction, we both feel it. He sometimes calls me beautiful and babe, and I melt every time. We have a easy, nice relationship, theres just one problem- the distance. I know people say that long distance relationships are hard, and I get that, ive never doubted that, but I have tried to make plans with him, tried to see him and its not working. I think he wants to see me- or at least thats what he says, but I mean COME ON make the time, ask me to come visit, is it really that hard?
The funny thing is even with this problem of not getting to see one another, I just long to be with him, to spend time with him, its like everytime plans are broken I just want to see him that much more. And its turning into an ache, never before have I had an ache like this. And I dont know what the next step is, I guess its to tell him this- even if I am scared to, because one of two things can happen- either he will understand and make the time to see me, or thats it and I never see him again- or something in between. And though it wouldnt be easy to live with the second option- I will and can deal with whatever outcome happens. I am strong enough to do that.

This post's title is that of a Lady Antebellum song that I have truly fallen in love with- it describes my emotions almost to the T.

New Poem

"Not 'the End'"

It's funny that because of you
i found a friend who treats me true
a person willing to listen
and keep me woring toward my vision
you weren't the one for me
that much is plain to see
but I am grateful
for all the things that made you hateful
because thats the reason
that ultimately led to my leavin'
i couldnt stand your moods
or lack of eating the occasional junk foods
but i said that i would be your friend
and i would be there til the end
so there i stood
even when it was no longer good
i was there until you stabbed me in the back
still im grateful because i can clearly see all the facts
it wasnt you that i was meant to see
but seeing you helped open my eyes to the world around me
and with any luck
i will be able to open up
let new people in
instead of giving up and saying "the end"

You've got me runnin wild at heart

I saw a quote yesterday that said "A relationship is about more than finding the right person, its about being the right person" and it stuck with me. It kind of touches on conversations that my roomie and I had last year, she would tell me that I was perfect for *him* but that he wasnt what I needed. And then later in the year, when I met the Gentleman (lol) she told me that he was perfect for me, and that honestly I was good for him too. She said that the Gentleman and I fit together better. It also seems, to me, that my relationship with the Gentleman is growing. Sure sometimes I've been frustrated- mostly when he decides not to call me to tell me whats going on, but over the course of 4 months this person has really helped me grow up- in a way. We talk ALMOST every day and he is generally really sweet, he makes fun of me at appropriate times and is serious at times too, and somehow, right when my head tells me that I should give up he calls me or texts me and its just that little simple touch of communication that melts me all over again. I love the texts first thing in the morning that say "Good morning beautiful" or "good morning babe", but "good morning hot stuff" doesnt quite hit me the same way. lol. I've never been one for pet names, but my god I get butterflies everytime he texts one. haha.
So when I get frustrated I tell myself that this isnt always supposed to be easy, there will be tough times, and its weathering the tough times that makes a person stronger- whether it makes them a stronger individual OR makes the relationship stronger.
Right now though, I am in a comfortable place- he knows I like him, and his best friend tells me he likes me, now we just get to figure out whats next. And at this point, I am ok with a little bit of waiting. So, we shall see how it goes! :)

The title of his post is from "Wild at heart" by Gloriana

Good morning beautiful, I run to you...

I havent posted anything in quite some time... I've sometimes sat down to write but get a little overwhelmed with everything that I want to say, everything that needs to be said, and so discouraged, I save a draft and move on. Its not that I dont want to share- I thrive on being an open book and will tell anyone just about anything about myself, no, the reason I havent posted is just that I have gone through emotional roller coasters in the last few months and though I was diligent on talking about my whole Party Boy situation the more recent hills and valleys are a little more complicated and I dont know who reads this and I really dont want to hurt someone. That being said... I write on.
I just wish that once a relationship that I want to persue was straight forward, but NO, Jessie Carnes CANNOT under ANY circumstances have a straight forward, easy, uncomplicated relationship- I think it might be a rule. And yes I do say that with sarcasm, and a smile on my face.
Another thing that I want to happen is I want someone to TALK to HER... tell her that its not going to work and that holding on to someone just because you dont want to see them with someone else is just plain rude. But I cant be that someone because I am so entangled within the relationship that I speak of, as well as relationships of my own with each parties, that I would be seen as the bad guy, and I dont want that either. I dont go in with the feeling or idea that they arent good for each other, but rather the knowledge that each party is stubborn and holding on too hard to something that doesnt fit. And though I have a DEEP respect for my relationship with one party, as the other party tells me, I sometimes have to put myself first- and that is incredibly hard for me. I am used to being disappointed and hurt, could it be that if I fight for what I want then I can actually have something?! All signs point to yes, but do I DARE get my hopes up?
I feel somewhat like a black hole and know that if given the time I would definitely suck all the life out of myself thinking too hard on the things before me, but thanks to having a job, I am saved for 30 hours out of every week. Sure I think about my situation while at work, but I cant dare dwell on it because I would disappoint those who count on me at work, and I struggle and beat myself up (mentally) when I let others down. Its the worst feeling in the world. That and makind dumb silly mistakes, things that had they not been caught- may have cost a fair amount of money. And I try to forget about my stupid mistakes, but I am not one of those, oops I did something wrong, time to move on types. Nope, I think and agonize over what I have done wrong for hours or even days- eventually I get over it, but like with life in general, it just takes time.
As for the title of this post, its two song titles put together. The Good Morning Beautiful is what a certain someone said to me this morning- and I gotta say, I love to hear it! :) Lets just hope that maybe something will come out of this one. And the I Run to You, is what I woke up singing this morning, and yes if possible I would run to the certain someone mentioned above. But, alas, only time will tell as to how things will go.

Lastly, Happy 5th birthday to my dear neice Taylor, who had surgery yesterday. She seems to be doing fine, hopefully it is NOT a behavioral problem as the doctor indicated and she will get to back to being a "normal" 5 year old girl.

Content, could it be real?

Never before, at least in my memory have I felt this way. School is good, not perfect but good, and its nice to be out for summer. I have friends both at school and home that will see me through some of my most interesting escapades, and I am grateful. I have a family, that though sometimes we have our disagreements we WILL come together when it matters most. And we are taking a family vacation- the first in 10 years, and in that 10 years there have been 2 marriages and 4 babies. And I have had some interesting experiences in the past 2 months that have been very eye opening. I'm not saying that I want to feel exactly this way for forever, but I am at least peaceful with how I feel right at this moment. Nothing lasts forever, and especially not emotions- I see them kind of like tides, coming and going several times a day, with a pull from somewhere else.

HELP! I turned 20 and now my car doesn't love me anymore.

So Ive been 20 for roughly 10 days. And I have had 2 car issues. First I had a flat tire- one of the most stressful things that I have dealt with in recent history, and then a week later I stop at a stop light and when it turns green, instead of going, my car decides to screech, so what to do when stopped at a busy intersection and your car wont move? Call AAA or 911? I called 911, I figured if nothing else then they could at least send a cop to direct traffic. So a cop came and got me out of the busy road and I got to wait another 45 minutes for AAA to come pick me up. Turns out it was just a stripped tire rod, but not something that I want to experience again. It makes me think, are we really safe in cars?
When I got my license my parents thought that I would never actually drive, or that it would at least take me a long time to get used to driving, all because of some of my irrational fears, but I hit the ground running. And now- almost 4 years later is when I start having my doubts. I dont think I will stop driving, but I do worry about it a little too much sometimes I think. Oh well, I will just strive to be really careful- no matter what. And I cannot panic, because that wont help anything! :)
So safe driving to all those around.

Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

Ok, so no I havent actually cried today, but I did yesterday. I know I havent written in a while, but I turned 20 today. And I am thrilled to no longer be a teenager, not that I had a hard time being a teen, but I was just ready to not be anymore! haha. The only thing is that I feel SO lonely. I mean I have a family that loves me and I have some amazing friends, but sometimes I just want someone who will hold me at night- something that I know I've said over and over, but its just what I feel. SO, here's to an incredibly lonely birthday, may they not happen every year.

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

Still confused. Good days come less often than the bad days with the boy and maybe its time to start to let go. Everyone tells me to let go, move on, hes not worth it, but at the same time I feel as if I am letting him down. Never before have I left someone when I have had so many questions that havent been answered. Is he really this moody, or is he just TRYING to push me away? What has him hurting so much that he is so miserable? And its not like I totally believe in astrology, that I live by it, and check my horoscope daily- because I dont. But a friend has a couple of books, and I was reading those yesterday and boy did the ways of a Cancer really fit this guy. One of the books said that the easiest way to piss off a cancer is by being happy- and you know what I can see that. I am almost always happy on the outside, or at least in public, and he has already commented on my being to hyper or happy.
That aside, we have our moments of being compatible, but I dont think its enough. I mean I know relationships are supposed to take time and effort, but at the same time I dont know that they are supposed to take this much time and effort, and definitely not if its only one sided.
So this is what I do know:
-none of my friends like him- and this is important to me
-he is very moody, and I dont know when he is gonna be in a good mood or a bad mood or when it will change- because that happens at the drop of a hat.
-we had a great first week of talking/spending time with each other- but it obviously didnt last
-he helped me to open up, come out of my shell, just a little bit, but baby steps work best for me
-he has some issues from his past that are still bothering him
-And last, I would like to be there for him, be a friend, but there is only so much moodiness that I can take. So for now I shall back off- let him do some of the work of keeping up with our friendship or whatever. Plus, I aint got time for this right now! haha. Ive got finals next week that I really gotta take seriously. and I do, so no distractions!

Breathe

So the past week, when I have been agonizing over the whole new boy thing, it was almost all for nothing. Im an idiot, a creepy one at that. And though he hasnt confirmed my being an idiot, he did accept my apology, I think. I shall try to write out what happened, if nothing else to prevent it from happening next time. And Andrew helped me figure these things out- from a guys (or mostly guys, lol) persepective. Last Sunday when my mom called when I was out with him and I told her what was going on, it may have freaked him out. I understand that and if thats what happened I am sorry. And then he was taking a step back- not necessarily trying to run away, just slowing down, and I felt that he was running, and so I tried to keep him. Not the best idea at this point. And I kept pushing and pushing and making an issue out of something that wasnt really there- or at least not as bad as I made it out to be. Doing that only made it worse. Basically he was trying to take a step back- I didnt recognize this and just thought he was going through a hard time, and needed a friend, so I went into friend mode. I care very much about my friends, especially when they are going through a hard time, so I went into overprotective, I am gonna stand by your side no matter what friend mode. And this probably scared him a little more. At this point Andrew comes into my room- the boy and I had just had another little spat, and Andrew looked at it, explained it and then got a phone call. So while he was talking to his sister, I looked back over some things that were said in the last week or so, and at the beginning the boy wasnt pulling away, just not talking so much as he had been- and I took that and ran with it, so to speak.
Yesterday morning I apoligized for overreacting, and he accepted it and we had a good day talking yesterday. Theres still some things that I am iffy about, things that I am not sure bringing up would be good, but ya know, I think eventually things will be ok. I just gotta remember to not be SOOOOO ready to jump on something that isnt necessarily happening. Ive got to keep my head on my shoulders, and take things slow. I get upset when I dont understand something- and thats what makes me react so strongly. Note to self- strive to understand, but dont overreact! :)

Past and Present

So I wrote the following paragraph back in December on my myspace blog, and it still stands true today, so I am trying to reiterate what I have said before, maybe it'll keep me going, and growing. This is what I said then:

So though its hard, and not necessarily fun, I am working on being me, finding myself (and I have come a long way, but circumstances are always changing so I may not know myself 100%, and thats ok.) and letting people see me. Not a shy person, but rather a talkative one, and not always a happy person, but a person that always wants to make others smile, and not always a nice person, but a person who tells others when she is mad at them, or hits them out of frustration, or maybe gives them the silent treatment. So this is me, being myself, and hoping that others will want to find a place in my life, whether its as friends, acquaintances, or other things. But no pressure, things will happen when they are meant to, and I may not be happy with the timing but I do believe that it will happen when I am truly ready, and
until then I'll be the best me that there is.

And I'll leave this post with just that.
Goodnight

Here comes goodbye

And death hits my family once again. My grandma's significant other passed away, I got the message at 11:26 this morning. It wasnt a surprise but it still has a blow. With every death now, I am reminded of my granmda- she was the first person that I was close to that passed away, and everytime that hole in my heart is rubbed raw again. I have a routine by now- I am really raw for a couple of days, and then it scabs over and then its like a new scar- that rough pink skin. But it will get better over time- even scars And though I know those who are close to me want to be there for me, but I dont think anyone really has the answers for when something like this happens.
So, the best answer about how to deal with these situations comes from within. I am a strong person, and I have gotten through this before, and I can do it again. And for those who dont know what to say to me, ignore the death part, talk to me like or ordinarily would, but at the same time hug me. Thats all I need, I just need hug after hug after hug. Someone to hold me tight- without saying anything- would be ideal, but I know that at this point that wont happen.
Its easy for me to let anyone in, but its harder to let them stay, people get to know me and they leave, whether its after a few weeks or after years, its what happens I am used to it. I am a country girl and when you lose something you dont cry. Its like falling down, you get up, wipe the dust off, laugh a little too loudly if you are slightly embarrassed and go on with life.
Its also kind of like getting in a fight- if you are pissed enough you arent gonna give up. You get punched you punch back, so I just gotta remember that life is gonna keep knocking me down, and the best thing that I can do is keep getting up.
I realized today that I have great friends here at Transy, and I think that they put up with tons of crap from me and I appreciate it, but at the same time I would do anything for these people. But there comes a point when talking about yourself is just too much. Everyone has problems and almost everyone can listen about others problems- to a certain extent, but theres gotta be some give and take.
I also realized that though I am an open book and I will share just about anything with the people that I know- I still internalize a fair amount too. There isnt a single person around that knows everything that goes on behind my hazel eyes, and honestly I wouldnt have it any other way. I am blessed to have the people in my life that are there for me, and in return- I am there for everyone, almost unconditionally.