Love Lockdown

I could say that I dont know why I keep writing on this blog, but thats only a half lie. I keep writing in the hopes that someone someday will benefit from it, but at the same time I have the hope that the people that I talk about, the people that I should talk TO would read this and be able to understand maybe everything that I cant say.
The only thing that I DO know about this blog is that I find comfort from writing it, and there's at least one person that reads it- even if not regularly.
There's something to be said for getting everything out so the world can see it, even if the world chooses not to.

I should have known that the night that I talked to Ibrahim that whatever James and I had was over. I know that sounds funny, but somehow Ibrahim always contacts me RIGHT after something has gone wrong with a different guy. I find this quite fascinating. I think I've noticed more this time because its been such a short time. See in March when I was dealing with the Dylan ordeal, I talked to Ibrahim. And by that time I was done with Dylan and talking to Ibrahim was a great therapy- just something normal to do even if we dont talk all that often. But then when Ibrahim talked to me not even a week after James said that he "would want to do more than {I} have done and [he] didnt want to put me in that position" (basically what I got from that was that he wanted to have sex, and apparently didnt want to push that on me), I should have known to just be done with James. I know that sounds bad, that I feel as if I should abandon a relationship because another guy talked to me but I dont see it as that way. Ibrahim has a way of contacting me at some of the most random, most needed moments in my life and THATS the reason I should have known. Ever since then James and I have been walking and interesting tightrope- he had a top secret conversation with my sister-in-law and wont tell me what its about other than hes scared of something that is "complicated" and he wont let me in. We had been talking, and even said that we were going to be friends "for now" and that we wouldnt rule out the possibility of a different relationship later. But since this past Sunday I havent heard from him save the occasional forwarded text message. But that only counts as me knowing that hes still alive! haha.

For someone who is scared about pushing me into something that I've never done, this guy just doesnt realize that life is about taking chances, being risky, and hoping for the best. I am a strong girl, and I can take care of myself, if I dont like something then I will either say stop or I will leave- simple as that, I dont really play games- I am NOT compelled to be with someone just because its whats expected, nope sorry, I am an individual and I can make my own decision. I mean if he thinks he will be abusive if I say no then I'm glad that hes not pursuing something, but if hes just scared that one or both of us will get hurt, then yea, thats life, sometimes people get hurt- but seriously we have to take a chance, if its something that I have learned in the past year (a year of HUGE change on my part) then its that you gotta take risks, chances, put your heart and soul out there for people to see, because that, my dear is how you find the people that really want to and DESERVE to be in your life. Sure people will say things like "you should be more outgoing, if nothing else, then for me, because I havent left" and then 4 months later be on the verge of leaving, but its how you deal with your disappointment in these people that will help you later in life. Life is all about chances, opportunties, and then regret. So do what you want, dive in head first, even if you are afraid of hitting your head on concrete- life is leap of faith. So hold your breathe, close your eyes and JUMP! Because whether you come out victorious or not, its something that you WANTED to do, and THATS what's important. But then again if what you say is different than what you want- like you SAY that your scared of getting hurt, but really you just DONT want a relationship, then buddy, own up. Say what you mean, men and women have enough troubles communicating cross-gender, dont make it more difficult by saying something that you really dont mean- it only makes matters worse.

Honestly I cant really say what I feel about this boy, on the one hand it felt so real, natural. But on the other hand I dont like to be led on and its starting to feel that way. I feel for him, got dropped on my ass, but I WILL get back up and move on, I just gotta catch my breath first.