I (accidentally) set myself up for this...

There are these books that I am addicted to... they are sweet, country and everything that won't happen in real life. Well, I finished one last night. Right before bed... right after I watched Mamma Mia- this is where I am glad I decided on Mamma Mia instead of Sweet Home Alabama. 

Putting all the sweet, strong helpful country man thoughts in my head on top of the Greek weeding thoughts. And then drawing parallels between myself and Meryl Streep- Donna- in the movie... I have my Harry Bright (Andrew) and John Anderson (James- because of spontaneity) but I need my Sam Carmichael. Well, all this set me up for some very interesting dreams- or was it all one big dream? I don't know, but here goes. 

And forgive me because I only remember pieces. 

In the dream I was reading one of my books (they are Christian romances... much better than REAL romance novels) and I was at my lunch break from work. I was literally sitting on a bench at the corner of Ring Road and that road that the mall is on. And across the street from me was Tractor Supply- which, funny enough is where Tractor Supply really is, though the rest of the scenery didnt really fit with the E-town TSC. So back to the dream, I look up from my book and see J working and I'm filled with sadness, but something else catches my eye... gangsters. They do something bad, and I witness it and then they realize that I've witnessed it so they come over to beat me up- they want to rape me. And I remember in the midst of all this that I look over to TSC again and J is gone. I think to myself- "Figures, this guy couldnt love me so why would he save me?" But somehow I convince the gangsters that I'm not going to talk that I didnt see anything and that beating me up would only cause them more trouble and they leave me alone. I go back to work, sad. But as I leave I look back to where I had been sitting and J is having words with the gangsters. Again I think to myself "Being a hero when I've already saved myself does no good, James." 

Next scene. We are IN the E-town TSC- which I've never been in in real life- and we are with the Girl Scouts and this place has all the normal TSC stuff but then it has lots of extras. And the best thing about the Tractor Supply of my dreams was that it had all kinds of loose animals walking through the store. Yep, there were horses, cows, dogs, cats, but there was also a camel- that decided that it was going to be my friend and follow me around (much to my delight), a brown bear- sleeping in a hammock, a giraffe, sheep, goats and lots of other random animals. The girls were allowed to pick out one small thing to buy so as one of the adults I was going around and helping them pick things out. I found a nice charm bracelet which had a basketball hoop, a basketball and a soccer ball, it was perfect for me, until I picked it up and it had various other things attached to it that didnt describe me. So I put it down. And started looking at other things, fully expecting the boots against the tile floor and keys to hint at someone's approach. But I happened to glance down at the floor and realized it was hardwood floor, not tile floor and so boots would sound different. It was a bittersweet realization. 

Obviously I hold on to things super tight until I just let it go. I think this is the start of process of letting go- even though I havent talked to him since September. 

But the last dream was the most bittersweet: 

It was at TSC again... J was there and we were kind of actively avoiding each other, until a customer made him come into the aisle that I was in. After he helped the customer he grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. He said "I'm sorry I hurt you but you were right: I wasn't ready for someone like you." he then bent down to kiss me and walked away. I walked out, to a bright, wonderful day. And that was that. 

As much as I was having a bad J day in early December, I am having the opposite today. That day I was just unhappy and bringing him into my pain was second nature and it worked- I was more unhappy and focused on him instead of everything else in my life. 

Today, I am happy. I have a job, a paycheck and everyone at my job is amazing in their own way. I love them all, already and I've only worked 8 days. I have been invited out with the girls and I joke around with one of the guys, who I think will be a buddy. I ask for work and I am given lots of random tasks that make me feel useful. I have a happy place now, this is my happy place, this moment in my life. He isn't a part of it. No guy is, this is MY time, the time to be selfish and do whatever I want with my life. I also have a whole lot of great friends, each of them is there when I need them and I miss them dearly. I need a reunion.(hmm...) Everything has its time: this is my time to learn, to grow and to love each day. No need to be sad, unhappy and needy. :)

Bad J Day.

Do you have a person in your life that tells you too much about the woes that they are having with someone? Not just anyone but theres that one person in their life that ruins everything and then they pass it on by telling you how this person ruined everything, and you want to be supportive but god you dont want to listen anymore? 

OK. Now is when you just stop reading this post- because I am about to become that person! 

The good news, though is that if you DONT stop reading this post, you dont have to respond to me in any way. 

So really, its win-win: I get to let my feelings out and you can be supportive while rolling your eyes in the comfort of your own home. 

Here goes:

Today I was at TSC and I was looking for something for my mom and I hear keys jingling as someone is walking. I freeze. J isn't here, he cant be- I know this, and I still freeze and locate the person who is wearing the jingle keys- some random black guy. Shew, crisis averted. But then as I am walking through the aisles I here some boots scuffing the floor- you are rolling your eyes arent you. Again, I freeze- holding my breath- logically I KNOW hes not in this store, hes 80 miles away in a different store- if he's even working today. But I cannot help those reactions, they are simply automatic. Why, you ask? Because the times that I have seen him at work his boots and or keys have announced his approach. 

Universe, I get it, I'm obviously not over this person yet. I guess I just keep on keeping on. But thinking doesnt help, because I think of the good, fun times we had. I know, I know, dont text him, dont message him. I get it. And I'm not going to text or message him- but that doesnt mean I dont WANT to. No, today I've been re-living every good moment that we had together- though I know they dont erase the not so good times. 

Sigh. 

May 19th 2009 started it all. June 6th 2009 was good, So was Oct 8, 2010. But the most perfect was May 26th 2011. And I wouldnt change the experience. It had its ups and downs and apparently it ran its course. 

So here's my take-away message.... Its gonna take time, and I know this, thanks to my history- Timmy B anyone? That only took 8 years to get over. Again, the point is that it might take time, but I am allowed to be happy, sad, etc. I just have to remember that I also still have a life to live. And no memory is more important than a full life. Sure, you can have moments of memories- because memories are important too... but you gotta keep making new memories which means you gotta be present in your life. 

Late night resolve

It might be just me but sometimes, usually as I am going to bed, I make a decision  that solves a problem of mine. An example would be all those late night blog posts about confronting people, but then I rarely actually follow through. What sounds good and proactive as I am going to sleep is just plain scary when I wake up the next morning. Often I think through tough situations and come to a conclusion that seems reasonable, something like "I will say this thing to this person because they hurt me and I need to stand up for myself" but the next morning my resolve is completely gone and I never say what I wanted to say. Maybe its all just a mental game.
Sometimes, I mentally thank various guys that have been in my life and are now gone.
Sometimes, I scream and yell at guys who confuse me.
 And here's where the blog comes in- most of my blog rants fit in the category of guys, right? And often I say things that I cannot say in person, correct? See, its all my late night resolve.

Tonight's late night resolve is about my life in general and the changes that I want to make. See, since graduation and before I got the job I felt like I was in a holding pattern. Just being there day to day, and I dont want to do that anymore. I want to live, succeed, thrive.
I remember in high school, I would get up early- like 5:30- I left the house at 6:30- and I would just enjoy the quiet of the house. I would exercise or watch the news, and then I got to start my day. But no one else in the house was up. I loved that, and I think that it might make a comeback. See, 1 week from tomorrow I start my new job. I gotta be there at 8 which means leaving the house at 7:30, at least theoretically- gotta test the woes of traffic to be sure.
Back to the resolve. Its time to carve out moments for myself in my day- not days for myself. And I have decided that the morning is the perfect time to do it. If I wake up at 6:30 perhaps I can do a little work out, shower and be ready. I gotta be careful though, because my mom wakes up early too, and I dont want her in my business in the mornings.
I've also decided that the morning is the time to do some exercising. If I am going to make it a part of my day, better do it at the beginning of the day so that I can feel good for the whole day! Getting up early though, is going to mean an earlier bedtime.
And since I dont want to shock my body too much in one fell swoop, I am going to bed now! And waking up earlier! Going to wean myself off of my extra sleep. Get 8 hours and do it in a better schedule.
Goodnight friends!

Thanksgiving.... 2 weeks late

I don't even remember if I posted about not being very thankful on Thanksgiving. But I wasn't. In fact, I was a gross human who was simply living. Someone who wasnt thankful for even the roof over her head. I am so ashamed of my Thanksgiving behavior.
And maybe someone or something else was ashamed too. Though, instead of putting me in my place and taking things away from me, I was given a wonderful gift- or 2000.
I got the call this past Monday about a job. Its more of an intern like position, as far as I can tell, but its a foot in the door, experience and a pay check!
This job offer, as well as the offer that I got on Tuesday made me appreciate my life in a way that I had been missing.
It wasn't just me who made myself who I am today, it was the effort and influence of every person that I have ever met. I am incredibly grateful for each and every person that I have met.
Maybe more importantly I have been thinking about the influence that one of my brothers has had in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love both of my brothers very much, its just that one of them moved out when I was 9 and the other when I was 15. And there is a reason that one of them is a bit more influential in my life.
When I was 11 my dad had a heart attack. Something you probably know already. And while my dad's health has never really been the same, neither has the relationship between my brother and I.
While both of my brothers took wonderful care of me when I was a kid, I think it was the heart attack and the various hospital visits after that that really impacted my life. I always felt closer to W growing up, and one of my favorite memories is watching the T-giving Day Parade with him randomly one T-giving as the rest of the house was busy with T-giving preparations. But there we were just chillen in his room, watchin the parade.
I dont have moments like that- sweet moments- with B. In fact, I always thought B was a bit grouchy. Then W moved out and B was still around. B took me random places with him and his girlfriends- I think he used me as a "aww, hes nice to his little sister" but thats ok, because I loved the attention. He even took me to a Shania Twain concert- ST is my FAVORITE artist, and so that was a big deal. And it's looking back on memories from that concert that I realize he was protective and fierce. Great things to have in a big brother- as long as its not TOO much, which, so far, it hasnt been.
Then the heart attack, and while I know W visited, I am also aware that he didn't visit often, and I am pretty sure he wasn't there that first day. B, though, he became my guardian. Mom was sticking with dad a fair amount of the time, and what 11 year old wants to be in the hospital and eating hospital food? No thanks. So B would take me out of the hospital, get me away from that place and spend time with me. I think mostly he fed me and just ran errands but it was better than being in the hospital. And then that became our thing, anytime dad was in the hospital B would be my ride. Even after I had my driver's license and B had moved out, when Dad went to the hospital I drove to B's house and then ride with him to the hospital. Looking back, that was the best thing for our relationship. We had talks during those rides, we talked about things other than dad and going to the hospital. Hopes and dreams.
Which brings me to the whole point of this story.
If there was a moment in my life that I know was a turning point, it was during one of those rides to the hospital. (Granted, I didn't know it was a life altering moment then.) I was a senior in high school, it was a cold rainy icky January night, about 1-2 am. Dad had been taken in via ambulance. I drove to B's house and we were riding into the hospital. We had just passed exit 121 on I-65 and were talking about school. I told him about this really neat looking school called Transylvania and that I thought I might want to go there but the drive to Lexington for the overnight visit worried me. See, we had season tickets for UK bball and at that point in my life I had never made a trip to Lex without falling asleep. I told B that I was worried about driving there because I was scared of falling asleep at the wheel. He laughed at me, and said "Seriously? Come on Jess, just do it." It kind of hurt my feelings at the time, but you know what? I did it. I set up an overnight and the rest is history. I was totally ready to write Transy off because I was scared of the drive, and my brother made me rethink that decision.
The rest is history, right? I've now graduated from Transy and am on my way to a career. I am really glad my brother made fun of me that night, so glad, I am not even gonna think about what would have happened had he not!

Goodnight folks, here's to a special supportive family member, may you all have one- even if its not a blood family member! :)

Rolling in the Deep

Its an Adele song.

Last night, J popped up on my fb ticker. He's now friends with his ex-girlfriend. And while that really shouldnt matter to me, I had a violent physical reaction. I started shaking, and I got seriously nauseous.  I'm really kind of protective- a silent protector in some ways in that its your life do what you want, but I will ache for you when I think you are making a mistake. I will cringe and scream and just overall hope that things turn out ok for you. And I think the violent reaction that I had last night was due mostly because this person called the cops on him when they broke up. Why would you let that back into your life?  He was also uploading various pictures and such, and apparently he got a new car- go him. And boy are those nephews of his getting big.
I realized last night- and its not the first time, and it probably wasnt the last time that I cant really control people. I can be there for them, I can support them, but if they dont want support than there is no reason for me to stick around- especially after they have hurt me in the way that J did. There are 2 reasons that I didnt delete him as a friend this summer after we had our discussion 1. I wanted to keep track of what was going on in his life 2. I wanted to be there as a friend if he needed me. But the bottom line is that I dont need to keep track of his life- he is consistently making decisions that I dont like, and that drive knives into me. I dont think he was all evil, but yes, he played with me. And really, dating a person named Kitty Cat? I shudder at the thought of that- and yes, that is highly judgmental of me, but thats ok. Also, if he wanted me to be there as a friend he would contact me, he's never had a problem with that before. So ultimately, this whole "friendship" was just toxic.

And while I often tell myself and really hope that I have gotten over this person, its blatantly obvious that I have not. I did, however have 2 months where I was blissfully away from boy drama. I know that I deserve better. I know I have no claim on him. I know that hes a jerk. I know all these things and yet, I still like him. (Idiocy on my part) I still smile at my memories with him. And I most definitely tense up every time I am in a Tractor Supply store expecting him to come up and do something to me, though I know, logically he wont ever be in one of the Tractor Supply stores that I will now go to.

I guess the moral of this story is the same thing that we are always told: you cant change the past, I cannot change what J meant to me, but I can move forward, and I am allowed to stumble, but eventually I will get on my feet and I will be fine. I know these things, I just dont exactly believe them yet! :) Hang tough, friends.