Rolling in the Deep

Its an Adele song.

Last night, J popped up on my fb ticker. He's now friends with his ex-girlfriend. And while that really shouldnt matter to me, I had a violent physical reaction. I started shaking, and I got seriously nauseous.  I'm really kind of protective- a silent protector in some ways in that its your life do what you want, but I will ache for you when I think you are making a mistake. I will cringe and scream and just overall hope that things turn out ok for you. And I think the violent reaction that I had last night was due mostly because this person called the cops on him when they broke up. Why would you let that back into your life?  He was also uploading various pictures and such, and apparently he got a new car- go him. And boy are those nephews of his getting big.
I realized last night- and its not the first time, and it probably wasnt the last time that I cant really control people. I can be there for them, I can support them, but if they dont want support than there is no reason for me to stick around- especially after they have hurt me in the way that J did. There are 2 reasons that I didnt delete him as a friend this summer after we had our discussion 1. I wanted to keep track of what was going on in his life 2. I wanted to be there as a friend if he needed me. But the bottom line is that I dont need to keep track of his life- he is consistently making decisions that I dont like, and that drive knives into me. I dont think he was all evil, but yes, he played with me. And really, dating a person named Kitty Cat? I shudder at the thought of that- and yes, that is highly judgmental of me, but thats ok. Also, if he wanted me to be there as a friend he would contact me, he's never had a problem with that before. So ultimately, this whole "friendship" was just toxic.

And while I often tell myself and really hope that I have gotten over this person, its blatantly obvious that I have not. I did, however have 2 months where I was blissfully away from boy drama. I know that I deserve better. I know I have no claim on him. I know that hes a jerk. I know all these things and yet, I still like him. (Idiocy on my part) I still smile at my memories with him. And I most definitely tense up every time I am in a Tractor Supply store expecting him to come up and do something to me, though I know, logically he wont ever be in one of the Tractor Supply stores that I will now go to.

I guess the moral of this story is the same thing that we are always told: you cant change the past, I cannot change what J meant to me, but I can move forward, and I am allowed to stumble, but eventually I will get on my feet and I will be fine. I know these things, I just dont exactly believe them yet! :) Hang tough, friends.