Equal and Opposite Reaction

Not sure yet if the title has anything to do with the post other than I am avoiding having to study for physics.
I think about where I am now, and where I was a year ago, hell I can even think about where I was 2 years ago.
This time 2 years ago I was starting to get worried about finding a job. Here I was sitting with a degree which was useful and I had no bites on a job. I wanted a job, so bad. I was ready to start my post grad life. I had a 2 year plan. Land a job that paid reasonably well (I was hoping to make $27,000 after taxes) and save as much as possible for 2 years then use the savings as a down payment on a house somewhere close to home but in the next county over. I was pining over J who had kissed me 2 nights before I graduated and then basically became smoke in the air. I was looking forward to a new start and anxious to get it started.
This time last year I had a job, one that DIDNT pay me what I had been hoping for, but it was a job in the size firm that I was hoping for but I was learning that it wasnt necessarily leading where I wanted it to. I was an intern, after busting my buns during tax season. I had failed all 4 parts of the CPA exam and I was learning that what I had learned in school was not what I was practicing in real life and that maybe, just maybe I didnt want a desk job for the rest of my life. I was talking to this really great guy, G, who kept me up to the wee hours of the morning just because we had so much to talk about. We had what my friends referred to as cyber dates where we watched the same movie at the same time and talked about it- cute, no? And I was anxious to SEE G. Talking was great, but I wanted to spend time with him.
This time this year I am back in school working on prerequisites for and applying to vet school. G and I "dated" for a couple of weeks - and I put that in quotes because it was only so short. I still think the world of him and recently we have sort of started talking a bit, but not NEARLY as much as we did last year. I am learning the difference between being a friend and being someone a person is interested in- its a learning experience, for sure. I dont think I ever recognized before the difference- maybe because I generally cycle people (ahem J and I). I saved a fair amount of money, but spent it all on a 2.5 week trip to Ireland and Scotland and a new puppy instead of keeping it around for a down payment on a house. I have a new dream, a new 5 year plan, and things that I wanted to happen sooner rather than later are getting pushed to later- I'm talking a serious romantic relationship and (eventually) kids. OH and this year I have a new nephew! So may changes, but only now am I really realizing it. Even 7 months ago, I didnt know I would be where I am now, I love it- well sort of. I am excited to be on this journey to what I think will be a more fulfilling life, but I miss a regular paycheck and being able to be "done" with the day at 5pm. Oddly enough though. And! My dad is retired, another change.
Looking forward to this time next year, with any luck I will be moving away from home- like at least 4 hours away- with my 2 dogs and I will be embarking on a 4 year journey through vet school. I will be missing the early teen years of my nieces and some of the formidable younger years of my nephews but I know that, really, I will be showing them something more valuable than they will recognize at the time. I will be showing them that even when it means leaving everything that you know, you can and should chase the dreams chase the things that will, in the long run, make you happy. These are lessons that their parents wont be able to instill in them and that grandma can only tell them about. Its me, who will be the example. By doing what I am doing, I am showing that what you think you will like doesnt have to be your ultimate lifetime career. There's so much riding on vet school. I feel the pressure every day, I carry all of those weights with me, every day, but I know in the end it will ALL be worth it.
And since Im here, why dont I look 5 years down the road? With any luck, I will have graduated from vet school. I imagine I will come back close to home to be with the kiddos. The girls will be 16 and 14. The boys 12, 10 and 5. And my beloved Payton, if we are lucky will be 14 and still kicking. Perhaps my mom will own the clinic and I will work with her, like I have for so much of my life and maybe, if I am really lucky, I'll be able to start think about starting a family of my own.
I know that life rarely works out the way we plan, but if nothing else works out, I hope, really hope that I get into vet school.

I am me.

And I like communication and I've decided I am not going to hold back. I am going to talk to you as much as I want. If you dont respond, thats not going to necessarily dissuade me- I mean it might eventually disuade me. But I am me, and I like talking and interacting with people and so thats what I am going to do. Either you interact back, you ignore me or you eventually tell me to f-off.
I mean, I know it took me a while to get back to the talking stage but, this is me... I do things in yearly cycles. I'm weird like that. And I miss the talking for hours on end that we had. I get that we are in a different place now, but that doesnt mean that I dont think we cant or shouldnt be friends. In fact, I think the very opposite. I think being friends, good friends- if thats possible- is a great thing.
So heres to communication. Because thats how I roll. Haha.

Nearly Dead

I was told informed yesterday that the person that I wrote about in my last post was found in early June nearly dead. And when I say nearly, I mean about as close to dead as one can get without being dead- he wasnt breathing when he was found. Or so Im told. I got the story from my mom who only heard pieces of the story from his mom.
And ive been reeling. What can I do, what really happened, why do I only find out a month later, what happened to my friend. And none of my questions are being answered and I dont know what to do, where to start, or even just to let the whole thing go.
I miss my friend.

I deserve better

There was a person in my life, who I met in 2004 who always turned up at turning points in my life. If I was going through something tough, he was there. If I just needed to vent, he was there. He has consistently lived 500 miles away from me and seeing him has generally been hard. He has even lived more than 5000 miles away. But there was always a constant: he was there and I could count on him. 

That constant changed in December. And the change keeps evolving. You see, election night I got a message from him about wanting to Skype, but I was involved with someone else at the time and I knew skyping with this guy would tangle me up on the inside. So I didn't Skype with him. But that night he said some things that, lets be honest here, took me by surprise, but in a good way. Nothing bad just I want to hear your voice and I wish I was with you right now. I obsessed over those words, like I do, and when he went to basic training I sent about 16 letters. I got one back: I love hearing for you, please keep writing, yes you are crazy but that's what I love about you. I talked to him briefly when he was on leave for Christmas- please keep writing. I've written you back twice. (I never did get that second letter.) I was beside myself. So, because his mom is out of the country and I didn't know his siblings plans for his basic training graduation, I emailed his mom- she's much better at communication and emailed me back within about 2 hours. She said: I don't know if his siblings, grandma or girlfriend are going down. 

Wait, what? Girlfriend? What the hell, man? 

I was floored- although I had just the previous week said to my friends- what if he has a girlfriend and he just hasn't told me? Seems my intuition was right. 

So I send a letter that didn't rip him a new one but said, basically "hey man, why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend". 

I haven't heard a peep from him since the first day of January when he said keep writing your letters get me through training. 

Not a god damned peep. 

That was 6 months ago. 

Then, last week, he updates his relationship status to have been dating this girl since August of last year. AUGUST!  

Election night was in November. A whole 2 and a half months into his relationship he wanted to Skype and hear my voice. When he said "I really wish I was with you now." 

You can't say that to someone who will believe in anything, to someone who will read into it like I do when you are in a relationship. God damnit. 

So, long story short, I miss the person who showed up at the most random but most needed moments in my life for the last 8 years. I wish though he was able to say "hey, I've got a girlfriend, I'm not gonna talk to you anymore. But I guess I'm not worthy, in his mind for that. 

Ack! Pisses me off. I deserve better. An yet, the person who hasn't talked to me in 6 months, who won't talk to me, is the person that I still think about more than almost anyone else. There is one other person I think about frequently, but really I don't need to be thinking about either one. Neither one of them are in my life, nor should they be, really.