Cant Call Love

Sarah Darling

Had almost a mental breakdown today, tonight. I made a "suggestion" to hang out with him. We were just gonna watch a movie. But there were storms, and I am terrified of storms so I bagged out, and a couple of times he almost talked me into going anyway. But ultimately I stayed. And I think it wasnt that I was worried about the storms, I mean I definitely was, but it was more than that. I wasnt worried about spending time with him, or getting back late- I mean ALL these things contributed but there was something more. Why was I having such a hard time with this decision. It wasnt just these things, or the fact that I was backing out on something that I said I would do, nope there was even something more.
He mentioned something, twice... and I think that was the root of everything "You would be safe here"
Those 5 words, hit a chord in me.
I know I would be safe there. He would take care of me, I am sure. But you see, it would mean more to me than I think it would mean to him. He is going through a possible break up. But he was the closest I've ever really had to a good relationship. And though I think I might be getting better, I still care about him, a lot. And hes a smooth talker and I know hes not gonna do anything that I wouldnt want to do. But what I want, especially during a storm is someone to hold me in their arms and protect me, keep me safe. However, I cannot go running to James when I feel insecure. Sometimes I have to stand up and be tall and be brave for myself.

I want nothing more to be safe somewhere with him, but it is not the right time for that.
Ok well, here come those storms, Im gonna go hide somewhere. Goodnight world, may you be able to stand on your own two feet even when it hurts the most.

Ready to Love Again

Lady Antebellum.

So I gave him an ultimatum. And I dont know if he is playing me or not, but things have gotten better. We have a fun relationship, I laugh when I get a text from him because we end up teasing each other. We make light of the serious stuff, because sometimes thats the best you can do. But talking to him has been fun again, lately. No, I dont think I am quite over him yet, I am rational enough to know that takes some time, but I am climbing up the latter, out of the sewer. I dont plan on getting sucked back down again, however, if he decides to climb out with me, well I make no promises.
Regardless, some of the lyrics to the song above are:

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, oh
Scared of love and scared of life alone
Seems I been playing on the safe side lately
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But its time for me to let it go

Chorus
Yeah, Im ready to feel now
No longer am I fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess Im ready to love again

And that kind of basically sums up how I am feeling. I dont know if I will get some love in return, but thats ok. Because regardless of everything else, one has to first love themself before one can truly love others. And as before I am really working on loving myself. I have difficult moments, but I am getting there, slowly but surely.

So to anyone who is reading this, find one trait in yourself that makes you happy.
It can be anything, I for instance love my legs- below my knees, my smile- because almost everyone compliments me on it, and the new thing: myself in business casual clothes. In fact, seeing myself in the business casual clothes has inspired me to work a little harder on losing some weight.

By golly, I sometimes think I might be growing up! Haha. I recently bought a planner, apples some yogurt and I am more conscious every day of the money that I am spending. Granted, I am not perfect yet, but hey, is anyone ever really perfect? Nah, so its all good. The bottom line is that we all work to make ourselves better.

Moral of todays rant: take it a day at a time, a step, a moment or even 30 seconds at a time, and eventually things will get better, I think! :) Good luck.

Who am I kidding

I am still hung up on you. There I have admitted it. And when you told me that she had left you, it was all I could do not to celebrate. But apparently you are still hung up on her, and I guess you are entitled because you all dated for a solid 8 months, almost exactly, but I mean who's counting? Damn, kid. I want you to be mine. I mean sure you come running to me like a little hound dog with its tail tucked everytime something bad or sad happens, and then when the good things happen you come running to me like a beagle that has caught what he was hunting, but I want to be more than the person you tell about the good and bad things. I want to be there WITH you, experiencing those things WITH you, helping you through them by being by your side and not through a computer or phone.