Sarah Darling
Had almost a mental breakdown today, tonight. I made a "suggestion" to hang out with him. We were just gonna watch a movie. But there were storms, and I am terrified of storms so I bagged out, and a couple of times he almost talked me into going anyway. But ultimately I stayed. And I think it wasnt that I was worried about the storms, I mean I definitely was, but it was more than that. I wasnt worried about spending time with him, or getting back late- I mean ALL these things contributed but there was something more. Why was I having such a hard time with this decision. It wasnt just these things, or the fact that I was backing out on something that I said I would do, nope there was even something more.
He mentioned something, twice... and I think that was the root of everything "You would be safe here"
Those 5 words, hit a chord in me.
I know I would be safe there. He would take care of me, I am sure. But you see, it would mean more to me than I think it would mean to him. He is going through a possible break up. But he was the closest I've ever really had to a good relationship. And though I think I might be getting better, I still care about him, a lot. And hes a smooth talker and I know hes not gonna do anything that I wouldnt want to do. But what I want, especially during a storm is someone to hold me in their arms and protect me, keep me safe. However, I cannot go running to James when I feel insecure. Sometimes I have to stand up and be tall and be brave for myself.
I want nothing more to be safe somewhere with him, but it is not the right time for that.
Ok well, here come those storms, Im gonna go hide somewhere. Goodnight world, may you be able to stand on your own two feet even when it hurts the most.
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